Fire @overanalize - Tumblr Blog

Hello and welcome to my ted talk.

I am Mikala Coleman and today I’m going to explain why insecurity is your worst enemy. Take me for instance, I am very insecure. It shows In many different ways in my relationship. Where do i begin. Well I often question if i am good enough for a relationship and often ponder who i was before this relationship and wonder if that’s who i was meant to be. If i am just a girl who likes to fuck just to fuck or if I’m a girl who likes one person to consistently have. As I’ve felt this for the past 8 months, I often ponder why i am scared to tell him about my past, i guess i fear he will judge me. Although I’ve never judged him, so what would give him the right? Another example i often overthink is the fact that he has found interest in many girls before me, and if we are together because he settled with someone who liked him back or are we actually meant to be. What if it could be any other girl? What makes me so special? I often think about all the girls that he’s friends with. Does he ever think about them the way he thinks about me? Do they think about him? I wonder. There’s no answer because that is just insecurity talking. None of it is true. He loves me and i love him and this is where we are supposed to be right now because this is what we, god and the universe chose so why question it? Of course I’m good enough. Of course I’m the best hes ever had and the best he will ever have, and I know that if we were ever to part, which i hope we don’t, that I loved him to the best of my ability and no one can love him the way I did. The way I love him is selfish, although. I often think his time is my time. It doesn’t work that way, that might also be the insecurity that also just might be me being needy. I’m not sure if being needy come from insecurity, it might. Either way, i need not to be insecure but know that I’m better than good and that i deserve love and that’s what I’ve got. I hope my examples help. Take my advice if you see yourself often questioning yourself instead of patting yourself on the back.

11-13-19

IM A FUCKING IDIOT

Hey tumblr I’m back and I want my suffering to end. ;) so today me and my boyfriend got in a large .. fight? Disagreement? Pity fest? I don’t know. Idk what it was and i don’t know what to do about it. I’m so sick of feeling like shit. Are we in the honeymoon phase or not? I feel like i can’t even look at him. I’m just trying to sort my thoughts. How am i supposed to spend time with someone who doesn’t want to spend time with me? Why would you go places you’re unwanted? Why do you want to be somewhere where they don’t want you. Days are so fucking long. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve noticed I’ve lost touch with myself and i want to get it back. I guess this is why people complain about being in relationships. You lose yourself or don’t have the chance to find yourself. Why is this so hard. Why does it have to be so hard to understand eachother. Why are there emotions other than love. Why do i have to feel like this. I’m so anxious. I want him in my life forever but i also just want him to leave me alone. I hate him but i love him. i wanna punch myself but then i wanna reward myself. I hate this feeling. I’ve never felt anything like this. At the same time i have cramps. He said i was clingy. What am i supposed to do with that. 6 months for what. How at 6 months can we have these problems and expect to last for the rest of our lives. Do all relationships feel like this? Do other people endure this and then get married? Or do these types of things crash and burn. I want to be better and i want him to be better. How do you get better when you don’t want better. I’m literally going nuts and i guess all i have to say in conclusion is relationships are a trap and they grab your little feelings twist them until they pop and you’re crying and you and you significant other are no longer on the same wave length. Thanks

9-18-19

Hello blog boiz

I haven’t written here in A while and it’s not because I’m too busy nor do I have anything to write about. It’s because I like for each of my post to have a meeting and a promise that either I will change or that this thing that I am writing about will help me grow. Sadly for some reason I feel like I have no room to grow. I feel like life is going slowly and nothing drastic, where I have to change now, is happening. I’m doing well and most of the aspects of my life. I wanted to write about graduating but, I didn’t feel like I was growing. I feel like I’m going backwards. There was no lesson. It just felt like it was over. I want to write about my relationship but, I feel like I’m doing all I can do and there’s not much place to grow. I feel like relationships do have their ups and downs and I can try my best to be a better girlfriend but at the end of the day it’s a two-way street and I can’t put myself on the spot. I started college and I guess I could write about that. I can talk about how I feel but I don’t understand my emotions or what their motives are. I can talk about my family but I kind of avoid them. I can’t tell if I’m in a place of limbo or this is a bad place. All I’m saying is I still want to write but want to give you a deposition and I’m just not growing, I’m just staying the same. And sometimes that’s OK to be comfortable. But at some point I want to get up and tell you guys something valuable, hopefully I can do that soon. I do have things that I want to say but they have not developed enough for me to right about it and give a deposition. Just give me some time and I’ll be back with some new stuff.

