Story of somebody's life

[orientvirginia-blog]

And again I’m here. I just realized that my ability to write or speak fluently in English is gradually fading away and I’m forgetting a bunch of useful words. They are just disappearing from my head. 

Now I’m really aimed to return my previous skills. I used to have a challenge: I had to write every day, without any exuses in English during 100 days. It was incredibly hard, especially in the begining. Even despite I was communicating almost every day with a lot of people back then and had a lot of practice. Now of course it’s gone. After some situations in my life I started even to hate English. Every word, every structure reminded me some events I didn’t wanna remember. Language became a reminder of what kind of person I don’t wanna be. Nevertheless I could overcome myself and started to listen in English calmly in time. But barrier in speaking and writing has left.

Still English is everything in our world, it’s a beatiful language which I used to love with all my heart. So now I’ll just try to create new good memories above old ones.

To be clear (at first to myself), I’m not going to recomplete challenge #100daysofEnglish, I just wanna write in it at least 1 month every day. After that I’ll decide what to do next.

[orientvirginia-blog]

19:47

Just some bondless set of thoughts. From time to time I find myself with the thought in my mind that I really miss English. I spent with it so much time during this summer, speaking in it every damn minute with no ability to express my thoughts in my beloved native language. During those saturated “English weeks” a lot of time I felt myself quite tired and didn’t even want to speak in English one more second. It’s always hard to limit yourself in that particular way especially when with this language you must fight with yourself and overcome your desire to rest every time. Because you just don’t have any other choice, you need to communicate in some way. Even not about something high and spiritual but about daily stuff and duties. So right now it’s fairly strange and unexpectable to find myself with this missing feeling inside. And the most desirable way to do it is to keep a diary. I love to do the same in Russian, when you can leave all your emotions and feelings to float away. This sound of printing keys, raining outside, all day at home and finally received rest and peace bring you as much satisfaction and harmony as they only can. Right now I don’t even bother with probable mistakes or uncorrect using prepositions (they always were my biggest problem) or grammar or something else. I just feel a need to write something and in some reason don’t want to do it Russian. And want to write just for myself. I’m so tired of conversations with people I don’t want to communicate with, so tired of sharing “great ideas and inspiration”. And I don’t know why I can’t just finish this disturbing relation, can’t just say that I feel so much trouble every time I see a message from this person. Probably, I just need to accumulate all my strength and just do it. For it can’t last any longer. My biggest problem in writing is unability to keep to some system. I’m always used to jump from one theme to another, just be leaded by my thoughts which can never stay calm and ordered. Maybe it’s all because of my practice at school, my endless summer adventures and staying busy all the time but right now I feel so much fatigue inside. It seems that every part of me is hurting and screaming because of inner weakness. Just don’t have energy to do things, to keep on track. Just want to lie down and doing absolutely nothing. I didn’t even attended my university almost all this week. Because I just didn’t want to. And I never was like this, it doesn’t look like real/old me. However, I don’t even care about it. Merely let things to go on theirs own way without my interference.

[orientvirginia-blog]

20:58

My today’s morning had started fairly well. I went to bed yesterday pretty early because I was a little bit tired of this concert and long day away from home. So this morning I spent sprightly and alone at the whole flat. I love my parents a lot still spending time at the empty place is very peaceful sometimes. Today I was supposed to write this olympiad about which I was talking so much lately. The first part has gone fine and questions wasn’t so difficult, however, the second one had to be named “another way of humiliation”. I always knew that a theory of literature isn’t my strongest suit, yet today I was assured in that one more time. Nevetheless, I’m particularly glad that everything has finally ended and I hope there won’t be another level of it in which I should participate again. Now the only handicap standing on my path is a conference in the middle of April. I should prepare a paper by my theme untill it. So I deeply hope that I won’t put off writing till the last night. After that I will be totally free (exept exams at the end of the semester, still it doesn’t count, it will be fine). My tumblr is turning into my diary...Never mind. It’s a big joy for me that I’ve compeled myself to write at least something at all. Because recently I have thoughts about leaving this challenge all the time. Last days I’ve been reading almost every free second of my day. I missed this “reading condition” because mostly I don’t have any time for a such pleasant leisure - I always have some tasks. Some commitments which I promised myself to complete and which I’ve thrown on my shoulders as an unliftable burden. Before I really had an avalanche of motivation and forces in order to do all of them. However, right now I can’t feel anything exept weakness and desire to read and read and read. Nobody can’t pull the luggage of tasks all along without breaks for doing nothing. I just really count that this stop won’t be continuing for very long time. 55/100

