our grey experience

A place for those with grey orientations to share their experiences. This includes people who just identity as grey as well as more specific labels under that umbrella (demi, ficto, lith, etc).

[our-grey-experience]

So, I made a blog for sharing and discussing grey experiences.

My name's Twilight and I use they/them. I'm mini/demiomantic, fictosexual, and a relationship anarchist.

I'm alloplatonic, but you can send me asks related to being greyplatonic or questioning it if you want to.

[justgot1]

Protect him

[alexaloraetheris]

HE PUT IT INTO WORDS💞💞💞💞💞

[aro-ace-chaos]

Aspec Glossary: Abro

What is the Aspec Glossary?

Abro- is a microlabel prefix that indicates that the person in question experiences attraction of that type to a fluid or changing degree. "Abro-" comes from Greek, meaning "delicate" or "graceful." Abro is not necessarily an exclusively aspec label.

Abro is more broad than flux, in that the genders one feels attraction to can change, (which is not typically the case for flux identities), and it can also describe attraction changing from being mono to multi, as well as allo to aspec. Not all abros are aspec, but many are.

Abroromantics (abromantics) may fluctuate between being alloromantic and aromantic, or between being monoromantic and multiromantic, or between being romantically attracted to different genders. Abroromantics may identify as arospec, or they may not.

Abrosexuals may fluctuate between being allosexual and asexual, or between being monosexual and multisexual, or between being sexually attracted to different genders. Abrosexuals may identify as acepec, or they may not.

Someone can also be abroplatonic, abrofamilial, abrosensual, etc.

[aro-culture-is]

Grayro (Alloplatonic) culture is not always necessarily relating to other aro people, because the way you found out you were aspec was not by lack of romantic feelings (though that too) but the strong preference for platonic relationships, and the confusion about if you’ve ever had romantic feelings or if there’s even a difference for you. Like yeah, I don’t think I’ve experienced an actual crush since I was eleven (I’m almost twenty now), and even then I’m not sure how it was different from all my platonic squishes, but still for me it’s not a LACK of attraction that defines my orientation for me personally, it’s other differences that make me feel entirely separate from alloromantic experiences. So sometimes I feel a little bit lost in the aro community as well because my realization and the highlight of my difference for me is different from a lot of aspec people.

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[anotherqueersnailowner]

growing up arospec I was INCREDIBLY confused abt how people could ever find themselves in a romantic relationship bc I thought it was so rare to feel romantic attraction that it would be next to impossible to both A be attracted to someone and B have them also be attracted to you AT THE SAME TIME

like lil me was DUMBFOUNDED as to how that was even possible, let alone how it seemed to happen so frequently

[our-grey-experience]

So I'm questioning if I'm greyromantic and I'm wondering what weak/less intense romantic attraction feels like? When I was a preteen my romantic attraction felt a lot stronger. Like I could not stop thinking about the person I had a crush on. Now I'm in my 20s and it's like "I could see myself dating them... Anyway!". To me it feels like my attraction has weakened but at the same time how am I supposed to know what's considered weak compared to an alloro?

I'm the same way. From the conversations and observations I've had with alloromantics, they do seem to experience intense romantic attraction like what you used to feel. (And some greyromantics do too, just, more rarely.) Ultimately though, we do not have a precise way to quantify stuff like this and say "you are arospec if you are under this line". If you want to use the label, you're allowed to use the label.

[whoopsie-collective]

being polyamorous and greyromantic is potentially the funniest identity combination. yes i would significantly prefer to date multiple people. unfortunately i've only experienced a notable amount of romantic attraction once, so that kinda complicates matters.

[aro-culture-is]

demiromantic culture is remaining on good terms with almost all of your exes, with two of them now being your best friends, because you were friends first and you mutually agree that that shouldn't be disregarded just because a romantic relationship didn't work out.

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[urlocalnocturnalcryptid]

shoutout to aromantic people who have a complex relationship with their aromanticism

I used to be the most simple, explainable 'version' of aro. I didn't have any interest in relationships, never experienced anything close to a crush, and just felt very detached from romance in general

this hasn't been the case recently and losing the assurance I had from how simply I was able to identify with that label has been pretty lame, and trying to communicate any of the complexities of my experience has been pretty awful

so yeah shoutout to aro people who's experience with aromanticism isn't easily explainable. shoutout to aro people who've experienced romantic attraction. shoutout to aro people who don't know if they've experienced romantic attraction. shoutout to aro people who are interested in romantic relationships. and shoutout to aroallo people, generally

we deal with too much bullshit actually

[aro-culture-is]

nebularomantic culture is not knowing if my obsession with this fictional character is romantic, platonic, familial, gender envy, or some combination of the above

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[sex-favorable-aces]

This is what I mean. I scrolled for 20 minutes in the asexual tag. These were the posts I found. Guess how many I found that weren't equating asexuality with sex repulsion?

One. And it was someone who was lementing how they've been told their non-strictly sex repulsed orientation will make it difficult for them to find a partner who loves them the way they are.

And this isn't just "I personally don't like sex".

It's erasing asexuals who do have sex.

It's lumping all of us together, with the unspoken addition of "if you aren't like this then you aren't asexual".

It's shaming people who like sex (including asexual).

This is what I mean when I talk about we as a community need to be more mindful about how we talk about and to our community as a whole. As a sex favorable asexual, stuff like this reminds me that the rest of my community would rather I didn't exist, because they either already act like I don't, think I'm not "ace enough", or think I'm disgusting. None of that is community behavior.