10 -3-19

I had a dream ....

So i have a friend and she invited a bunch of us out to Charleston ( i don't even know if that's a real place) to stay at a hotel for a couple nights. so we all are going on a road trip with a bunch of rich people then a few people from our high school. for awhile i was sitting on the floor cuz i thought it was a 8 seater but there was more SEATS. we passed the strip and got pounds and pounds of weed, a ridiculous amount. then we get the hotel and we are with a bunch of celebrities and there was 2 people from that's so random or sunny with a chance (the show with Demi Lovato) and they were hanging out in the elevator with us and all the other celebrities got out and they were still hanging out with us and i was like damn they look the same from the show and act the same. so we were waiting to go into our room and we are in the lobby and we were trying to get my boyfriend to open this stroller for my friends little sister and he couldn't do it so i had to do it and the stroller was really FAT. so we go to the room and there's like 15 beds and all the couples are sharing or the best friends so i go to the bathroom to put on my pajamas and i come back and my other friend is in the bed with my boyfriend and she's touching his boobs and I'm like ????? Get out? And she's like I'm sleeping here and i looked at My boyfriend and he was like 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️ then i woke up

Spoookabeee

Okay people I’m back with nothing serious to talk about i guess it’s just a complaint. Movies these days. Not just any movies. Scary movies. I love scary it’s movies they’re my favorite, its kinda how i was raised. Movies growing up were terrifying we got the ring, Freddy Kruger, drag me to hell, paranormal activity, childs play. So many movies i remember as a child. Directors these days kinda base their views on older movies or world problems now. It’s very hard these days to find a scary movie with an actual plot or a good plot at that. These days horror films live for the scary and not so much the plot. They like the suspense but don’t realize now they’re just thrillers with no plots. Now there’s no thrill just the confusion of where this is going OOP something fell off the shelf 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️ . We love to feel what the characters feel and have a connection. It’s important to make characters we either relate to or sympathize. Scary movies these days also like to make it so it’s more realistic and rarely ever have a monster or ghost or ghoul anymore. They turn around and become a person with a disability or mental disorder or someone just flipping the switch and turning out to be crazy. Or it’s the person themselves the whole time or the whole world. In scary movies we are scared of the unknown and what we can’t explain and they just don’t make those anymore. I’ve been on the hunt for something actually scary and i found this show on Netflix called the Haunting of the hill house and i love it. It’s actually scary, it has a plot and a story line and the more it goes on the more you gasp but they also have the ghosts and monsters and the house you can’t explain what’s wrong or who these people are you just have to keep watching to understand. I’ve been looking for movies like this. The last scary movies i saw were Greta, Ma, Delirium, Us and the new child’s play. And they all in the end are just disturbed people and it just makes you realize that people are out of touch with reality. I love the new child’s play don’t get me wrong but they lost the plot where it is a man trying to get out of the dolls body. That’s the best part. That’s what keeps the movies going. There’s nothing wrong with switching the flip and making them realistic i didn’t like demons and ghosts for the longest time and liked that this is what we were getting but everyone stopped being scared of scary movies, and i just want to bring that back. Thanks Haunting of the hill house and American horror story. And thanks for listening to my rant about scary movies see ya soon 👋🏽