[orientvirginia-blog]

16:53

24.03.2016 (I’m going to stop to write like this but not today) Some people, mostly our professors, assert that all perfomances, all concerts conducted by our studets for others are total waste of time. They suppose that time spending for a billion rehearsals, learning words and movements by heart can be used much better. Some of them demonstratively complain and lower their grades, some of them, of course, relate more respectfully and calm. However, first ones just can’t understand and percieve all energy and happiness of these endless hours before the concert, volant minutes on the stage and the whole taste of the moment of victory. When you’re standing near the stage, with palpitating heart waiting for results for your heavy work and here comes the sweetest moment. Announcer proclaims that you have won and presents a reward. You run to the stage with the stream of other persons of your team accompanied by loud screams and applauses of spectators. You’re hugging everybody on the stage and feel so much delight from victoty and relief from ending these hard weeks. It’s just a moment, just a little part of all participation, still it’s worth every late arriving home, every bruise on your body, every exhausting day. Today we have a concert devoted to the middle of our studying at the university named “Equator”. I didn’t participate because I didn’t have time (also I was still exhausted from nerves and yells of organizers at New Year’s concert). Nevertheless, I still felt friends’ happiness with every molecule of my heart. By the way, it was a victory of all our faculty. So despite I haven’t participate their, it was my little holiday too. This day has gone enormously enchanting. 54/100

[orientvirginia-blog]

11:02

Sometimes you’re starting to lose your dream. No, lose is a wrong word. Sometimes you’re starting to forget. You’re forgetting everything for what you’d been working so hard, everything for what you’d changed your way of life. For what all your old traits, habits and thoughts had lost in a hot stream of new ones. It was a beginning of October, firsts days of it, when I suddenly aroused from a lingering illness named “my heart is broken by failed love”. It had already been continuing for a long time (approximately a year) still I had thoughts, suddenly had flewn in my head, about how it could have been, if... I can’t say that I was tired of vain reminiscing or this condition hurt me so much, no. Nevertheless, it was like a snap in my soul - the dream, for years sleeping in my heart, ignited with a lot of flame and sparks. I used to dream about it since 15 years old, I used to imagine all details of it, I even had plan by reaching my happy life. Still some circumstances compeled me to change my reverie to another way of existence. I can’t say that it was so sorrowful and awful path, I was deeply satisfied by that life too. However, when this “another way of existence” had fallen apart, I remained beside a broken trough with a thousands splinters of my past habitual life. But then the beginning of October has come into my life and presented me the biggest dream napping deeply inside of me. This one day, when all my apathy and unwillingness to do something have gone away, has changed everything in my life. When you have a dream, much easier to follow the right path, to keep the light of happiness before your eyes. You always know a reason of your permanent and hard work. When obstacles become too difficult and indestructible, when all energy and motivation slip away, you can always look at your dream, to fantasy all delightful moments ahead. Then all clogs will become nothing, you will be able to resist all troubles and you’ll gain a taste of life again. 53/100

[orientvirginia-blog]

