Some Girl's Diary

isn't it obvious?

[animalsnaps]

parked car conversations are lowkey unofficial therapy sessions

@therelatabletexts (via therelatabletexts)

[dearmyblank]

Dear Universe,

I know you’re saying something, I just can’t understand what.

Can you please be a little clearer? 

Sincerely,

Trying to understand, but the Universe-to-Earth reception is really, REALLY bad

[just-cat-memes]

[overthinker10]

That's all I wanted, Z. Still waiting to see if you'll ever figure it out.

[dearmyblank]

Dear the boy with the blue eyes,

So guess what?

I met someone new. Someone who seems interested in me. Someone who kept the conversation going, and walked with me to the parking lot.

I still have feelings for you. How could I not? But I’m hoping that he’ll have the power to change that. I’m hoping he’ll have the power to love me the way you never did.

-The girl who is quite possibly in love with you (and no longer wants to be)

[overthinker10]

I remember feeling this way, it worked for a while until I saw his flaws and broke and let Z back into my life. I've never stopped loving him. I've never stopped wanting him. Honestly it would take one hell of a man. We've been apart for over a year and I still think of him and miss talking everyday. I miss our adventures. I miss drinking whiskey and watching movies and having the best conversations after. I miss finishing the night having perfect sex and falling asleep cuddled up to him. His face in the morning as he said good morning gorgeous. God he was perfect. Then I remember him choosing his ex wife over me and I hate him. I hate him because he ruined the perfection and despite that I still love him and want him but it always caused me so much pain.

[dearmyblank]

Dear B, 

Is not having me there as good as you hoped it would be?

I wish you’d just be honest with me. 

- N

[overthinker10]

1.18.17

I know there's no good time to break up with someone, but there's times that are worse than others. I was planning on ending my relationship soon and now we have to make a video for a club we're both officers in. Ugh. I swear I'm gonna be stuck in this relationship until the summer. Idk. I've always had the mindset I would do that, but tonight I went over knowing I was going to end it as soon as it was convenient for me. It was a little tense. He didn't respond well to me not sleeping over. We were kind of jokingly digging at each other. Normally I joke and play it off, but this time i consoled him and kind of let the awkwardness sit because it's time for him to know I'm not happy. Yesterday when we had sex the only thing that got me through was imagining my ex. And tonight I kind of had to do the same, but it was surprisingly more enjoyable that normal. I did feel better afterwards. At least the tension was gone after that, but I'm still just like ugh I had to sleep with him--again. I haven't wanted to admit it to myself, but that I have, that I'm still in love with my ex it's so hard to stomach sleeping with my bf. I nearly cry every time. I mean I'm chasing a dream with my ex, that's never going to work out. But I loved the way he made me feel and the way he always held me the way I craved. We had perfect chemistry from the start and that's hard to come by. Even harder to forget. God how I've tried. It makes me sick to imagine him with other people, but I've done the same trying to get over him. Sticking with guys unworthy of me for longer than I should trying to just use them to fill a void. Now all I really want is to be alone. I want to go out with girlfriends and flirt. I want to be me and have my own life for a while. I don't want to compromise. I don't want to settle. Maybe I'll never find what I'm looking for, but I can afford to hold off for a few years and try. This is why I never date guys in my hometown. The one time I do, our lives are so intertwined, i can't make a clean break. I'm gonna have to see this guy multiple times a month because of school and work closely with him....I mean if I tell him it's because he's an alcoholic and it's making me miserable watching him kill himself i think he might understand. Maybe we could still be friends on some level. Enough to get through the next 6 months. But I just don't know. He's got a temper on him that bites hard. I thought if I stopped sleeping with him regularly he'd kind of bring it up, but he's so fucking understanding that we're busy people he just brushed it off. He was so close to what I wanted, then he just became a fat, lazy, drunk. He's so pessimistic and always telling me what not to do. It's annoying. I tell him and he apologizes, but you can't change someone's outlook on life. I shouldn't have to sleep with someone that disgusts me. He's a great guy, but he's got issues and I'm sick of always trying to help people. I want to date someone that makes my life easier and doesn't cause me stress. I feel very stressed out and depressed.

[relatablepoetryandquotes]

[wizdomly]

رنج كشيدم، درس گرفتم، تغيير كردم. I suffered, I learned, I changed.

(via kushandwizdom)

[bookmania]

The night has a thousand eyes, and the day but one; yet the light of the bright world dies with the dying sun. The mind has a thousand eyes, and the heart but one: yet the light of a whole life dies when love is done.

Francis William Bourdillon (via bookmania)

[dearmyblank]

Dear (not my) M,

It been over a year now. You have no idea how much I regret my choices. How much I miss you. I still dream of you. sometimes I wonder if you do the same.

They went from rejections from you, to sweet moments where you’d hug me and tell me everything would be ok. I cry every night when you’re not the one hugging me.

I’ve become more passive aggressive with my boyfriend. I can’t stand his touch anymore. His kisses feel wrong, not natural, not nice or sweet. 

I’ll be moving back in with my parents next month, I can’t wait to get out of here. To see my siblings, my room, all the normal things I had. I can’t wait to start school again. It’ll be a later time though, I work full time at a daycare.

That’s one of the only upsides to this, I meet such wonderful children. Such pure being incapable of betrayal or hurt. I go in and enjoy the whole day with them. I get to carry babies and rock them to sleep, I get to hear the one year olds and the twos call me Ms.J or just J. I get to see their faces brighten up when they see me. I get to see them grow up and learn. I don’t wanna leave these children. They’re so good for me. I’ll have to wrap school around work, 7;30 to 5;30 most days. But they’ve helped me not want to end it all, not drown in a endless depression.

