This is PteaSD

TWENTY SOMETHING YEARS OLD. YOUNG. WHATEVER. ALMOST THIRTY, AND PANICKY AS HELL. DOING MY BEST. LIVING WITH PTSD AND ANOREXIA. AND A SHITLOAD OF PETS.

[p-tea-sd]

December 20th, 8:30 pm My sister phones me, asking if I’ve heard from my mom. She hasn’t returned home from a friends place. I tell her I haven’t, hang up and then try calling her, again and again and again. 

Keep on calling her phone through the night. Every call goes directly to voicemail. Her phone has died. 

Now, normally this wouldn’t be a scary situation, but my mom had Alzheimers, and wasn’t really able to take care of herself out alone. Yet she insisted on taking the train home by herself. And when her caretaker came to give her her nightly meds, and she still hadn’t returned, they alerted the family. 

I can’t sleep that night. Ask the nurses if I can go out to look for my mum, but they won’t let me. So I sit in my room and fret. 

By 11 pm we have alerted the police. They are out looking for her. So is the rest of my family. I feel helpless sitting in a hospital bed not able to help. 

Last update from my sister comes at 3 am. Still no trace of mum. 

December 21st Mum hasn’t turned up. We alert the media. We search. We look. I cry a lot. I call and call and call. My mum (still straight to voicemail), my sisters, my ex, my friends. 

I decide that if she hasn’t turned up by nightfall, I’ll discharge my self from the hospital. I’m not able to eat. Not able to think. I stay in my room. 

I talk to my contact at the hospital, and they arrange for me to be discharged from the hospital the next day. Meanwhile the police have found a few observations of my mother. Her disappearance is on national news. Seeing her picture on the News report makes me want to die. For real this time. 

December 22nd I leave the hospital early in the morning and head to my sisters place. My ex drives me. I start a campaign on Facebook, asking people for help, for observations. Still no signs of her. Anywhere. We are getting desperate. 

December 23rd Still no sign of mum. We look, we pray, we cry. 

December 24th Christmas. Or at least an honest attempt at one. We have to do it for the kids. Still no sign of mum. I’m ready to die. But i make the food, smile and pretend I’m not all frail and fringed on the inside.  There are still no signs of mum anywhere. And truth be told, I’ve never been happier to see degrees on the plus side and rain on Christmas eve. 

December 25th We continue searching. Still no clues. No signs. No nothing. I head home to my own place. Need some time for myself. Can’t hold myself together around the kids anymore.  December 26th Mum is found. She is dead. She was found by a member of the search party just a couple of hundred meters from where she was last seen. My world falls apart, and I want to die. My sister comes to deliver the message, and she takes me back to my other sister, where we gather the entire family. 

We’ll probably never get to know what really happened, but the autopsy shows that she most likely fell, hit her head and died almost instantly. She must have been terribly confused to end up where she was found, but at least she didn’t suffer for long. I don’t know how I’ll continue without her. But I guess I’ll have too, all though I am fairly certain I won’t be able to celebrate Christmas ever again. 

[p-tea-sd]

Haven’t written in a while. Haven’t had the energy, nor the courage. I’m out of hospital, but I’m really not any better. Still struggling with the ED. And the PTSD. Finally and officially diagnosed for real now. 

And as if that wasn’t enough, this Christmas I lost my mother. I’ll see if I can elaborate more on that later - as of right now it’s enough to say that I’m devastated and miss her terribly. 

Weight today was 49,6 kilos. Under the magical 50 kilo limit, meaning that if I don’t gain any weight - or loose even more within the next two weeks, I’m likely to be admitted again. Sucks balls. 

Self harming is worse to. Proceeded from scratching to cutting. In the moment it helps, it shifts my focus from my horrible feelings to something more tangible. Afterwards I’m ashamed. Looking at the gashes on my arm makes me sick to my stomach, and that again makes me want to do it again. 

Anxiety is horrible too. Have attacks, flashbacks. Heart racing, breath catching in my throat. Feels like dying, and then it passes again. 

Took up smoking while in the hospital. Made a deal with my doctor to quit again once I’m healthy enough to run again. Don’t know when that’ll be though. 