20:27

I suppose, I’m starting to return to my casual life here. I’ve completed a majority  of my tasks, figured out with my lections, workshops and other deals. Some scared and hororful tasks have wonderfully disappeared and I feel a little bit free right now. The more you get used to your normal pace of being the less you have themes to talk about. You life is losing a fireworks of emotions. However, I can’t say that it’s particularly dreadful. Sometimes you have more emotional and saturated days, sometimes less - and that’s fine. Lately I’ve been reminiscing past-me, me which I was in autumn. I adored her permanent motivation and enthusiasm for doing every little task she had. She didn’t waste her time for doing nothing and hadn’t just been watching some women’s serias (as I’m doing now), she spent every minute with use. I know that it’s just in my forces to change the way things go, that I can just get a grip on myself and compel to come back to previous me. My friend could name this apathy just a sping avitaminosis and maybe she would be right. Maybe I just need to overcome this cold and dull streets outside and wait for real spring after the window and in my heart. Or this laziness came because of my vivid trip and I just need some rest. Who knows? My mood is changing very quickly. I noticed that trait a lot of years before. Thoughts and inner feelings manage my emotional condition. In one minute I could laugh, smile and feel happiness with every part of my body and then suddenly my mood will become lower than the hell. What’s wrong with me? Or does this attitude prone for every person on Earth? Does anybody have a power to feel himself the happiest person ever during all his day, week, month? If somebody can do it, please, make me the acquaintance of him. I definitely have to learn something from this type of person. Maybe, someday I’ll be able to give such advices to other people which also have a mood jumping up and down all the time. Meanwhile, let come in a melancholy and offer it some tea and warm cover.

52/100

[orientvirginia-blog]

12:01

Yesterday I failed. Generally I can name last two days as the full of fails. The day before yesterday I wrote a perfect note and was really satisfied that I’d done it in the morning while I was waiting a start of this olympiad. However, I lost this paper and had to write everything from the very begining. Then was friend’s birthday and there were so much hurry and instant actions that everything was going crasy. Fortunately, birthday had gone well, atmosphere was pretty and friend was happy. When it had ended, we started to set out home and we were there pretty early. I was tired and wanted to enjoy at my bed with warm plaid and cup of a hot chocolate. In addition, my dad brought me a wonderful book which I’d wanted to read for a long time. I snuggled for the cosy evening. It was particularly perfect because I hadn’t had so quiet and lonely evenings for a countless days. Yes, I had a lot of work to do, I should have corrected my study, prepared to my workshops and so forth. Still I decided to devote those hours for myself. Yesterday I was still reading “Eat, pray, love” and doing the same things. This book has inspired a lot and I decided to come back to my meditations. I hadn’t been doing it since...my 15 years old, I guess. My condition was perfectly peaceful, my mind was calm and relaxed and all feelings had gone. Yes, it would have been perfect, if only I hadn’t gone to sleep right after that and if I hadn’t totally forgotten about my writing. I don’t know how because I was definitely going to outline something. So I felt myself a little bit looser. But I decided to keep it up and don’t give up just because one little fail. I can fix it without any superhuman efforts. I’ll just skip this day and add one when everything will be going to the end. So I’ll waste 101 days for this challenge. That’s all. I don’t think that it’s such a big problem, yeah? 51/100

[orientvirginia-blog]

11:05

19.03.2016 When I look at this number below my writing, I feel myself really joyfull and satisfied. I couldn’t have believed that I’ll be able to pass through a half of my path of my challenge. This day is going to be excessively perfect. My friend has a birthday today and we (me and other friends) have been preparing to it properly since yesterday. We should do a couple of quests, some tasks, questions before our evening meeting. Also, my other friend asked to help him with another olympiad by Russian and literature for pupils. So I’d woken up pretty early and had started to get ready for this long and full of emotions day, when I suddenly glanced at the window. There was real winter outside with its enchanting and ceaseless snowfall showing quaint dance to everyone who dared to wake up earlier on Saturday. I’m a person who adore spring wholeheartedly and if I’d had a power, I would have never changed it to another season of the year. Still this picture of morning miracle outside impressed me a lot. There was a feeling woke up in my soul that If I just opened my door, all New year’s atmosphere would cover me with its surge of warm, cosiness, smell of oranges and presents. I felt myself truly happy then. New Year is the biggest reason for me to love cold weather and penetrating wind of the winter. This snowfall was like a little fairytale destined just for me. Neverthess, this snowfall was wonderful from the inside and I should have got to the university on my own. So my father’d offered me a help and gave me a lift to my assigned place by car. And then another fairytale happened to me. Because my father should have ridden out much earlier to his work than me to the olympiad, I was already at the university, when others just woke up. I went into my beloved walls (guards let me in without any problems), wander around my silent and sleepy faculty, looked into my favourite class and decided to place there. So now I’m writing right here and enjoy whole atmosphere of this magical morning and dreaming about not less magical end of the day. 50/100

