LOVE (uncluttered)
Love
Uncluttered
Leave it to the “smartest” species to misconstrue, adulterate, weaponize the cradle of life - Love.
An emotion that is empowering (freeing) in its purest form, love is disabling (scary/daunting) in equal measure when twined with doubt (sometimes even a spec of doubt is enough, depending on one’s baggage(s)).
It is too high a kick not to flirt with Love’s extremes (and boy, do we flirt). When we know that someone else needs something from us and we can gate keep that need, we invariably abuse that position, and we feed on that sense of control. We just can’t help ourselves, and we indulge. My humble request to people who meet these gate keepers is not to feed their false sense of control and their derived ego, we are their enablers, the sooner we learn this individually and collectively the better for the world around us. Small changes collectively will yield the desired results, but we need to realize we all matter. We succumb to these gate keepers (becoming the abused) and the reason why these gate keepers (the abusers) indulge in gate keeping is because of Doubt [^]. Doubt makes home in us when we shutout our own voice or fail to identify our voice. We need to learn to value our voice, then we will learn to value ourselves, and then we learn to love ourselves. Then again, we need to realize it is a journey and be patient with ourselves [^^].
"Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom." – Aristotle
“Knowing you helps me to know me better.” – Your’s Truely
We often limit love to a feeling towards another person or something like music, sports, money, or travel, etc. We often don’t look beyond. We are happy with the return for our indulgence. Then we are in this loop we cannot get out of. When we make it about fleeting pleasure derived from our indulgence, that’s where we limit the possibilities of Love. Where we end up always wanting something in return from our indulgence. But if we only ask ourselves “Why?” we are drawn to something/someone, or why something/someone is drawn towards us and then listen, we might find ourselves (only if we don’t doubt the response and pay heed to it, refusing the temptations/pleasures of indulgence) [^^].
Then and only then are we truly ready to begin our journey to attain Love. Love is the only emotion that will enable us to find who we are, all other emotions are offshoots of Love, highlighting our limitations (Control, Fear, Remorse, Disappointment, Anger, Hope), feeding our distractions, encouraging overindulgence in oneself and the world at large, at a superficial level.
Sooner or later these offshoots make us feel miserable, eating into our treasured emotions and make us hate who we are and the world at large (That’s a story for another day. Let’s get back to the journey to attain Love).
All of us have been heartbroken (don’t limit this to unrequited love or being dumped). When we have worked towards something and then on D-day things don’t pan out the way we wanted them to.
That dance competition we didn’t win, that painting being spoilt by your sibling/friend, coming 2nd in class, not being selected for that sports team, and then our favourite, the one we love doesn’t feel the same way, or the worst - never thought/noticed we felt that way for them.
All these instances can either scar us and change our path or make us realize who we are and light-up the path ahead.
The only reason we feel heartbroken is because we cared and loved beyond the bounds of ourselves, that is the simple truth. That is our Truth. The outcome is a momentary set-back.
We need to register this Truth and only the truth. Not the D-day outcome. The outcome is the current reality. But the Truth is the learning. When we learn to register the truth, we will only smile.
As this truth will show us, what we want, this truth makes us pursue things beyond our current boundaries, because when we care or love deeply, we lose ourselves, and surrender to attain something that feels unattainable. We need to tread carefully here as surrender has the tendency to lead us to expectation(s) and then eventual disappointment (Bhai, Investment pe return to banta hai na… Nahin? - No).
I always pray that all of us are given the courage to choose the Truth. Because, that is the only window that will lead you to you. Everything else is doubt and will lead you to indulgence.
When we love someone, we are drawn to the qualities we seek (don’t limit the qualities to looks/features, not referring to them at all). These qualities we seek are our truth, not the person we are drawn to. Many a times the person doesn’t see these qualities in themselves (re-run the previous paragraphs to know why [^^]) and/or we have ignored the other qualities completely to suite our narrative. Either way, when things don’t pan out as envisioned, the love doesn’t vanish, does it?
