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Disco Balls & Ordinary Magic
I donāt care if itās over the top. Because thisāthis glittering, spinning, slightly chaotic magicāis their childhood. And somehow, impossibly, itās my first time living it too. It looks like disco balls hanging where ānormalā people might put a light fixture. It looks like reflections dancing across the walls in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon, tiny fragments of joy scattering themselves likeā¦
Nostalgic for a Life I Outgrew
Thereās something strange about looking back at a version of your life that felt so fullā¦ and realizing it was also quietly falling apart. Today I took a walk down memory lane. Smack down the middle of 2020. We had this big, loud, beautiful group of friends. The kind where there was always something happening. We cooked together, threw girlie parties for no reason, played volleyball until weā¦
Happy 2nd Birthday, Lampo
There are no words to describe how proud I am of him. Heās come so far! When Ian and I decided It was time to get a dog, we had no idea the adventure we were in for. We knew nothing about the trauma that rescues go through. We knewnothing about dog reactivity. We also were blissfully unaware of the vetting process, or lack thereof, with some rescues. And Iāll just leave it at that. If you knowā¦
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Grief & Rainbows
Grief & Rainbows
On year ago today, I opened my heart up to the world when I wrote about my miscarriage. I let myself be vulnerable. It was the hardest, yet best thing I could have done. No one wants to open themselves up to judgement and scrutiny, and the dreaded, āsheās doing it for pityā comments. But the amount of people I have been able to connect with through āThe Worst Girl Gang Everā has helped me on myā¦
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Musings of a Lost Book
Musings of a LostĀ Book
I always said I was going to write a book. Even as a child, I was writing stories, albeit poorly written, but written nonetheless. āIām going to publish a book before Iām 30,ā I would always exclaim, so proudly as if I had already written it, as though I shoved it into the back corner of my closet without anyone knowing. I started and forgotten about so many ideas that culminated in my mind. Theā¦
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4 Weeks With You
Iām still expecting someone to come knocking on my door to thank me for babysitting their kid, and take this perfect little boy from me. The parents would have their arms wide open because they missed their child. Weād hand him over and wave goodbye as we would watch them back out of the driveway, and wonder when the next time we could see him again. It still feels surreal to hold him in myā¦
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It's National Infertility Awareness Week!
Itās National Infertility AwarenessĀ Week!
Itās National Infertility Awareness Week! #NIAW There are so so many people who have experienced infertilityā¦ 7.4 million actually. 1 in 8 couples experience it. 1 in 4 couples has had a miscarriage. Someone you know, even if you donāt know what theyāve been through, I can almost guarantee that someone you know is struggling. Iāve definitely tried to be as open about it as I can. I hope thatā¦
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Day 2 of National Infertility Awareness Week!
Day 2 of National Infertility AwarenessĀ Week!
Day 2 of National Infertility Awareness Week! #NIAW It is no secret that having support from your family and close friends is helpful in your healing process. But what about when youāre not ready to open yet? Or you donāt think anyone you personally know has gone through infertility? Or even if you do know a friend to talk to, you feel like youāre going to hurt them by bringing up old feelingsā¦
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36 Minutes
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Rainbow After The Storm
1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. 1 in 8 couples are dealing with infertility. 1 in 3 people experience PTSD after miscarriage/loss. 40-50% suffer from depression and anxiety. Getting pregnant after loss doesnāt heal you. Getting pregnant doesnāt replace the baby you lost. Iāve had so many people reach out to me over the last year and a half. Some some experienced miscarriage 30 yearsā¦
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Searching For The Rainbow
Searching For TheĀ Rainbow
I miss her. The girl I used to be last October. The person I was before theĀ sadness would consume most of my days, leaving me to over analyze everything.Ā We're still the same person.Ā Just. Different. She's me. I am her. But along the way, our lives disconnected and plucked out the simpleness and innocence with complexity and experience. Ā We're layered together, but the bright colors that onceā¦
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The Week After COVID
The Week AfterĀ COVID
22 Feb ā Monday Today is my first day released back into the wild. And by āinto the wildā I mean, I can get my own groceries and go into a restaurant to get my own pick up instead of requesting āno contact delivery.ā That is my extent of going anywhere for now. And can I say, coincidence that today is National Margarita Day?? I celebrated by kicking my own ass before work with a workout that myā¦
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10 COVID Days
I made it nearly a year without getting COVID, but here I am sitting on my couch during my last day of quarantine since testing positive. The last ten days somehow whizzed by even though we have been unable to go anywhere. It wasnāt that I *didnāt* want to tell anyone that we got COVID. I just didnāt really put in on blast right away. No special reason other than the fact I had no idea what toā¦
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New Year, Same Me
New Year, SameĀ Me
Oh hello 2021! Itās that time of year when everyone reflects on the year and talks about how they are going to improve themselves the upcoming year: going to the gym more, working out, being a better personā¦ whatever that may be. Iāve never really been one to make resolutions in January. If I have a goal Iām thinking about, I donāt wait. Whatever month I am in, I just think about a plan ofā¦
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Iāve always been a planner. Your typical āType A.ā I could never pretend that i donāt have all these little lists of things that I need to get done ā ranging from simple grocery store lists, to future home project, and more serious lists like life goals. Iāve learned how to navigate the twists and turns of my plans going awry and needing to adapt and remake my list.
