Weather the Storm

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I don’t want to exist anymore. But yet I keep doing it. Everyone who loves me will be fine eventually. Why can’t I just do it.

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He often times makes me wish I were dead instead. I’ve never been so hated by someone who swears they love me.

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“Wake me up when September ends” has never made much sense until these last 4 years. September fucking sucks and I just want to sleep and wake up in October. I hate remembering and reliving and hurting and crying.

Sometimes I just wish I’d never met him. I wish I could’ve saved him. I wish the pain would end. But most of all, I just really want him back.

I want to hold him one last time.

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Pls crave other things.

Addiction (and the cravings that come with it) are a bitch. I used to do it every day. Now it’s maybe one to three times a year. I’m okay. I appreciate your concern, though.

[outoftune-outofkey]

Craving another future scar rn

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I know I go through a lot of “I’m not gonna be here much longer” times in my life and I always look back on them and call myself a coward for not following through. But I do often feel like a complete waste of space and I do really want to no longer be alive, but I also know I’m not gonna actually do it. It probably isn’t cowardice, but it feels like it sometimes.

Basically, I’m big sad, I’m not doing anything to help it, I don’t wanna be alive, but I’m not doing anything about that either.

So here I am, existing against my will. I’m not even gonna remember what this is about when I look back on it later. Whatever.

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I keep a note on my phone of the reasons we shouldn’t be together. I add to it all the time. Why am I still here? Why do I tell myself I deserve this? Why am I always the villain?

The sane part of me knows this isn’t right and that I deserve better. But I don’t listen to that part and I keep going through this toxic relationship because a part of me believes I don’t really deserve anything better.

I just wish you actually loved me like you say you do. I wish you would love me the way I love you.

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I feel so alone all the time. I’m at my wits end.

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I started talking to my dad again a few months back. It was absolutely for selfish reasons and I didn’t care because he doesn’t deserve my attention at all. I realized that wasn’t healthy and blocked him again, but sometimes I still just want to hear his voice say “I love you baby” even though he fucked me and our entire family up.

A part of me wants to text him and tell him I never want to speak to him again and to stop sending the birthday/Christmas gifts, but I honestly love presents and he owes me so much more than a gift card or a fucking beanie once a year.

He really is a piece of shit. So why do I still want to talk to him?

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The latest episode of euphoria had me crying my eyes out because I was screaming at Cassie not to follow Nate out of the auditorium when he didn’t show a second thought about her.

(I get she’s upset, but my feelings are all about how we women constantly do this shit for dudes who obviously don’t give a fuck)

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Everyone says they’re there for me but seem so inconvenienced whenever I call. I don’t have a “person” or a “best friend” and at this point I’m starting to think I’m the bad guy. I just need to vent and let my emotions out but I can’t afford a therapist and I can’t just do it by myself.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone in my entire life.

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I just wish he actually loved me and cared about me the way he says he does. Actions speak way fucking louder. What a liar.

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No matter what we’ve gone through, no matter what fight we’ve gotten in, I cannot believe my sister would stab me in the back this way. It’s at least good to know where her priorities lie now.

Just in case you still follow me, fuck you Chelsea. You have no idea how much that hurt me.

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What is even the point anymore? Life is nothing but heartache with sporadic sprinkles of happiness randomly. Maybe it is all my fault. Maybe I am the villain. So shouldn’t I just end it? Everyone would be better off.

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I really think it’s time now. I think I’m finally ready to be free.

I’m ready for the pain to end.

[silence--girl]

[deathinfire-blog1]