[p-tea-sd]

Update. Long overdue

So, finally a long overdue update from me. Not that I think a whole lot of people are waiting for it, but just the same.. 

Lots have happened since I last wrote. The eating disorder got worse. A lot worse, and I am currently admitted at a hospital, at a ward that specializes in EDs. And let me tell you: IT SUCKS! 

But it is what I need right now. I’m ill, and I can’t fix it on my own. It’s a lot of hard work, and dreadfully tiring. I feel stressed and anxious all the time, I smoke like a chimney, and some of my ticks/bad habits have gotten a lot worse, a natural reaction to the stress of being admitted, I’ve been told. I’ve scratched off almost all of my skin at my chest and forearms, and some on my hands, face and stomach as well. I tend to do this when I’m under a lot of stress, and can’t get another outlet for it. And as I think you can guess - there isn’t really a whole lot of the other things I’ve been doing; starvation and training to be done while I’m here. 

The meals are the worst. Even though what I’m supposed to eat isn’t a whole lot, I still can’t manage to finish most of the food, and I have to fight to get my sorry ass in to the kitchen every day. The meals are a lot more often, and closer together than what my routine is at home as well, which makes it even worse. 

I don’t know how long I’m supposed to stay here, but I am already dreading going home, I fear that I’ll relapse and go back to my old ways, as I can’t possibly imagine managing to eat the amounts and at the intervals I’m introduced to in here. I want to - don’t misunderstand - the task just seems too much, too big, too hard. And to stay away from physical activity sounds close to impossible. 

I’ve also suffered some pretty dark thoughts, both before I got admitted, and while I’ve been here. Today especially. Not necessarily thoughts I feel like I need to act upon, but they’re there nontheless. And they scare me. 

I try to talk about them to the staff, but I’m not able too. The words get caught in my throat, and they just wont come out. 

[p-tea-sd]

Friday 5:25 am

It’s early. Still dark outside. I’ve had my breakfast, and will head over to the gym shortly. Need to get in a good workout before my doctors appointment today. 

Yesterday was a truly shitty day. Last appointment with my therapist. Always nice to hear that my situation is unchanged, and that I’m now officially someone else’s problem. Had no energy, yelled at my dog for nothing and anything at all, cancelled with the boyfriend (but only after he was an hour late for our date), and was generally cranky and miserable. Lots of anxiety, but thankfully no flashbacks. And of course the general depression that follows not being a functioning person. 

Today I’m just tired. And frustrated. And a bit scared. I have to explain to my GP why I haven’t started my medication yet, I have to tell her that I’m now balancing on the edge of that magical 50kg-threshold, and I have to ask her the possibilities of staying away from work a long while longer. I can’t stand the idea of getting back to that place. 

I filled out some different forms yesterday, for a job application in the army. Kind of excited, but scared too. If I get in, I may have to move away for a year. And proud of myself for applying. Haven’t told anyone of it yet, though. Figured I’ll wait until I’ve passed the medical tests. The position doesn’t start until march next year at the earliest, so I guess I’ve got the time needed. 

I don’t know how I’ll keep myself going through this weekend. I have shitloads to do, but no energy (except for the goddamn restlessness and uneasiness), and I can’t eat even barely enough to feel strong enough or sharp enough to be of some use to anyone at all. 

All I want is to hide under my covers, but that can’t be done - not right now. I have to be human, at least until Monday morning. After that I don’t really care anymore. And yes, that is how emotionally flat I’ve become. I don’t really care. I don’t really feel - or want to feel. I’m tired of being this useless. This hopeless. This broken. 

[p-tea-sd]

Wednesday

OK day today. Lots of anxiety, but had a good day at the stable. All the work was already done, meaning I had lots of time to just enjoy myself. Went for a long ride. Cold as fuck, but really relaxing and at the end I almost enjoyed myself. Mind you - I do like to ride, and I’m generally happy when in the saddle, but I don’t really feel anything other than despair these days. So I’ll take any drop of positive emotion I can get. 

At home now. Trying to get warm. Have eaten a small bowl of soup. Going to the gym later. Need to. It’s raining, so I’m not looking forward to the walk over there, but it’ll be alright. I have a warm jacket. 

