———————- @oohheyitsamber - Tumblr Blog

♡ thank yourself for holding on and surviving ♡

The guilt I’ve felt for my depression is heavy. I blame myself for not being better, doing better…

Meanwhile, my husband has been lying to my face and gaslighting me.

No wonder I’m so sad and feel so alone.

The only person I feel I have to talk to in this new season of life and he’s built a wall to protect himself that also created the greatest divide and distance between us and he’s left me to feel like it’s all my fault.

I am so unwell. It’s deeply triggering to not be able to trust my reality as an adult. How did I choose this life for myself, still?

And worse, are we going to ruin our child? I don’t believe the trust can be repaired, truly. I feel shattered. I feel like accepting roommate stage for life but I know that teaches sweet p to accept less than she deserves and I’m terrified of that. She deserves so much more.

We promised each other we’d never be like those couples who don’t really like each other. But here we are.

Yippy. Can’t wait to go to Disney together in two weeks 🙃

I thought I was getting better.

I said to my family at dinner a few weeks ago: I think I’m finally crawling out of this depression hole.

I even said I felt a little happy.

And then…. An explosion. Words I can’t type. Pain visible by the marks left.

I’m tired but can’t sleep. I’m lonely but can’t connect.

I’m still unwell. I’m still a shattered shell of who I was.

This is who I am now? This is how I live?

Hope is lost. Survival is trying.

I’m afraid.

neurodivergentbibliophile

If you're a parent with mental illness, I urge you to examine your outlook on life and how you deserve to be treated. You probably grew up grappling through struggles your peers didn't experience, and it's likely that your value of yourself is incredibly negatively skewed.

I bring this up because even if your children don't inherit it, THEY ARE SHAPED BY YOU. If you think that your struggles are illegitimate, they'll echo it. If you constantly perceive yourself as not working hard enough, they'll internalize that. If you think you are broken, THEY WILL THINK THEY ARE BROKEN.

On its own, it is important to love yourself. But also, I think people often think that of they offer supports to their kids they have succeeded in breaking the cycle. And while that is a lot of the process, you can only do so much while not treating yourself with the care you deserve.

I have never been told that I am a burden or dramatic, but I think it every day because of how my mom talks about herself. It's not her fault, but it also could have been prevented. Love yourself so your kids can do the same.

oohheyitsamber

💔