Days of Ordinariness @ordinaryyy-days - Tumblr Blog

I work freelance. My job title literally includes the word "Outside" in it to mean I'm not part of the internal team.

It's driving me crazy how I can't tell/rant to anyone about all the annoyances I experience in dealing with these certain stakeholders that at this point makes ne wanna pull my hair out. Uggghhhh

nevver

Private nightmares, Francisco Rodríguez

Must be nice to receive a handmade, try hard, cheap gift that I used to make when I was young/still a kid: self-drawn, imperfectly cut, and messily pasted cards or crafts, that really might have no practical value to the receiver, except my genuine expression of sentiment, love, and care.

But who am I kidding. I suck at receiving gifts. I suck at receiving in general. All I know is how to give, that it sometimes even felt shameful to receive or be made to ask for what I want. Like, can't you just read my mind? Lol.

All those eldest daughter memes are so true, it hurts.

On my birthday, all I wanna do is not do chores.

#birthday blues

Allow me to discover why I've been obssessing over clothes slash finding my own style despite the lack of need to do so:

1. Because I received some money and I'm itching to spend some of it to new clothes.

2. I saw how I look at pictures during oue Japan trip and I want to improve how I pook.

3. My latest medical check up turned positive after being on meds for my thyroid issues. I finally look healthier than I was last year, and some clothes no longer fir me after the changes to my physical appearance.

4. Of course I turned to the internet on how to improve my looks slash style myself, and so found myself consuming contwnt about color analysis. I wasted lotsa time analyzing my color season and tonal qualities.

5. I went to online thrift shops and began "online shopping" for new outfits, adding items to cart for the fun of it. Kept doing that for some days now during the last two weeks, kept on going back and curating my potential wardrobe; determing what items to buy that will fit my budget. Spoiler alert: I dont have enough monwy to spare should I prioritize my needs and things that would have more practical returns.

6. I made a handful of Pinterest boards and kept curating my style, also pinning styling tips and lookbooks.

7. I wanted to showcase myself to social media after not doing so for years, and I want to look stylish and pretty. I want people to think that I glowed up/look desirable when they stumble upon my posts on their feed.

8. I want to feel a million bucks, because the reality is I'm poor and I shouldn't - actually couldn't - afford clothes. I couls buy at most 3 new pieces and should be on bargain price.

9. It's one thing I can control in this current era of instabiloty in society and politics.

nevver

Motel nudes, Lorena Lohr

nevver

As we walked, Heidrun Rathgeb

havonte

keonhoescafe

I NEED THIS IN LIFE

sweatermuppet

i can't keep living like this!!! [does not change a single aspect of my life]

absolutebl

Hi! I’ve been reading through your master posts and see that you rate Tale of 1000 Stars very highly.

I’m curious what you thought about the actual romance between the two main characters? I watched it once through myself, and am about halfway through a second watch with my husband (I’m a gay man), and both of us have just felt extremely unsatisfied by the romance between the two leads. I’m genuinely curious what your take was because maybe we’re just biased or something, or there may be cultural sensibilities that we’re missing that make it all make sense.

What I keep coming back to is it feels like the director is scared of having his two leads actually act gay. He does a great job of showing their feelings for each other develop and even, in my opinion, showing where they become aware of each other’s feelings (lots of meaningful looks and facial expressions).

And yet, even when they’re living together and it’s obvious they both know what that means, nothing is said out loud, there are no kisses, the fact they find each other attractive is treated as embarrassing instead of a blindingly obvious part of being in a relationship for people who aren’t asexual, etc. It’s all pure subtext. Even Chief’s sexuality is only hinted at in a couple oblique comments (which, to be fair, is already pretty good for a BL series, sadly), rather than stated flat out.

