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shatter is my bestfriend
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Psychologically I can’t be with you until I’m on adderall
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I’ll never forget the time I was manic, took three maximum-dose instant release adderall because I was convinced they weren’t affecting me, decided to go horseback riding with kelsey, was bucked off, and got a concussion
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I did surprisingly well this semester even though I didnt leave my bed for the entire month of february (re: depression/anxiety/reverse culture shock), AND i procrastinated so much that I BARELY turned 2 of my final essays on time.
Also, I’m glad that all of the TAs/professors of human geography at my school are really leftist/radical and inclined to like me. After i mention Marx or Foucault, they be like”dayum” and I be like, “ye”
ALSO my gpa and I are thankful for adderall but I dunno if the quality of my work would be the same without it… I’m scared I may have a slight non-addictive drug dependency problem… but, whatever, right? I just shouldnt worry about it, right?
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I was sitting next to Freddie on the couch last night, texting two of my exes and feeling a lot like I was coming across overwhelming to them. So I asked him if he felt like I was an inherently overwhelming person, and if hanging out with me was ever draining or exhausting. He looked confused and said no, maybe for weak people who can’t hang, but definitely not for the good people who enjoy sticking around. They don’t see me as overwhelming, he said, even if I’m a lot of intense things at once. He said its part of who I am and the people around me love who I am so it’s not overwhelming to them.
A couple later, I was talking about the half life of the Adderall I’m now taking, and he started laughing really hard. ((Quick background on this: he talks non-stop about the half life of different things. A couple hours before he had been calculating how much caffeine he could drink before bed based on the half life of the cup of coffee he had earlier in the day.)) When I asked him why he was laughing, he looked up at me with a dumb smile on his face and said “I dunno. I just love you all the time is all.”
Then we talked about his new job (which is my old job, but it’s good money and he’s a lot more emotionally stable that I am, so I think he’ll have a significantly better time than I did) and he was so excited about it and I’m so happy for him. It’s hard not to consistently tell him how wonderful he is and how proud I am of the person he has become in the last six months. Hes so genuinely good, to his core, and he consistently works on himself and changes and adjusts and its so lovely. It’s so good to know that people like him exist in the world.
I feel like a better person because of his help. I know everyone questioned me at first, I know it was hard for people to understand why I shut everyone out and focused on my life here. I know I hurt some of my friends in doing so and I wish that never had to happen, and I’m sorry that it did. But I so needed it. I so needed Freddie at that time and I really feel like he has helped me rediscover my sense of identity. I know who I am again, and I’m happy with who I am, and he helps me with that on a regular basis. He is the best thing to happen to me since Sebastian, and now with both of them in my life, I feel so empowered and good about myself and unstoppable on my path to being who I want to be and not passively working on myself occasionally.
Good people make all the difference, I swear it.
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I need to ramble for a bit because adderall does this to me always. ➕
If you are thinking that I don’t recall who I was nearly 4 years ago, you couldn’t be more wrong. I was the worst person I’ve even known.
I was, sensitive, petty, insecure, a liar, jealous,impulsive,selfish,argumentative, detached from reality, & extremely broken hearted.
Sure I did what I was expected, but it was more out of motion & I was telling my self that the reality I was thinking of was the right one. It was not. I told my self that I was a good person & the right people will love me regardless. That isn’t true, i don’t have any idea how I convinced my self that by acting so shitty people were expected to love & support me, regardless of I was dealing with mental illness.
I bring “her” up often, the girl I was between 18-20. I think as a tool for self worth and evaluation. This is a person I never want to be again. & I’m constantly crippled with the fear that people will think I’m going to retreat back to these ways. I won’t & I truly haven’t. I’m so much better and communicating my thoughts and feelings these days. So when people Jump to conclusions it breaks my heart.
Especially when if given the chance to talk freely about what my feelings/thoughts/problems are currently, you’d have more insight to what was going on in my head & heart. Instead of perceiving what You’d like, or assuming. The people who’ve known me & been there for everything I’m so sorry for all those crazy years, & I’m sorry for even today, still working really hard on being better in so many aspects. My ultimate wish today, is that for the people who’ve known me for so long to not just assume the worst of me, or believe so many 3rd party perceptions of me.
The current thing I’m working on is my underlying issue with abandonment, & how transparent it is. Why is it so easy for me to just say “screw it, they were bound to do that eventually”? Well, Because it’s happened time & time again, some situations were out of my control for why people didn’t stick around & I’m not going to sit her and say I didn’t self sabotage some of them.
I wish I could tell everyone who walks into my life “hey, I’m terrified you’re going to give up on me, that you are going to replace me or find something better, that you’re just going to get bored one day” but that would mean being weak and vulnerable & that’s something that is so hard for me to let go of. Bottom line is I want people to want me around, and I don’t wanna seem needy, I don’t wanna come into a party of people, knowing they’ve all been talking about me & all the things they hate about me, Or felt obligated to have me there. (I think that’s a pride issue so I’ll put that on the list of current things to work on) Mainly I just want people to understand me a little more & not treat me like I don’t know what I’m thinking or feeling. I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers, I don’t really know what my next step is, I’m not being stupid, or not thinking of future things. I’m trying to figure “it” out, whatever “it” is, & for the first time I’m not lying to my self while doing it. I’m sorry, I am. If only I had the chance to explain with better words what’s all been going on. Though I haven’t forgotten about 18-20 self & I promise I won’t NO part of anything she has to offer.
-End of rambles that mean nothing but for me to clear space in my head for other things.
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I hate thieves
It’s lovely I got my wallet stolen, my adderall, my g of ice, and Xanax all stolen by a so called friend.
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brain post: i haven’t been seen by a psychologist yet, as we are waiting for beth’s friend keith to contact her concerning an opening/my health insurance info, etc. but i have been regularly taking my birth control, adderall, and anxiety meds. all of these things help when i use them in a routine. i know that should go without being said, but a routine with pills is extremely difficult. i’m proud of myself. i’ve even been keeping up with my vitamins daily. i don’t know if my brain WANTS this to be true (so it’s working), but the fish oil i had decided to take definitely helped my irritability along with other aspects of my mood/depression. i feel like there are still hints of things to fix or re-wire but this is so much better already. i never imagined living to see the day i felt this way again. it’s so hard to live your life so off balance. like you’re stumbling around just wanting your balance - and everyone is watching you, but no one can see the thing that’s causing you to lean. it’s all in your head. rule your mind, or it will rule you.
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longish post about brain stuff (good things!!) under the cut. feeling good about stuff. cw for drug mentions
Keep reading
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my first thought of everyday: do i want to me 1 adderall me or 2 adderall me today
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