The thing about me is that while I have things planned out, Iām also ready to adapt and be a little spontaneous. Plans are just outlines. A rough draft. Something that can always be manipulated to get back on track.
But none of us were ready for 2020.
How could we learn to deal with a pandemic? None of us have lived through anything like this. How is it possible to adapt when there are so many unknowns? Spontaneity got dumped right out the window when our safer-at-home orders came through.
It will come as no surprise, but our first few months of this hit hardest for me. For most of us, really. We couldnāt see family or friends. Restaurants closed. Wisconsin bars closed! (Yes this is serious!) We couldnāt travel. All our plans got cancelled. All of them. It felt like there was no end in sight.
But one thing remained a constant in my life.
Running.
I started my ultra-marathon training in January. For a race in September. Official training started in April, but I needed to āpre-trainā to get to the level I needed to be to just start training. Training for an ultra-marathon was something I never thought I would do. Even though I did a lot of running by myself in those first few months, it was that ONE thing in my life that didnāt change. Running was one thing I wasnāt afraid to do. For the first time in my life, I was afraid to see family and friends. I didnāt want to get gas in my car. I didnāt want to go grocery shopping. I even had a quarantine birthday. But running kept me sane. As best it could anyway.
Thatās the thing about plans though. They always change. No matter what you think that constant is. Something is going to sweep you off your feet and force you to change. Even if you think you are standing on solid ground. Youāre not.
May 9th. This was the last time I really ran through trails. I pulled my groin muscle. I can only assume it was from the constant dodging back and forth over rocks and leaping over tree branches. At first, it was what felt like a little pull. It didnāt hurt during my run. I described it as, āIt feels like my quads after I run. They are sore after a run like the usual expected fatigue. No shooting pain during or after a run.ā I decided to stop trail running, but continue my training on pavement for now. I could handle that. A small change which kept me away from some of my running partners, but a necessary change as to not aggravate muscles any more than I needed to.
May 23rd. My 18 mile run went so smoothly. I had continued my training on pavement. I needed to keep some sort of normalcy in my day to day life. I made sure to ice and stretch and really stay in tune to how my body was feeling. There wasnāt anything more than a little soreness which would last for not even a day, and then I felt as good as new.
May 26th. Plans. Out. The. Window. My 6 mile run ended abruptly 3 miles in. I tripped over an uneven sidewalk, and as I stumbled forward, catching myself from falling on the pavement, I jammed my leg into the ground, sending a shooting pain down my leg and my groin that had me stop running and walk the 3 miles home. This wasnāt the rough draft of an outline that I thought Iād ever have to rework. I didnāt want to not be able to run. I walked a mile, and tried to jog a little bit. Nope. It hurt. I wished in that moment that I would have just let myself fall. A bunch of scrapes on my arm would have been better than a jammed leg, right? This bump in the road wasnāt a contingency I planned for.
I stopped running for a few days. I felt a little lost without that one thing in my life that I could always count on being there. It forced me to learn even more about adapting to change, even if I didnāt want to. I attempted to run June 3rd, but that was a mistake. After talking with a few friends who had groin injuries before, I decided that I needed to just take the time off. Pounding the pavement wasnāt what I needed. I tried a test run with my bike to see how I would feel. I figured that there wasnāt as much impact on my legs with bike riding than there was with running.
To my surprise, I felt great. I went into the bike ride thinking that I would need to walk it home. I wanted to have low expectations in order to not be disappointed. I think the hardest thing about training for anything is when it gets derailed. To know the limits between pushing yourself hard and pushing yourself to prolong an injury is a hard line to find. But I took a step back from running and hopped on my bike.
It was such a pleasant surprise how much I enjoyed biking. I used it as a second form of transportation, but really, it was my source of cardio. Between June 1st and June 17th, I put in 150 miles on my bike.
