What’s in a name? I just watched a video of a group of Chinese students at Columbia University students explaining the meaning behind their names to combat racism on campus
Available here: http://columbiaspectator.com/2017/02/03/say-my-name
That got me thinking about the meaning behind my name, or names, rather. I am ethnically Chinese, and so I was given a Chinese name, ‘司徒炜湘/See Tho Wai Siong/Si Tu Wei Xiang’ I was told that when I was born, the Chinese temple priest predicted that I have too much fire element in me, and that I needed some water element to counter, creating more balance. And thus, part of my given name, ‘湘/Siong/Xiang’ is the name of a river in China.
I honestly don’t entirely know which is the right ‘Wai/Wei’ in my Chinese name. My grandpa wrote my Chinese name down in traditional Chinese on a piece of paper attached to my birth certificate. He taught me how to write it when I was really young, but I have no recollection of it anymore. For the longest time, I thought it was ‘ 纬(緯)’, which could either mean ‘latitude’ or ‘weft’. But my sister, who has the same ‘Wai/Wei’ in her name as me, pointed out that it is more probable for it to be ‘ 炜’ which means ‘glowing; bright; brilliant’. So, ‘炜湘’ loosely means ‘brilliant river’. Sounds much better than ‘latitude/weft river’, so I took it.
Now, my surname is ‘司徒’, which is a Chinese compound surname. It’s uncommon for Chinese surnames to be more than one word. According to Wikipedia, ‘司徒’ was a ranking given beginning the Zhou dynasty to Minister over the Masses, one of the three most important official posts given. I’m guessing the title was adopted into a surname by the descendants of this minister. Pretty cool, huh? Separately, each word’s meaning is pretty cool too. ‘司’ is a verb meaning ‘take charge of’ and ‘徒’ can either mean ‘apprentice’ or ‘believer’.
So I suppose together, my name can loosely mean ‘brilliant river apprentice in charge’? I never knew my name could mean so much. Back at home, we just romanize our names, and I never learned Chinese formally. I didn’t have to learn how to write my name in Chinese. I never learned how to appreciate my name.
My teachers in school can never get my entire name right. There’s only a limited number of letters that can fit into my name tag. Somehow during my entire 11 years of school life, the school admin thought it was okay to cut my name short to three words instead of four. So, it’s always either ‘See Tho Wai’ or ‘Tho Wai Siong’, Yeah, my friends thought it was funny too. I just laugh it off as something that cannot be fixed or challenged, and as unimportant. Everyone just calls me See Tho anyway, because they can never get the ‘Siong’ right. Granted, it’s a hard sound to make if you weren’t exposed to Chinese pronunciation.
Now I wish I challenged the system, and asked them to correct my name to what it really is. Because I realize now that because none of the teachers can ever get my entire name right, I cultivated a sense of shame whenever they uttered my name (or rather try to utter my name). I would quickly stop them from even trying because I just assume that they will never pronounce it right, so why try? They can just call me by my easier to pronounce surname, and that’s fine.
Both my siblings also had most of their teachers and friends call them See Tho. So, there’s the obvious confusion of which See Tho being called. It doesn’t help that we were all in the same school at some point. We’d also be really confused when callers ask for See Tho, and the next question is always, “which one?” I do have some close friends who call me Wai Siong, and of course my family.
Fast forward to college freshman year. This was it. My time to reinvent myself. No one from my old school went to the same college as me. I can be whoever I wanted to be. After I became a Christian, I wanted to adopt a ‘Christian’ name as well, just like my sister. And like her, I wanted one that started with an A because it’ll be really cool if we both had names that began with the same letter. So, on to babynames.com! I had low self-esteem growing up, and so I wanted to be someone courageous starting this new chapter in my life. I looked through names that began with an A and meant courage. It was between Andie and Audrey, and so I went to my mama for advice. Mama See Tho says Andie is too manly sounding, and so Audrey it is!
I’m a firm believer in the power of a name in changing a person. Perhaps it’s an effect of self-fulfilling prophecy. I genuinely upheld the meaning of Audrey, which is ‘noble strength’ and tried to live up to it. I broke out of my quiet and shy self, and became Audrey. I started off still introducing myself as See Tho, but then when I transferred to study in the States, I thought it would just make everyone’s life easier if people just know me as Audrey, a common angicized name. Til today I don’t know to whose convenience or benefit did I do this for. Perhaps both saving myself from cringing every time someone gets my name wrong or saving other people from awkwardness? Of course close friends and admin people at college still knew my full real name. Sometimes I tell people when they ask me why I adopted the name Audrey. Most people just think it’s part of my legal name.
At work, everyone knew my full legal name (because of my name in email), but still call me Audrey. Again, convenience. But no one really asked me why. I suppose it’s a normal occurrence in Malaysia?
Here at Oxford, I think people around me are more curious about my name situation. Again, because of my email, people know my full legal name. But quite a number do ask me why. Perhaps because Oxford students and residents are more analytical? But this and finally formally learning Chinese language got me thinking why. Beyond convenience - why do I continue to take up the name Audrey and still cringe when strangers find out my full legal name - and having to explain the situation with my name?
Am I really ashamed of my name? Why is anglicization of names the norm? Why do I bother about the convenience of others - shouldn’t they learn how to say my name? And even before that, shouldn’t I at least give them the chance to try pronouncing my name? Sure, it’s gonna take a few tries, but isn’t it worth it - for them to learn my roots as well? Do people think I’m fake when they learn that Audrey is not even my ‘real’ name? Would my life have played out differently if I never adopted the name Audrey. If I was just See Tho Wai Siong from the beginning, from the moment my name was etched correctly into my school name tag - all four words loud and proud, would I be a different person today? I don’t know. But I do know that I am as much See Tho Wai Siong as I am Audrey. I have thought about legally including Audrey into my name. Perhaps.
I just wish I shared my birth name with people more. I can’t get more original than this name. Who else is or can be ‘brilliant river apprentice in charge’? Out of more than a billion of Chinese people, I am the only one with the name See Tho Wai Siong. So, what’s in a name? There’s a lot of beauty in a name - even ones that is hard to pronounce.
p/s: for your benefit as my reader, the correct pronunciation of my name is (phonetically spelled): C-Toe-Wai-C-Yong.
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