I was shocked to find out the director was an openly gay man. I just wonder whether audiences think this is normal? It seems par for the course for a lot of BLs. I genuinely liked My Engineer but was very frustrated by a similar shtick with Duean—“I obviously like you, I’m even willing to kind of tell you I like you, I’m willing to be your boyfriend and for our friends to know we’re in a relationship, but you want to KISS me? Cuddle? Have sex?! How DARE you!” Like seriously, is that normal in any relationship, straight or gay? Is there a plot value that outweighs the verisimilitude break that I’m just not getting? I just don’t understand it.

It was one of the main reasons I enjoyed Ae and Pete in LBC as a couple so much—they were just so OBVIOUSLY into each other, to the point that when Ae tries too hard to be a gentleman Pete puts his foot down because god damn it he has needs! They acted like a real couple, IMO.

I’m really waiting to find the BL where the main leads after getting into a relationship kiss each other hello and goodbye. So simple and I think extremely common IRL even for most young couples that haven’t been together that long (which is what most BL couples are). And yet even Pat and Pran in Bad Buddy, with their super-high levels of blessed domesticity, didn’t give us that.

Anyway, other than that (plus completely wasting a hottie like Drake on a bit part) I thought the show was amazing, which is why I’m watching it through again.

Oooo, what an interesting question. And there's a lot to unpack.

I think what you’re tunneling in on is two things:

Queer lens (from the director) and chemistry (from the actors) in BL

So I do rate 1000 Stars very highly. That’s because I found the quality of production excellent, the romance arc (as a narrative) tight and well paced, and the whole casts’ acting good. (I tend to adjust my standards and expectations depending on the country producing the drama. Believe me, this is great for Thailand.)

However, despite the fact that it’s directed by a gay man, I don’t think of it as particularly queer lens (I promise, I’ll explain) nor do I think the actor’s chemistry as a pair is all that great. (EarthMix have gotten a lot better since then. Cupid’s Last Wish, airing right now, is a fucking nightmare BUT EarthMix’s chemistry in it is insanely good. So either they’ve improved like crazy over the last year or they were told to be reserved in 1k*.)

So, all cards on the table with A Tale of Thousand Stars?

I’ve never bothered rewatch it (I wouldn’t call it comforting in the way I like). Also I have very few screen caps of it, a sure sign (for me) that I didn’t personally jive with the show. I tend to recommend it because it is objectively quite good for a Thai BL, and therefore I think those new to the fold would enjoy it as an entry level drug... so to speak.

I’m curious what you thought about the actual romance between the two main characters?

I think the romance is solid (from a romantic novel perspective). We can watch the two slowly fall in love with each other and the actors did a good job with this. That’s the emotional side of the equation. The physical and mental sides of falling in love, maybe not so much.

Please let me explain:

I have a post where I talk all about kissing in BL, but it’s also a vehicle to discuss how actors portray 3 kinds of chemistry on screen.

GOOD CHEMISTRY ON SCREEN

I believe that good chemistry (from the viewers perspective) comes down to three things:

emotional resonance (AKA empathy - heart) - face expression, eye contact, nuance

physical reactions (AKA sexual responses - body) - breath matching, lip softness, hand movements, other body language

sympathetic execution (AKA intellectual connection - mind) - dialogue delivery, interplay and push/pull or call and response

In other words, the audience needs to feel that the characters

like each emotionally

desire each other physically

are enjoying it (AKA understand each others needs intellectually)

I think what you’re seeing in 1k* is that the actors got 1. down, 3. sort of, but 2. not at all. No excuses, but this is heritage Thai BL’s style.

SOTUS (who kinda started everything) is exactly the same way. To the point where I tend to think of Arthit as ace because there isn’t any other possible explanation for his behavior (as a character). (Apparently, I have been informed, he’s written that way too.) Even Love Sick (which really started everything) has pretty TERRIBLE kisses.

So there is TRADITION behind this kind of uneven chemistry in Thai BL, right up to and including 2gether.