I never once experienced any pain. Soreness, yes, but thatās expected. And it was mostly in my quads and calves. Not anywhere else. I was learning more limits for myself and taking steps out of my own comfort zone:
ā My first 30 mile bike ride ā Riding down busy roads isnāt as scary as I thought it would be ā Riding at night is way more fun than nerve-wracking ā Being more comfortable alone ā Finding out that a 13-20 mile bike ride day didnāt knock me out ā Not caring about random ass sweat marks in public š ā Embracing some serious tan lines
I found a love for biking that I never thought Iād have. To be fair, the bikes I have been on before were not my own and not as nice, so the seat hurt. A lot. It turned me off to biking. No one wants to go on a bike ride and not be able to sit later. But that didnāt happen.
Between Jun 17th and the 25th, I did some yoga and a handful of runs: a few 2 milers to start, then two 6 milers, a couple 5Ks and a 4 mile. I never once felt any pain. It was such a relief. I was starting to second guess how long I would be out.
My running buddy and I have both been out on injuries, but doing so well. We have a planned marathon on July 4th. Both of us really wanted to get on track with training for our ultra again and decided to take a shot and see how a 20 miler would do. We got up early Friday morning (Jun 26) and ran 20 miles, and both felt great during the entire run! Itās such an accomplishment to run 20 miles in the first place, but weāve dealt with some serious wrenches in the training plan. Iām really proud of both of us.
Iām pretty sure I stretched for the entirety of Friday and Saturday. And iced more times than I could count. Was I a little afraid I took it too far? Yeah. Kind of. At this point I started planning for the worst case scenario. How could we not after the year weāve been having? After all, my last long run was a month prior. I kept telling Melissa that we would be alright. That muscle memory would just kick in. And we would just stop if either one of us felt like we were pushing too much. We dialed down the pace and talked the entire time.
And just like that, the bump in the road that I thought would end up derailing my entire training, ended up not being so bad after all. To be able to pick yourself up from whatever situation you are in and rework that life list and get back on trackā¦ itās such a proud and happy moment. Especially when there are so many unknowns.
I should have ran 150 miles in June. RAN. 150 miles.Ā I ended June with 50 running miles, and 160 biking miles (which is about the cardio equivalent of roughly 54 running miles) To me, thatās a big deal. It feels so far off my training plan. Iām sure by now, there have been a few thoughts from readers (if they even got this far) of, āReally? But it was an injury that barely took you out from training. It could have been so much worse!ā
Of course it could have been worse. No matter what situation youāre in, something is always worse. But what does comparing do? Honestly. Think about that. What purpose does comparing have? Our ups and downs in life shouldnāt be measured against someone elseās ups and downs. Who is to say what is worse and what isnāt worse? Feelings are feelings and those are valid. That constant need to one up each other is the reason I havenāt really talked about thisā¦ until now.
Since March and the start of coronavirus, I started to surround myself with a true tribe of badass women, and yes, men too. While my change in plans may have seemed small, it had a huge impact on me.
Iāve learned that itās okay to have to rework your plans as many times as you need to. Itās okay to not even know what your plan is going to be. Itās okay to change your mind about how you feel about a certain topic after learning new developments. I learned a little bit of confidence in some of my decisions. Iāve spoken out a little more about what I want, which has probably turned some people off to me, but Iāve gotten closer to some of my friends because of it. Itās okay to want to be alone. And thereās no reason to make up an excuse to not hang out or go to an event. āI donāt want toā is an acceptable reason. Itās ok to talk about failures. It isnāt always meant to be taken as āplease pity me,ā but instead, āhey, youāre not alone.ā You never know who is going through things.
2020 is not over. And from what weāve seen so far, Iām not sure what Jumanji level we will end up at in December.
I know Iāll be challenged again and again when it comes to life, and training, and work, an anything else that life decides to throw at me (but like, please murder hornets, stay away).
One thing I know is for sure: The only actual constant in my lifeā¦ is change.
Ā Bump In TheĀ Road I've always been a planner. Your typical "Type A." I could never pretend that i don't have all these little lists of things that I need to get done - ranging from simple grocery store lists, to future home project, and more serious lists like life goals.
Find the Lessons
What shall we do with all this extra time? But sit here and think. We think about our past and our future. If itās where we thought we would be at this moment in time. And maybe some of the possibilities that we missed along the way. Those little moments we should have acted on. The opportunities we passed up because we were too afraid of disappointing ourselves. Yet. We never gave ourselves aā¦
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Queen Of Control
The truth is that we all want to be in control of our lives. To be able to determine how things are supposed to turn out: that vision we had when we were younger.Ā Itās normal to want to feel like you can have control over everything. It gives us a focus. A sort of balance in our lives that we strive for. That control that we want will eventually consume us. It becomes a race to perfection. Toā¦
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