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[our2dots]

6/27/19 - FINI

Can’t sleep.

Deep inside i feel like i felt back in the day when you used to make me “hide” from your old boyfriend because you didn't want him or any of his friends to know you had moved on... and now i’m just another person you are hiding stuff from.

Starting to seriously consider my deepest fear... just maybe... this isn’t entirely my fault...

But that makes me feel badly - like i’m trying to spread the blame..

I’m the one who made us run away to Stowe that day and made other terrible choices in the last months of our relationship that in retrospect have me drowning in regret... i truly feel i have disappointed, hurt you, deserve this loss and all the crushing feels..

but it keeps creeping into my brain that maybe there was also “something” else going on here...

Something in the background you were hiding while i was making stupid choices about how to deal with my ex...

Something that i probably deserved after i didn't stand our ground in VT...

Something that when i asked “too many questions” about you life, took the opportunity to “shut it down” with disproportionate hostility and and lack of empathy..

On some level these reactions always felt a little off - like they didn’t match the level of our relationship. After the secrets we shared with each other, sometimes the way you accused me of “not respecting” you felt just a bit disingenuous...  

You have made it clear “disrespect” is about boundaries. You let me feel like you built a wall around your life to protect you from me and my bad vibes... but it feels like there’s more to it anytime I ask about anything on the “other side of the wall” and get a very harsh response... or in any weak moment I dare hint how important our relationship was to me... i’m told i’m “disrespectful”

Even after the disaster i have caused of the past two days - This “something” is selfishly bothering me and my crazy can’t let it go. fuck it.

I’m at the Public and suspect you’ll take the same train from the same station as me after you finish boxing down the street.

I’m going to force this conversation. I know this isn’t going to help anything. i don’t care, I need it for me.

I order coffee and wait for you by Bleeker.

After about :15 i see you and after you get coffee the real conversation finally happens. Yep, it’s an ambush. You’re brutal. Harsh. Angry.

You tell me very forcefully you “don’t love” me. “We are never getting back together.” You don’t “need anyone in your life.” You “may have missed me right after” we broke up. You may have thought “we might get back together” after my situation settled down, but my “behavior in the past two months was so disrespectful” you can’t ever be with me again. “never.”

So... because i left that morning on 4/23, i never got the message that maybe in the future we could get back together if i could just give you some space... and missing that sole window for this conversation is all my fault because i walked out that morning while you were in the shower...

Moreover, (Forget the fact that you insta-stalk your ex and get upset about being blocked out of his feed... ) I have no right to wonder, think about or inquire about anything in your life... especially if it’s a reference to social media. Your life is a blackbox - how dare i look at it or into it.. I have no right. Your life is now none of my business! (fucking stalker!)

I’m super sad when you walk away, but strangely feel free with this very clear, but horrible answer.

My hope crushed. I guess I already knew - i just needed to hear it.

and for me, this response confirms my “something” - you are with him.

Yes - the “HILARIOUS,” Southshore, Finance, Lax bro, that is always touching you in every insta pic..  who you’re always sitting, grinning with in every one of your friend’s insta-stories... who you denied was any kind of an interest... is literally “in.”

You, your best friend, her man and now his buddy are all one happy family now.

For me, your level of anger and lack of empathy in your responses over the past 45 days has crystalized into... “FUCK OFF! Don’t judge me! - i can fuck whoever i want, whenever i want! My life is none of your fucking business!” 

(but maybe i don't want to feel like i’m being constantly questioned about my life to admit i was doing it either during or right after we broke up because you have no right to manipulate me into feeling badly about anything - so i’m mad)

Yeah - it probably is “hard to be with” me, when you want to be with someone else...

but to be clear, I’m not mad.

i can see being part of this traveling double-couple group makes you super happy... and in a way i never could.

and whether you believe it or not, I have always wanted you to be happy and have pleasure above all else.

Many times over the first half of our relationship we honestly discussed multiple times it was ok to fuck someone else over the weekend or have two men at the same time like the porn you enjoy... as long as were were open and honest about it. There is no way i would stand in the way of your happiness and pleasure... ever... and clearly i was. 

Again, not mad, just very sad..

and after all the “respect” talk, pretty sure there was some two-way-traffic on “disrespect street”... (can’t help but wonder how blind i was - were you fucking him when i got to Miami in 2018?)

After this morning I’m feeling all kinds of conflicting crazy...

I want you to be happy and he makes you happy... 

but i miss you with everything inside me.

i’m the one who needs space now.

I need to learn to let go of what was never mine.

I know you are going to Nantucket for the 4th... I have been invited for a couple of days, but there is no way i’m going out there to see you moving on.

No more staying in or near the East Village. No more running by where you walk your dog.

i know i can't handle seeing you out with anyone else, it will be devastating.

