A ghost from the past
charlieswann:
The silence was two things. Healing and intoxicating. There was nothing to be said when someone found out a good friend had died years ago and no one had told you, just like there was not a thing you could say to someone that lost his twin. It was just not possible. So instead of talking, of sobbing and screaming out loud. The two just sat there. Sharing their grief. Like they should have done from the beginning. Charlie never had someone to share his grief with. The moment Rose was gone, he was alone. He didn’t let anyone in. Didn’t want to let anyone in to the annoyance of his mom. Even if he would have called Gracie~ Would he have been able to let her in? He didn’t know. Why keep dwelling on something that never happened anyhow. Well, Charlie was a person that did that kind of shit in his free time. Not because he wanted to, but more because he couldn’t help himself. What if this~ What if that~ That were his biggest enemies if he would fall asleep. What if he would have been in time to save her. What if he would have gone with her to that stupid fucking party. What if he had called Gracie and she would have be there. Even before the girl had been in here he had thought about it. Not often. But in the bad nights. The one reliving the funeral. A memory almost as bad as him finding the lifeless body of his favorite person in the world. He thought about that shit a lot.
Thought about how he had missed that hand he could reach out for the moment he needed it the most. A hand that was not there because he was too stubborn to have called her. He was just so fucking scared back then. Scared for things that didn’t make sense at all like; would she still like me without Rose being around? But also things that made kind of sense, scared of her reaction seeing him. He was always able to laugh with her. To have a nice laugh and be kind of happy. No, to be happy. But with all that darkness that was inside him at that moment. He was just so scared of what she might have thought of him. Even though his image was pretty much crushed now…
Not just the tears and the empty eyes. No, he had fucked it up. He should have called her. Should have kept in touch. Should have made sure she knew and could have grieved with the rest of them. Now. Now he had done it. Made a girl that had amazing memories about the twins lose them both within minutes of being reunited. He truly was a bad friend. Always had been, and probably always will be…
Even though her arms kept sticking around his small frame. His chest heaving from the heartache he kept having over and over and over again. Even without puffy eyes and salty streams down his face, he would keep feeling this horribel horrible pain in his chest. Sebastian had checked it out. Doctors before him as well. Literally the only solution was a broken heart. The raspy words of the blinde hit his ears. As he got his head off of her. Looking at her own tear stained face. He owed it to her… He owed it to tell her. She ‘deserved’ to know. Just to find closure he never had the chance to get. “S-She~” It took him a second. A second of swallowing away the tears and the lump that had built up in his throat. Her own shoulders not heaving as much as seconds before. Her own eyes getting clearer. Whilst his tensed up. Even though it was good to actually tell it again. You had to clean a wound to make it heal properly. And healing meant getting the puss out yourself. “She made a huge mistake. And I made a bigger one Gracie. I’m so fucking stupid. She- She went to a party. But she had a new boyfriend from out of town. I did not like him. She asked me to come, but I wouldn’t if he would go… We fought. Like screaming and shouting and name calling and just being mad at each other ‘because I never liked her boyfriends and always was a buzzkill.’ But- But I should have followed her. B-Before I knew~” Even though seconds ago he thought his eyes were emptied, not a single tear left. They started streaming down his face again. “Before I knew I hear my phone. Six missed calls. Twenty texts, most of them asking if I would come anyhow. But the latest ‘SOS’ she had sent me that once before and that was when she broke her leg when we went camping and couldn’t walk back. She only sent that when she was in desperate need of help. The feeling I had that whole night finally made sense. She wasn’t safe so I felt that…”
“The- The fucking bastard raped her, probably after he had hit her unconscious~ The- The police man said he might even had killed her before doing anything else. But in the end she had just bled out. Alone. On the cold leaf ridden ground… Alone because I didn’t go with her. Because I wasn’t there to protect her. Because I didn’t find her quick enough to call an ambulance.” The police had to pull him off. Had to calm him down. Had to get him off the dead body three times before they got him in the police car and locked the doors. Before they could investigate about what happened.
