OOC: Sirius loves fiercely and without apprehension. I firmly believe that one of the things that distinguishes him from his family is that unreservedness when it comes to feelings, emotions, being free, et cetera. Sirius is someone who loves fully or not at all. And he gives himself away in so many different ways that I think in a way it’s difficult for him to pin his feelings down and say yes, this is it, this person is all I want. For Sirius, because he wasn’t the recipient of love/affection from his family, there’s this burning need to overcompensate for the petty cruelty and taciturn actions of his parents. I feel like Sirius would want to make up for it, to almost prove that he wasn’t completely fucked up by them and that he did have the capacity to be warm and loving, because at his core he is. Sirius is an incredibly loving person and he has so much to give. That’s why he abhors the idea of letting down his friends, of deceiving people he cares for, of being anything less than his authentic self. That certainly extends into his sexuality. Sirius can’t imagine censoring himself because he’s already done that for sixteen years. He pretended – and he definitely did try, like Sirius without a doubt would have attempted to play along with his parents’ wishes at least for a time – but in the end the weight of that would have come close to crushing him. Sirius needs to be free.When it comes to actually falling in love with another person, Sirius would need to feel like they were IT. Like although he definitely loves people little pieces at a time, he gives out parts of himself and is generous with affection and kindness because that is what he wants in return… there is a part of him that is locked up and kept far, far away from other people. Only a few people have seen the depths of that person (James, probably; Remus; Regulus, to an extent), but I doubt that even they would really grasp the intensity of Sirius’ being. I think there’s a tendency in fanon to portray Sirius as someone who, once he fell in love, would give everything he had to that one person. As if it would be so easy for someone who has in essence practiced self-censorship and reservation for the majority of his life to be like yeah, let’s do this. No way. Sirius is private. He’s complex. What sets him apart is not that he finds loving difficult, on the contrary; it’s frighteningly easy for him – but that he doesn’t know what to do after that point. How can he let someone see that blackness inside? How can someone see his melancholy, his pain, the twisted, fucked up parts of himself, and accept that? How can he do that, when he can barely understand it himself? It’s no wonder Sirius was single in canon. I know there’s the hand-wavey excuse that “he was so busy to date” and yes, I can buy that. But I think there’s a part of Sirius that also believes he’s not good enough for love. Not real love. So he gives his own love away more freely, dedicates himself to more causes, pushes and pushes and fights and burns because that is where he can put his love: into things that will make a difference, that will make a change. Because at the end of the day, Sirius doesn’t think he can change. He’ll say he can. But he doesn’t believe it.TL;DR: Sirius is more broken than people believe.
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