7-3-19

Real ass team give a fuck bout a fake one

Okay it’s a little weird to get political but I’m gonna talk about segregation and racism and psychology rn. First off, i was watching this movie about Chicago or something and it was a scary movie but my sister said something about how black people put eachother on levels and pedestals and she’s completely right and i feel like this happened because white people put us so low but we all looked at eachother and knew our worth and said “idk bout them but i know i don’t deserve this ” and that’s how they feel, even though they’re already being put down. That being said,you know “light skins” think they’re high and mighty because they’re lighter and closer skinned to white men. And my friend pointed this out too, people think when you’re mixed or mixed with something lighter than your own race you’re prettier. “Mixed babies” they say. Anyways black people, they put eachother on pedestals and it’s like constant competition. As a black woman i love black men. I never grew up where it was okay to date the black boys, so i never did.the white girls dated the black boys. Also black men and black women fight all the time too. They talk about the worth of the other one or what a lady or man of another race has “got on them”. That’s sick, we should be there for all genders within our race. Anyway i come from a place where black people are not as prominent as white and Asian. the black people in my neighborhood aren’t “ghetto” as some would say, although, i don’t think black people are necessarily ghetto, that’s not our “culture”. So back to what i was saying, i think it’s weird how different tones skins in my own race are pinned against eachother. Who has better hair? Who has a bigger butt? Lighter skin? Freckles? Lips? Music? Rhythm in dancing? How hard you act? All just bullshit to me. It just makes us look like what society wants us to look like. They paint a picture of what the black man should like in today’s world and we are all too sheep-minded to defy it. Sure we got our rappers looking different. Our actors looking different. Singers. But they still only put us in for their demographic and carry on, when they don’t look racist. Who’s “they”? The media, society, the government. Moral of all this is we need to stick together as a race and come up 10x harder than they depict us because I’m tired of being told i can’t do something because of the color of my skin or feeling like there’s people i can’t talk to or date because of how i grew up. Stop being scared to talk about this too. I’m black and I’m happy I’m black and i think I’m beautiful enough to do anything and no i don’t think i look like Obama’s daughter- fuck off.

4-25-18

Took a bit of a turn thereee but we’re back

Okay so i just reposted the guy that i liked one of my first posts “my crush”? Okay I’m dating him HA THATS so crazy how shit works out, anyway- i was thinking i have a lot of problems and he doesn’t deserve my problems so what i can do to give him a normal relationship is just to chill the fuck out. He’s chillin, he’s happy. So why am i so irregular? I think I’m bipolar in all honesty but I’m pretty good at self control. But let me list the things I’m doing wrong so i can sort them out.

🍤I ask questions i already know the answer to see if he will tell me what i want to hear. He won’t he’s very honest.

🍅I’ll tell him what I’m insecure about to see if he will make me feel better about it. Normally he does.

🍘I get annoyed when he’s friends are around but they’re my friends too so what’s my problem

🍭I complain about my problems all the time and he listens but why do i complain so much

🥟If he says something i know i will get uncomfortable about later on or overthink i make it known that it annoyed me in petty ways like not hold his hand or walk far from him or get very quiet

🍩I talk about sex SOOOO much. Idk what’s up with me and sex i have a huge sex drive.

🍆I tell everyone we are gonna get married.

So here’s how i can change

🍤tell him how i feel without expecting him to elaborate on it

🍅accept my flaws and better myself so he won’t have to “tell me I’m pretty”

🍘embrace it when we are alone and enjoy our friends company. Be happy we’re all here

🍭live in the moment and learn when to move on

🥟let him know what upsets me and what doesn’t. Exactly tell him how i feel and don’t expect him to elaborate. I just want cooperation. Or just know why it makes me uncomfortable.

🍩slowly get him used to the idea of sex. Don’t talk about it randomly, don’t be scared to touch the subject

🍆stop telling people about our future, live in the moment and love him now. That’s how our love will grow.

Now that it’s sorted I’m going to practice. I want to make him happy and i never want him to be uncomfortable or unhappy. So i can be better.

4-24-18

overanalize

My crush

I think it’s about time i bring relationships into this bih. I’ll keep this brief ‘cause honestly i have something to say about relationships and crushes all the time. this crush that i have right now is different because when he tried to get at me a year ago i wouldn’t let him ‘cause my friend liked him and i felt bad ‘cause i wanted them to get together. But he’s such a good guy and now she has a boyfriend and me and him are both single. but, when he flirts with me I’m not always sure if he’s being genuine because i don’t know how many girls he’s actually speaking to ‘cause he used to flex on me on that shit. How he had girls talk to him. All these things are making me insecure when i have no reason? Normally I’ll have a lesson in these so here’s my lesson in this one. Make your move. Don’t wait because excuses are just things to make up for procrastinating and getting in the way and holding you back. My friend was just an excuse honestly and i wanna give someone the world and he deserves it. I was trying to be a good friend but why did that have to get in the way of my happiness when i deserve it too and if she could move on, i could move on too? Don’t stop yourself from being happy no matter what the case may be.

