love yourself so no one has to.

he was the kind of boy that made his mark, carving every wrinkle of his face into your memory before leaving. he would shower you in i love you's and tell you how you mean the world to him one second and then he would leave you standing alone on the empty beach, staring at his footsteps in the sand until the waves wash his footsteps away, leaving you empty. he is the only thing you'll think about for years to come, your mind playing cruel games on you as you're looking for him in the crowd.

[rimbuad-deactivated20180517]

Musée du Louvre | ig: daisy.idek

[orivns-blog]

「 ∘*∵ VERENA.

          dark eyes flutter shut when he brushes his fingertips across her neck, electricity blooming like roses below where his digits touch her jaw. verena wants more than that, every sensation just feeding the fire, the hunger created by the substances clouding her veins seemingly insatiable. and then he pulls away, fast enough to move her, her round eyes snapping open like an animal roused from relaxation. she blinks, head tilting as she gazes at him, studying his expression with little care at the fact that she was staring, something she was usually so conscious of sober.  “ sad, sad boy, ” verena croons, the softness of her voice only possible in such an altered state. her head feels fuzzy, her body feels warm, but there is absence there because he wasn’t touching her anymore. she didn’t like that feeling. “ who taught you how to play pretend ? ” verena searches his expression like she might find the answer there if she looks hard enough, fingers reaching out to brush his hair back before her arm drops back to her side.  “ you don’t have to, you know. ” her words muddle together, slow and dreamy, like she’s wandered into unconsciousness without even realizing. “ you don’t have to pretend. ”

                               he blinks rapidly,   her words seeping into his skin like poison,   burning him alive   &   he’s flinching away from touch as if he’s scared her fingertips are charged with electricity.   lips press into a tight line   &   no matter his altered state,   he takes offence in what she’s suggestion,   no matter how he recognises intoxication on more than alcohol from the way her pupils are twice the size of normal,   he stares at her as she’s cursed at everything sacred to him.   &   perhaps it’s because she’s right,   because she’s touched on a sensitive subject,   something he’s not yet ready to admit to himself or maybe he just finds her boldness in criticising his character so very unbearable that he’s tired of her company.   ‘   you don’t know me.   ’   his words are quiet,   serious,   barely audible over the strong bass of the music playing in the background.   ‘   don’t ever,   even for a second,   think that you have me figured out just because i share a small piece of information about myself.   you don’t know me   &   you never will.   ’

[orivns-blog]

「 ∘*∵ ADONIS.

they were two different sides, two different extremes, with adonis harboring more hate for himself then he could sometimes handle, and orion being a complete 180. maybe that was where their attraction lied, in how DIVERGENT they truly were. adonis’s eyes examine the other’s face, as if he was trying to dissect him piece by piece with his mind. “ i just don’t think i could ever… not want love. ” adonis releases an almost saddened sigh. “ it’s addictive. having someone care for you like that. knowing you’re the only one they could ever WANT like that. i want people to want me. ” words flow from his mouth faster than he can catch them, loosened by the alcohol digested earlier in the night. “ person. i guess. ” hands raise to swipe over his face. “ i need love. it’s all i have. it’s all i can give. if i don’t have that then i feel empty. ” fingers gently wrap around orion’s wrist, feeling his pulse with the careful touch. “ so if i can make people want me even for a night, i guess that’s good enough for now. until i figure it out. ” digits press into the male’s skin, just enough to leave a moment of discoloration. “ do you want me ? ”

                                he can understand being wanted,   orion thinks,   the gratification of being admired gets him just as high as anyone else.   the only difference between the two of them is that orion has never had to experience being unwanted.   &   perhaps it’s just his pride,   his narcissism that makes him delusional but he cannot think of a single occasion in his life when he was denied.   it gets to head,   making him think he is irresistible,   impossible to ignore   &   although orion is more than aware that he provokes hate just as easily as admiration,   he relishes attention of any kind if it means the main focus is on him.   dark brow raises at the subtle mention of a certain dark haired femme that takes up both of their thoughts so much,   yet in completely different ways.   breath hitches   &   he’s nodding before his brain fully has time to process the words,   body leaning closer,   lips brushing to the other’s.   ‘   i want you.   ’   he has no idea just how much.