That feeling, that reality, that love we felt is ours forever (only if we will to learn from it). We will smile if we embrace it as our truth, but if we avoid it and discard that reality, it will scar us forever. Remember, every time we discard our reality, we kill a part of ourselves, and replace it with something that is lesser, and unnatural to us.
The same is true when we stop doing things we love. So… never let go of the learning, learn to embrace it and only then will we find our true self.
After all this, we are only halfway through the journey. We haven’t attained Love yet. We have only understood how to find ourselves. But to attain love and be connected, we need to let go of ourselves and surrender (Wait, what? We need find ourselves and then lose ourselves?? – Yes).
Hope you are all familiar with 7 stages of Love (Sufi). They are listed below. The list seems fine except that the order seems to be incorrect (to me) and misinterpreted. I hope to believe, in 7 stages of love, Love needs to be or can be attained only at the end of the journey and not something that props up in the 3rd stage. I wish to presume, someone got this list jumbled up to dilute the essence of Love (Re-run the previous paragraphs to know why [^]).
Sufi: 7 Stages of Love My: 7 Stages of Love
1. Dilkashi: Attraction 1. Dilkashi: Attraction
2. Uns: Infatuation 2. Uns: Infatuation
3. Ishq: Love 3. Aqidat: Trust
4. Aqidat: Trust 4. Ibadat: Worship/Reverence
5. Ibadat: Worship 5. Junoon: Focused with Blinders / Nothing else matters
6. Junoon: Madness 6. Maut: Death / Letting go of Ego and Expectation
7. Maut: Death 7. Ishq: Love
** DISCLAIMER: Kindly refrain from limiting love as ‘love towards an individual’**
Let us go through the stages of Love:
Attraction (Dilkashi): remember any instance when a fragrance, a point of view, a concept, a person, a personality, a fact, etcetera… intrigued you, made you want to know more about that thing. This “want to know more” draw is the essence of attraction. (Any idea why you are drawn to it? Have you ever asked yourself that question? – please do, you will learn a lot about yourself). You are drawn to it because it is aligned with what you feel in your own core being, what your being finds beautiful. Please for heaven’s sake do not double check yourself here. Do not let someone else’s voice induce doubt. Only exceptions being if your actions are impacting another being and be watchful you are not putting yourself in undue danger of injuries / addiction / death. As there is a thin line between being adventurous and being a fool. Listen to your gut instincts. Have your red-flags ready especially when another individual(s) is/are involved.
Infatuation (Uns): attraction induces curiosity. As we get to know more, we either move closer or move away from our attraction. We move closer when the more we learn about our attraction, we wilfully knowingly/unknowingly want to dive deeper, we want to be consumed by our attraction, simply coz the deeper we dive, we continue to find answers/assurances we have been seeking, answers/assurances that have eluded us till we chose to pursue our attraction. These interactions keep us in the blissful state. We grow fonder of our attraction as it is a source of happiness. Uns is a fragile state, where doubt is at its peak, where one red flag, one wrong step, one disturbing fact, one uncomfortable interaction can shatter the felt connection and we choose/decide consciously or unconsciously to walk-away.
But somehow if we are continued to be reassured, we either remain content with current reassured state as it is a dependable source of comfort, happiness, safety, revenue or we choose to dive deeper, as the attraction has not died down, we feel there is more beneath the surface, keeping the intrigue and the blissful state alive.
Majority of our interactions plateau in this stage. The reasons are endless, ranging from lack of compatibility with our core values/principles, life critical event, family restrictions, doubt to something as silly as a misunderstanding, but at its core it is about alignment. Every single thing needs to feel right. If it doesn’t, it is crash and burn. But if it does align, if doubt and “comfort” don’t creep in, if the attraction is sustained, then and only then infatuation transforms.
