It's scary what a Smile can Hide.

The thing is, what if I like being messed up?

[painfully-smiling]

A goodbye note-

It wasn't you, it wasn't your actions. It really wasn't.

באמת אני מבטיחה. זאת אני.

זה לא שלא עשיתם משהו מספיק טוב זה לא שלא הסתכלם חזק מספיק. אני נראית חזקה, בגדול אני גם באמת חזקה. וראיתם אותי בטוב. והרע היה ככ שולי ומטומטם.

לא עזבתי בגלל הרע שהיה לי בחיים. עזבתי בגללי. נתתי לעצמי להפוך לקליפה של אדם שתלויה ברוח, אפילו משב קטן יכל לשבור אותי לחצי.

כולכם חשובים לי. מאוד. והיה לי הרבה אושר בחיים, והרבה תקוות וחלומות. אל תאמינו שלא.

דכאון זה ככ שונה ממה שאנשים מאמינים. זה כאילו העולם בתדר מסוים, בקצב מסוים, ואני האטתי קצת. לא הצלחתי לעמוד בקצב. כל נשימה שלי הרגישה שניה מאוחרת מדי. כל דפיקת לב כאילו התפספסה ברגע. וזה כואב. אפילו לא כואב, זה מתיש.

וזה באמת לא עליכם, כל סבל שהיה לי הבאתי על עצמי, בחרתי שגוי, בחרתי נגדי. והכל פשוט הגיע בקצת הרבה קצת מדי ולא הצלחתי לעמוד נגד הזרם. נסחפתי עמוק מדי והתחלתי לטבוע.

לא היה איך לראות את זה, לכולם יש ימים רעים. מי היה מנחש שזה יוביל לשם.

התכוונתי לקחת ככ הרבה כדורים, רציתי ללכת לישון כמו אבא ולא לקום.

רציתי פשוט לנוח לתקופה ואני באמת מצטערת שזאת צריכה להיות תקופה קבועה.

היו לי חלומות והיו לי הישגים. אני באמת מתחננת שלא תפקפקו בזה. אל תפקפקו בכל שיחה שהייתה לנו, בכל חיוך וצחוק שחלקנו. מבחינתי זה היה אמיתי וככה זה צריך גם להיות מבחינתכם.

אולי פשוט לא התאמתי. ניסיתי ממש אני מבטיחה. אבל אולי לא התאמתי לעולם.

כשהייתי קטנה זה היה הרבה יותר ברור כמה אני לא בקצב הנכון, כמה המוח שלי צעד אחד הצידה מהכל.

למדתי ממש יפה להסוות את זה. למדתי אפילו להיות טובה בזה אבל זה קשה זה סוחט וזה מפורר אותי לאט לאט כי זה לא אני.

אני לא יודעת מי אני. יותר מעשור נתתי לעצמי לשחק משחק, נתתי לזה להפוך להיות האופי שלי ואיבדתי זהות לחלוטין.

אני לא יודעת מה הייתה המטרה שלי בחיים, אולי המטרה הייתה בפועל למות.

תמיד רציתי לנצח את הזמן, היה לי קשה להתמודד עם כל מה שהוא לקח ממני ובפנים תמיד ידעתי שהדרך לנצח אותו זה לתת לו לקחת אותי גם. להבלע בשחור איתו.

נתתי לעצמי לבנות את כל היסודות בחיים שלי מזכוכית, מיסודות רעועים. הספיק שרק עמוד אחד יסדק כדי שכל המגדל יפול וזה עליי.

טעיתי מההתחלה, התבגרתי לא נכון.

בגלל זה אני חושבת שגם מיציתי לטעות במקום מסוים, הכל נראה מזויף הכל נראה לא אמיתי.

אני מקווה שהכל זה משחק וידיאו, שגלגול נשמות זה אמיתי ולא עוד חרא שבני אדם האכילו את עצמם כדי לא לפחד מהסוף.

