Regarding Bagels and Sluts
Sorry to disappoint bagel lovers, but this post isn't really about bagels. It's about sluttiness. This will all make sense in the end - i promise.
So, to begin with, this is a dictionary definition of "slut":
-a sexually promiscuous woman, or a woman who behaves or dresses in an overtly sexual way
-a woman who has many casual sexual partners
-generally a term for a woman or girl who is considered to have loose sexual morals or who is sexually promiscuous
In combining the above, a slut is a woman who wears her sexuality on her sleeve. She doesn't hide her desires or limit them to 1 person. Why does she do this? She's a woman of "loose sexual morals;" that is, she's a woman whose sexuality is so strong that it overrides social conditioning. She wants lots of sex and will seek out partners who will give her what she wants. In short, a slut is a woman who is driven by her sexual desires.
i'll make an important distinction here....it's not the woman's actions, but her motivation which defines her as a slut. Having sex with many men doesn't make you a slut....perhaps, for instance, you were blackmailed into it. Rather, what defines a woman as a slut is a strong sexual appetite....she wants to have sex with many men because it makes her feel good, and this desire outweighs her desire to obey social custom. And, a woman wanting to feel good at the expense of social custom has traditionally been considered taboo.
Now, i have nothing against sluts. In fact, i admire them. i respect their ability to snub their nose at social convention. i admire their ability to be honest with themselves about their sexual desires and to have the courage to do something about it.
The thing is....i struggle with all the things i admire about sluts. While i've made some progress, it's an uphill battle. But even more fundamental is the fact that i'm not driven by my sexual desires. While i have a healthy sexual appetite, sexual pleasure is not the goal, not what i seek from partners. i seek Domination....and sex is only one path to achieving that.
What drives me is my strong desire to find fulfillment through obedience to a stronger will than mine. This includes sex, but is not limited to it. If i were driven by my sexual appetite, i would be controlled by it, rather than by my Master. i would seek to find my own pleasure, rather than remaining focused on His. i would have a long list of "wants" when it comes to sex and would expect them to be realized. It would be about pushing for what i want as i seek to satisfy my sexual desires.
The words "good girl" are close to my heart. A good girl obeys: she puts her needs/wants behind those of others. She accommodates herself to those whose authority she respects, and so is flexible, malleable. She aims to please and finds pleasure in the approval of those whose opinion she values. Yes, these are characteristics we commonly associate with submission. Exactly who "those in authority" are might change throughout the course of her life. She might first bow to the will of her parents, or social custom, or peer pressure...but as she matures and recognizes her desire to submit, she might make a conscious choice as to who holds the authority in her life. Something that in the past worked to shape her life in unconscious ways now becomes a conscious path.
The phrase "good girl" can be used to describe a woman who follows social custom simply because she's never thought to question it - or doesn't even recognize the extent to which she's influenced by it - or it might be used to describe a woman who follows her Master's rules. The defining characteristic of her "goodness" isn't in who/what she obeys, but in the fact that she craves to obey. At one time, i was the former; now, i'm the latter. But i wouldn't be my Master's good girl (or slave...whichever label you prefer), if i didn't already have that desire for obedience in me.
i do have to admit that little bits of the original good girl still remain: i'm still uncomfortable about being nude in public (even online); i still find it difficult to go beyond monogamy in any way, shape, or form; it's even hard to admit that i like sex. What this does is create an interesting conflict in my mind between the old authority (parents and society generally) and my Master's authority. i sometimes feel that the original good girl is being corrupted...and the new good girl relishes that as a sort of emotional masochism. It just gives my Master more territory to play with, and i get to see Him enjoy corrupting the original good girl.
i'm struggling to find the right words here, to explain something that's a sensitive issue. Throughout my life, i've been told by well-meaning people that i should be more assertive, that i should put myself first and go after what i want. That is simply not who i am, and their good intentions have left me feeling misunderstood and inadequate - that there must be something wrong with me.
When i am called a slut by well-meaning people, i again feel misunderstood, inadequate. It suggests that i am or should be more sexually aggressive, should seek to fulfill my sexual desires, and should focus on what i want. This is what i hear. Do they really see that in me...do they think that my sexual appetite is in control? Is this what they want me to be? Sigh...can i not just be a "good girl"?
The word "slut" doesn't resonate - it slides off like teflon. It's an alien thing, an idea i can look at objectively and analyze. But i haven't the right to claim it. You might as well call me a bagel. Better yet...just call me a good girl.