You can think of these as a lot like romance novels written in the 1970s. Although written by women for women, these romances got a lot wrong about real life romance (especially from a feminist perspective). A lot of BLs just get a lot WRONG about what it’s really like to be gay (or bi) and in love. Or they sanitize the shit out of it (HA, literally, OMG I’m bad, stop me now.)

So BLs are/were ALSO being made intentionally palatable for a wider (read straight) audience. And perhaps they once thought that palatability had to do with making it romantic without forcing the audience to actually *think* about two men having sex. (Ho boy has this changed.) Or maybe they need to get it past censors, or gun for a particular air time, a less mature rating, etc...

Regardless, with most BL (like soap operas, or romcoms) there’s little or no actual tethering to real life, real gay experiences, or actual representation of the queer community either. Although there have been some MAJOR strides in Thai BL this year (2022), if you’re watching anything made prior to 2021 a queer lens is unlikely.

Let’s call this...

BL’s Sanitized Alt-Reality Bubble

Wide swaths of BL exist in a kind of alt reality bubble that’s connected to very little of what being gay is actually like.

And for some narratives that BECAUSE they come from particularly homophobic societies (couch cough Korea) so that’s kinda the point. (They can’t address being gay directly or they’d be calling their own society to task and Hallyu doesn’t permit that - AKA the drama would not get funding or distribution.)

And for some it’s just they don’t want to tackle yet another coming out story arc, so they just set it in a world where being gay is a non issue by having friends be utterly accepting and not representing parents at all.

Weirdly, I kind of like this because as a (sort of older) queer person, I do really just want an alt reality where the gay isn’t an issue, where the story is just like any other romance drama, with conflict coming from other sources than the gayness.

I do LOVE a great coming out scene (see He’s Coming to Me) but I also love it when the being gay is treated as normal, even ordinary, like in Semantic Error. I love the that girl character (who is also interested in SangWoo) simply sees JaeYoung as a love rival, like she would another girl (and as a bit of an arse, which he totally is).

On to physical chemistry gayness...

In Thailand, it’s only recently, and only really the non-GMMTV studios who started pushing for better #2 (physical chemistry), and then they will sometimes forget 1, and usually forget 3.

It’s kinda maddening.

Here’s:

11 BLs with the BEST Chemistry - putting aside heat levels, quality of production, and story (it’s dated, there are a bunch airing in 2022 that have a lot more action).

However I wouldn’t say these had a queer lens either. So here’s this one:

10 BLs That Are Honest to a Queer Experience

But honestly I should do a post about all rounders, ones where I feel like they got everything right in romance and chemistry: physical, mental, emotional, but in leu of that post, here’s a list:

Best All Round Chemistry from KOREA

Everything out of Korea exists in the sanitized fantasy bubble.

Semantic Error (viki) - best all rounder, and my current favorite BL, both as a BL and a romance.

To My Star (viki) - not great on story but the romance is good, STICKS the landing so wait for it. I would put Oh! Boarding House also into this category.

Blueming (iqiyi) - it’s a little uneven but the arc and premise is good, and the chemistry is great. It’s a good example of how Korea approaches homosexuality in these narratives, like it’s never even directly talked about or referred too but there’s this one scene with two of their friends talking about them actually being a couple and it’s SO coded, it’s kinda crazy to watch and listen to.

More from Korea and their bubble where the chemistry is good but it falls down in other arenas like story structure: The Tasty Florida, My Sweet Dear, Behind Cut.

Best All Round Chemistry from TAIWAN

In general if you want good chemistry just watch all the Taiwanese stuff. Story structure and consent and such is all over the darn place, it’s harsh and a little delightfully dirty, but the chemistry is rarely bad and they just seem a lot more, ya know, actually gay.

We Best Love - (WeTV & grey) story is a HOT mess, the chemistry is unbeatable

HIStory 2: Crossing the Line (viki) - a favorite of mine, solid all rounder, HIStory 2: Right or Wrong is good too.

Be Loved In House: I Do (viki) - another one with a wackdoodle story but great chemistry. In fact, this could be said of most Taiwanese stuff.