[orivns-blog]

                              eyes flutter open slowly,   his brain is taking long seconds to process that the ceiling he’s gaze settles on is not of his own bedroom,   the intense pain of a headache caused by the hangover he has settles onto him like a terrible weight.   there is a throaty groan slipping through his brims as he tries to sit up,   immediately falling back to the plush of pillows,   eyes shut close in distress.   he feels like hell : his limbs heavy,   head about to explode   &   he has this disgusting sensation that is turning his insides around,   urging him to find the nearest bathroom.   orion turns his head to the side,   peeking from under his lashes,   fingers finding the body lying next to him,   feebly patting her back.   ‘   celia.   water.   ’   he whines,   voice hearse   &   weak,   throat dry from all the alcohol he’s consumed so eagerly the night before.   he feels like a child.   ‘   celia,   i’m dying.   ’   @cvlias

[orwell]

“The Locked Room”, S1.E3, True Detective

[fy-jaehyun]

[orivns-blog]

「 ∘*∵ VERENA.

            she feels she must be dreaming, her heightened state nothing but unfiltered ecstasy, a sensation as foreign as it was intoxicating. he catches her off guard when he reaches for her hands after she had drawn them away, her skin crawling with electricity as he extends the touch. verena can feel the way her breath catches at the back of her throat, the sight of the other so close and sandwiched between her palms startling in ways she was in no position to decipher. “ sometimes, ” she breathes, her thumb brushing the softness of his cheek like she couldn’t help it. “ sometimes you act like him. ” verena pulls her wrists from his grasp gently, taking both of his hands in hers. she guides one towards his chest, pressing his palm flat against the place his heart was beating, guiding his other hand towards her own chest.  “ keep your eyes closed. —can you feel that ? ” she asks, and she can hear her heartbeat echoing inside her head, her gaze fixated on him still.  “ the devil doesn’t have a heart. but you do. ”    

                           perhaps she’s right,   perhaps his sins are slowly leaking into every part of him,   painting him black,   rotting him from the inside.   &   maybe he is not the devil yet,   but he is surely on the way of becoming it.   it doesn’t scare him,   rather fills him with a dangerous indifference :  if the role he is destined to play is of a villain’s,   he will be the best goddamn villain they’ve ever seen.   he blinks back at her silently,   dark brows furrow in confusion as she takes his hand,   fingers digging into the soft material of his shirt,   the beating of his own heart much more prominent than he’s expected it to be   &   he wishes he was sober enough to be able to deny that it’s caused by her closeness.   orion stills for a moment,   gaze locked on hers,   ringed digits travelling from his chest to gently brush to the curve of her neck,   fingertips tapping onto the hard of her jaw.   he wants to kiss her,   he realises   &   it shocks his body like electricity,   almost painful,   tearing himself away from her rapidly.   ‘   maybe.   or maybe i’m just very good at playing human.   ’

[orivns-blog]

「 ∘*∵ ADONIS.

somewhere in the sober part of adonis’s mind, his common sense is protesting every move orion makes. telling him to QUIT while he’s ahead, but the feeling of his lips descending on adonis’s once more drown out any further complaints. input would be noted but not remembered, body flushing at the feeling orion’s palms leave behind. his touch scorches adonis’s skin, leaves flames licking every inch and he wants ( NEEDS ) them to be put out. “ i don’t think i’ve ever loved myself. ” adonis professes into the open air, eyes exhausted with his own truth closing. “ not really. ” a sorrowful grin stretches onto his lips. “ it’s hard to when all i think about is how much the world hates me. everything i do, it comes back to haunt me somehow. maybe i pity myself too much. ”    

                           dark brows furrow,   lips pressed into a tight line   &   he can’t help but shake his head a little.   he understands the words leaving adonis’ lips but their meaning is foreign,   unimaginable to him.   him,   who was born to adore his own person more than anything else.   him,   who was taught he is the brightest star in the universe,   he is the sun   &   every breath he takes is precious.   self-deprecation is not something he can familiarise himself with   &   he doesn’t think he ever will : it makes adonis taste distant under his tongue,   broken,   sorry.   it makes him sad for him.   a quiet hum falls past his brims.   gaze resting on the other’s exposed skin,   following the way his fingers draw circles onto it,   distracted.   ‘   you don’t look for love from the world if you make it yours.   see,   i’ve always been told the universe is my playground   &   i can have whatever i want,   whenever i want because of who i am.   love for others,   love from others is nothing more than entertainment,   something to make it exciting.   the second your realise you matter to no one more than to yourself,   you will be unstoppable.   ’

