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fuck you eat bread

@kurtwagnermorelikekurtwagnerd

hi im xander and if you need anything it's probably in my drag bag 27 year old bi trans guy he/him pronouns snapchat: sendcaffeine ig:sendcaffeineplz drag insta @plutovonstrapp icon by @coutureicons

342.9K posts

so. i do this thing where i wake up still half-asleep, write a note in my phone, and then fall back asleep and forget about it completely until i find the note later.

and i need to show you all some of these because ?????

Incorrect sayings that I use so often I’ve almost forgotten that they’re not the originals:

I have bigger fish to fight

We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it

You can lead a horse to water, but if you drown it you have to walk home

Opening a can of whales

You made your bed, now shit in it

Combining the latter two into the phrase “you opened this can of whales, now lie in it”

pies-in-the-skies

me: truly a well crafted tragedy is such a bittersweet pleasure to take in and serves a purpose, not just as a sad story but as a reminder that even that which ends badly might not have happened in vain or for nothing. The love, the grief, the actions still meant something simply for having taken place and for us partaking in it.

me when said tragedy is about to actually unfold, sweating: ok but consider this. i dont want this to happen

emperor kuzco was clearly gay

hes 19, with unlimited power, and he ain’t got a gf. the only time we see him interact with any women his own age is when he’s rejecting like 7 of them rapid fire. he pretends to date pacha in a gag that lasts like 10 solid minutes. listen to me god damnit

Okay, but just in case anyone is coming to tumblr dot com for my hot takes on 20+ year old kids' movies: Kuzco super WAS gay (or at least coded as such) and of course, I didn't get it until I watched it as a gay grownup.

He is played obviously camp and dramatic, for a start, and there is the aforementioned "hate your hair/not likely/yikes yikes yikes/let me guess you have a great personality" summary dismissal of all his potential brides. Then he spends dinner asking Yzma about Kronk ("so he seems nice? He's what, in his late twenties?") and otherwise being slightly obsessed with him.

Then there is the whole Adventure of Doom with Pacha, him being ever huffy about the Kiss of Life, and then the restaurant gag where Kuzco takes to playing Pacha's fake wife and dressing up in ladies' clothing with great gusto (reinforced by the waitress' "bless you for coming out in public" remark when Pacha says they're on their honeymoon). Then when he is finally de-llamafied, we don't see him paired off with the obligatory girl from the lineup earlier, as might otherwise be expected in a Disney movie. Instead he is still single, but goes to found family it up with Pacha, Chica, Kronk, etc, which dare we remark is a very queer trope.

In short, I have no idea how a Disney movie with no white people (all the characters are Indigenous/people of color), a gay king, cross-dressing jokes, and the most offbeat plot of all time actually ever got made (can you imagine the Family Friendly Mouse doing that today? Let us also talk about Kronk because he is a brilliant deconstruction of both toxic masculinity and the musclebound henchman stereotype.) Other than that this was the Chaos Hour of animated movies in the late 90s/early 2000s, and yes.

So yes. There you have it. I will not be taking criticism at this time.

In response to the question “How did a movie like this get made at all much less by fucking Disney?” there was a recent Vulture article that outlines the whole shit show of a history behind this film according to everyone (writers, directors, VAs, Stings) involved. The gist of the story is that they fucked up making a whole, true-to-form Disney musical that never came to see the light of day SO BADLY that Disney switched directors, locked the writer’s room, and didn’t review a single script until weeks after the film was in theaters.

Please, read this article if you have some time. This story is wild, and involves directors being pitted against each other Bake-Off style and a shockingly intimate documentary created by the wife of Sting who, himself was heartbroken by the decimation of the songs he wrote for the film including cutting a fantastic Yzma villain song sung by Eartha Kitt that is SO DAMN GOOD but would not ever have fit the more nailed-down Yzma we would eventually come to know and love. It’s so catchy though, I’m doubling up on calls to action but please listen now:

theterriblethingabouttulio

holy shit read the article. it’s worth it and completely batshit

This is fucking insane

brightlotusmoon

I've never adequately appreciated the batshit brilliance of this joke, I've taken it for granted

worldheritageposts-official

World Heritage Post

some-kind-of-robot

Favorite trope from real life experiences

strawberry-crocodile

ill be real the "poly people are uglyyy" thing just feels like cope? like theyre in a polycule. they have directly proven that multiple people find them hot enough to want to be in a relationship, often sexual, with. you have what? one single Monogamous Jessica, and you're terrified she'll leave you as soon as she sees a rooster with bigger tail feathers?

strawberry-crocodile

we have a winner folks, @some-stars got it in one

pangur-and-grim

it's amazing that I got to see him on his first day of being alive. and now he's in my home, biting my foot!

pangur-and-grim

he was also fuzzy! here he is at 4 week old, fully furred:

then at 6 weeks, you can see his fur is thinning:

by 8 weeks, nudity had set in:

and by the time I brought him home, he was entirely a pink raw chicken:

after they lose the kitten coat, the adult coat starts growing in, but it can take up to 1.5 years! eventually, he will be as fluffy as his mom

pangur-and-grim

and then he stayed bald

god i love pride and prejudice. the mortifying ordeal of your family finding out that you actually love that one asshole you made everyone in the family dislike

IDK it pisses me off the way people act like murderers are some sort of great puzzle to be solved when 90% of the time its literally just a boring freak that hates women

The best trope is Character who is Never Angry Gets Angry because you knowwww they got that shit stored up in a little jar that’s waiting to burst.

retroactivebakeries

poor sinkdog's gotta have like the worst back pain in the world. terrible posture.

retroactivebakeries

christ this is going to haunt me

escuerzoresucitado

epicsause-official

i recently found out what the * * * that sometimes separates parts of a text is called and youre never gonna fucking believe it