even as im writing this, im trying to control my breathing, im embracing my dizziness, im letting my head feel numb. functioning with generalized anxiety has been the hardest thing iâve ever had to do. iâve only been struggling for 2 weeks now, and my heart goes out to all my friends who have been battling their mental health for years.Â
before i continue, i want to clarify that i have self-diagnosed myself. my claims shall be confirmed with both my primary and psychiatrist this coming week. my symptoms include the following: tightness in chest, constant feeling of choking, dizziness/lightheaded, random waves of vertigo, hot flashes, loss of appetite, moodiness (mostly crying), and continual monitoring of my body to ensure that i am still alive.Â
what people dont realize is that this has been a daily struggle. going to school and sitting in 8 hours worth of lecture takes a toll on me. i take too many naps, and later feel guilty about not studying. i cant sit for more than 30 min at home or the library. when i read a passage over, and over again, i have not been able to retain information. moments where i should naturally feel anxious, like taking a quiz today, or practicing OMM with my professor, takes mental preparation and a lot of deep breathing. and most importantly, socially, i feel distant from my new peers. several people have caught me zoning out (again, controlling the breathing). i cant emotionally destress by going out, partially because of guilt because i havent study, and partially because of my last episode.
i have been vocal about my feelings, finally admitting to my roommates and parents that i canât control my body anymore. i have tried to change the way i think, including embracing any bodily sensations to prevent the fear, which feeds these attacks. i have improved my diet because of my loss of appetite. aka, i force myself to take my vitamins, eat 3 meals a day with snacks, and continuously drink water. i have prayed and meditated every night. i have been working on changing my attitude about medical school, reminding myself of my abilities, and that i have earned my way into medical school, and that the drop out rate is 0%.
mentally, i have gotten over my fears. i have jumped over the hurdles of leaving lebanon alone, combating gastritis, moving myself into my house (that didnt have electricity or water first 2 nights), taking care of my financial status, bargaining for a car. i have the mental confidence that i am capable of doing well in med school, especially after surviving a week of organizing my life, and getting into my new routine. but physically im falling apart, and i dont know how to fix it.
all i know at the moment is that i am a student doctor. i am battling an anxiety/panic disorder. i need professional help. and thatâs ok.