5-25-18

Big Ol’ Giant In A Big Ft. @RUOK

I’m just gonna go off about this thing that irritates me: when people ask “are you okay?” Like for some reason my instant reaction is “fuck you, Bitch”. Let me give you a couple of scenarios. Say I’m sitting and i haven’t been talking for a second or smiling much and I’m just chillin. “Are you okay” my chest gets riled up and my instant reaction in my head is why wouldn’t I be okay? Like why would you ask me that, you’re weird. Let’s say I’ve just encountered something that really pissed me off and i sit there and I’m just thinking. When someone asks me if I’m okay i get even more pissed off. Am i supposed to say yes? I’m okay? Because I’m not but so if i say no you’ll want me to talk about it! And i don’t like talking about how I feel unless it’s love. I’ll always explain situation and get hyped up but I’ll never be able to explain how I feel to someone unless I know they know the feeling. How about we say I’m in a great mood and I’m minding my own business and someone says are you okay? That’ll ruin my mood so quick. Like what do you mean am I okay? annoying. I don’t understand why I’m so irritable and I felt like I should put this random pet peeve into words to help me sort my thoughts. I have this blog to help me grow and help the world to see through my eyes. I wish I wasn’t so irritable. I wish I could just easily say when I’m mad and when I am not. Since that’s probably not going to happen, I wish people would understand that if something was wrong I wouldn’t want to express it so why ask. If I needed to talk, I would . And I do talk, when needed. I don’t have lots of opinions about things. I don’t get angry about much. I’m rarely ever sad anymore. So why do people ask. But the real question is: why am I so irritable. Tune in on another post later on in life when i figure that out.

Daddy chill :/

Today I wanna talk about calming down. How does one calm down. People don’t really understand calming down. Or how to calm themselves down. Winding down at the end of the night. Not over analyzing everything. Not reacting to every situation. Not always asking questions. Now I am a victim of the riling up too and I’ll blame my ADHD but let’s be honest, it’s fun to over react i guess. When you get hot tea. When your crush text you. When someone criticizes something you believe in. When your biggest pet peeve is happening on repeat. But at the end of the day you think back and ask yourself why’d you act like that and then you’re continuing to not be calm because now you’re over analyzing it. I’m not saying reacting is bad or speaking your mind is bad, I’m all about it. But people fail to realize when things are not that deep. again I’m a victim of this. My name is literally overanalize. But as I continue to grow as a person, I realize when something isn’t worth it. And when it is. I know when i should be calm and when i should deal with it. When something will manifest or when it is just a little bump in the road. We could all remember a time when we over reacted and turned something into something it wasn’t. But we should learn from those times and know our worth as people. Basically what I’m trying to get across is we should all sit back and truly think and not just act especially when angry. We channel lots of energy into negative energy. If we can diminish our energy though and our time and energy into things that will get us ahead then we can prosper as people. Basically just calm down and focus. Breathe. You don’t have to meditate or self medicate. Just breathe. And rest.

How can I be of your assistance today? :)

