TL;DR: I made some things I consider beautiful and I think that's all that matters.
I've been feeling lost these past few days, although I would not call it depression. I've done nothing since Monday except think and think and think and think. Mostly about my life and my life situation. Is this truly what I want? Am I happy with what is going on, or am I making the wrong choice? Should I have majored in Art instead of Programming?
Especially the Art. It feels like a phantom limb. I can't hide away from it. So why did I call it quits? Why did I take the 'safe' path? Are my attempts at mixing art with programming futile? Or simply a way to trick my brain into being okay with giving up art partially, something that was an integral part of my childhood?
Yet I think I've been ignoring the true question, that one that matters. What makes me happy and gives meaning to my life? Then everything just came together.
So what makes me happy and gives my life purpose? It's creating. I want to make things, that's all I want with life. I want to make things that others can appreciate. Things that I can give to others simply because I want to share it. Furthermore, I want these things I make to speak for me. To make the bold statement of "This is who I am, this is Gibran".
When I was little, making art was the most straightforward approach to finding this happiness and this sense of identity. Even when I started learning about programming, my goal was still the same, I wanted to make things. Things that I thought were missing in this world, things that I wanted to make for others to enjoy.
Unfortunately, this semester at my university is when I started questioning everything. Ultimately, it's because engineering is tough. Work after work after endless work, and in all that work I forgot my purpose. I forgot why I was doing all of this and I asked "why am I doing this, all I want to do is draw and make art again". Nevertheless, it wasn't about drawing or art, it was about going back to what made me happy, going back to just making things. Not studying and regurgitating information, but making things.
When everything was theory and little of it was application, I burned out. I felt like I wasn't progressing simply because I couldn't visually see the results of all this hard work save some good grades that seemed meaningless because I dreaded my life.
Finally, that's where everything started to come together. This whole week, I was worrying about the results instead of enjoying the process. I was worried that Computer Engineering was the wrong choice when, in reality, it never mattered whether I chose Art or Programming because that isn't my goal in life. My goal is to make things. Things I consider beautiful, regardless of why I consider them so.
gracieabrams
tangentwithtanner
discoholicmusic
areudirty
turnnoffyourmind
jimmyeatworldofficial
romaincrisis