See You After Quarantine? (viki) is great too, but they aren’t physically together for most of it, the story is fun tho.

Best All Round Chemistry from JAPAN

Utsukushii Kare AKA My Beautiful Man (gaga) - another one where you gotta wait for the end but once it gets there it’s unbeatable, ho boy, this one is hella kinky tho

Japan’s lens around BL and queernes (also kink and other stuff) is complex and incredibly reserved with regards to physical displays of affection. Watching Life: Love On the Line would give you a good window into this push/pull, but it’s very complicated and wrapped up in the history of yaoi.

Best All Round Chemistry from THE PHILIPPINES

My Day (grey) - hard to get hold of right now but the chemistry can’t be beaten even if it’s super campy (even more campy is Rainbow Prince, but you gotta love Disney to enjoy that glorious dumpster fire)

Like In The Movies AKA Gaya Sa Pelikula - this one, on the other hand is still on YouTube and is excellent. In fact, it might be exactly what you’re looking for and is a great example of the heights that the Philippines can achieve when they really go all out. Very queer lens.

Gameboys (Netflix) is great too, but again they aren’t together at all until the end.

Best All Round Chemistry from THAILAND

Not Me the series (YT) - so this isn’t really BL, the romance is incidental not a driver, but it is a great show and very very queer. Similarly 3 Will Be Free from the same team.

Lovely Writer (YT) - this one takes the BL industry to task, is has some awkwardness around that while also being a BL, one half of the couple is WAY more touchy feely than the other but for me, it works.

Why R U? (viki) and Cutie Pie (YT - airing now) both have crazy high heat without the issues that TharnType had, but they are... I don’t quite know how to put this, not good EXCEPT as Thai BLs, in which case they are quite good.

Love Stage!! (grey) - the Thai version of a Japanese manga/anime/live action that is really fascinating in how it compares and grapples with two takes on the same genre.

Dark Blue Kiss (YT) - so this is an established couple attempting to stay in the closet and all the drama that involves, the leads are comfortable with each other in a way that speaks to a true LTR, and it has a bit of a domesticity component.

Love By Chance (YT) - just AePete tho, but they are truly wonderful as a couple, possible one of the best we’ve ever gotten

Bad Buddy (YT) - if you want GMMTV level production quality and acting, then it should be this one but it exists in that everything about being queer is okay fantasy bubble I talk about (for Korea especially), but I don’t happen to mind that, personally.

I Told Sunset About You (grey) - I have personal issues with this show but the story is blatantly queer, cinematographically stunning, acting amazing, and the chemistry cannot be beaten, it’s excellent just a bit traumatic for some of us depending on your own journey to coming out and self acceptance, I wouldn’t say trigger warning but it did trigger me (I’ve never managed to finish it)

All that said, casual displays of physical affection, publicly or otherwise, are gonna be pretty rare in all Asian dramas except for those out of Taiwan and the Philippines (for obvious reasons given their respective socio-political histories with the west).

Now, there are exceptions from Thailand happening more and more (Cutie Pie, Secret Crush On You) but mostly, by western standards, these dramas are RESERVED.

I’m genuinely curious what your take was because maybe we’re just biased or something, or there may be cultural sensibilities that we’re missing that make it all make sense.

I would agree. And, as you said, there are nuances to (and sensibilities around) representations and cultural expectations of what it means to be in love, to be romantic, and to be gay/queer in different cultures.

Like when I first came to Asian dramas in general I found the forehead kiss outright WEIRD and the head pats very proprietary and oddly paternal. But these gestures are considered HUGELY romantic in Korea, China, and Thailand in particular.

Now, these are visual trope nuances of how affection is shown (and expected to be shown) but the same thing will color the other aspects of chemistry, for example how couples romantically communicate will be different, how they react to each other, even domestically. Especially domestically with casual displays of affection.