As Charlie talked, Gracie’s entire body slowly went numb. One by one, part by part: legs, arms, chest, her back going limp and gently slamming against the wall, and finally, her eyes gradually shutting as he mentioned the rape, the murder, the beating. Eyes burning. Tears streaming down as if someone had left a tap unattended in each of Gracie’s bloodshot hazel eyes. How? Why? Who? Who would do this to Rose? How did nobody get to her in time? Why was I told just now? Soon enough, her eyes forgot to see. Her tears took control, swelling and taking any faith in humanity she had left in her eyes down to the floor where they dripped steadily. She stared into nothingness. She forgot about Charlie. For the first time in Gracie’s life, she forgot about anything and anyone. But not quite. Not forgetting the mental image now plastered in Gracie’s face of what Charlie had just narrated to her. God, she could see it so clearly. She wished she couldn’t. It was burned into her eyes as she kept seemingly staring at the wall. Death alone was a new concept to Gracie. This kind of death was a whole new universe. A dark one. A scary one. One she wished she’d never asked about. The shuffling sound from someone beside her snapped her out of the trance. Her body was frozen, she couldn’t move. But she regained her vision, somewhat. She gulped, but her mouth was parched.
Slowly, holding herself up was becoming too much work. Gracie sank into Charlie, still staring at the same patch of wall she’d been fixated on for the past couple of minutes hours. Somehow, she found comfort in him. He’s been through worse, she reminded herself, trying to stay somewhat grounded. Trying to maintain her sanity. He’s had it so much worse. She knew he did. She knew that was why he didn’t call. Although she hoped to the heavens he would’ve. No, scratch that. She hoped she was there. Here, her mind began going crazy. What if she’d been there? Don’t be stupid, Gracie. You never went to parties back then anyway. You wouldn’t have helped. Snap out of it. She could tell this was how Charlie was thinking.
Blaming himself. For not being there. For not calling me. Gracie, with all her terror and confusion, couldn’t find it in her to blame him. For anything. He was broken, shattered, and could barely take care of himself. She shouldn’t expect him to take care of her. Things are never about you, Gracie, they never were. They never will be. He’s hurting, and you can’t just think about yourself. Don’t be stupid, Gracie. What use would you have been? A shoulder to cry on? Well, there’s fourteen billion of those. Snap out of it.
Gracie’s senses slowly came back to her. She could feel Charlie’s warmth radiating into her, somehow bringing her back to reality. She could hear his heartbeat, matching her own rapid drumming. She needed to talk. To say something. She’d sat like this for about five minutes now - doing nothing, just staring. At least, that’s what it seemed like from the outside. Her brain was flying in all directions, thinking a hundred thoughts - bringing her to think that maybe the numbness of her mouth was a good thing because she wanted to say too many things at once anyway. “Not your fault,” she murmured, in a voice barely even she could hear. “None of this was your fault,” she managed to say in a half-whisper. “She goes to parties all the time, Charlie. With- with random guys. It- you couldn’t have known. Just like... I didn’t...” she couldn’t help but let out that last remark. It wasn’t his fault. But it wasn’t hers either. She had the right to know, goddamnit. But she had no one to blame. So she let it go. Like she’s learned to let go of things people were supposed to do for her her entire life. Everyone was disappointing, anyway. She’d learned to accept it. “The only one to blame is the - him. No one else. He was - he did it, Charlie. You didn’t.” she managed one last sentence before she let her head sink back into his chest, unaware of anything still, except for the wall she couldn’t take her eyes off of. She tried to smile. Charlie needed a smile right now. She tried again. Her mouth just twitched in weird ways. She gave up. She just wanted to know one last thing. Gracie just wanted one more form of closure. Two possible answers. Her eyes flashed white with anger at the thought of one of them. What if... She shook the thought off. Surely, some part of this horrific event must’ve been redeemed. It had to be. Why did Gracie keep asking questions she couldn’t handle the answers of? Nevertheless, she prepped her numb lips for one last task. Just one more thing, she told herself. Then she’ll try to forget about this.
“Was the killer caught? What did they do to him?” she said and hoped Charlie could understand her through broken syllables. Her eyes were still glued to the wall. She had to tense her jaw for it not to chatter itself into a powder. She tried to prepare herself for Charlie’s answer, not knowing what on God’s Earth she’d do if he said “no”. If the real person to blame was still roaming free. Gracie didn’t want to imagine, but she had to. The chipped bits of the wall had now been burned into Gracie’s eye, slowly replacing the horrific image her brain had created of Rose’s last moments.