אני מקווה שאני איפשהו כרגע מתחילה מחדש, במקום אחר בעולם, בתור ילד אחר עם חיים שכנראה יהיו קשים יותר אבל שהפעם אני לא אטעה ככ כמו שטעיתי כאן.

אולי העצב שלי ילך איתי גם לשלב הבא. ואולי טעיתי טעות מרה ואין שלב הבא. אולי זה לא משחק של מריו ואין פה אף שומרי מקום ואין להתחיל את המפה שוב והיה לי צאנס אחד בקונספט הזה של חיים ופישלתי.

אבל אולי לא, אולי אני רק משאירה לכם גוף דומם וזכרונות ואני זוכה להתחיל מחדש.

אני מקווה שהפעם אני אגיע קצת פחות שבורה, פחות עצובה, פחות עייפה.

בבקשה אל תאשימו את עצמכם, חשבתי רק על עצמי כשהלכתי לישון, חשבתי רק על כמה אני עייפה. עוד בחירה אנוכית שלי.

אל תנציחו אותי גם, אין לכם מה. אני לא גלי. אל תקעקעו את הזכרון שלי ואל תעשו מפגשים לזכרי.

יהיה טוב לכם בחיים, אני חייבת להאמין.

נתראה בגלגול הבא

[painfully-smiling]

I loved you

Life loved you

But

At the end

Death loved you the most

At night I wonder

If I loved you a bit harder

Would you still be here

?

- a letter to replace the one you didn't leave for me

[painfully-smiling]

A while back, my father passed away, and so I went got a tattoo that reminded me o him. Years later a friend of mine died in an accident, and to cherish her light, I inked myself again. This went on for a while - the more loved ones I've lost, the more marks I've left on my body. My mom told me it wasn't healthy, that I can't keep turning myself into a living cemetery. And yet sometimes, when it's late at night and I look at the moon, I hope that when I die, and all my memories and my pain will leave this world with me, you'll have the moon on your body, and feel me with you like I've felt my loves with me in hard times.

[painfully-smiling]

I'm not trying to compliment my figure. I'm trying to feel comfortable in my own skin.

[painfully-smiling]

Oh me? No I'm very happy. I just wouldn't have mind killing myself if you'd ask me very nicely.

[painfully-smiling]

I am occasionally mildly-numb to the sadness in my mind. And if that's not happiness I don't know what is.

Me, being asked if I'm happy.

[boonanasplits]

daily reminder to click a button so you can give free food to a shelter!!

[aelx]

if every one of my followers did this, we could give more than 85 meals to less-fortunate animals. for free.

[poeticpines]

AH HHA ITS BACK YES PLEASE IT TAKES A SECOND OF YOUR TIME AND A LIFE OF AN ANIMAL

[spiicy]