[orientvirginia-blog]

9:51

18.03.2016 To be honest, I’d been addicted to this sort of writing in the Vinnytsia. It’s attractively comfortable way to write something here and then edit it when you’ll have time. However, I’m not really sure whether I can admit this weird writing as completing my challenge. Because I’m supposed to compose it daily right at the tumblr. Never mind, I justify myself because today I’ve written my study for this olympiad and have even sent it to my professor. He sent it to me back with his amendments. I knew that it isn’t perfect at all but still in the depth of my heart I hoped that there won’t be so much red type with meaning “to change it”. These corrections, for some reason, made me a little bit sad and desire doing something else flew away. I’d seen them and realised how much work should be done  as yet. And I lost my enthusiasm. I’ve edited some insignificant details and there are much more relevant which are freaking me out. I don’t kow how I will do it. I just hope that my professor won’t be too mad on me for my stupidity and impossibility to write something more impressive. I must confess that I’ve almost forgotten about this writting task and was already going to sleep. Thanks universe, I’ve remembered it. Because just one thought about wasting 48 days for nothing is scaring me as the most painful death. (Not so much, really). 49/100

[orientvirginia-blog]

16:58

The first working week after the trip has finally ended. Now I have some time to rest and recover from a volcano of emotions and expressions gained during my travelling. Returning home after this kind of events is always hard to me. I made a similar trip in the middle of November and also felt myself a little bit sorrowful and hollow. Although the previous time was so much worse than that one. I remember how all my affectionate to my beloved home town was dissolved into colorless walls of the town, into bored faces of the people. There was an autumn and all this dismal, dull atmosphere and weather made my sadness even worse. At the previous trip I met one person separation with whom disappointed me a lot. While I was lying in the train, the only desire that I had was to stay there for good. However, the only possible option I had then is to listen melancholic music on my high shelf turned to the window. I always was the person fell in love with my city. I walk around the streets, admire all buildings, views and feel myself so full of delight and happiness that it’s hard to convey with powerless words. So when I’d come back home then I was really confused because of my sudden nearly abhorrence of my town. I really considered that I won’t never be able to tramp the streets and smile to every single detail of it again. Neverthess, fortunately, time had passed and my love came back to me. At that moment life sparkled with all her rainbow colors and brought me to feel better. Right now I don’t feel myself so awfull, I’m just worrying about all tasks that I have. But these “problems” can be easily solved. 48/100

[orientvirginia-blog]

23:02

Today! Finally! I can write my daily writing right here, no papers, no pens, just computer and my thoughts that appear here in one second. By the way, I adore to write by using paper and pen. But they used to mean to me just crasy uncompleted tasks and seemed like an endless stream of the work, work, work. Right now I’ve drawn one more square at the notebook and finally can feel myself less charged. The last few notes were looked as my diary, just with descibed events and thoughts, and I liked this type of writing a lot. Mostly because it was so easy to make, I didn’t exert so much, because lines were floating on their own without any efforts. Much more difficult to write something more poetic, something with “deep” reasonings. I can’t say that I used to compose so philosophical texts before my trip. Still I consider they looked much prettier and more enthralling. Nevertheless, with this new of olympiad and study, caving to my head with thousand flinders, I think that I won’t be able to continue in this order for a while. While my study haven’t finished and defended, I’ll be just descibing the days and various events. I’m looking at all stuff that I’ve written and understand that I’ve already been tired and don’t have any add words to say. I see the size of my today’s writing product and realize how it’s trifiling and small. I don’t think that there is a point to start right now writing my term-paper for olympiad because it’s already too late. And if i’ll start and get enthusiastic, it would be hard and sad to stop. Although I have to wake up early tomorrow. So that’s all I have to say, really, sorry, there are nothing more thoughts and ideas in my head. 47/100