Trust (Aqidat): infatuation transforms with continuous reassurances and attraction, into Trust. It can be a skill mastered over time with practice and persistence, information tested and researched to gain knowledge, actions towards others (individual or group / directly or indirectly) or oneself builds trust. Every single action we do is because of Trust. Without trust we will not even be able to walk, talk, eat or shit. Once attained, we often take Trust for granted. Reassurances makes us complacent. That is the major pitfall. We ignore the effort, we ignore the changes, we ignore the time gone by, at our worse we demand more, we demand better, with negligible zero effort/contribution from our side. This slowly but surely erodes our trust.
But if somehow one persists through and delivers consistency, progress and innovation, then it was made possible only because one was able to float through to other stages of love, ‘Worship (Ibadat)’ and ‘Focus with Blinders’ (Junoon), this occurs unconsciously and in extreme conditions. One is unconsciously fluid between these stages, as all three stages (Aqidat, Ibadat and Junoon) feed off each-other and the line between Ibadat and Junoon is fluid.
If and when, one ensures to steer clear of distraction, doubt and apathy. They still have faith, belief and desire to deliver, then and only then do they transcend. I say they coz with consistency, excellence follows. Excellence, draws attention. Consistent excellence, garners trust of people. Then there is no longer any separation between the trusting people and deliverer, they feed off each-other, they become one entity. Trust has then blossomed.
Worship (Ibadat): when someone consistently delivers excellence, they invariably garner trust. Overtime reinforced trust garners Reverence. Then a benchmark is set. Any deviation from this benchmark invites chaos.
Any dip in consistency garners extreme reactions, as they are a collective, they are no longer an individual entity delivering results. Hence their collective reactions embodying madness.
Any milestone is a collective achievement. Reverence morphs into sainthood. Collective reactions again embodying the impractical.
In this state the individual is being revered because of their reverence and madness towards their pursuit. The only reason it is sustainable is because they have each-other. There is no room for doubt between the Worshiped and Worshiper(s). And their constant companion Chaos.
Focused with Blinders / Nothing else matters (Junoon): It’s just there it’s either positive or negative depending on its trigger. Junoon can never be sustained, but it is ever-present, it is only triggered (mostly external), then it cannot be contained. When it is triggered, it is always time for action, or it is all Fun or it rains Scary CHAOS!
But then, why this extreme reaction? Why the thin ice? Why the explosion?
When it is a collective, everything is amplified, everything is transparent. A loss raises doubt of dip in standards, a fall from grace for the Worshiped, which is unacceptable. On the other hand, a win shows promise of a new benchmark, which is overwhelming. This gets amplified/echoed by Worshiper(s). Hence the Chaos.
Death / Letting go of Ego and Expectation (Maut): The improbable. The immortals. True Legends.
Attained by a select few. They are like witnessing a shooting star. One should consider oneself lucky to witness someone in their lifetime. Have you ever witnessed anyone around you who shows-up to ensure things that need to be done are done, never make any fuss about it. Someone who is relentless and consistent. Someone with zero expectation for or from the action/task done. Someone who is immune from criticism, someone against whom no one can and will ever utter any negative. If yes, then that someone has learnt to surrender to the pursuit and have detached themselves from the outcome. For they have learnt, success and failure are not a means to an end, coz there is no end. The pursuit is never ending. This journey might have an end, but the pursuit doesn’t end, coz no one is ever in complete control and all one is supposed to do is show-up and deliver. A lesson learnt the hard way but is easily forgotten, such is life. We want to “feel alive” and we indulge in our ego, then we fail to realize how close we were to attain Love.
Love (Mohabbat/Pyar/Ishq): Only those mortals who dared to let go of their egos successfully were able to attain love. When all they wanted to do was to make sure they could add value to someone else’s life. When their predisposition is being selfless, they always manage to achieve more than what they themselves feel was beyond their abilities. Lata Mangeshkar, Mohammed Rafi, Sachin Tendulkar, Diego Maradona, Pele, Michael Jordan, Newton, Aryabhata, Meera Bai, Chhatrapati Shivaji, Bhagat Singh, Dr. A. P. J. Abdul Kalam, Onake Obavva, the makers of The Godfather, Sholay, Harry Potter, Sistine Chapel, and few many more of their ilk.