Not sure i will write this journal anymore…

[our2dots]

6/26/19 MAD AF

I see you outside - you say you're so mad at me you can’t talk.

You weren’t talking to me before, but i believe it. 

This is visceral. A lot of anger.

i go to a client. Don’t see each other rest of day.

I’m dead to you. 

Yesterday I gave you the perfect reason to cut me out of your life in two sentences.

Like your dad.

[our2dots]

6/25/19 SHIT TALK

This morning you tell me “it’s not my fault” that i “got fat,” but really?! Why are being such a dick to me at every opportunity!?

Bit later I tell you i’m thinking of not working on the “big client meeting” and that means you would have to do it alone - is that ok? i don’t want to just dump this on you because i feel like you wont be comfortable with it..

Again, you coldly and rudely dismiss my efforts to protect you... you’re clearly pushing back with hostility on my every communication... no matter the subject... and I’m annoyed by that... 

That said, for some reason i keep thinking about how upset you got when you figured out your ex was “hiding” his instagram story from you. 

I keep thinking about how it bothered you (even though we were together “hiding” in your neighborhood) he was with someone new and hiding it from you...

You like to act like you would never insta-stalk, could never be bothered to look at what he was doing, couldn’t give a fuck because you're “so over it” and above it all... but it’s clear you were monitoring him after your break up and hiding his life from you really hurt you... enough to bring it up and talk about it multiple times... 

i’m now feeling like you're hiding something from me. It feels like you're trying to block me out in real life.. and it hurts.

A month ago i felt your reactions to my communication and their lack empathy was because i did you so wrong in the last months of our relationship and i deserved the cold shoulder because i hurt and disappointed you... 

Now it feels like you are purposefully pushing back on me in a way that is disproportionate - like you're shutting communication down to hide something from me... 

rightly or wrongly... i’m starting to get very frustrated by this - so I come at you directly about the lack of communication again... 

and for the first time i try to provoke you... i want you to give up some insight into how your really feeling and what’s really happening here...

So in my office i bluntly call you out about your avoidance / evasiveness and being an asshole to me about it...

and i do it in the most careless, stupid and dumb way possible because i’m pissed off... 

i say shit i should never have said...

“stop being a pussy...” 

“you're being a little cunty about it”

these are things we used to say joking to each other 3 months ago... and its not taken as a joke. you're fucking mad a hell. 

This is a huge fuck up. 

You think i’m commenting on your past.. about how you think about your childhood - i’m not. It has nothing to do with that.

I was commenting on our current state of interactions and frustration from feeling like you’re hiding behind work and avoiding talking about things... 

but it doesn't matter... all you hear is massive disrespect. 

You walk out.

i have never seen you mad at me like that. 

Uh oh. Fuck.

[our2dots]

6/24/19 BROOKLYN REVISIT

Hate going to work. I have no idea what today will bring. 

Have you read the letter? I’m not sure it was smart to send. 

You ignore me. Pass me on the street. 

Later we talk briefly about your weekend because something has gone wrong with your airbnb host. You’re stressed. I try to calm you. You actually say you appreciate it.

Staying in Willian Vale far away from you. 

I go out and retrace all of best Brooklyn moments. 

It’s sad, but satisfying to remember.

[our2dots]

6/23/19 HOT GIRL SUMMER

It’s been exactly two months...

You look like you are having so much fun with your friends in the Hamptons. You seem so happy. Happier than i have seen you in many many months.

Laughing and smiling so much. 

I wish I could be part of your joy. 

I thought i would be on this trip with you this year. 

You are still wearing my nameplate i got you.. does that mean anything?

Deep inside, i know you are already with someone else...

i can’t help feel l know who it is... 

but i keep denying it to myself... 

she couldn’t possibly... she wouldn't.. 

we had something too special to move on from that quickly...

i really feel like a crazy person today..

[our2dots]

6/22/19 LONDON CALLING

I’m offered 2 tickets to the Sox / Yanks in London. If we were still a thing we would def be going. I’m not going to bother asking, but I want to b/c I want you to know I can provide and make plans. 

Talk to Hal for the first time in a while - he invites me to amagansett to take my mind off things.

Wish you would go with me.

[our2dots]

6/21/19 HAMPTONS

You go to the Hamptons.

All i can think about who you are going with... who you will meet... 

and your trip to the Hampton’s last year when some French guy repeatedly assaulted you and I wasn’t there to defend you. 

It really upset you. 

[our2dots]

6/20/19 FIST BUMP

After your reaction the last time i saw you, I change my route by a couple of blocks... But there you are walking up 1st. 

Fist bump, can’t even. 

