Order Of The Disordered.

My opinions on the stigma surrounding mental health issues, especially personality disorder. This is something that is important to me and I want to get my view out there for the world to hear by using a collection of photos, videos, quotes and text entries. Ask me anything, and follow me if you like what i have to say, Im just an 18 year old girl trying to get through life with a personality disorder.

[orderofthedisordered]

How did this happen. Drugs. I'm hooked. I NEED them. Shit. I'm pure dirt.

[orderofthedisordered]

[orderofthedisordered]

Long time since I posted so thought I better. Things are a bit different now, live with my boyfriend back in my home town. But things are difficult and I feel miserable. Back on legals. What can I say? I’m struggling to cope.

[orderofthedisordered]

[orderofthedisordered]

If I didn't have family on Facebook this would so be my profile picture.

[orderofthedisordered]

[orderofthedisordered]

Got off it just to get back on it another two nights I haven't slept it eaten and have been off my head blah I know it's not good I'm just experimenting. Why shouldn't i? I never got to try any of it when I was a teenager like most others. My teenage years were stolen by grief, abuse, anorexia, and sections. It's my turn.

[orderofthedisordered]

Seven o’clock in the morning and I am buzzing! Haven’t slept for two nights- been off my head on a mix of alcohol, coke, legal highs, and dolly. Not proud. Not good. But I am starting to loose weight! A pair of jeans I couldn’t get in too, two months ago now fall down. I have been nonstop trying to exercise and restrict as much as possible. Am feeling a slight effect coming down from the high- really hot, lightheaded, can’t sleep, feel quite dizzy and sick, really shaky, barely got a voice and my mouth hurts a fair bit oh and plus I’ve got a very upset stomach! But hey, what did I expect?

[orderofthedisordered]

So wasted. Haha. Drugs? Whoops. Erm.... I forgot what I was saying.

[orderofthedisordered]

Feels so good to sit here and watch someone eat that shit knowing how many calories and how much fat is being placed in there body- and I'm sticking to my diet!!

[orderofthedisordered]

I think beauty is unsatisfied- nothing's ever beautiful enough, never good enough..

[orderofthedisordered]

[orderofthedisordered]

My diet....

.... Consists of nothing but drugs and coffee. I tried coke for the first time a couple of weeks back and instantly lost some of the weight that I haven't been able to shift for months. But the cunt (my housemate) that introduced me to it mugged me off by making me buy it and spend ridiculous amounts- promising to pay me back. Then instead of paying me back, pulled a fast one and "cut" meaning a couple of scratches- fair bit of blood that got him an easy access pass to hospital. He got let out and has been hiding at his girlfriends cos he owes so much money, including over £250 to his dealer who lives round the corner. He is a liar a cheater and a coward and I hope he rots in hell. But yeah. So tried legal high sniff which worked and stopped me eating for five days. It wasn't for the buzz just purely a new dieting technique- that works! Came off it but on a coke bender this weekend to see if I can loose a bit more. I am hopeful, but I wander if I can keep it up. My aim is to have a line when I'm hungry, then when I've lost a fair bit (another ten kgs to go) I will introduce a healthy diet and exercise plan to maintain the weight I want to be. This is my theory, unsure if it will work but will give anything a try once.

[orderofthedisordered]

The HATE i feel towards myself.

This is so strong so overwhelming, I thought I was getting there- moving forwards, living life?' But no. Once again my heads taken over. My thoughts are edging back towards self hatred and sadness. My body is hideous and I am so ashamed of myself. I am so embarrassed to announce my weight - 69kg' when four years ago I was 40kg. I could say it's the medication, I could say I'm in recovery. But no, my thought process is similar to all them years ago. I've let myself slip, fat has gradually stuck to me and now I have noway if getting rid of it without resorting to the only way I know. I'm trying my hardest but the thoughts are getting louder, stronger. I'm not sure how much longer I can push them away and continue to convince myself that I'm not fat when the truth is I am. I'm so disappointed in myself for letting it slip, for letting it get to this. It is now time that I take control and stop being lazy. It's time to put my diet' in place. My body deserves to be punished.

[orderofthedisordered]

Please! Someone help me out, it's such a struggle to keep going, I'm not strong enough 😭😭

[orderofthedisordered]

Don't piss me off.

[orderofthedisordered]

Not good. Every time I cry my eyelash extensions come out. I now have no eyelashes.

[orderofthedisordered]