Closer to normalcy, a parent (generally a mother), a brother, a sister, a friend, a Partner, a teacher and finally a pet dog.
People who have attained Love do not generally realize their attainment. Most of us attain love fleetingly and then let doubt and expectation creep in. We need to learn to acknowledge these pitfalls and curb our natural predisposition (our survival instincts), only then can we sustain our attainment. __________________________________________________________________________________
Then again, all this feels like a rarity, feels text-bookie, and feels artsy, impractical.
Yet it is attainable, if one knows the path and its pitfalls and acknowledge Love is not attainable alone.
It feels impossible, it feels scary, to let go of our ego, then to let go of our comforts, then to let go of doubt. It is scary only coz we want to hold on to our false sense of control, as all these emotions feeds our primal instincts. End of the day it is the choices we make. These choices are made unconsciously, in line to our individual predispositions and instincts.
My only hope is to enable people around me to make these vital choices consciously. For if we don’t know the path and its pitfalls, we will never reach our goal, or even worse, we don’t realize our goal, our purpose. __________________________________________________________________________________
Love is a journey we all are blessed to experience. Few ever attain Love. Who so ever have attained love are all revered as Geniuses in their respective fields/domain by the world at large (Some lucky few are revered in their lifetime) and at an individual level they have found true happiness and companionship.
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Ego and Doubt are the main inhibiters in our journey towards love. Keep a keen eye out for them.
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Love is the only emotion that can bind us together. But we have been derailed, consistently.
Love’s offshoots (doubt, faith/hope, fear, remorse, disappointment, anger, ego) are weaponized by people seeking control, to garner followers in exchange of protection, prosperity, and false sense of control.
For Love in its truest form never discriminates, Love never seeks to control, Love never compares.
Love empowers us to do better for ourselves and others, Love enables us to seek things beyond our limits, Love familiarizes you with Freedom it is purest form.
We need to find our way back, we need to learn to identify these abusers and call them out. They are everywhere around, we are also one among them (as we are all silent), brushing away our responsibilities. This will need another blog to explain.
The focus above might seem to be at a collective, as in one’s journey towards love attracting many followers (one onto many or many onto one interaction). That might only be coz of my limited writing ability, vocabulary and an effort to steer clear of the generalized point of view towards “Love”, for love is all encompassing and infinite, in my view point. Hope I have conveyed my point of you across and done justice to my thoughts.
That said, the above is also true for love between two individuals. The journey is more probable between two individuals, than it is in the collective. Imagine you and your partner have let go of each-other’s Ego, where you have killed all scope of Doubt [addressing all issues without judgment] and resentment, and then you both have let go of the clutch that is the hardest of them all to let go of, Expectation. It is a continuous, tireless, at times might feel thankless pursuit [that’s when one needs to communicate, for silence/ignorance kills love]. But when you are together [sustained through communication] on this journey, it’s more fulfilling. Especially when you are Parents [in equal measure]. The journey towards Love is serene as companions.
The hardest of all is the journey of the one in unrequited love. Triggered by external stimulus, but can only be sustained by internal stimuli. One’s clarity and purity of thought is the only assured path to attainment. Clarity that there can be no expectation from the one we are in love with and this is a lonely path filled with ridicule and tearing questions by people witnessing your ‘Love’. Purity of thought is the hardest to sustain as the fight is with yourself, your self-esteem/pride, no matter how little and large an ego one carries, ego is the constant lever that triggers expectation, then invariably derailing your journey. I am not referring to our school, college crushes being sustained. I am referring to the journey of a Single Parent, a Patriot, a Priest, an Apostle, a Solder, an Activist, a Whistleblower, etc.
Which stage of love (My list) are you at?
What are the things or qualities you love?
Hope you embrace your Truth and help others to find their truth.
Hope you attain love.