I need to ramble for a bit because adderall does this to me always. ➕
If you are thinking that I don’t recall who I was nearly 4 years ago, you couldn’t be more wrong.
I was the worst person I’ve even known.
I was, sensitive, petty, insecure, a liar, jealous,impulsive,selfish,argumentative, detached from reality, & extremely broken hearted.
Sure I did what I was expected, but it was more out of motion & I was telling my self that the reality I was thinking of was the right one. It was not.
I told my self that I was a good person & the right people will love me regardless. That isn’t true, i don’t have any idea how I convinced my self that by acting so shitty people were expected to love & support me, regardless of I was dealing with mental illness.
I bring “her” up often, the girl I was between 18-20.
I think as a tool for self worth and evaluation.
This is a person I never want to be again.
& I’m constantly crippled with the fear that people will think I’m going to retreat back to these ways.
I won’t & I truly haven’t.
I’m so much better and communicating my thoughts and feelings these days. So when people
Jump to conclusions it breaks my heart.
Especially when if given the chance to talk freely about what my feelings/thoughts/problems are currently, you’d have more insight to what was going on in my head & heart. Instead of perceiving what
You’d like, or assuming.
The people who’ve known me & been there for everything I’m so sorry for all those crazy years, & I’m sorry for even today, still working really hard on being better in so many aspects.
My ultimate wish today, is that for the people who’ve known me for so long to not just assume the worst of me, or believe so many 3rd party perceptions of me.
The current thing I’m working on is my underlying issue with abandonment, & how transparent it is.
Why is it so easy for me to just say “screw it, they were bound to do that eventually”?
Well, Because it’s happened time & time again, some situations were out of my control for why people didn’t stick around & I’m not going to sit her and say I didn’t self sabotage some of them.
I wish I could tell everyone who walks into my life “hey, I’m terrified you’re going to give up on me, that you are going to replace me or find something better, that you’re just going to get bored one day” but that would mean being weak and vulnerable & that’s something that is so hard for me to let go of.
Bottom line is I want people to want me around, and I don’t wanna seem needy, I don’t wanna come into a party of people, knowing they’ve all been talking about me & all the things they hate about me, Or felt obligated to have me there. (I think that’s a pride issue so I’ll put that on the list of current things to work on)
Mainly I just want people to understand me a little more & not treat me like I don’t know what I’m thinking or feeling.
I don’t know.
I don’t have all the answers, I don’t really know what my next step is, I’m not being stupid, or not thinking of future things. I’m trying to figure “it” out, whatever “it” is, & for the first time I’m not lying to my self while doing it.
I’m sorry, I am.
If only I had the chance to explain with better words what’s all been going on.
Though I haven’t forgotten about 18-20 self & I promise I won’t NO part of anything she has to offer.
-End of rambles that mean nothing but for me to clear space in my head for other things.