[orientvirginia-blog]

22:29

15.03.2016 Despite my studying part of the day was shorter that others’ I couldn’t complete all my necessary tasks for today. I haven’t still come round after my lazy and relax days in the trip and I can’t compel myself to return into studying routine so quickly. I left 2 last workshops at the university, got home fairly early, made a manicure and decided to proceed to the work on my notes. I’ve been editing my adventure’s stories since 4 or 5 o’clock and have completed just 7 of 11 posts. Right now, while I”m writing this, another note appeares in my plan. With this sudden application about prompt completing my term-paper I’ve been totally knocked down from my schedule. I used to think that I’ll be able to do what I need, however, right now everything is ruining before my eyes. On the one hand, I don’t want to let down my professor and skip performance with my study. On the other hand, I’m going crasy. When I’d posted quite a lot amount of notes, I decided to digress for a while and was looking for recipes of different cocktails and liqueures for my oncoming birthday. This task also was at my notebook, nevertheless, it wasn’t so prompt and urgent. So I feel myself a little bit guilty for wasting so much time for this. Yet, the bright side is that I’ve figured out with all alcohol menu for my party. Minus one task of the list! Still have another billion of them. KMP -.- 46/100

[orientvirginia-blog]

22:12

14.03.2016 I know that I can’t affirm that I keep my word as I promised before. I was supposed to edit all my notes and published them on the tumblr exactly at the moment when I’d arrived home. However, I truly had no time in order to complete it. I used to think that everything will be calm and I’ll be able to close all my debts on studying at the university, that I’ll be preparing all my workshops and won’t lose any possibility to work. Still my plans have been totally changed. At first my professor told me that I have to finish my term-paper till the middle of April. Thus, I planned my trip according to this information. If everything had been exactly as I used to think, I would have definitely achieved all my aims and continue my writing tasks in a previous mode. Still one olympiad which I used to assume will be just like a test with detailed answers have shocked me and disrupted my plans. There are two parts in this olympiad. The second part is defending your own study. So I should represent my theme of the term-paper there and have to finish it in a month earlier that I considered. Thus, all my spare time I devote to this kind of writing. Of course, I’m able to refuse a participation. Yet I prefer to percieve this sudden inhibit as another way to become better and prove my own value. I reckon and deeply hope that I’ll have written all I need till following weekends, Then, maybe on Sunday, I’ll load in the internet every missed day. 45/100

[orientvirginia-blog]

19:04

13.03.2016 This morning I’ve finally got home. I’m sitting in front of my computer and can’t grasp that everything has already ended. This trip was so nonpresumable and spontaneous that I feel right now that I haven’t even left my home. There is a feeling in my soul that I was sitting like that all weekends and all passed events were dreamed to me. In a couple of following days I should look over all cheques of my whole travelling, rewrite and recheck all my notes and add them to the tumbler. I have to write one study on olympiad of Rusian and literature till the 25th of March. It’s scared me a little because there are not enough time and I’ve had just raw thoughts and ideas in my head relatively this theme. I have to come back to the reality, to the routine. I need to continue my languages’ and university’s studying and so, so forth. When I was riding by train, I promised myself that I can rethink and dream about all ambiguous and lovely words and actions of our desired meeting just while I’ll be going home. I allowed myself to lament for a while about ending of this trip. I said to myself that I should stop all these vain and useless mind actions exactly when I’ll have come back into my flat. Because it couldn’t bring me anything exept bad and whining mood. I don’t regret that I’ve done it, that everything has passed as it did. I can’t say that I’ve figured out with something huge in my heart. I can’t say that all my feelings and obscure thoughts have gone for good. Maybe, this meeting with that person has even more knotted all our vague “relationships”. However, the most important thing that we’ve generally met and it has been made, at least, me very happy, Who even cares that it was a little bit embarrassing and I was so nervous that sometimes couln’t bind two words together, that my hands were being trumbled at first? I felt that we both missed each other and this meeting presented us a pleasure. I don’t know how everything will become in the future and, also, I don’t want to plan anything. As I repeated lately all the time - let it be. 44/100

