Each time my mother is invited to a wedding, or she hears of a friend’s daughter or a family member getting married; we have The Talk.
The Talk usually starts with questions about my current situation in terms of boys and love. Sudanese mothers never believe there’s no one in your life and for some reason they always assume you’re trying to hide something. So they bring up that guy from work you once casually mentioned in a conversation. Or your friend’s handsome brother who once gave you a ride back home. Or that guy from school you were working with on a group project. Or that guy they once heard you speaking with over the phone 5 years ago (doesn’t matter what the topic of the conversation was, he could be a potential husband).
After going through the list of all the males in your life and being reassured that there is nothing going on with any of them, your mother will then proceed to the second stage of The Talk. In this stage your mother will try to push your buttons to squeeze as much information out of you as possible. Perhaps there is another male in your life that she does not know about. This is when she’ll remind you of that time you went out with your girlfriends to Ozone and came back one hour later than you said you would. It doesn’t matter that it was a high-school reunion and you met with friends you hadn’t seen in years, of course, you must have been with a guy. Or that one time she walked into your room at 1:00am and you were holding your phone and smiling at the screen. It doesn’t matter that you were watching videos of Key and Peele on Youtube, you seemed pleased, so of course you must have been messaging a guy. Or that one time you went out and came back with a new necklace around your neck. It doesn’t matter that it was your birthday and all your friends got you presents that day, it must have been a gift from a guy.
In this stage your Sudanese mother will give you the illusion that she’s just trying to have a friendly girl-to-girl chat with you, and she’ll tell you things like “it’s ok you can tell me, you don’t need to be shy.” or “I’m your mother but I’m also your friend, and I just want to know what’s going on so I can give you my advice”.
Ladies, DO NOT fall for this. If you somehow even hint at the possibility of having anything to do with a member of the opposite sex that exceeds a friendship, rest assured your mother will NEVER, and I repeat NEVER, let it go. Even simple comments about a guy’s appearance, intelligence or behavior will have him automatically categorized as a potential husband. So if you ever think about mentioning the fact that your friend Mohamed got a new haircut and looked really cute, think again. Or if you ever think about mentioning the fact that your coworker Ali is really nice and always helps you out with work, girl you better check yourself. Stop right there unless you want both Mohamed and Ali to be added to the long list of potential husbands. She will continue to bring up this person whenever the topic of marriage comes up and ask you when he’s going to marry you. She will even talk about potential wedding dates and suggest possible names for her future grandchildren. I have fallen for this trick several times when I was younger, and I still get questions about some guys I used to know 5 years ago.
Now, if you’re still standing firmly on your ground and you still insist that nothing is going on that she should be aware of, this is when things will get heated. On the third stage of The Talk, mothers will do the impossible to break through your wall. This is when the conversation becomes more aggressive, more one sided, accusations will be made, and you should definitely be well prepared to hear some insults about your behaviors and habits that are “getting in the way of you finding a husband”. This is when you’ll hear that you talk too much, and that you scare men away. Or that you don’t talk much, and men find you boring. You’ll hear that you go out too often, and that it has effected your reputation. Or you might hear that you never go out and that you’re too antisocial, you never give people the chance to get to know you. You might even hear that you’re too ambitious and only focused on your future, so men don’t see you as a potential wife because they don’t think you’re fit enough to start a family with. And don’t even try to say that it’s ok to be ambitious and focus on your goals, because that’s a battle you just can’t win. Your mother will simply hit you with a list of all the successful women history has ever known who were happily married with a family while also having a good career. Trust me, anything you say can, and will be, used against you.
However, if you somehow manage to make it through the third stage alive and breathing (with both legs and arms, and neck in place), then congratulations, it’s almost over. You’ve made it through the worst. From here, it gets easier, as your mother is probably tired by now and thinks you’re a hopeless case. Most likely, she’ll just accept her defeat and move on to your younger sister. Some mothers don’t give up though, and after they’ve failed to talk you into it with “sense”, Sudanese mothers will then proceed to use the one thing they know will get on your nerves. On the fourth and last stage of The Talk, they will desperately try to appeal to your emotions, manipulate you, guilt-trip you, and push you to your limits and boundaries. They want you to slip, and say something you will forever regret. Whatever you’re thinking about saying, at this stage the best thing you can do is to be quiet, as talking will usually restart the cycle and get you back to stage one. You don’t want that.
