Β Β Β Β Β sticks & stones may break my bones, butββ
Β Β Β Β Β god, how is alice expecting her to COMPOSE herself ?? Β sheβs all but screaming it & itβs too much for maddie, far too much, sheβs just not a composed person, even when she isββ
Β Β Β Β Β but. sheβs trying to work on anxiety. & it does ebb away at the edges, numb some part of her. the usual crashing waves of emotion donβt knock her over, sweep her into swirling, choking waters; she stumbles, but there is something for her. she would like to think she can restabilize. she CAN.
( how is alice supposed to be her HALF if alice causes her this much pain ? )
Β Β Β Β Β but words will neverββ
Β Β Β Β Β β STOP feeling things, alice ! β Β she finally cries, voice trembling, exasperated. she runs a hand through her hair, knocking her hat down, tense. trying NOT to look at alice, not think about how sheβs THERE & rejecting herββ Β no, she just canβt think about that.
Β Β Β Β Β β iβm TRYING to justββ Β to just chill. iβm trying. you have a. man. Β & i have a person. but this THING between us, if you wonβt have me, then at least BREAK this thing & just let me be me. β
Β Β Β Β Β to hug alice ? Β or to snap her neck ? Β sheβs torn. both, maybe.
Β Β Β Β Β words will never hurt me.
Β Β Β Β Β her stomach drops; an arm curls protectively around her midsection. stop feeling thingsββββit evokes too many memories of trying to do just that. burying everything, tamping down, erecting walls. wanting, pretending, dreaming of being somebody else.Β Β ( & oh, god, the knives. still a quiet temptation, tugging in the back of her mind. ) Β
Β Β Β Β Β how much damage did she do to herselfΒ ? Β to hatter ?
Β Β Β Β Β itβs taken so much work to get here, to feel things & be okay with that, & now to beΒ told to stopββββit. HURTS, more than alice wouldβve anticipated. all the worse because of how annoyedΒ maddie sounds, how BURDENED by the existence of aliceβs emotions. for this person who claims to love her to sound like thatββββ
Β Β Β Β Β ( she wants to shrink & shrink into nothingness. )
Β Β Β Β Β &Β there is no THING between them. only maddie, by turns miserableΒ &Β manic, always mercurial, professing loveΒ &Β lashing out when turned aside.Β &Β alice, trying to deal with it as professionally as she can given maddieβs deep connections inside everheart publishing. trying to be CORDIAL without encouraging this; trying to disguise how much it all unsettles her.
Β Β Β Β Β Β β iβm not stringing you along. β
Β Β Β Β Β itβs quiet, hardly a whisper; aliceβs gaze is trained downwards & away, her tone careful. sheβs wary of another outburst, but herββββfrustrationΒ with all of this is the more pressing feeling, a prickly knot growing in her chest. Β Β β iβm letting youββββletting you be you. what does that even MEAN, maddie ?Β β