Catering. The older i get the more I realize you cannot please anyone and I’d like to practice only doing things for myself. I can’t hang out with one person, they get mad. I can’t afford to do something, someone’s mad. I can’t pay for someone, someone’s mad. I can’t go out, because I have homework someone’s mad. I chose boys over my friends and they’ll get mad. I’m understanding when they like a boy and i understand they wanna make it work and that will put friendships aside for awhile. I understand when someone just wants to be alone. When someone just wants to sleep. When they want a break from their phone. When they want a break from me. As i get older, I wanna learn how to be okay without everyone texting me. When my phones dry. When i don’t have 20 texts just sitting there.waiting for me to reply. just to be in my solitude which is why i have the tattoo because no one has my back more than myself. No one can cater to me as much as i can cater to myself. No one can scratch my back when it itches or rub my back 24/7 when i feel sick. I have to do it myself. You cannot make EVERYONE happy on your own and i need to learn how to live like that.i need myself to be okay and well rested and happy before others. I need to put myself first. Sickness and in health. So do you. Take this as a lesson. I- someone who cares too much about others and what they think- am sick of taking care of other people because they don’t care about me or how i feel or what i want to do. People love getting things out of their relationships. no one wants to be friends just because they like someone for who they are. They like people who care about them, spot them when they’re down, accompany them to leave the house and to listen to their problems about other people who don’t care about their feelings. Like people for them and not for what they can give you. And thats how you get better relationships, that you stay happy in. Don’t have expectations, just go with the flow. That’s the only way you’ll be happy.

Bring Me The Essential Oils, Bud

Over analyze- indeed i do. Idk if it’s the ADHD or my psychosis or my anxiety. Or maybe it’s all of it. Or maybe that’s just my personality. Idk yet I’ll keep y’all posted on my mental health lmao. I feel like people always talk about their mental health. But i- a person who’s mind is running 100 miles a minute - can’t seem to slow down and stop thinking so much. Last night, i went out to dinner and i tried to make conversation but my initial punch lines are tell me a secret or tell me something interesting about yourself or how was your day. Last night i was like hey any complaints and my friend was like why do you want us to complain and that threw off my WHOLE vibe I’ve been over analyzing and overthinking that she said that for hours it was LAST NIGHT and i can’t forget it, it’s still bothering me. Maybe it’s because the guy i want a relationship with was right there next to her and her and him both make me anxious so i was already anxious and now i feel like i said something wrong and she probably doesn’t even remember i said that. No one even talked about it after i explained why i wanted a complaint. You see? I’m over analyzing this. I over analyze everything and it sets me up for failure. I missed out on that job. I’m waiting around for a boy to talk to me about my own feelings. I have a hatred towards my own friends.Im friends with people who don’t actually care about me. I’m having sex with people i don’t actually like or have feelings for. I’ve had the same bed sheets for awhile. I just over think everything. It’d be a miricale if i finally got up and did something different for myself or got rid of the toxicity in my life. and just had pure happiness. I want that but I’m making babysteps. When a problem is at hand, I’ll solve it. And reason with myself. But i haven’t dealt with the problems i already have. I promise you and myself ima forget about the dinner over an incense, get some help and sort out my issues in hopes i have pure happiness in my solitude.

destinyrush

Video shows Maryland cops REPEATEDLY pepper spray 15-year-old honor roll student.

5 ft 105 lbs girl, whose name has not been officially released yet, was brutalized by Hagerstown police after she on her bike was hit by a car, but refused medical assistance.

Her family’s attorney says that when police arrived, they grabbed the little girl, lifted her hands above her head and slammed her face into a wall.

“They slammed her against a wall, arrested her for refusing treatment, maced her 4 times in the police car while handcuffed, and took her to the police station instead of the hospital.”

She was put in the car, which is when a bystander began filming the incident. The video shows the 15-year-old with her hands handcuffed behind her back kicking at the police car door and later a cop is heard saying: “Put your feet in, or you’re going to get sprayed!” Officer proceeds to pepper spray her a few times.

The girl can be heard screaming: “I can’t breathe!”

The girl was only taken to hospital when she was released to her parents.

Three hours after being pepper sprayed she was finally able to wash her eyes.

She is now charged with disorderly conduct, two counts of second-degree assault, possession of marijuana and failure to obey a traffic device.

#BlackLivesMatter #StopPoliceViolence

#StayWoke

imnimnm-deactivated20170228

this is where I live and there’s nothing on the news about it

candystrippers-deactivated20190

This is torture. They tortured her for fucking fun.

jennikeatts

just keep in mind they took Dylan Roof into custody wearing a bullet proof vest to protect him from anyone that may try to kill him THEN they bought him Burger King to eat after the arrest.

