A large vent post here. Content warning: Mention of assault. Some fictional character's experience which, I sympathised with, ended up happening in my life so now it's very personal. Season 1 episode 8 of Tuca and Bertie is an episode that had less of an impact on me back when I watched it compared to now.... it is something I thought about today.
Throughout the season, Bertie is shown to absolutely HATE her boss at work. He is a narcissistic predatory person who preys on her, and knows she is complicit with his gross advances. As the viewer gets through the season you're hoping Bertie does something about how awful she is being treated but things aren't that easy. She is thinking about how much this job means to her even if it entails a boss that creates an uncomfortable environment. One example of Pete's harassment shows him, previous episode, forcefully grabbing her head inches above boiling water. In episode 8 she meets this aspiring baker, Dakota, who almost immediately takes a liking to her and they become fast friends. Dakota agrees to take on a baking mentorship which gives Bertie a little hope that maybe some day she can be capable enough to run her own place. A huge chunk of this episode is dedicated to Bertie and Dakota bonding, building this friendship. They bake together. A new recipe for the bakery is created because of this.
Later that night, Pete enters the Bakery and latches onto this new potential employee. He must have thought she was another person who allows his behaviour. While looking at roux being made, Pete grabs Dakota's head and attempts to hold it over the pot. 😟 Both instances of his assault, very uncomfortable to watch. However, Dakota retaliates and pushes him off, calling out how wrong that is while storming out. Here is when I really started to relate to their situation. Bertie talks to her outside in an attempt to comfort Dakota but soon admits he does this often and it's "part of the job". Dakota calls out Bertie getting defensive over Pete's behaviour and that it isn't right. The last thing Dakota says to Bertie before leaving in disgust, she always looked up to her.
Because of this, Bertie decides to confront her tendency to freeze/swoon over toxic people in later episodes but yeah, Dakota is never seen again. That was a lot and my situation isn't as intense but it sure feels like it. I am friends with someone, while not nearly as horrible as Pete, is definitely in a position where she is this type of figure in my life. Narcissistic at times, and very unable to take accountability. Let's call her A. Three years I have known her and I don't know if she has gotten worse as a person or if I'm finally seeing things correctly. For years I have tried to point out her rude behaviour and hostility towards others.... even towards her friends. Every time, I de-escalate conflict and never attempt to confront her on how awful she treats others. It was guilt that had been eating me up inside. She has very-very few friends and I'm not just saying that to make her seem worse. It's as if others can sense how intense she can be and backs away. I thought maybe she will change and selfishly, I thought I can maybe help someone stuck somewhere I once was during middle/highschool. Silly me. Projecting my experiences onto a friend... thinking I know exactly what they're going through. For three years I've just been letting her treat me like shit, and minimising this. Any argument, she blew out of proportion and always called me awful things. Basically saying how it wouldn't take much to end our friendship. No, I held on. I held onto her and saw the good and kindness she is capable of. These past months have been a wake up call to me. I shouldn't have been so passive with her.
I guess you can say I met my "Dakota" in this situation. 5 months ago I met someone who IS very kind and bubbly and one of the sweetest friends I ever made. Nickname will be Fi. Half of fish. My good bestie and I own a discord server and I was allowed to invite those close to me. It was something about this new-ish friend I made, we were definitely going to be good friends I can tell. So I invited Fi to the server even though we just met. Fi is very blunt and honest with her feelings, and always trying to understand the perspective of others. It wasn't hard to see why I thought A and Fi would get along... I mean, they like similar music and always there to listen to a friend when they're down and tolerate me. I was blind. These few years of allowing A to push me down whenever... I... I got used to her behaviour chalking it up to "this is how she is". Fi was eager to meet others in the server and eventually met A. I witnessed their first call and immediately A had a standoffish—cold demeanor towards Fi for no reason. Fi felt uncomfortable and that should have been a flag to me something was up. For weeks we went from 3 people to 4 people with Fi joining and I hoped this widened friend group would benefit us. Looking back, I realise A started to loosen her grip on my bestie and I whether she wanted to or not with the inclusion of Fi. Call it jealously or... maybe even fear, I think this caused A to resent Fi but that's speculation on my part. Jump to weeks later, A and Fi had a falling out. My friend A started to show how hostile she can be which led to a scary argument that put our friendship in jeopardy. I distanced myself from A, at least tried to after Fi pointed out behaviour we shouldn't be okay with. Our group chat had fewer conversations in it and I will point to this being the catalyst. She complained about how quiet things were and neither my bestie or I were going to bring up what she started. Things were... okay for a while after that. We now knew A and Fi weren't going to mesh well as friends. By the way, the argument between us never got resolved. It would have been resolved if A took accountability for hurting Fi but that wasn't going to happen. She hurt my feelings too. More weeks pass and something personal I will not mention on Fi's behalf happened. A very tragic and painful thing. I was too sick to be there for her but I wish I could have sooner. Then A, also went through something painful.
Yesterday, we just wanted to have a nice time hanging out together and I wanted to include Fi. Yet again, we had an argument that A started. No, it never was a matter of "oh Pacifist, it's in your perspective of course you'd say A started things!" You need to grasp how antagonist this person I call my friend (A) can be. She made a comparison of pain and trauma, prioritising her feelings over Fi's without any consideration or sympathy. I can't go into detail but it was fucked up. We shouldn't have expressed sympathy for A because it was a situation SHE WANTED but we did.
I am fully on Fi's side. And I made this Dakota comparison because I have been letting A use me as an emotional punching bag for years. She tried to make Fi take weeks— MONTHS of insults and unacceptable behaviour which I have allowed A to get away with. Now I am confronted with choices that shouldn't be so difficult. Fi told us she will not be taking any more of this from A and yeah, she won't. I promise this. I was told by Fi any sign of A doing this again and she will leave. Would still be my friend but honestly, a person tolerating someone like A and enabling her... I wouldn't blame Fi for distancing herself from me even though I will not allow A to cause anymore harm to those I care about after this.
In allowing A to meet my very good friend, I indirectly hurt Fi so much. I know, it wasn't all my fault but I struggle with thinking about how so much of this could have been avoided if I stood my ground during the first argument.
We're going to confront A about how she is towards others. Not just that, we are going to tell her WHO she is. Fi will finally be able to get closure from this shit show. I'm so glad to have met her, even though it's been 5 months or so. Fi made me realise I shouldn't be okay with a person like A in my life. Fi said she... pitied me. She felt sorry I ended up in a situation where I latched onto A. Yeah, I needed to hear that.
You know something that would hurt A but I need to tell her? Three years of friendship doesn't mean that much if it was years full of unchanging her behaviour and toxicity. Also, I already went through losing a close friend years ago❤️🩹 from drama like this. We knew each other for 6 years and it ended over stupidity. I would rather keep this healthy friendship with Fi and have something sweet than... be complicit to whatever A does. She blames her cruel nature on trauma, sometimes she blames her behaviour on her autism. No, she is someone too comfortable with her personality and doesn't want to change. I hope she changes and heals. I spent years healing from hell I was put through, and now I know I shouldn't wait for someone like her to do the same if she doesn't want to.
addition: I would have eventually taken a stand against A's behaviour, no minimising or allowing her to deflect anything. And then our friendship would have ended with her making ME feel like I was entirely in the wrong. Having met Fi, she made this issue addressed a lot sooner, and I'm thankful. We can speculate if hypothetically I made a friend and A hurt them like how Fi was hurt, whether it would have made us do something about it. Yeah, definitely. The situation would be resolved slower and A wouldn't have learnt anything from this, however. It would just be our friendship ending without A understanding what she had done because my bestie and I need help articulating our emotions.