[orivns-blog]

「 ∘*∵ CELIA.

               maybe she did this to herself , allowing for the substances coursing through veins to devour her , guide her in every direction which she should have avoided given a sober mind . yet , no matter the circumstance , he always seems to derive a feeling of longing which she is incapable of feeling with any other person . especially now , skin comparable to an open - flame with every graze & brush ; it’s heated .  –  she’s smiling into the kiss for a moment , before lips part & hands snake their way around his torso ; one landing on the small of his back , the other just above .   ’   i love you ,   ’   is breathed against his lips , inaudible & chaste . it’s unconscious , a statement which a drug ridden tongue was incapable of stopping . she desires for everything she can’t have .   ’   what’s stopping you ?   ‘   the question lingers with a sense of challenge , tone still honeyed enough to mask its edge . it’s tantalizing , how she’s unable to control just how much she needs him in that very moment , how much she yearns for any act of affection he has to offer . yet an over - inflated sense of confidence takes place of any insecurity she may have felt prior , & she uses it to her advantage , plays against his own statement . palm now presses atop the hand on her thigh , gaze akin with something both intrepid & alluring ,   ’   prove it .   ’

                          she was surprisingly easy to attain,   almost too easy,   almost easy enough to make him wonder that if the chase comes so effortless to him,   will he be satisfied with the prey ?   he remembers precisely the moment her name was dropped during a family dinner for the very first time   &   he remembers being completely disinterested.   she was nothing to him,   a side-character,   negligible   &   boring,   one of the many freshers at university that seemed to try too hard in his eyes   &   the fact that she just happened to be in diadem imperium didn’t change many things.   but if orion is excellent at manipulation,   his mother has an otherworldly talent   &   perhaps he knew he was being sent into a battle he didn’t really want to fight,   but he could never say no to his mother.   his mother or the possibility of wrapping his greedy,   greedy fingers around another source of power.   &   so he approached her casually at first,   polite,   charming,   brilliant,   he’s let her see him the way the rest of the world does,   until she was ready to see something entirely different,   something he was saving for the most important occasions.   it was easy,   almost too easy   &   perhaps he didn’t see the reward in it back them,   he sure does now.   –––   there is a quiet chuckle rumbling through his chest,   her impatience amusing him to no end   &   he is caressing her cheek.   ‘   patience,   mon amour,   you’ll get everything you want   &   more if you’re a bit patience.   ’   he purrs,   lips planting a chaste kiss on her bare shoulder.   ‘   dis s'il te plaît.  ’

[orivns-blog]

「 ∘*∵ ARIADNA.

         trying to recall all the bits & pieces orion has disclosed about himself to her is D I F F I C U L T, mind drowned in a sea of liquor & worries about her brother. an apology rises, poised on the tip of her tongue as soon as the words leave orion’s lips. “ of course ! my mistake. i’m so sorry ! ” ariadna murmurs, sincerity on her features as her fingers curl back around the lost & found blunt. she tucks it away, her clutch large enough to C O N C E A L it for the next encounter. someone here had to want it. “ fortunately, that is O N E thing we can agree on, ” ariadna says almost nervously, unsure if her words will prime orion to pry more about her past. she turns her nerves into a small smile, trying her best to be amiable. it really does feel R E F R E S H I N G, though, to have someone turn down something the brunette cannot stand. seeing no other option than to accept his offer, ariadna nods & brings the cup up to her carmine lips. taking a long sip, ariadna racks her muddled brain for another question to ask. handing the cup back to him, ariadna questions, “ so – co-president huh. how does it feel ? ”