To understand if what you are encountering is a societal difference (rather than a systemic homophobic one) you probubly need to watch some het romances from the country in question.

I mean, and this might seem rather arbitrary, but for example: lip kissing in Korea (and I think Japan too, way back) was/is so rare that Korea, at least, uses the English word for "kiss”. (When they specifically mean a romantic/sexualized lip kiss.) Linguistically this says a lot about what’s normalized behavior in a country.

I have a post about the language around the term “I am gay” versus “I like me” in Thai here.

Yep, this is more common than not. Although, as I said the 2022 Thai BL line up is really trying to change this.

Ah okay, so some of this has to do with the Blushing Maiden Trope & Seme/Uke sex negativity in BL.

In that post I talk about it, but essentially since the uke character is associated with the female role (SIGH) he isn’t allowed to have sexual interest or agency because he’d be perceived as a whore, or dirty by the narrative (also “too gay”). And THAT is a feminist issue (as well as a queer one) tied up with the old: woman can’t like sex belief.

Agreed. I like AePete best in the world. I also like that Ae, at least at the beginning, comes off as a little demi.

Frankly MAME’s universe (the author/producer) often has a lot of good couple chemistry (TharnType, Don’t Say No, etc...) but also has fucking Techno getting raped... Type getting molested... and the WORST stories. Some of us call this “MAME whiplash,” it’s both the best and the worst. Much of the BL fandom is in a mini war with ourselves and MAME over this.

Taiwan. You want Taiwan. Watch We Best Love, it’ll have everything you need in life. Also HIStory 2: Right or Wrong is SUPER domestic.

And the Philippines. Both My Day and Like in the Movies do this.

Also, Vietnam. They give some of the best domesticity (the little casual LTR touches you’re talking about). You could try Mr Cinderella or My Lascivious Boss (hella queer) or even Cause You’re Ma Boy (all on YouTube). Vietnamese BL has pretty poor production values and some growing pains tho, so be wary.

Meow Ears Up (gaga) is doing domesticity, but it’s an odd premise. Ingredients (YT) is very very domestic, but again, odd premise. In Ingredients the two are housemates, but basically married form the start it’s just that them getting together, so it takes a while.

Anyway, other than that (plus completely wasting a hottie like Drake on a bit part) I thought the show was amazing, which is why I’m watching it through again.

You know Drake had his own BL? It’s called ‘Cause You're My Boy or occasionally My Tee (it might still be on YT). It is a hot mess in the Love Sick and Make It Right vein, but it’s oddly queer and he’s great in it.

I hope this tackled some of your questions and pointed you towards some new shows you might love!

There’s quite a bit of comment chatter going on for this one, so check them out.

Also @heretherebedork has a really great post about BL and “authentically queer” here.

(source)

Dengue

Two weeks ago, I got sick.

I suddenly had a fever on Thursday August 8. I woke up feeling fine, procrastinated in the morning and began working, when I suddenly felt warm and weak. I was preparing for lunch then. Good thing my mom was at home to take over.

I was shocked to see that my fever reached 39C. It was a high fever! Accompanied by dry cough. I thought I caught the flu. I was able to cook some snacks in the afternoon, made me think that it wasn't a serious illness at all, affirming my thought that I just had a flu.

My fever continued the following day Friday, reaching 40C! I contacted my doctor cousin (a dermatologist) and prescribed me to take some antibiotics and something for the cough. Then on Saturday, my temperature went back to normal. I thought I was already recovering. Night came and again, I had a high fever until the following morning. I told my mom and she had a hunch that I probably contracted the dengue virus. It was a Sunday and no clinics were open. Going straight to the hospital seemed an overkill, and I didn't want to risk getting admitted yet.

On Monday, I went to a diagnostic lab and got tested for dengue. I was positive. My doctor cousin was also hesitant to send me to the hospital since what I had was a viral infection, I just really need to eat well and stay hydrated, to aid my body into fighting the infection. She said to have my blood taken everyday to monitor my platelets. My platelet count was below the normal range. On Tuesday, I had my blood tested again and my platelet count increased albeit still below the normal range.