100 reasons NOT to kill yourself

1. we would miss you. 2. it’s not worth the regret. either by yourself if you failed or just simply left scars, or the regret everyone else feels by not doing enough to help you. 3. it does get better. believe it or not it will eventually get better. sometimes you have to go through the storm to get to the rainbow. 4. there’s so much you would miss out on doing. 5. there is always a reason to live. it might not be clear right now, but it is always there. 6. so many people care, and it would hurt them if you hurt yourself. 7. you ARE worth it. don’t let anyone, especially yourself, tell you otherwise. 8. you are amazing. 9. a time will come, once you’ve battled the toughest times of your life and are in ease once again, where you will be so glad that you decided to keep on living. you will emerge stronger from this all, and won’t regret your choice to carry on with life. because things always get better. 10. what about all the things you’ve always wanted to do? what about the things you’ve planned, but never got around to doing? you can’t do them when you’re dead. 11. i love you. even if only one person loves you, that’s still a reason to stay alive. 12. you won’t be able to listen to music if you die. 13. killing yourself is never worth it. you’ll hurt both yourself and all the people you care about. 14. there are so many people that would miss you, including me. 15. you’re preventing a future generation, YOUR KIDS, from even being born. 16. how do you think your family would feel? would it improve their lives if you died? 17. you’re gorgeous, amazing, and to someone you are perfect. 18. think about your favourite music artist, you’ll never hear their voice again. 19. you’ll never have the feeling of walking into a warm building on a cold day 20. listening to incredibly loud music. 21. being alive is just really good. 22. not being alive is really bad. 23. finding your soulmate. 24. red pandas 25. going to diners at three in the morning. 26. really soft pillows. 27. eating pizza in neww york city. 28. proving people wrong with your success. 29. watching the jerks that doubted you fail at life. 30. seeing someone trip over a garbage can. 31. being able to help other people. 32. bonfires. 33. sitting on rooftops. 34. sweing every single country in the world. 35. going on roadtrips. 36. you might win the lottery someday. 37. listening to music on a record player. 38. going to the top of the eiffel tower. 39. taking really cool pictures. 40. literally meeting thousands of new people. 41. hearing crazy stories. 42. telling crazy stories. 43. eating ice cream on a hot day. 44. more harry potter books could come out, you never know. 45. travelling to another planet someday. 46. having an underwater house. 47. randomly running into your hero on the street. 48. having your own room at a fancy hotel. 49. trampolines. 50. think about your favourite movie, you’ll never watch it again. 51. think about the feeling of laughing out loud in a public place because your best friend has just sent you an inside joke. 52. tour survival will make the world better, even if it’s for just one person or 20 or 100 or more. 53. people do care. 54. treehouses. 55. hanging out with your soul mate in a treehouse. 55. snorting when you laugh and not caring who sees. 56. i don’t even know you and i love you. 57. i don’t even know you and i care about you. 58. because nobody is going to be like you ever, so embrace your uniqueness! 59. you won’t be here to experience the first cat world emperor. 60. WHAT ABOUT FOOD?! YOU’LL MISS CHOCOLATE AND ALL THE OTHER NOM THINGS! 61. starbucks. 62. hugs. 63. stargazing. 64. you have a purpose, and it’s up to you to find out what it is. 65. you’ve changed somebody’s life. 66. now you could change the world. 67. you will meet the person that’s perfect for you. 68. no matter how much or how little, you have your life ahead of you. 69. you have the chance to save somebody’s life. 70. if you end your life, you’re stopping yourself from achieving great things. 71. making snow angels. 72. making snowmen. 73. snowball fights. 74. life is what you make of it. 75. everybody has a talent. 76. laughing until you cry. 77. having the ability to be sad means you have the ability to be happy. 78. the world would not be the same if you didn’t exist. 79.its possible to turn frowns, upside down 80. be yourself, don’t take anyone’s sh*t, and never let them take you alive. 81. heroes are ordinary people who make themselves extraordinary. be your own hero. 82. heing happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. it means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections. 83. one day your smile will be real. 84. having a really hot, relaxing bath after a stressful day. 85. lying on grass and laughing at the clouds. 86. getting completely smashed with your best friends. 87. eating crazy food. 88. staying up all night watching your favourite films with a loved one. 89. sleeping in all day. 90. creating something you’re proud of. 91. you can look back on yourself 70 years later and being proud you didn’t commit. 92. being able to meet your internet friends! 93. tea/coffee/hot chocolate. 94. dan and phil. 95. cuddling under the stars. 96. being stupid in public because you just can. 97. if you are reading this then you are alive! is there any more reason to smile? 98. being able to hug that one person you havent seen in years. 99. people care enough about you and your future to come up with 100 reasons for you not to do this. 100. but, the final and most important one is, just, being able to experience life. because even if your life doesn’t seem so great right now, literally anything could happen!