And I need to. 

Gonna try for my daily three today: 

1. I’m looking forward to the weekend. 2. I have talked to my sisters about how I feel.  3. I am keeping my appointments (or, I have this week at least). 

[p-tea-sd]

"Sometimes that sick panicky feeling would flood over me like it did that night and I'd be sure that nearby, lurking in a stand of dark trees, beyond the next car in a parking lot, behind the garage where I kept my bike, it was waiting." - Ransom Riggs; Miss Peregrine's home for peculiar children. 

 This is how it is. The anxiety. And this is what I do. Avoid it all I can. Hiding, distracting. Fighting. I can’t walk outside without looking over my shoulder. I can’t sit next to anyone without anticipating them attacking me. I can’t look someone in the eye and not help but think that they know, and judge and condemn. 

I am afraid. All the time. I may hide it, but the fear is there - always and at all times. 

[p-tea-sd]

Tuesday evening

Haven’t written a lot recently. Haven’t had the energy. Spent it all on avoidance. For real. Exhausted myself completely, because the anxiety have been extremely difficult and all-consuming. I’m shaking violently, scratching my neck and wrists, and crying at everything. 

It’s hard. 

But, there are some good things too. I’ve managed to get to the stable a few days in a row - even clipped my pony today. And I have ridden (avoidance, but also a good way to improve my mood). 

Not eating nearly as much as I should. But I’m trying to. 

Going to the gym later tonight. My sister called me and told me off for going to often. Promised her not to. Big fat lie. But I need to. Afraid I’ll hurt myself if I don’t. Not like a fatal something or the other, but I feel the urge more and more. 

Best boyfriend ever is helping a lot though. He makes me feel calm and secure. Which makes me dull company. I fall asleep the instant he is here and holding me. But he says he likes it. And I believe him. 

[p-tea-sd]

Life. No gym tonight. Too fatigued. Humans are nature. Nature crave balance. I have no balance, neither of mind, body nor soul. But I want it. So I chase it the only way I know of. By bashing, abusing, hurting myself. By giving hate to what needs love. I can not love myself. I have no love for what is inside me. The lack of balance, the lack of confidence. The lack of everything light and hopeful. No three tonight.

[p-tea-sd]

Today has been a bit of a roller coaster. Nice to have had a good nights sleep, and I’ve been fairly productive at home; cleaned and vacuumed, sent a few job applications and even managed to eat a bit. 

But as soon as I don’t do anything, the anxiety hits me like a motherfucking runaway train. It’s incredibly overwhelming. Terrifying. Paralyzing. Try to keep my mind and body busy - went for a long walk, and went to hear a friend play a mini concert with her janissary marching band. It was at this amazing workshop for the kids and teens in my part of town, which - to be honest - is a bit of a ghetto area. Was so nice to see children and youngsters work together in their love for music, paying no regards to age, origin, religion or color of skin. But as soon at is was over, anxiety was back, and now that I’m back at home again, all I can think of is what I am to do for the rest of the night, not to feel anything. 

A few moments now to get warm again from being outside, and then I’ll head over to the gym, I think. If I can manage. I feel like it’s the only thing I can to to keep my mind occupied and my body exhausted enough not the be a bundle of tension and distress and restlessness. 

It’s tiring. And I’m utterly exhausted. 

[p-tea-sd]

Finally got a good nights sleep. Still tired though, but not as much as I’ve been for the past couple of weeks. Lovely to wake up and it not being night, or ten-fifteen minutes since the last time I checked the time. 

Have a lot to do at home today, clean out my fridge, clean the place in general and wash some clothes. And spend some time with my dog. Hoping to manage the energy to go for a walk later on, and then to the gym tonight. Like to keep my self busy. 

[p-tea-sd]

Back from the gym. Felt good to get in some thorough exercise. I know this is just avoidance, but avoidance is all I can do for now. I wish I had the energy to actually take care of my feelings and anxiety, but I just can’t right now. That’ll have to wait until I get into treatment. Just a little under a month left until that now. 

No big plans tomorrow, other than the usual; gym, walk, cleaning and trying to eat. 

Gonna finish off today with my daily three - even though I’m feeling nothing but resentment for myself at the moment..