My mom was already panicking a bit. During the previous nights, she slept in our room to accompany me or make sure I'm still okay while asleep. She was in contact with her friends the whole time I got diagnosed with dengue, asking them for tawatawa plant - a local herbal medicine believed to aid dengue patients to have a speedier recovery from dengue. One of her friends based overseas, a doctor, convinced her to have me admitted to a hospital to make sure that my vitals are being monitored well. I didn't want to be admitted yet because I don't have any health insurance and no money either. I feel bad to have my family shoulder my medical expenses.

She talked to my doctor cousin, and another doctor cousin who is also a daughter of one of her close friends, they both said that since my platelet count has increased even if below the normal range, we could still continue to monitor my platelet count, and it had not reached the critical phase yet which getting admitted to the hospital was more imperative. My mother agreed. The following day, another day to have my blood taken and tested, my platelet count dropped to 40 and my hematocrit increased as well - two signs that my doctor cousins told my mother to watch out for. After getting the results, we finally went to a big hospital to have me admitted.

In a side story of confusion, my first doctor cousin wanted to endorse me to another doctor specializing in infectious disease and who share our surname, making us wonder whether this new doctor is a relative. With the help of my second doctor cousin, we got the new doctor's permission to be my physician. Alas, we were not able to go straight to admission since the endorsement only happened through texts so I was first admitted to the emergency room. It was my first time getting administered with a heplock(?) where my IV will be attached.

First, I underwent some lab tests - a chest x-ray, blood samples, and urinalysis. In the radiology room, the personnel was pleasant and professional. She helped me remove my bra which became a challenge to do so because of the IV. Next was in the hepa something lab to have my blood taken again, this time in the hospital. Earlier, I already had my blood taken for lab but in a clinic. This time it was for the hospital records. The first personnel to do so, a woman, had difficulty finding my vein and drawing blood. It was painful. That was the only time I felt pain while having my blood taken. I didn't know how or why, but I overheard them say that the blood was not flowing smoothly which might affect the sample. She asked for help of another personnel, this time a cute guy. He seemed more competent. Despite already having multiple puncture wounds in my right arm due to the multiple times of having my blood taken, I didn't feel any pain when he drew out my blood. He was also able to get more amount enough for all the tests needed. After successfully taking my blood, he remarked that the entire "ordeal" made him sweat. I looked at him and saw his chest, neck, and face sweaty. It was kinda cute.

After that, I was finally escorted to my room. I was instructed to give a urine sample. I was having my period that time, around a week early than my expected next cycle (probably because of whatever dengue has done to my blood? that made my period come earlier than expected?), and so it was a bit embarrassing.

I stayed in the hospital from Aug 14 Wednesday, with my mom watching over me. My brother took over the following day since my mom had to go to work. I was visited by D on my 2nd day of confinement. On Saturday, the new doctor instructed to have me discharged since I was already past the critical phase when my platelet count tanked on the day I got admitted and the following day. On the 3rd and 4th day Saturday (when I was discharged), my platelet count had been increasing. Doc said that it meant I had entered the recovery phase. I was discharged with still low platelet count; thus I still felt week on Sunday, a full day after getting discharged. I gave myself 3 days before getting back to work. Now, Wednesday, I kind of warmed up with my tasks and so tomorrow I need to start working asap.

I recounted eveything that happened since I got sick but my main purpose for writing this was to thank my mom.

We don't always get along. Actually, I don't always agree with her. I've reached the age where I think I kind of have an equal footing with her. As an adult with different consciousness than her, I just see things more differently than her. She is no longer someone I put in a pedestal for being my mom. I kind of look at her with an "adult" lens.

