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Today is a bit scary for me. I'll tell you why. I'm launching a secret project I've been working on for a year. It's called Byta (@mybyta). It's a passion project and a dream of mine. It's my hope to create less waste. To encourage a reusable economy instead of a disposable one. Let me explain. . Early last year, I got bummed on myself for all the coffee cups I throw away. I am a writer, and need a lot of coffee to function (🙃). I was burning through hundreds and hundreds of paper and plastic cups a year. That's a lot of trash. Later I read a study that said some 500 billion disposable cups are thrown away every year, and only 1 in 400 coffee cups ever gets recycled. 😳 ..So my New Years resolution was to get a reusable mug that I liked. One that wasn't too huge. That was cool and fit in my car. ...but, I couldn't find one I liked, anywhere. Not online, not at any coffee shop or store. I was bummed. I tried some stop-gap options, but wasn't happy. . Another friend of mine said: "you know, if something doesn't exist, and you want it, you should make it, because chances are, other people would want it to." A light bulb went off in my head. Wow! I'm gonna try this. And so we did. . I didn't have much money, so I couldn't order a ton of them. But I thought I'd start small and see if people believe in this like I do. . It's called Byta, (Bee-tuh) which is Swedish for 'to exchange or swap'. To switch out the disposable lifestyle for a beautiful reusable one. To make a little change, a tiny bite in the big depressing world of waste. I'm really proud of how it turned out. . Oh man I hope y'all like it and want to join me in this. I've been using mine for four months now, and I'm not joking, it is my addiction and my baby. I feel so bummed when I forget it and have to use a paper cup. It's actually changed the way I consume. No joke! . Anywho. I love you all. And I love this cup. Thanks for reading all this. #byta @mybyta . (Ps getting to think up designs and shapes and colors with @laurenpaul8 is the ultimate dream! Girl, finally we're coworkers!!! Haha) . (Pps for international orders email us at [email protected]) . Photos by @coryt and @samanthamarq ❤️

#byta

When I walk into a room full of people, I don't feel the vibe. I just bust in and start hugging people or making a drink or being loud. . Some people aren't like that. They feel it all. . I was at lunch with a friend and she said she absorbs the energy of everyone around her. She mirrors. She said Coachella was hard for her. All that thirsty ambition and peacocking. . She said growing up, one of her parents was a grab bag of emotions... each morning as a little girl, she'd wake up and not know which parent she was getting. Angry. Happy. Depressed. Manic. So she learned to tread with care. She learned to come downstairs ready to become whoever she had to be, in order to keep the peace. In order to survive. . Now as an adult, she can't help but walk into a room and feel it all. At Coachella, she said the clawing for attention, for VIP access, for this party or that, she felt bulldozed by it all. I said, 'oh wow, I saw that I guess, but it didn't affect me. It was just funny to me.' . I am not sensitive to the room. I am a steady smiling dog wagging his tail wherever I go. But that often diminishes my empathy, my work as a friend. Someone will say, 'what's wrong with Clark?' ...I'll be like, 'what? nothing. He seemed fine to me.' And then I find out he's crying in the bathroom. . My closest friends have this, the radius of the heart, that reaches out and feels the beating of others. They soften me. And I give them stamina. When it's too much, they come to me and I lick their faces and wag my tail and remind them that it'll all be ok. . 📷: @lululovering

The first phase of having a crush can be treacherous. You like how someone looks, their tone and vibe, the way they dress. The first checks on your checklist are getting checked. Check check check. Ooh they said something funny? Check. They like black coffee and Rascal Flatts? This is looking GOOD. Right about then, somewhere between your eyes and stomach, the pheromones kick in.. and pull the pulleys of your brain, and this person becomes all you can think about. . This is when things can go wrong. Imagine you have a long checklist of traits that you've decided make someone compatible. It's maybe fifty things if you're picky. Or fifteen if you're not. Some of these things you could list off right now. Others are subconscious, preferences you don't know you have, and you only know them when you see them. Check. or Yikes. . The trickiness of the crushing crush is that your brain does something unfair in this moment. This dreamy human has checked off the first five on the list. Looking good, right? Then the brain just goes ahead and checks off everything else. Check check check check. Right then, they become fantasy. Could this person be the answer to my holy checklist?? Could they!? . And so, you create a fake person. You imagine someone who looks like your crush, sounds like your crush, but has all your checks checked. Then, you want to date that person. Or maybe you're already dating. And the person, the real person I mean, keeps showing you who they are. And suddenly, check no. 47 gets x'ed out. Then no. 24. One after another. And you resent your boyfriend or girlfriend for not being who you created them to be. . And in your resentment, you might not see that a lot of your checklist was unnecessary or misguided. At minimum, your mind is at war with itself. Is this ok? Am I settling? . You are hurt and angry and in knots at the tiny deaths of your fantasy. And you take it out on this poor person who never promised to be anyone but who they really are. . And chances are, they did this to you too. . 📷: @lululovering

