Pages from the vault

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"I love you" feels like a compliment to me. - Pages from the vault

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Thoughts of infertility are killing me An empty womb is what I let consume me Post after post of others pregnancy announcements feel like daggers in my heart I fall apart to the thought of never being called "mom" So many tears I've cried Dying on the inside while I'm told "you'd be a great mother" So I wonder why I'm facing a battle of one line on the stick If only the stork would visit me I'd do my best My child would have the world if I just had a chance to show them it My worth is deteriorating It's infuriating thinking that the reason I'm here is to reproduce And having everyone tell me I'm too stressed and need to let loose It'll happen to me is what they say So I sit and I pray to God Begging and pleading Lord, if there's any prayer you answer please let it be this one I don't care if it's a daughter or son I won't be picky just pick me next Each month I grieve for the mom I want to be So I will continue to pray for the day my miracle smiles at me

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Buttons

I sit on our bed and think how did we get here 

From puppy love to venomous fights 

Each word stings harder than the last just to get our points across but never to listen 

Afterward I regulate

Processing what I just said and immediately go to apologize just to be let known that I hit the button 

The button you thought was buried so deep inside no one would find it 

Except for me 

I guess thats what 7 years will do

You let down your guard and open the door to a room full of buttons 

Buttons to your feelings and emotions 

At first, I pushed all the buttons that made you fall in love with me 

As time passed, I learned the frustration button 

I tried to avoid it because I didn't like who you were when that button got pushed 

Frustration turned to anger and anger was scary 

Like a child, I'd hide and try to undo the damage I'd done

Hoping that hiding meant the button timer would wear off and you'd be happy again 

Somewhere along the way, the buttons' timer added more and more time until I didn't know when you'd go back to being you

The longer the button was pushed, the more I hid 

When your buttons' timer was up, mine was expected to be up as well and we'd move on 

Once the anger button got pushed, you'd slam the door in my face

I didn't mean to push the button 

I just wanted attention & to spend time with you 

But that was demanding too much 

My sadness button went down and the timer increased  

The loneliness button is the worst but you threw a brick at it and it wont come back up 

Every time your anger button got pushed, you'd stomp on your stress relief button 

When this button was pushed, a large monitor would appear with a rainbow lit keyboard and a white light up mouse

The screen would flash different scenes and when I'd interrupt,

The anger button's timer would triple 

I tried my hardest to avoid those buttons

I broke into the button room and pushed the love button over and over and over, but it was broken 

Somehow the wiring was mixed, and the anger button was pushed instead 

I ran out the button room and shut the door

What had I done? 

I didnt mean to push those buttons 

I went to my button room and cried  

Tears streamed down my face and in between the buttons 

There was a large spark and now I don't know what button is which or how to fix it

I asked you for help but each button you pushed made my emotions go crazy 

I didn't know what to do 

I pleaded for us to go to a repair shop and rewire our buttons 

You refused but I didn't want our buttons to stay this way

Your idea was to lock the button room doors and give someone else the key

But my buttons ... They're broken 

& I want you to want to fix this with me 

[pages-from-the-vault]

I deserve better.

There. I said it. 

I. Deserve. Better.

In case you read this, 

I hope you know you suck.

I gave you everything I had to offer 

And begged you for the bare minimum.

I tore myself apart trying to be what you wanted.

I lost myself while loving you. 

At the end of the day, you loved you more.

It was always about you. 

[pages-from-the-vault]

Constantly asking myself, “What’s wrong with me”

Only to be picked apart piece by piece 

No where to go, no one would understand 

That’s your game 

Realizing you were the master pulling the strings

Obeying you so we wouldn’t argue but

Love does not feel like this 

Let me go

I deserve better 

Not everyone gets it right the first time 

Good riddance