But this experience of getting sick and having her by my side all the time, caring for me, looking after me... I feel so grateful and fortunate for having a mom like her. I don't know what would have happened to me if she wasn't with me. I know that she would not - never - abandon me or leave me especially when I was sick. I felt like a kid again. I felt that I needed her more than ever, and I could not imagine a time when she wouldn't be with me when I need her like if I get sick again. It makes me sad to think, that as I grow older, the possibility of losing her becomes more and more possible. It's self-centered, I know, to think this way because of how useful she is to me... but was there really any time when I didn't need her? None. Walang panahon na hindi ko siya kailangan. I always need her because she is my mother. The truth is, she could do without me, I am now just a burden to her. I know that she is worried about me, of how I'm gonna live my life after being unemployed for a long time. She has been patient with me, she and my dad. I am so grateful. I don't know what I would do without them. I am still not ready to face the possibility that they might be gone one day.

For now, I don't wanna face it. I don't wanna think about it.

The best thing, I guess, for me to show my love for them is to be a strong person, to be employed again, to show them that I can manage living on my own like if I get sick again. I want to be not a burden to them. I will always need them, yes, but maybe not in a way where it seems like I can't live without them.

This is a new goal.

#personal

Never Learned to I Will Learn

Before I talk myself to fully commit to a lofty goal, I first need to confront my regrets and make sure I will not fall under it again in the future.

When I look back on the last seven years of my life, all I feel is regret -- from not knowing what to do with my life in the entire seven years... not taking advantage of whatever opportunity the pandemic had offered... my weak mind that always fall into anxiety and become paralyzed over it... to wasting chances of earning money because I didn't want to "sacrifice" my free time and sleep...

Seems like I just really don't like the way I am. I would very much like to accept myself and change.

Before this, who was I?

Back during the latter half of my teen years, I had the stubborn mindset to achieve something to prove other people wrong. I actually did achieve them - getting into a prestigious school in an unexpected campus, becoming a club president, leading a writing organization to great heights...

I achieved them but was always haunted by impostor syndrome, by my own self-criticisms. Taking away these things, for a moment, it is undeniable that I have actually achieved them. With lots of help from other people who believed in me and supported me.

Is this the antidote to impostor syndrome? To have faith in people who, likewise, had faith in me? I believe so.

What about the self-criticisms and negative self-talk part? I really think that self-criticisms are important to keep me grounded and to maintain my self-awareness. How not to do it too much to the point it will shame me and stop my actions, though?

Now that I used the word "shame," I figured it out. Just like what Brene Brown said, self-compassion is the antidote, to poseess self-compassion along with self-criticisms expressed or worded in a healthy way. And maybe asking feedback and support from people I know will be kind to me.

Now I'm beginning to feel empowered... but not just yet!

The realization of potential is intoxicating and (had) could make me feel like I've aleeady done something when I have not yet. This is something I should be careful of.

Actions are the only concrete measure of achievement. I have to make plans and make a system of feedback. I have to identify my weaknesses, what I'm willing to sacrifice, what my intentions are, and what are my goals. I need to prepare my mind, my heart, and my hands. I need to make my resolve. I will make plans and make a system of feedback. I will identify my weaknesses, what I'm willing to sacrifice, what my intentions are, and what my goals are. I will prepare my mind, my heart, and my hands. I will be resolute in my goals, because I WANT TO ACHIEVE SOMETHING.

I will be courageous despite the fear, just like when I was young. I will be brave; I will be compassionate to myself. I will be humble, always.

Now back to facing my regrets, what shall I make of them?

I think I should bid them goodbye. I should not be haunted by them anymore and focus on the present instead. I will summarize all my regrets, make a point-by-point action to counteract them. Then, I will let them go. They had their moments, their time was in the past; thus in the past, I must leave them. Again, I will be compassionate to myself. I was in a freeze state, due to uncertainty. I did what I could, given at those moments. I chose to devote myself to our home. I have put any career, or interest needs to the back burner. I grounded myself by performing my duties as a daughter and the eldest sister. I wasn't my best self then because I was coming from a place of scarcity, negativity, and fear. I was burnt out with my negative mind always going into overdrive. I didn't know what I like because I had let go of myself. I gave up on me.