Elements I look for in friendship: . Curiosity. The attraction to knowing what is true in spite of attachment to something already believed. . Kindness & mischief. A foundational generosity towards others, but not the pious martyr who cannot laugh at the weirdness of people. I need you to love all, but smack their back and say 'damn you act a fool sometimes!' Laughing at the world and yourself in balance. . Belief. In something. In mystery, or humanity, or God, or the beautiful bigness of space. Nihilists and critics make me tired. . Awe. If you see the Milky Way on a clear night in the desert, and don't gasp... if I point out a flower growing impossibly in the crack of cement, and you don't look... I will annoy you. . Absurdity. If you don't think God, sex, death, poop, or pain can ever be funny, absurd in their place in the world... then I will offend you and you will wear me out. I'm in this life for the long haul, and need the stamina of satire and absurdity to make it through. I need to laugh with my friends to survive. . Self. I need you to believe that you are worth the effort of exposition, of excavation, of education. That you matter and have something for this world. It's ok if you don't know right now, or sometimes forget... but I need it in there somewhere. I want to grow with you. I want to sharpen you as you sharpen me. . There are more. I can't think of them right now. Help me if you'd like. Tell me yours. . . . Photos from my weekend of sharpening and laughter with friends that personify these things.

It freaks me out when I read interviews with the world's most successful people. It's like most of them are unhappy. Have y'all read the new Brad Pitt article in GQStyle? It's vulnerable and simple and you can feel a weariness in him. He's lost his wife. He's lost his kids for now. He's in his big beautiful house alone with a dog. He's tired of acting. He has started sculpting. He's philosophical in a bewildered way. There's one moment where he says, 'I've become absolutely tired of myself.' . I remember being in my late twenties and feeling something like that. I was still making the same lies and manipulations and mistakes I'd been making at 18. I remember thinking 'shoot, it's ten years later, I'm an adult now, and I'm still doing this.' I wanted a new set of vices, a fresh start. I see why people move to new cities and start new lives. I can see why people have midlife crises and affairs. We realize the accruing imperfections, the ones we thought cute or permissible in youth, are sticking to us like coats of paint. They are becoming us. We're outgrowing nothing but excuses. . Imagine being one of the most successful actors (or humans) on the planet, the world wants to be you in a thousand ways, and you're lonely and confused and tired and fidgeting. You have few peers. Who's shoulder do you lean on? . 'I've become tired of myself.' . How many dads are bad to their wives and kids because they quit growing, quit excavating their vices year over year? . How many moms are bitter and cunning in their manipulations, motivated by a justice they seek through a thousand cuts, poisoning themselves to kill someone else? . How many humans are controlled by their brokenness, so committed to it, that to heal it would erase who they've become? Erase the person they think they are? . Thinking about all this today. . 📷: @jasonradical (at Mount Whitney)

