Does anyone even read these things anymore?
Where else do I express thoughts that no one wants to hear out loud?
I talk to myself a lot.
In a good way.
It gets me through the day.
What I've come to realize is literally everyone is "going through it"... what is it. The motions of life. The everyday. I'm not alone when I stop and think about how we got here.
I'm not struggling outwardly but inwardly. Never would I diagnose myself as someone who is depressed. I'm actually quite happy.
But I have an addiction.
Not to drugs or alcohol. But to food. Sugars to be exact.
In my self analysis I know this stems from being a child and feeling so restricted to what kind of foods I could and could not eat. My mom would scold me if I ate too much of this, or not enough that, blah blah blah. It caused me to want to hide. Not myself, but food. I would hide snacks in my room and eat them when she wasn't around. It was such a rebellious feeling. I loved knowing and feeling like I was finally in control. Even just for a moment.
Fast forward to me in my adult life.
HELL YEAH.
Literally no one can tell me what to do, baby. I'm independent. I buy my own groceries. I can eat a whole sleeve or oreos in one sitting and no one can tell me NO. STOP. THAT'S ENOUGH.
Wrong.
These habits have been nearly impossible to kick. In the last year I've lost nearly 120 pounds with the help of a health diet, paired hand in hand with weight loss surgery. It needed to happen. I was approaching 350 pounds. WTF?
I finally got a handle on it. I felt like I wasn't dependent on food anymore because I didn't crave sugar, or feeling like a rebel. I just wanted to feel good and do good. And I was. I AM.
It's just, old habits never die unless you mentally get a handle on it. I thought I did for months on end. Now put Halloween candy in front of my face. Or some christmas cookies. How can I say no? Food freedom! Moderation! Everything in moderation!
NO.
It doesn't work like that for me. There's no stopping me. No moderation to be seen here, unless I was mentally stronger.
As an adult I haven't dove too deep with talking to someone about my mom and past food habits. But now that the weight loss is slowing down, it's almost that "ok I'm done!" feeling that I have succeeded and don't need to do anything else. WRONG!
Health is lifelong journey. I can promise that I will never be 350 pounds again. Fuck that. I feel better than I ever have in my life. I'll be 30 in February.
But one thing I will say is a health journey is almost more mental than it is physical. I can workout everyday of the week. But if I'm still indulging in cookies, cakes, etc... how is that helping me? It's not.
It's hard. And people don't see that. They see someone who is morbidly overweight and think what have they done to themselves, how could they. I can say first hand that sometimes it is out of your control. If you're mentally dependent on something, how can you just kick it like it's no problem? It takes work.
IT'S HARD!
These are my musings that I'm thinking of this Sunday afternoon.
I no longer want to be a rebel. Why can't I just view sweets/overeating as something that is there... but I don't have to participate in.
It's not okay.
But I'm okay. Better than ever.
Stronger physically and mentally.
So I just gotta keep going.
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