First post!!
Trigger warnings!!
Trigger warnings:
Talks of suicide thoughts.
Venting
English mistakes Im so sorry..
Just life.
About:
And if youāre looking for someone to vent to, you can find a post on this account that explain why Im here, yāall can write in the ārequestā button and well just talk together, I want this to be a safe place!!
āāāāāāāāāā
Ok soā¦ itās been a year and a month since I first posted on here. Crazy, right?
I still vividly remember when I decided to make this page. I was on my bed, literally crying because of my insecurities.
Why post after a year?
I need to talk to people who donāt know me and who Iām not scared will talk about me behind my back.
Today I had a fight with one of my closest friends. I think sheās one of the most important friends I have, but sometimes it doesnāt feel the same for her.
So we had this small fight and it ended pretty well, but I wanted to make sure everything was actually okay. I asked her if she wanted to talk more about it or if everything was fine, and she said everything was alright and that I didnāt need to worry.
Okay!! And I was like, āalright then, love you girl.ā
We spent the entire day at school (yeah, it happened at school) laughing together, me giving her little scratches on her back and arms, you know, just small things that every friendship has (in different ways for everyone).
Then we said our goodbyes after school.
Still no problems.
Now I need to add something important.
That same morning I talked to her about something that was bothering me: my dad has to go through another heart surgery (his fourth one), and itās pretty serious. During his last one, he almost lost his life.
I only told my best friend and her.
She said things like, āIām so sorry, donāt worry, nothing is going to happen,ā etc.
I think this is important because it comes back later.
We finish school at 14:30 (2:30 p.m.), and three hours later, at 17:40 (5:40 p.m.), I get a message from her.
She tells me that Iām aggressive during fights and other things, and she ends with:
āEven if youāre going through your own things, it doesnāt mean I have to deal with it.ā
I never said I havenāt been more defensive lately. Itās not just about my dadās surgery, but many other things. School has been stressfulāso much that I started taking medicine to sleep, but it doesnāt even work.
I also had surgery this October. It didnāt go badly physically, but mentally it was really hard for me.
And the worst thing is that my best friend always says sheās right, even when sheās objectively not. I donāt know why. Then when weāre alone, she tells me I was right. I donāt understandāI just want someone to be on my side.
But that text was really bad. It basically felt like it was saying:
āyouāre a terrible friend, you have a bad personality and nothing good about you.ā
It might sound like Iām exaggerating, but it was really harsh. I just donāt want to go into details because it was private.
Then I confronted her, telling her how the message made me feel and that I was scared of losing her. She kept replying in an annoyed, almost āI donāt careā tone.
Iām going through so much.
My dad is about to have a serious surgery again.
My mom is very stressed and has her own health problems.
My older sister canāt always be the strong one anymoreāI see her cry more than I ever have before.
My little sister has been seeing a psychiatrist for months now, and sheās being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, OCD, ADHD, and other things.
And Iāve always been seen as the ācrybaby,ā but now I canāt even cry anymore unless Iām alone.
I feel this constant ache in my chest.
Everyone thinks Iām fine now, like Iām the only one not going through something, but I feel like Iām slowly drowning.
Iām anxious all the time. I feel like I canāt breathe. The pain in my chest wonāt go away.
I donāt think I can handle this anymoreā¦ and Iāve started thinking about ending it all.
It might sound stupid that from a fight with a friend I had this thoughts, but itās not the first time, and itās like that fight was the straw that broke the camelās back (I hope I got it right, I searched it because in my language this is a bit different phrase).