If your mom had a farm and worked hard in her youth and planted many crops, and no calamities came to her or her farm, you would grow up with a full belly. . If my mom had a farm and didn't work hard, or a tornado came and destroyed her home, or thieves took everything, I would grow up hungry. My mom would be ashamed, or broken and mean, and in her brokenness, maybe she would hate me and herself. . Either way, you and I didn't earn our beginnings. You didn't earn a successful mother any more than I earned an unsuccessful one. We were fated to them. . You, the well fed child, would be strong and perhaps with enough leisure time to develop other skills, ones that make you competitive. You would assume your childhood is what all childhood is like. . I would be frail and looking for food. My mom may be frail too. I may have to look after her. I may be hardened by the meanness of my fate. I may distrust, and therefore repeat her cycle of meanness. . You may meet me on the playground (though unlikely because we wouldn't go to the same school) and ask why my clothes are dirty. I would be ashamed. . You are kind and successful. I am hard and sad. Both are a self-affirming spiral. . Now imagine this cycle over ten generations. . There is a paradox in our thinking: to believe that the efforts or misfortunes of our parents greatly determine our lives (this is logically true), while simultaneously believing that we come into life on equal footing, and that our successes are ours to boast about. . This seems responsible for the spiritual tension in the air, from sea to shining sea. The sins of the father, the abuse and wealth and crookedness and goodness, all commingled into history. We wake up into life profiting by, or disadvantaged by, the events of our ancestors... we're proud of some of the things, we ignore others. We stand on the shoulders of great humans and the backs of the enslaved or cheated... and yet, . Here we are, responsible for our own lives, taking credit for our hard work and our careers, blaming the junky for his weakness, praising the entrepreneur for her work ethic. Ignoring the puppeteer of history and consequence. . 📷: @sampepke

The whole world can fall apart, your parents can die, he can stop loving you, and all manner of things can go wrong. By that I mean 'what we expect from life goes unfulfilled, and often.' People stop believing in God all the time. . But even in the darkest rubble of chaos, if you manage to hang on, there will be a lull in hell.. a clear sky and maybe a sunset. If you are given one minute to catch your breath, you might think 'the sky is beautiful.' You may feel bad for thinking this, when misery has become your reason, when anger at God has become your calling. . But you can't help it. Even fire can be beautiful. And rainbows show up in war. And the thought that it all might just mean something creeps back in. Even if it's a delusion. It creeps back in. . 📷: @spencer.r.scott #almondorchard #whiteflowerslikesnow

#almondorchard #whiteflowerslikesnow

I had the best conversation last night. About the unique chemistry of each friendship. About how the statement 'you act differently around him' shouldn't come as a surprise. People can say that critically and reasonably, because some people do bring out the worst in us... but on the other side of it is a much more nuanced story. . Every friend I have brings out an exclusive side of me. That means that who I am, in the moment of connecting with a friend, becomes different. Or a certain shade of me is exposed only by them. . The way I laugh with Jason is different than with Lauren. The way I lean to listen with Brady is different than with Kenny. The way I stay up late with Liat is different than Whitney. . Of course I'm different. There is no alchemy quite like the mix of two unique souls in the moments of their mixing. And when they separate, it may linger on their faces, but it cannot be recreated until the next togetherness. . This makes jealousy an odd and unnecessary thing. . It makes the death of a friend such a broad loss. You lose the person as a whole, the unique person they became with you, and the unique side of you that emerged in their presence. Never to return again. CS Lewis talks about this somewhere I believe. . So, every new friendship is a new side of you, a new birth that wasn't there before. You make a new friend and meet a new you. . I just love this thought. The endless richness of self and the prism of colors whose only access is friendship. . And as you meet yourselves, you'll meet some you like better than others. So spend time with your better selves by spending time with the magic potions of people that call them out. . 📷: @coryt #selfhelpposts #hahaha #ivebeenreadingDearSugar

#ivebeenreadingdearsugar #hahaha #selfhelpposts

9 out of 10 people would murder a stranger by pulling a lever. Do y'all know this famous thought experiment? Here's the scenario: . Imagine you're watching a train speed down the track from a bridge above it. Up ahead are five unsuspecting innocent people that will be run over. But in front of you is a lever. If you pull it, it'll switch the track to a different one.. where only one unsuspecting innocent person is standing. Would you pull the lever, effectively killing the one guy to save the five, or do nothing at all? 9 out of 10 people would pull it. . What gets interesting is a slight change in the setup. Same scenario, but this time there's no track switch. Instead, you're standing on the bridge over the tracks next to a stranger. Down the way, the five people are doomed. If you push the stranger, he'd land on the tracks and stop the train. Saving five lives. Would you push him? 9 out of 10 people say no. Hell no. . But what's the difference? Same math. Same loss of life. The only difference is the lever. . Psychologists have observed that humans are deeply averse to violence when it's face to face. We have a deep instinct against it. But, one step removed, and that instinct is almost completely diminished. (I heard all this on @radiolab's episode Morality... it's a must listen) . To me, this explains why bullying thrives on the internet. Why road-rage exists more than sidewalk-rage. Why drone strikes are ethically toxic. Why government wastes money that isn't theirs. Why suffering in Syria feels less real. Our animal brains have no software for a connected world, a world of buttons and levers and screens to hide behind. . Trust your physical world more than the others. Trust the kindness of strangers on the sidewalk. You were designed for it. . (Post-script: maybe those with more compassion for the distant and different are more evolved? Hmm)