                              he shakes his head at her,   a delicate smile pulling on the corners of his brims.   ‘   don’t worry about it.   i’m quite positive nobody scorns substance here aside from you   &   me.   rich kids with severe drug problems,   what a cliché.   ’   orion chuckles softly,   taking back the cup from the dark haired femme.   she is pure,   he thinks,   or at least,   much more untouched by the infamy that seems to be a core part of everyone else in diadem imperium.   &  he finds it strangely refreshing,   even if he is her complete opposite : you can’t see it yet,   but he is rotting from the inside,   the weight of his sins slowly catching up to him   &   erasing the last bit of innocence from his person.   ––––   he can’t help that small grimace taking over his countenance at her question,   taking a sip of his drink before answering.   her history with romeo does not escape his mind   &   although he is beyond intoxicated,   he is still careful enough with his words.   ‘   it’s not ... ideal.   i’ve been perfectly capable of handling the position in the past two years   &   having another person to share that with is inconvenient in more way than one.   &   besides,   as i’m sure you’re aware,   romeo   &   i are not on the most amiable terms.   regardless,   i will handle the situation the best way possible.   ’

[orivns-blog]

「 ∘*∵ HAYDEN.

he watches his drink get topped and lets it happen with a small sigh, a little unhappy about succumbing to so much alcohol, but not enough to do anything about it. “ sometimes, ” he repeats in agreement, finally getting a bit more serious. “ i don’t doubt it, ” hayden concedes, because he doesn’t honestly think orion would be terrible at being co-president, but he squints at the ‘ stupid ’ comment. “ EXACTLY the mindset i want my higher-up to have, ” he pins on sarcastically. brown hues flit over the other’s face as he comes closer, the action already making him grow apprehensive. he tries to lean back the same distance, but the armrest he’s sitting next to prevents most of it. in the moment when he was voting, he didn’t think much about his decision, just choosing the lesser of two evils, but it seems that his crimes have finally caught up with him. he purses his plush lips, trying not to look guilty or let an uncomfortable laugh out. “ who did you vote for? ” his tipsy self decides to parrot back, since his lying skills are UNFORTUNATE even while sober, and he’d prefer to put his confession off for as long as possible. “ adonis, right? i wouldn’t be surprised. ”

                              ‘   have you ever heard of a well-functioning organisation that has two leaders with completely different ideas ? because i haven’t.   my way works,   i proved it for two years   &   this...   this will just make things unnecessarily complicated.   ’   he scoffs,   a small pout taking over his countenance.   the idea of sharing the power he worked so diligently for,   the power that belongs to him   &   him only,   makes his stomach turn,   blood boil,   the monster in his chest screaming,   clawing at his insides for just a taste of infamy.   he brings the bottle to his lips again,   the strong taste of alcohol numbing the bitterness spreading through his whole body   &   although he is aware it will be back the second intoxication wears of,   he refuses to dwell in self pity now.   ––––   there is an indignant hitch of breath,   eyes narrowing at the other male,   he can see the clear signs of sheer discomfort even in the state he is in now.   ‘   traitor.   ’   he exclaims,   mouth hanging open in disbelief.   ‘   i can’t believe you’ve done this !   ’   arms fold on his chest   &   he is staring at hayden as if he was ready to swallow him alive.   ‘   why the hell would i vote for him ? he is irresponsible   &   stubborn,   that’s not what i need from a vice-president.   ’

[gangsters-wife]

[bangurz]

[waveyourself]

[orivns-blog]

「 ∘*∵ ADONIS.

they’re not so different, adonis thinks. maybe they had varying approaches, varying ways of coping, but they were almost alike. capable of being something other than enemies. adonis takes orion’s words to heart, fingers wrapping around his wrist and cheek leaning into his touch. “ i can never seem to say no, huh. ” he replies quietly, fingertips tapping against orion’s skin. “ i’ll always let you. ” words are murmured as head turns to the side, lips brushing the palm of the males hand. he wishes he could explain the mixed feelings rising in his chest, but he wasn’t good with words when he was barely coherent enough to make them and truth be told he was yearning for an unexplainable closeness. “ so show me. ” adonis sighs, peering at orion through hooded eyes.