It's different now.

Now that I have some clarity, I choose to go beyond that. I am choosing myself again. I choose to become bigger than what I've been in the last seven years.

I aim to be the best I can be in the next seven years.

#personal

In the Eye of the Beholder

Last weekend, I went out with friends after a lot of hesitation. Since I received some money why not splurge a little - and "splurge" I did. I had fun. I missed my friends, I missed drinking. I felt thankful for going.

Then pictures were posted. And videos.

I saw a video of me and felt horrified of how I looked. Half of my brackets were undone and thus maybe contributed to why the left part of my face seemed to be pulled to twist by the right part of the face and my mouth protrude a little, a complication brought by my TMJ disorder and two years of ghosting my dentist.

The lower half of my face looked grotesque.

My mind immediately jumped to thoughts of other people in my friend's network judging my face. Mutual acquaintances probably messaged her to ask what happened to my face. I also wondered if my friends talked about what happened to my face.

I tried not to think about it, forced myself not to be bothered too much. I kept it at the back of my head, not focusing on it but not forgetting about it either.

Then today my sister sent a screenshot of a lady participating in a noon time show exes portion, and said I looked like the girl.

My mind immediately rejected the idea. I looked at the girl, zoomed the pic a bit to figure out our resemblance. Figured it out then replied to my sister - "not really."

The lower half of our faces look kinda the same sans the twisting appearance of my masseter muscles to the lady's. Our lips were both curling downwards probably the result of wearing braces which we both do. Our face shape is kinda similar too, both round for without angles of the jaw.

I don't like my face. How many times have I said that.

I'm not ugly ugly, but also not pretty pretty.

I don't know why this is my fucking problem. I don't know why amongst all of my issues, this is the biggest one as if all the rest of my issues are brought by this face issue.

Does this mindset reflect on my face? It probably does.

On the occasions I forgot what I thought about my face, I wonder if I did look beautiful.

#personal #blah blah

sonatacunt-deactivated20211212

anyone know that reddit post about a girl who’s gf washes her hair and it talks about non sexual intimacy

sonatacunt-deactivated20211212

found it :)

evening-moon-rising

My heart..

topaz-stars

This reminds me of this post;

Forgive me guys as I do not remember where the screenshot is from, but I have it here and I wanted to share with you.

onegoldenglance

Cheers

Putangina ang ingay dito sa bahay

May kapitbahay na grabe mamalo at magpagalit ng anak, nakabuo na ko ng daydream kung paano siya icoconfront pero syempre hindi ko gagawin

Tapos may nagpapraktis ng sayaw

A few blocks away meron ding nagwawalang bata

Yung mga patok na jeep na ambibilis magpatakbo kahit residential area ang street namin mga bwiset

Tapos ako na hirap na hirap magfocus at walang motivation magtrabaho, kailangan pang kaharapin ang mga ito

LECHE

OH MY GOD AYOKO PALA TALAGA MAGTRABAHO..?

O baka dahil lang nasa bahay ako pero fuck pagod na ko kahit konti pa lang nagagawa kooo

bugboy-and-weaponslady

All this romanitic fanfic Ive been reading are gonna be the death of me. Makes me reflect odny own laxk of lovelige, craving for romance and sensuality and desire that I dont think will come my way anysooner.

Its easy to imagine bejng in a relationship,, being involved with someone but Im not sure if I can deal qith what comes before--gaining trust, building intimacy, getting vulnerable. It might be an overstatement but my past (barely) experiences are traumatic. I dont want another mistake. I dont eant to risk myself again. I dont want to get any morr vulnerable than how uncertain and anxious I feel aboitmy lack of achievements in life.

I can imagine myself being a cool aunt for my future pamangkins and inaanaks. It wouldnt be so bad, no?

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