This year is a check-list year. I just officially signed my book deal. Meaning pen to paper it's 100% real. My due date is June 5th. I have been working on this thing for two years and now it's time to polish it up, tie it together, make it sing, and turn it in. I have just over four months. I can do this! (Self-pep talk). My guess is it'll come out early next year, but that's up to the publisher. :) Of course I'll let y'all know. . I'm also starting a company with a few of my friends. We're tired of this 'disposable economy,' where everything is meant to be used once and thrown away. So we're making something you'll want to keep forever. 😊 I can't talk specifically about it yet... but I'll tell you in the spring. . These ideas of making something or becoming something... there's such a weird chasm between dreaming and doing. It's much smaller than you think... but it's terrifying. I'm realizing that no one is going to give you permission to make or do something. No one is going to say 'you're ready.' That's the trick of life. But it always starts with wanting. With needing to do something. With losing yourself if you don't. If you say you're gonna be something, and you start moving in that direction... sooner or later you'll look around and realize you are the thing you pretended to be. As my roommate @kennyjamez says, "you can't chase a dream if you don't have a dream." . This is beginning to sound like a basic Monday Mantra post... but it's just how I feel today. Let me spew some excitement and a few cheesy hyperboles. Amen. Ok bye. . 📷: @bn_______ (at Civil Coffee)

I was so afraid of being labeled 'gay' as a kid. I didn't want to be different. I didn't want to be described as 'my gay friend Jed,' but rather 'my friend Jed.' . Being labeled is claustrophobic. It seems to lock you into a grab bag of connotations. And so I hid. I tried to change my voice. Talk less with my hands. Be funnier. Sharp and dangerously witty. . My first goal was to belong. And because I looked like all my friends, all I had to do was change my behavior. . For some gay guys, this is impossible, or too insulting to their sense of self. So they double down on self-expression. They huddle into like minded communities. They parade and celebrate. Because fitting-in was too hard, or too false. . I think about this a lot when I consider the lives of people of color in a white majority. . Where I could disappear behind behavior in a straight majority... they cannot. The skin cannot hide. . Have you ever been dragged to a party where you didn't know anyone. You sit on the couch and feel the thickness in the air of 'Do I belong? Do they wish I didn't come?' It's not that people are out-right mean. Maybe even the host comes to say hi. But you might also get a look from someone across the room that says 'who is that guy?' You feel the eyes. . It's not the devil white oppressor, that is rare and a dangerous fiction that shifts blame... but rather, the cool girl with the big house throwing a party. She would never say 'no black people, no gays.' That would feel mean and set off the alarms of conscience. It's 'do I know you? Do we hang out, have things in common?' . I wonder what a lifetime of feeling 'other' would do? I wonder if I would be angry if I hadn't fit in so well as a kid? If instead of feeling belonging, I felt alien? . I still don't quite understand how to be in this world. I want to be seen as a friend, but not have my gayness erased. I don't know the proper ratio. I want to see and celebrate the blackness of my friends, but also forget that they are different at all. . I have thick skin, and I think we should all have thick skin.. but a tender touch now and then can bring me to tears. #mlk