If you’ve made it this far, your mother has now probably somehow arrived at the conclusion that you’re just not interested in getting married, that the idea of kids disgusts you and that you’d rather die alone with nine stinky cats then get married. It doesn’t matter what you’ve actually said or what you actually think, at this point they genuinely believe that you just want to be single for the rest of your life and hook up with every random guy you meet, because you’re not responsible or committed enough to settle down. Keep in mind that by now your mother has already made up her mind, so nothing you can say or do will make a difference. She will manipulate your words and sentences, and at this point the goal is not to have a logical or rational conversation, but the goal is to make you look like the devil. She will want you to deny what she’s saying, so remember, don’t fall for it. Here your Sudanese mother will tell you how you’re going against culture, tradition and even religion by choosing not to get married. She’ll tell you that it’s a cruel world out there, and that we all need someone to lean on. She’ll tell you how happy she is with your father and how her life has changed to the better after she met him. Remember, your mother’s emotional manipulation skills are far greater than you could ever imagine, so whatever she says, don’t give in. Finally, your mother will conclude the conversation by telling you that by not getting married, you’re depriving her and your father of the one thing they want most; your happiness. Of course, that’s what this is all about. She’ll talk about life and how fast the clock is ticking, and how she would love to see her grandchildren being born into this world. Sometimes, your mother might even drop a tear or two in this stage, you know, for visual effects. Don’t even think about telling her that she’s only 42 and in great health with a long life ahead of her, because then you’re just asking for it. At this point, you just want to let things die out. The best thing to do now, is to slowly walk away, while she’s wiping off that fake tear on her cheek. This will leave her with two very important messages; 1) that even though the show was quite impressive and well deserving of a standing ovation, you didn’t fall for it, and that 2) you’re not getting married to that guy Khalid that works at your uncle’s firm.
Now my problem with this whole thing is that I’m tired. I’m tired of having this conversation over and over again, and of the fact that a woman’s success is measured by her marital status. It doesn’t matter how many countries you’ve visited or what kind of job or education you have, the first thing people will ask you about after not having seen you for a while, is when you’re getting married. I was recently in America, and something my parents were proudly announcing to everyone in the family was the fact that I met the president of the United States, Mr. Barack Obama and shook his hand. A couple of days ago I ran into a lady that is somehow related to us, and of course, I was happily telling her about my experience. She listened to my story (while checking her phone every once in a while), and after I finished, I kid you not, her first response was “so, did you find yourself a husband while you were there?”. This lady didn’t hear a word I said. The entire time I was talking, she was thinking about whether I was planning on getting married soon. Nothing of what I mentioned had grabbed her attention, or was worthy of her acknowledgment. I’m sorry mister president, even you were not important enough. It just makes me sad that this is the kind of message that is being sent to girls. No matter what we achieve, we’re still not good enough until we find a man to complete us.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely nothing against the idea of marriage, on the contrary, I think a happy marriage is one of the best things that can happen to anyone. I have a lot of married friends and family whom I admire, respect, and look up to. I love the idea of commitment and stability and having someone you can trust, and I believe as humans that’s what we all want at the end of the day, but I just don’t like how girls are being pressured by society to constantly be preying and hunting for a husband. Girls end up marrying men who have no respect or appreciation for them, just because they’re desperate to get approval. Marrying out of love is a wonderful thing, but marrying out of need, is not.
After all, when that special person comes along, you’ll know it. You’ll know you want to marry them not because you have to, or because you want to satisfy your family, but because they make you happy. Not because you need a man in your life to make you feel complete, but because you want this particular person around, and because you want to share your life with them.