There’s so much I wanna tell you, and you want nothing to do with me anymore. I just hope I can see you, even if its just for a second. Even if you’re with your new girlfriend. I just wanna see you happy. We tried so hard to make us work, and I’ve always been so afraid. but now, you’ve moved on, If that’s what’ll make you happy, then I’ll learn to move on too, or bare with it at least.

There’s nothing I can do now but keep going right? I’ll make something with my life, maybe have that little girl we wanted. Emily. I pictured her as a little girl with her moms long brown hair, her dads eyes, his smile, her moms bubbly personality and the smarts of her dad. I’ll have to change my image of her, 

I hope you’re very happy, and doing a lot better than me. Love J (i like to go by K now)

[overthinker10]

1.15.17 1:38AM

I didn't realize how lonely a person could feel with so many people around. Working nights I'm up alone on my days off and it sucks. I should be glad for the alone time, but I wish I had someone to share it with. In the world I feel like I'm the only one awake. The only one who feels lonely. I wish I was in love. I'm very aware that I have fallen out of love with my bf. Sometimes I wonder if I ever really was or if I just wanted it so badly I was Illusionen into it. He was close to what I wanted, but the more I'm with him the more I realize he's not very close at all. He doesn't have the same sense of adventure I do. I'm optimistic and he's always bringing me down with the negatives. My spirit feels crushed by the relationship. If it wasn't for how much I loved his family I don't think we'd still be together. Here we are 8months in, talking about our future together, and I'm just losing interest. I'm saying things that I want that I know contradict his ideals and planting seeds of uncertainty. When the time comes for it to end I want it to be a mutual decision. I want to preserve the friendship we've created. Yesterday was his 28th birthday. Before it was over we sat and talked for hours. It was nice. It reminded me of why I chose him. But he went to sleep and ultimately I just felt sad and lonely. For the first time I looked at porn and got off. He never gets me off. I think that's really what broke our relationship. I keep trying to find a way to say it. But what a painful thing for a guy to hear, "you don't turn me on, I'm not interested in sex with you." Ouch. But it's true. He doesn't even try to please me. I should be a bitch, but he's so nice to me. Sometimes he's harsh but he doesn't mean it that way. He makes me food and packs me a lunch when he can. He does my laundry when I let him. He offers these nice gestures, even taking my car to the shop. I've never had that before. It's those moments that I think we can fix things. But really, I've been trying to make something work that was never really what I wanted in the first place. It just felt nice to be pursued so I let it happen. Now I'm here feeling like shit because I'd rather be single and have fun and flirt with a guy who might actually hold me the way I want to be held, kiss me the way I like to be kissed and make love to me the way I crave. It's not just bad sex it's the alcohol. I discovered he was an alcoholic and that added a whole new level of turn off. He's been better. We talk and he gets better, but it's always in the back of my mind. How many drinks is that? Will he have more? A week from now will he over do it? Is this my life? Counting a man's beers. It makes me sick. I'm dating a man who leaves me feeling unfulfilled, discouraged and sick. Wtf? Why am I here? Because we're in nursing school together and it's be super awkward if we broke up. His mom and I went engagement ring shopping, how do I say I'm having second thoughts? I'll have to see him everywhere flirting with girls which wouldn't bother me, but everyone else would see it and think it did. Idk a conversation needs to be had, but somehow it needs to be a bigger picture thing. Like me wanting to travel and be my own person. Then toss the other stuff in and just say we're not compatible. I'm going to start living a separate life and slowly pull away and plan without him. Maybe he'll figure it out and break up with me. Sigh I can't believe this is my life. He was a life saver for me getting through last year. But now this year it feels like he's holding me back and i hate it. He's graduating nursing school is June. He put me in his speech. I'm stuck getting through till after then at least. Idk. I keep hopping he'll get in shape and be more positive and cut back on drinking and figure out how to get me off. I'm hoping for a miracle. I just feel like we're too different outside of nursing. Idk. Honestly sometimes I just really miss my ex. We had issues. Bigger issues, but at least that was basically the only thing. He made me feel on top of the world. He also made me feel like dying. But S just makes me feels stagnant. I'm going through the motions. Nothing really hurts me but nothing really lifts me up either. I'm only 24, I shouldn't feel like I need to settle to get through. Well I guess that's it. The idea that someone might read this at least makes me feel less lonely and less crazy. I hope you don't judge me. I know it's fucked up to be with someone, but it's not so easy to hurt them either. I know he's in love with me and would try to fix anything I told him to. He always does. This time I just don't think I want him to. He shouldn't be with someone who always wants things fixed.

[overthinker10]

1.9.17

I haven't been writing much lately. Mostly because what I'm doing and thinking is stressful and I'd rather not write it. Plus not all of my thoughts and actions are pure and good. I'm not upset about it. I just wish my life hadn't come to that. I'm still happy. I just wish some things weren't so serious. You know? I wish I didn't see everything for what it could be in 10 years.

[overthinker10]

1.8.17

I saw him. After all this time I still love him. I'll never really be able to let it go I guess. It was heaven. The world stopped and it was just the two of us. No regrets. I needed it.

[kushandwisdom]

“ You can try to forget what happened, but you can never forget what you felt. ”

https://twitter.com/goodquoteco (via thelovenotebook)

 (via thelovenotebook)

 (via thelovenotebook)

[bookmania]

My point is, it takes a special person to cry over a book. It shows compassion as well as imagination…Don’t ever lose that

Alex Gino, George (via bookmania)

[prairielights]