#mlk

How do I change someone's mind? How do I know if it's my mind that need changing? With the presidential inauguration coming like a storm cloud and protests lining up around the country, it seems more important now than ever to learn how to influence ideas and understand my own. Calling people racist and stupid or elite and out of touch only exacerbates the divide. Studies show that insults breed contempt, and contempt closes off the ability to learn. And we keep doing it, sharing memes and vilifying individuals as if they are less complex than human. . I've been reading a lot about what makes people change. How do you expose prejudice when it's disguised and woven into the benign everyday lives of citizens? How do you show the aggregate harm of a thousand tiny actions? Who's straw broke the camels back when everyone threw theirs in the air? . How do you convince someone of your position if you don't understand theirs? If you assume half of America is against you, you show up with weapons. And 'when you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail.' Even if someone wants to learn, you may smash them with a label or an insult and lose your chance. . I heard someone say that a great way to avoid contempt and 'conversation shutdown' is to take a moment and be the other side's lawyer. Say 'so tell me if I understand you right, you believe that...' and make their case with all sincerity. No snark. No tone. Believe them and be them for a minute. When you do that, you not only gain trust from them but you empathize with them too. . Here's where I'm at: I don't want to demonize. I won't disregard. I won't fall into the trap of believing people are stupid. I won't call the president-elect names. That's what he does. I get it. But it's lazy and it's part of what got us here. . The saying goes 'I won't die on this hill, the battle isn't over.' The hill of dignity, of respect for my fellow humans, of belief in the long slow work of progress... I will die here.

I may think someone has the perfect life. They mustn't need encouragement because they have it all. Or I may think they have it so bad, I don't want to bother them, or offend them by saying the wrong thing. . I assume things and stay quiet. . A friend of mine is a famous writer. He's had big success and won awards and been on TV and everywhere. He told me once: 'when something major happens.. no one texts me to say congratulations. Or to be excited. Besides my team, the people I pay, they tell me. I think my friends assume everyone else is, so they don't. They don't call me to randomly hangout because they think I'm busy. So I sit alone a lot. It sucks to realize your dreams and feel more alone than when you were scraping by with the guys.' . Another friend of mine, his brother went to prison. It was a big deal, on the news and everything. I didn't call him because I thought he'd be so embarrassed. I didn't want to bother or even let on that I knew. I found out a year later that throughout that horrible ordeal, no one called him. He said he'd never felt so alone. In his time of need, no one showed up, because everyone assumed someone else was. . You know that line at the airport: "if you see something, say something." Yeah. . If somebody is killing it, I'm gonna tell them. If they're hurting, I'm gonna offer my warm hand. I am not going to assume anyone else exists but me and them. And do what I'd do. . Almost nothing matters more than a sense of belonging. Winning or losing with a family around you. Both cannot be survived alone. . #ifyouseesomethingsaysomething #becarefulwhatyouassumefromtheoutside

#becarefulwhatyouassumefromtheoutside #ifyouseesomethingsaysomething

I've been dizzy over this. Silent and then words come like a firehose and then confused and sad. I get overwhelmed by how little I understand. How half of our country supported a science denier, a conspiracy theorist, a misogynist. Why? Because he promises jobs for those left behind by progress. Coal. Oil. Bringing factories back. Keeping immigrants out. He promises a conservative Supreme Court. . The 'coastal elites,' who work in the new economy and live in multi-colored communities... cannot fathom how someone like Trump could inspire 50% of America. They cannot even role play and imagine, because they live in a different world. They say 'ditch coal.' They say 'ditch oil.' They say 'factories are dead, get a different job!' They don't understand. . The 20th century brought millions of white-Americans out of agrarian poverty into the middle class: with factories, with coal, with oil. These things gave flesh to the American dream, and 'hard work' changed your family's future. But these companies never belonged to the employees. They belonged to the shareholders, and cheaper labor could be found overseas. The American Dream wasn't serving the bottom line, so millions were left behind. . And as we fetishized innovation and the future, the hard working average American was laughed at. And they organized against the enemies of a life they once knew: globalization, environmental regulation, and immigration. These things have taken away their livelihoods, or at least that's how they feel. And when you can't feed your family, you don't care about recycling, or polar bears, or Syrians. You can't empathize with complex things you can't see. You'll chop down every last tree to feed your kid... unable to see your own doom. Especially when you're scared. And the locomotive of progress laughs as it runs you over. . I think Trump is a nightmare. But I'm starting to understand how we got here. . The dignity of the worker was replaced with the idolatry of the entrepreneur... and millions were stripped of their pride. And so they doubled down on nostalgia and anger. And here we are. . Just thinking out loud, seeking understanding and compassion... . 📷: @lulubeeisme