[orientvirginia-blog]

10:37

12.03.2016 Yesterday’s evening had gone monstrously sad. I don’t want to complain on anything because my arriving was so unexpected and sudden that I can’t require to waste friends’ time for me. I can’t wait they will please all my instant and insane wishes. However, meeting I was talking about all past time hadn’t been realized. My friend was very ill, weak and didn’t feel herself able to visit anybody. Unfortunatelly, and it’s the most disappointed thing, my friend had started to sense much more better, was ready to have a lot of fun and go anywhere exactly when I washed my hair (yes, I know, it sounds very stupid). We could have visited this friend even then, nevertheless, it was already a little bit late and I should have spent a lot of time to dry my hair. Thus, I lamented to my “brother”, he supported me so much, appeased, adjusted me to positive mind and returned the glow of the hope into my eyes. So, I went to the bed less dismal as I’d been before our talking. He always help me and I don’t really know which person I could have become without his reasonable and wise advices. After that I fall asleep quite early, at 22:00, because the only action which could help me is falling into a non-existence. I don’t really sure how it will be with this meeting because, it seems, all events and plans are interfering and impeding it. Still, thanks God, our plans are fairly stable at this period of time. While I’m going to meet this person after lection and my friend, at first, is going to physical education and then to the doctor again. I haven’t still known how I should behave and how much awkwardness will be between both of us. Nevertheless, let it be. 43/100

[orientvirginia-blog]

10:09

11.03.2016 Today I’ve finally got to another town, to another friend. Adventures and travellings are amazing and present you a unliftable luggage of colorful emotions and memories. Still it’s made you tired. All these nerves and anxieties exhaust you. The more time you travell and be away from home, the more you start to appreciate your state position, your own comfortable and cosy bed, your family and possibility to organize your time and schedule on your own. Right now I’m sitting at my friend’s university, she’s preparing to her workshop sitting next to me. I feel myself a little bit awkward and superfluous. All students are bothering, discussing everything. I used to conducting like this at my university too. However, right now there aren’t my task and problems, it’s not my life. Finally, I can behave as the laziest student and do totally nothing, At first for a long time I don’t look like a nerd. My friend has a lot of tasks to do: she has to visit a doctor, lections, workshops. And all the time I should come along her. I haven’t met one person which I bothered about. And I don’t really sure that I will. I rely on the destiny and circumstances and give them all power to decide how events will pass. Thus, it’s done. We’ll see how everything will be going later. 42/100

[orientvirginia-blog]

23:35

10.03.2016 I’m in the train riding to my next little adventure. I used to sleeping all the time while I’m in the road without possibility to charge phone and use all advantages of civilized word. However, right now, I suppose, I’m full of sleep for very long time and won’t be able to squeeze it out no more. Maybe. there is a fault of my unexplained dismal thoughts and feelings. I’d been dreaming when suddenly my eyes were been opened from anxious thrust from the inside. I’ve been starting to worry about everything and nothing at the same time. I couldn’t assume what exactly was wrong and it stole from me more serenity. Maybe, I’m just worrying about this approaching meeting with one person. Because I really can’t even imagine how it will look. Also, I don’t know why, I feel myself uncomfortable from staying again at the house of my friend and her parents. I “panic” that I’ll bring them a thousand annoyances. Because of that I sense awkward. Since 23:00 I haven’t descended from my shelf and haven’t gone anywhere. Right now it’s 13:27. Nevertheless, I enjoy travelling like this. I’m totally alone in my whole compartment and, I reckon, there aren’t so much people at all at the entire carriage. It’s much more pleasantly than in my last journey. My hand has been tired from writing in a lying attitude, so I’m going to end my attempts to compose the wonderful novel. 41/100