You look amazing at work. short dress, no bra, heels - the workouts are having an effect - that ass. we talk some work. 

i cancel japan. i’m very sad. 

you leave for a “dr appt” that i’ll bet has more to do with your bikini wax for your wkend in the hampton’s than check up...

i’m on the outside getting lied to.. i can tell... like we used to lie to everyone else about where we were going.. 

Depressed. 

i miss you. 

Deep inside i’m really worried you are with “hilarious finance lax bro” for real... or will meet someone in the hamptons this wkend or nantucket the wk after next.

[our2dots]

6/19/19 NJ PITCH

You’re at pitch with the new guy (who i hate bc the way he looks at you even though he’s gay).

Won’t see you all day. 

i write you letter that says nothing new.

[our2dots]

6/18/19 DRINKING TO FORGET

i don’t even want to go to work. i hate this. 

talk on the con-call & she doesn’t want to say “hi.” She’s working in the board room on her pitch i’m pretty sure to avoid me. 

I see you outside and heart literally jumps into my throat - I’ve never had that happen before. 

I go out with my friend and drink to forget.

[our2dots]

6/17/19 DAUGHTER TALK

Send text about the “trauma” you carry around. 10 word response. Accept it. Have lunch w/my daughter. This time tell her everything in detail ‘17-19. (Work, Skiing, Miami, Private investigator pics, Spring break trap, court orders, the letter, what your step-mom did to you, the end & how I feel). She understands everything - I can’t believe it (actually super proud).

She says, “This isn’t fair.”“She has such a cool name.” “I want to meet her.” “I want to go riding w/her.” Sister “will come around.”“Can I call her?” -No. she doesn’t want that. “I’m going to write her a letter.” -I appreciate that, but not a great idea.

Lunch lasts 2.5 hrs. Want to tell you about our conversation, I appreciate your experience, but our fate could be different. Also know u don’t want to hear it - you’re trying to heal & have the care-free summer you deserve w/out bs weighing you down. But secretly suspect Josie will reach out directly over insta - prob freak you out. Not sure it matters, but you have a 15yr old fan who is happy with anyone who makes me happy. Wish you could have heard her.

i stupidly screen shot this and send. No answer. She’s ghosts my insta-story. I’m gutted. I’m getting pissed - this feels like it’s going bad.

[our2dots]

6/16/19 TRAUMA PAINTING

Avoiding me on the gram. 

I feel like I came across as not understanding your trauma and what your step-mom did to you. How painful your fathers choices have been. I want paint you in a way that captures it. But it’s hard to capture your trauma, I always just seem to capture your beauty. 

Go dinner with my older daughter. We talk about the divorce and “my girlfriend.” It goes so well and we decide to have lunch tomorrow talk more. 

I send pics of the my trauma painting in progress. 

No answer.

[our2dots]

6/15/19 HOME

she drives home for the wkend. Which makes me feel good for some reason.

[our2dots]

6/14/19 MISSED CHANCE

I’m not feeling great about our conversation. 

She doesn’t want to talk about what happened. Says I missed my chance when I “just left.” I need to talk this through.. but It upsets her. 

She keeps saying i “don't respect” her because by talking about this i don’t respect her decision. 

That really makes me feel badly because all i want her to understand is i do respect her and i’m trying to fight for us to be together because i respect her and want to be partners.

That said, she is wrong about her assumptions about us, my kids - it can work and won’t be like her step-mom. If that discussion took place in March, we’d still be going (why didn’t I force that convo!?)

(or is this about her finance lax bro... ?)

[our2dots]

6/13/19 "NOT A GOOD IDEA”

I run by her house when I know she will go to dog park. So lame. I can’t help it.

At work, she says she is booked all next week every night. I ask where? She says she “has plans” and then going to the Hampton’s Friday (ugh). 

I tell her i can’t find apartment and she tell me it’s “not a good idea” to live so close to her. i’m gutted. 

I tell her about japan - she says “no.” 

We talk about her dad and step-mom, my kids, the letter, and it gets emotional. We agree to not talk about this at work - but that i wanted to talk about it. 

i’m pushing way too hard. 

I’m losing my grip and destroying things.

[our2dots]

6/12/19 OIL

When do I bring up Japan? 

I left a bunch of cbd/thc olive oil on your desk. I text you some info about it. No answer. 

You're walking around my office the other way to avoid me..?

You thank me for the oil. 

I stupidly tell you about talking to my dad - so obnoxious. So bad. I’m out of control. FUCK!! 

She calls me later in response to text. That’s nice.

[our2dots]

6/11/19 INGNORE

You're ignoring me. 

I see you at lunch and just dive in. It’s not normal, but it’s something. 

You ask me if I’m going to Japan. I don’t really answer. 

See you on way to train - don’t see her again. 

Check out sublet in alphabet city - not great, but should probably do it. 

Go to friend’s dinner party - get fucked up on weed stuff