                            this is intimate in the strangest way orion can imagine   &   the feeling will carve itself into his mind,   making it impossible for him to look at the other the way he did before.   if he realised that in this moment,   he would stop,   he would shake himself out of the unusual craving for understanding.   if he knew what a difficult time it will give him seeing adonis more than a mere object he can utilise to get what he wants,   he would run the other way.   but he’s getting drunk on more than just alcohol   &   he so desperately wants more,   it seems nearly impossible to tear himself away from the other’s gaze.   pale digits take hold of adonis’ jaw as he leans closer,   kissing him on the mouth slow,   careful,   softness radiates from every move he makes.   free hands slides down on his chest,   picking at the buttons of his half-undone shirt until it falls open,   fingertips pressing into the warm skin.   ‘   love yourself.   ’   he breathes.   ‘   love yourself even if no one else knows how to.   ’

[orivns-blog]

「 ∘*∵ CELIA.

               she’s all consumed by a need to be felt , held within the arms of none other than him . all else seems trivial with every kiss painting an electric path against her skin , enough for breath to slow & heart rate to quicken . he feeds into the false sense of security a seemingly innocent pill only magnified .   ’   i know ,   ’   she murmurs , lips curling into an amorous beam at the very mention of the name . she offers no opposition to his actions , falling downwards against his figure with nothing short of an intoxicated laugh . genuine fondness overtakes at the statement , as though she already had an answer to offer .   ’   more ?   ’   a pause ,   ’   you just make me feel so good .   ’   if it hadn’t been for the artificial euphoria coursing through veins , the statement may have held a certain bout of truth . now , however , she doesn’t have the choice but to follow the course of mock - bliss , one of which she’s forced herself to believe to be real . she takes their closeness as an opportunity to brush reddened lips against his jaw , chaste , before placing a kiss just below his ear . another following just below the first . & another ,  –   another , until the restraint to disconnect is found . both palms rise to his shoulders .   ’   i feel so good with you .   ’

                                she fits the idea of what he wants for himself so perfectly,   even if she needs his delicate guidance in some ways,   it takes is breath away sometimes.   &   perhaps that’s the reason it comes so easy to him to pretend she owns his heart just as much as he does hers,   maybe that’s why it is a child’s play to whisper the sweetest lies into her ear   &   that’s why the affection is his eyes when looking at her seems so very heart-wrenchingly real.   but he doesn’t love her,   not really,   not the way she wants him to,   not the way that he is supposed to.   he is enamoured with what she can give him,   what he can be with her by his side   &   perhaps that’s the most his cold,   cold heart is capable of.    –––   eyes flutter close when she kisses his skin,   lips curling into a small smile   &   there is a satisfied little sigh falling past his brims.   arms tighten around her form momentarily before he is turning his head to kiss her on the mouth,   hand sliding up her body until he is holding her face close to his,   molding her into himself until he is out of breath,   heart beating fast against his ribcage.   ‘   i want you to feel good.   ’   free hand placed on her knee,   he slides it higher up,   squeezing.   ‘   i want to make you feel good.   ’

[orivns-blog]

「 ∘*∵ ADONIS.

“ i dont think you look bad. it’s normal to … act your age. ” adonis murmurs, the small motions beginning to mellow out his racing heart. his own hand lays against orion’s chest, feeling his heartbeat beneath as the male inquires about his choices. lips tip into a contemplative frown, shoulders shrugging. “ they make me feel better when nothing else will. ” adonis responds, eyes gaining an almost sad gleam. “ i mean. when i’m high i feel… like i can do anything, you know ? ” hands fall to his sides now, gaze tracing the curve of orion’s face before landing back on the ceiling. “ on top of the world. reminds me of when i was a kid and felt like nothing could ever stop me. ” nostalgic smile replaces his previous one. “ and it makes loving people easier too. you can just - do it. no problems, no uncertainties. you just feel it. ” a pause. “ you’re fearless. ”

                           he shakes his head a little,   the smile that curves his lips is certainly not honest.   ‘   not for me.   i have to be more.   i want to be more.   ’   the small sigh that fall past his brims carries the weight of the responsibility he believes he has to carry by himself   &   perhaps it’s a delusion but he’ll never live a day to think differently.   there is a strange sense of melancholy that takes over him at adonis’ words   &   he feels sorry for him,   tries to imagine the difference between their burdens but it’s so very different it takes his breath away.   what adonis describes,   what he years to be,   what seemingly only intoxication can bring him is what orion has been taught to be from the moment he opened his eyes for the very first time.   ‘   you don’t need drugs for that.   you can be.   ’   his words are barely louder than a whisper as he brushes his thumb over the other’s cheek softly.   ‘   i can show you,   if you let me.   ’