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Kiana Khansmith
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PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
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EXPECTATIONS
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@orewriting-blog
Oh, father, when Thomas takes my hand
It doesn’t matter where the wounds are so long as she covers them
It’s hard to find a church when your hands are this stained,
like blackberries in her teeth, like soil under her nails
A doubter takes God’s hand and forgets what her question was
A doubter takes God’s hand and it looks an awful lot like two girls in love
-thomas in love
There are other voices on her tongue,
A cacophony of the ones God left behind
She washed the oil out of her hair but the shine still catches on her neck
When I asked her to stay, she told me a disciple never belongs to herself
In this haze, though, neither do I
If there is wine in my throat, there is still a fire in my chest
Oh, what a wild and unbroken thing it is
To hold God within you
-o.r.e. | Pentecost
Ahhh I’m so excited you’re back!! Your poetry is awesome
Hi I love you
This prayer I hold in the silence of my heart,
This old hope that will not leave me:
I am relearning how to walk without stumbling
I am catching my breath where it used to snag.
o.r.e. // excerpt: prayers of the forgetful
And I’m replaying it all in my head, every night. Every night. You had a look on your face like you were always staring at a sunrise, always finding beauty in a fresh start. Maybe that’s why when you left you didn’t look back. Maybe that’s why I’m staying up thinking of you when I know you’re not thinking of me. Maybe I care about you more now than I did when I had you. Maybe we were too young, these wounds too fresh, these notions too new to make them into something bigger than ourselves.
o.r.e. //these kind of new experiences don’t always work out, do they?
are you gay or bi or pan or something else?
I'm a lesbian!
Love was a relentless pursuit. Love was a boy who never took no for an answer. Love was the way my friends all found that an admirable trait. It was a boy with a smile that made me feel hungry and sick all at once. It was a boy so sweet I could give him nothing but apology. It was a boy so scary that sorry never cut it. Love was many things. Love was boys with brown eyes and sandy hair. It was boys with crooked teeth and boys with lanky figures and boys who leered and boys who spoke so gently. But it was never her. Love, I was told, could come in any form. Except in the form of a girl. I found more beauty in a lock of her hair than I ever saw in any boy. I could write more poems about the way her eyes crinkle when she smiles than I could about the entirety of mankind. And even still, I was told we were not built to belong to each other. Love was bruises and banging on doors and wondering why it was so hard for me to excuse his crimes. Love was a touch that left me with nothing, with never knowing the right answer. Love was messy and love was awful and love was something I thought I didn't want for myself. And love could never be her.
o.r.e. // it was never her
girls like us were built from a violent purity, taught to breathe in and hold, to wait for a tomorrow that never seemed to be coming i would kiss boys and come home to write poems about a girl i hadn't met yet, clasp her hand in mine like a prayer and hope my mother didn't hear the guilt in the hymns i sang at church we would destroy ourselves to try to find something to regret, try to seek a penance without sin but all we could ever find was a love in our chest that seemed to promise only sorrow.
o.r.e. // and if he's love, then why don't i deserve it?
If it is okay to ask...Where are you from?
I'm from the US!
and you make me feel like i can exist outside of tragedy, outside of sick people and school hallways and parents that only ever knew contradiction, that could find a way to tell us they love us and they were disgusted in the same breath the only thing i could never tire of is your smile, is the way happiness rolls off your tongue like it's been inside us both this whole time
o.r.e. // we will find tomorrow in each other
Do you have published a book with your poems? Cause I deeply admire them and would love to place them in my shelf. Please say you have!
I'm so sorry I don't!!!! that is a goal of mine though so when I do publish I promise I'll let you know!!!! thank u omg!!!!
Did you know your smile makes nature bend her knee? Did you know the freckles crossing the bridge of your nose are actually whole galaxies? Did you know that night, when the moon was missing and your eyes were so bright, did you know that the reason there were so many stars is because they had come out to shield you from the uncertainty of our beginnings? Did you know I love you?
o.r.e. | she’s awe-inspiring, I swear
wow, idek how to convey how much i like ur writing, just, its rly good, keep doing it
oh my goodness thank you so much! this means everything to me!
she would only kiss me under the black safety of a new moon, only love me beyond city limits. we learned to find each other in nuance, in the thousand ways she could say she loved me without the words ever breaking her lips. someone should have told us. girls like us need a warning sign. you can’t be young and foolish when your love is synonymous with rebellion. you can’t kiss her in the streets unless you want to be living on them.
o.r.e. | girl meets girl
okay folks I'm back earlier than anticipated w/ some Hot New Poems! get ready!
she smiles like she doesn’t believe in tomorrow and I think maybe I feel the same because the hatred seeping through my mother’s pores tells me that girls like us don’t have a tomorrow that’s even worth believing in our tomorrow lies in coffins and slamming doors and churches that make us feel like love could never belong to us I kiss her hard but it never takes away the knot in my stomach that has been there since I found a fragment of safety in a girl’s arms, since I realized my love does not fit into the sermon at church or my mother’s daydreams but my love does fit perfectly in the palm of her hand, in the soft kisses she leaves resting on my shoulder and maybe we don’t believe in tomorrow maybe we’ll never get out of here and maybe we won’t even last the night, but we can believe in today
o.r.e. // we can hope
light filters in through tree leaves and we lay in a hammock that isn't really big enough for the two of us. the only sound is birds chirping and we laugh when your hair gets accidentally caught in my mouth (you end up trying to tie it back but I insist I don't care. your hair smells like strawberries anyways). we talk about happy things like movies and space and books we like. later in the day, we walk to town together holding hands and end up buying plants for our garden. we have two dogs and a greenhouse and a cat that isn't really ours but hangs out around our house ever since you fed her a few months ago.