But this is how they treat an innocent child.

black-flag-black-denim

This is why we don’t care, or even celebrate, when cops get killed. I have no sympathy for these people.

audrey-hepbae

I don’t care that she is an honor student. I care that she’s a child who deserves safety and justice.

kurtwagnermorelikekurtwagnerd

this post doesn’t mention that the reason the cops were on the scene is because she had been HIT BY A CAR.

himboprince

Omfg

wHy ArE yoU eViL

Okay so this is a long story but the moral is gonna be super dope and hopefully common sense to you guys. So my friend makes this merchandise for like kpop, right? And she was selling at one of the biggest anime conventions in our hometown ( Vegas ) and i was helping her sell things and so was our other friend. So back track a little i have a coworker and we hang out outside of work so i Met her friend and I’ve been tryna get @ him since they came to my Halloween party. So fast forward they come to this convention and things are going well with him but my friend,the one who is the artist of the merch, is acting a little weird ( as usual when she’s in a different environment ). We all went to dinner but they couldn’t seat us all because there was so many of us, my friend and the guy and their group leave. So since they’re not with us, i start blabbing about how much i like this guy and how awesome he is over dinner.So the next day we are all standing around talking and then one of my friends who was at the dinner said “who did you think was cute?” Knowing the guy i think is cute is right behind me. Then my second friend eggs it on and says right to our faces that he should buy me something from her table and my third friend point in his face and says oh you think he’s cute? Obviously I’m gonna be embarrassed but not only that! Disrespected or just like why do my friends have to be kids. Getting to the point they didn’t really apologize or realize what they did. And me and this guy are cool asf but it was still mean.i know it was deliberate. Maybe not planned but it was pretty mean. Getting to the moral, can we all just be good people. Like don’t do things deliberately and to hurt other people. Luckily i was able to fix up whatever weird mess they made. And me and the guy are super cool. But they did it to hurt me obviously. Because they thought what wasn’t their problem, was funny. Because they weren’t the ones “getting embarrassed” it was funny. It wasn’t just in front of him! It was in front of him and i’s friends and in front of the rest of the convention. Her customers! More of my friends. Just be good people and don’t do things out of the randomness in your mind. Think with your feelings and put yourself in other people shoes.

11-24-18

positivelypositivequotes

R I S V C P

Alright I’m back with another banger y’all. Today I’m gonna go on about respect for your significant other! For some reason, I’ve been seeing a lot of couples around and not only that but seeing a lot of guys goin buck on their women?? Like DISGUSTING. R e s p e c t is KEY I’m so sick of this. Yesterday I was walking to my car passing the Halloween store and there was a man yelling at his girlfriend/wife and he was just going off in her face, probably spitting, telling her that she was annoying or wrong for what she wanted to do for Halloween? Everytime she tried to talk he would yell over her and tell her she was wrong. Parents were rushing their kids through the parking lot so they wouldn’t have to see this shit. Yesterday, around the same time, the Ross right next door, there was a couple and the girl wanted to buy some nice winter things but it was like everything was a problem with him! She wanted to look at things and he was just like yelling then she would get upset that he was upset so he would be like (eye roll) “nah dude I’m not mad i just-“ BLAH BLAH BLAH MORE YELLING! Telling her the stuff she got was useless or ugly or he didn’t like it. I noticed she was lookin at him crazy like this was abnormal for him, like he was just acting out cuz they were in public. moral of the story lots of couples are like this these days and I’m so sick of it. Going off on your girl, let alone in public?? So annoying and disrespectful . i need these boys to have respect for a queen! You’re lucky if she stays bro. I’m gonna say something next time. I’m always scared they’re gonna rage and attack me but at this point, I don’t care, I’m ready to buck up honestly. I’ll start swinging, family. It makes me not want to be in a relationship. it makes me want to be alone afraid that someone will think they can just run over me. I’ll always stick up for myself. I have a friend who is a believer that if a girl hits a guy, he can defend himself. And okay maybe the girl shouldn’t hit him to begin with? But he needs to respect her especially if she didn’t hit him out of anger. Idk man, who are men people becoming? Moral of the story. Men respect your women! You make me angry!

10-27-18

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