But there will be a whole essay post talking about how sex favorable asexuals get all the media representation and there's nothing for the sex repulsed asexuals (fucking where? I'm so serious as soon as someone can send me at least five canon sex favorable asexuals I'll stop making this point)

[aro-culture-is]

Demiaro culture is telling allo people you're aromantic and getting hit with the "you just haven't met the right person yet" so you sit there like: well, you're not wrong in my case, but that's one of the worst things you could have said right now.

ah, another @this-is-arophobia

[the-crystalized-cosmos]

Romance within the Aromantic Community

Pt: Romance within the Aromantic Community /End Pt

Considering it's aromantic week, I want to talk about something I've been noticing more and more as time goes on. And that is how all or nothing the community is becoming.

I feel like most people are aware of the push between "you can still date if you're aro" (often used as an excuse that aro people can still be "normal") vs "stop putting aro characters/people into relationships" (often also used without recognition of complexity). Both are certainly important when used with the nuance, but the increase in just the concepts spreading without genuine conversation of what these phrases are about (aromanticism is a spectrum, and aromantic people don't need amantonormativity to be happy) has been lost. The general narrative for the whole aromantic community, and I am talking about it as it exists as a spectrum here, is that you either have to fall into alloro norms, or be strictly aro without romantic connection.

And as an aro whose "default" is attraction, this makes it extremely isolating. I'm lithromantic, meaning I feel attraction until it's reciprocated, at which point it's lost. Because of this I will never have an alloro experience. I will always have that fear of hurting someone even if I was explicit that any relationship is just for fun. I will always have that experience of feeling broken, like I just can't commit, of forcing myself into relationships just because it's the "right" thing to do, even when it hurts. Sound familiar? A lot of those are some of the most common queer experiences, especially aro experiences in this specific case. However many times I don't feel welcome in the aro community.

There is a big push back that romance is evil, no romo, love loses, common phrases you see for any aro rep. Which to a degree is understandable. When you have something pushed on you so strongly your natural instinct after you stop trying to obey is to reject the idea entirely. To completely detach yourself from the concept. And for many people, who don't experience romance in any sense of it, they don't have a reason to examine this. It works for them. It's just a fun bit. But that doesn't erase the invisibility it increases for the rest of the community.

I am someone who heavily enjoys romance, and who loves more than standard due to disorders. But to call me allo in any sense of the word is just inherently erasive of my experiences. And it's not just me. Some other aro identities who have a more "default" of no attraction (such as demiro) are given more representation, until they start having the attraction. All the conversation is about how that lack of attraction is "abnormal" but there's barely any mention of how that attraction that is had is still "abnormal". How that difference doesn't go away when they "get closer to alloro".

So much of the aromantic community is brought together by an atypical relationship with romance compared to amantonormative standards. But recently that's just been simplified to a lack of attraction. Dismissing how many other ways an atypical relationship with romance exists.

While I cannot speak for the whole spectrum, I do know from many conversations that a lot of others can resonate with the feeling that there is something inherently unique about having romantic attraction while on the aro spectrum. That it's something that can not be easily understood, if at all, by alloromantics. As well as there being many common underlying experiences. A fear or uncertainty of acting on the attraction should the recipient not fully understand the nuance that comes with it. For some a worry of hurting others should they act on the attraction due to knowing it is prone to fading out. A wondering if this is actually attraction, or if we're miscontextualizing our feelings. If this attraction is the one that will last, or if we didn't actually feel attraction before hand.

This doesn't even take into account people whose attraction changes under certain circumstances, but doesn't necessarily ever lose it. A feeling of your attraction not quite belonging to you. That since it's dictated by others you must just be people pleasing. That fear of what will become of it should this person leave your life. Or when you only have attraction to specific things, which might be considered normal if it's a certain gender but is seen as abnormal when it's to something such as fictional characters. That outside perspective of being gross or perverted. Or of just being fixated with fairy tales one can never have. That there is an expectation to "grow up". A fear of ever talking about your attraction should it become a moral discussion. And of course the discussion stops far from here. There are so many ways to experience romantic attraction while still being aromantic. I couldn't even begin to name them all. However I heavily encourage you to name yours, and have discussions around it.

There are so many ways that romantic attraction deviates from amantonormative standards specifically within the aromantic community. Yet we've seemed to lose much of the conversations surrounding this in favour for the much easier understood concept of romance is not needed to be happy. Which again, is not to say that conversation isn't also important, just that it should not be the only one. There should be conversations about how romance doesn't look one way. That there should be no standard. How to support those whose romantic attraction does differentiate from the norm, and how certain romantic relationships are no more valid than others.

In the end, there are a lot of ways that aromanticism looks. And while that concept is understood, the actual way that looks is often forgotten in a push between "looking normal" when having attraction vs being more acceptable for not having any attraction in the least. We as a community desperately need to start understanding an atypical relationship with romance doesn't inherently mean none. And that aro can and does still equal having romantic attraction for many.

Happy Aromantic Week to every aro that feels romantic attraction.

[aro-culture-is]

Arospec culture is sometimes having to just say that your aromantic instead of your actual label so people understand a bit faster

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[aro-culture-is]

possibly aroflux culture is being like "yeah I could see myself in a romantic relationship" some days, and them being like "I am EXTREMELY aro" other days

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[aro-culture-is]

Demiaro culture is only enjoying romance in media when it's a slowburn. Enough of falling in love fast, give me long periods of learning about eachother and yearning or don't give me romance at all.

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[aro-culture-is]

greyro culture is constantly going “damn attraction’s nice tho, when would I get a crush again?” and then you have something vaguely crush-adjacent (even tho it’s mostly alterous/platonic) and being sooo mortified like how could this happen to me???? bonus point since i’m trying to be friends w/ them for over a year and it still didn’t work :(

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