I miss the memories I made in 2012-2013. Niagara Falls at eleven at night was amazing. The wind rushing through my hair, the spray of the water on my skin, the lights of Toronto glaring into my face, it was exhilarating. I felt free. For the first time in my life I felt free. I miss her aunt’s house, too. It was very large and very nice. The view of Lake Erie was absolutely beautiful. It was perfect. I want to go back to Niagara Falls alone. I want to go back there and I want to exist. I want to be alive. Company would just be a distraction. I want solitude. Pure and utter isolation. I miss band practice at Sweetnutz’s house. I miss Sweetnutz and RJ and Patrick and Jim. I miss playing bass and writing music with RJ then waiting for Patrick and Sweetnutz to finish writing lyrics. I just miss that time in my life. I miss it so much because I took it so for granted. I squandered that time. A whole year. I never once stopped and enjoyed it. I kept going, kept searching.
That’s a problem with humanity today. We never stop and just exist. We keep going, keep pushing, keep striving for tomorrow, for something more. The term “stop and smell the roses” has never really held much weight with me but now I’m beginning to truly appreciate it. I had some pretty spectacular experiences and at the time I knew that they were good but I could only think about how they’d be better or what I’m going to do tomorrow. I never once just sat in the moment and appreciated it. I took it all for granted. My friendship, my relationship, my life, my academic work, my band, my journeys to landmarks, concerts, all of it. I so wish I could go back and relive all of it. I realize now that all I have done is squandered my entire life. For so long I have regretted nearly my entire life but now, now I look back and I am absolutely thrilled. I’ve been alive; I am alive. And those experiences have happened to me because of it. I have seen and I have lived and I wouldn’t change any of my life, not one line. And I will remember all of it. I thank all of you. I thank each and every one of you that have played a role in my existence thus far and who have yet to influence my life.
Maybe I will not achieve greatness in the eyes of society, maybe I won’t win a Nobel prize or make a major discovery in Science or travel the world but I will be happy. I will be happy for I have been. I have existed and I have lived and I have done things that will shape my life forever. I will never forget any of this, not one line. I will hold on to these memories forever and not because I can’t let go but because I don’t have to. I don’t want to. For these memories, good and bad, are mine. They are me. They define me. They’ve made me into who I am today and I am grateful. So very, very grateful. I do believe I may have just made peace with myself. I’ve kept a negative light shining upon every single aspect of my life and it’s time I realize that my life is already complete. If I died today, I would die fulfilled.
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