So.... I have news. I met with several publishers last week, and the one of my dreams said, 'We want you. Join our family.' . Meaning, I was offered a book deal. And I said yes. Meaning it's happening. The real thing. A physical book. My bike trip. My thoughts. My young efforts to put words to my life and life itself... they believe in me. They want to print it. Bind it. Hold it. They want to sell it. They want it to be in bookstores. They want y'all to have it. They said, 'we don't see a book in you. We see a lifetime of books in you.' . I can't say more just yet. But I will in due time. The turn around is too fast to get it out by Christmas, but next year will be the year. . I have to tell you... to be believed in is the most incredible feeling in the world. To risk embarrassment by saying too much, and to hear 'me too.' And even more, 'go on!' . Y'all got me to this spot. My conversations with you have shaped my voice, and given me confidence to speak. Wow. . So yeah. It's happening. I'm a bumbling mess. I'm an idiot with a cocktail in his hand, cheersing everyone so hard I'll go home with glass stuck in my hand. . 📷: @jacquelynpotter . (And those of you that believed in me ages ago for my kickstarter... get ready to see your name in print!)

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Spending time with Ruthie is a poem. A sermon. We have such a good time together. But it isn't just laughing and eating and play. It is a lot of that, but it's also philosophy, spirituality, and processing mystery. She lives with extraordinary chronic pain (if you don't know her story, read through her insta), but she chooses joy over pity. She gave up all her pain meds just to feel alive again. . She has to take breaks a lot. In between zip lining and hiking, she crashes. Sometimes she has to leave the concert to go sit alone in the car and rest. Of course no one knows, she sneaks away. She doesn't lead with her pain. She leads with her smile. . A kind old lady in Vermont said to us 'this year the leaves are extra bright. It's because of the drought. The stress put on the trees brings out their brightest colors. You are very lucky.' . The harder the year, the brighter the leaves. The harder the life, if given the wisdom and luck to process it right, ...the brighter the smile, the deeper the empathy, the broader the kindness. Ruthie can sit with someone in their pain. She sits and holds their hand. She doesn't rush to tell her experience. She doesn't try to explain it all away. She sits with them. I am terrible at this. She teaches me the value of suffering. The cost of the brightness of our leaves. . I love you my dear @ruthielindsey. . 🎧: "lover, where do you live" by highasakite.

I love tradition. Weddings are one of the few traditions in our culture with a structure and a form that we adhere to. And a lot of us point our lives toward it, setting it in our own stories as a pinnacle, a goal, a mile marker of achievement. This can cause a lot of idolatry and grief and impossibility through the distortion of fantasy. I've been to a lot of incredible weddings. Beautiful celebrations of that tradition of commitment. But they can blur together, and feel performed rather than experienced. The feeling of 'ok we're supposed to say this now, and now this.' Vendors gouging budgets. Stuffy clothes choking laughter. Expectations dashed on the hardness of reality. . Well, I just felt something new. I went to the best one yet. Because they morphed it, honed it, changed it to feel fresh and honest. It wasn't in a church or a building, it was in a grove of redwoods. We dressed in costumes. White and gold. I wore tights and spray painted my white jacket gold. Gold face paint everywhere. The decorations were hung by friends. Everyone camped in tents and tipis by the river. The local college marching band led us in a celebratory march through a persimmon grove. The bride and groom read vows that came from the honest surprise that a partner could be found in this life, a comrade. They didn't pretend to perfection. They celebrated the shadow and the light, as commitment to another is an opportunity for growth and a life time of self discovery. We danced til 4am under the unpolluted bright stars of rural Northern California. . The whole thing made me feel as if marriage had just been invented, a brilliant new idea. I didn't feel the sting of comparison, of 'wow I hope I find this one day.' I was too wrapped up in the awe that it exists at all. That something so pure is a gift not to the couple alone, but to the community. . Love is real you guys. And it isn't sold in catalogues and movies. It's built in communities and orchards and working together and standing together. I'm shining this week as if a mirror could hold on to sunshine and reflect it around for days. #lesalz 📷: @todesbrilliant

#lesalz

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