1. I’m able to se my limitations.  2. I’m confident I will get better (but not without help).  3. I’ve sent several job applications in the past days. 

Planning on spending the rest of the night in bed, with books, my dog and some calming music. Other than that - hunt for sleep. 

[p-tea-sd]

Frozen to the core..

...after a long day at the stables. Nothing out of the ordinary, I’m always cold nowadays, but the weather was really awful. Cold, wet winds and rain in the air. Did manage to get a good session in though, and even though I can feel and tell that it’s going well, I can’t manage to summon enough emotion to enjoy it, or even believe it. I get frustrated and cry a lot, even when it’s going well. I guess my body is too weak, and my mind to unbalanced. I have a clinic with my trainer next weekend, and I think that will be good. A little reboot, and possibly a small boost of confidence. Looking forward to it, I think. 

Didn’t get too much sleep last night, and even though I’m tired, I feel restless and uneasy. Managed to get some food down, but I’ll go work out a little later. I need to do something in order to not start hurting myself (even more than I already do). Training helps. Or, postpones at least. Not healthy, but healthier than cutting or burning or starving even more. 

Haven’t started my medication. Don’t know if I will. Have another doctors appointment Monday. 

[p-tea-sd]

1. I managed to get through another panic attack and flashback without ruining the rest of my day. 2. I managed to get through some small-talk today. (And didn’t die).  3. I took the commute in rush hour. 

[p-tea-sd]

Today was difficult. Had planned to head to the gym right after breakfast, but ended up having a terrible flashback, as I was just about to leave. I felt rather confident and positive right before this, apparently enough to let my guard down. And so it came like a tidal wave and knocked me to my feet. Full on panic attack, and my mind playing my least favorite movie of all times (and I’ve seen Piranha 3DD). Had to stay were I was, on the floor, crying, gasping for air, clawing at his hands that weren’t there for a good couple of hours, before I finally managed to get back up on my feet. 

Feeling all tense, anxious and awful, I knew I had to untie the knot that had formed in me - of every muscle, tendon and bone, and I managed to get to the gym. Spent almost two hours there, doing cardio, and it helped. Physical activities helps relax the worst of the uneasy tension and restlessness that follows an attack of the magnitude I had today. 

After I finished, I felt really tired, exhausted almost, but a bit more calm. Not a healthy way to achieve calmness, I know - but right now I have to focus on what helps in the moment, rather than in the long run. The long run is for my therapists and psychologists. And, the physical exhaustion made me ready to go to the monthly meet and greet at the office where I was an intern. 

And the meeting went well. I had to endure some small talk with some of the other attendants of course, but it went OK. I’m not good at it, and I get nervous and seem to forget that I too have a masters degree - a law degree even, and I stutter and can’t really find anything smart to say, but I learned a lot from just listening, and it’s always a good thing to make connections, even though feeble. 

Back at home now, mentally tired as well. Managed to eat a fairly good meal, not feeling too queasy, but had to pass on the planned pizza. I’m not ready for that just now, I think. Have some cleaning to do, and then I’ll spend the rest of the night reading. Early start tomorrow. 

[p-tea-sd]

Friday 5:45am

Good morning, I guess. Slept poorly tonight again. Gave up at five, got up and now I’ve had some breakfast. Heading over to the gym in a short while. Need to do something - too restless to just sit around at home, and looking around, I know that cleaning this place will be done in ten minutes, and it’s too cold and too dark to go for my walk. So, the gym it is. 

Feeling a bit stressed out about today. Looking forward to this thing I’m going to later today, a small conference on a topic I worked on when I was an intern during my studies. But I’m dreading going downtown. And home again after. Friday afternoon, there’s a crammed commute-guarantee. 

Just have to decide that it’s going to be OK. That I’m going to get through it. Win again. I will simply not have any more defeats.

[p-tea-sd]

How it is. By being like this; damaged, living in fear of the memories, of revisiting the event, I let the event happen over and over again. I let him win, letting him keep on attacking me.

[p-tea-sd]

The peril of watching, anticipating, feeling, seeing and living the waves of anxiety, despair, fear and panic - not knowing which one is going to push me over.