& if that isn’t enough:

-depression hotline: [phone] -suicide hotline: [phone] -lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 -trevor project: 1-866-488-7386 -sexuality support: 1-800-246-7743 -eating disorders hotline: [phone] -rape and sexual assault: 1-800-656-4673 -grief support: 1-650-321-5272 -runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000 -exhale: ater abortion hotline/pro-voice: 1-866-4394253 -child abuse: 1-800-422-4453

UK HELPLINES: -samaritans (for any problem): 08457909090 e-mail [email protected] -childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem): 08001111 -mind infoline (mental health information): 0300 123 3393 e-mail: [email protected] -mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice): 0300 466 6463 [email protected] -b-eat eating disorder support: 0845 634 14 14 (only open mon-fri 10.30am-8.30pm and saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: [email protected] -b-eat youthline (for under 25’s with eating disorders): 08456347650 (open mon-fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, saturday 1pm-7pm) -cruse bereavement care: 08444779400 e-mail: [email protected] -frank (information and advice on drugs): 0800776600 -drinkline: 0800 9178282 -rape crisis england & wales: 0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail [email protected] -rape crisis scotland: 08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight -india self harm hotline: [phone] -india suicide helpline: 022-27546669 -kids help phone (canada): 1-800-668-6868, free and available 24/7

SUICIDE HOTLINES; -argentina: 54-0223-493-0430 -australia: 13-11-14 -austria: 01-713-3374 -barbados: 429-9999 -belgium: 106 -botswana: 391-1270 -brazil: 21-233-9191 -china: 852-2382-0000 (hong kong: 2389-2222) -costa Rica: 606-253-5439 -croatia: 01-4833-888 -cyprus: 357-77-77-72-67 -czech republic: 222-580-697, 476-701-908 -denmark: 70-201-201 -egypt: 762-1602 -estonia: 6-558-088 -finland: 040-5032199 -france: 01-45-39-4000 -germany: 0800-181-0721 -greece: 1018 -guatemala: 502-234-1239 -holland: 0900-0767 -honduras: 504-237-3623 -hungary: 06-80-820-111 -iceland: 44-0-8457-90-90-90 -israel: 09-8892333 -italy: 06-705-4444 -japan: 3-5286-9090 -latvia: 6722-2922, 2772-2292 -malaysia: 03-756-8144 (singapore: 1-800-221-4444) -mexico: 525-510-2550 -netherlands: 0900-0767 -new zealand: 4-473-9739 -new guinea: 675-326-0011 -nicaragua: 505-268-6171 -norway: 47-815-33-300 -philippines: 02-896-9191 -poland: 52-70-000 -portugal: 239-72-10-10 -russia: 8-20-222-82-10 -spain: 91-459-00-50 -south africa: 0861-322-322 -south korea: 2-715-8600 -sweden: 031-711-2400 -switzerland: 143 -taiwan: 0800-788-995 -thailand: 02-249-9977 -trinidad and tobago: 868-645-2800 -ukraine: 0487-327715

just in case you’re having a hard time.

stay strong.

[society-sucks--enjoy-your-stay]

Reblogging because everyone needs this in their lives

[mypsychology]

Here to help y'all gorgeous children

[takeasuiteskywalker]

This is v important

[extrasad]

What happens once you kill yourself? Because I'm ready to go.

You wanna know what happens once you kill yourself? Your mother comes home from work and finds her baby dead and she screams and runs over to you and tries to get you to wake up but you won’t and she keeps screaming and shaking you and her tears are dripping onto your face and your dad hears all the screaming and runs into the room and he can’t even speak because the child that he loved and the child that he watched grow up is gone forever and finally your little sister runs into the room to see what all the fuss is about and she sees you dead. The person she looked up to and loved. The person she bragged about to  her friends, the person she wanted to be just like when she grew up, the person that made her feel safe. But she’s never really going to get to grow up and smile and laugh and love because she’ll always be consumed with this feeling of missing you. And now there’s something missing from your family and they can barely look at each other anymore because everything reminds them of you but you’re gone and hurts more than anything. and you think that your mom never cared because she was always busy and yelling at you to finish your homework and clean your room and forgot to say I love you sometimes but really, she loved you more than anything and she doesn’t leave the house anymore, she can’t even get out of bed and she’s getting thinner and thinner because it’s too hard to eat. Your father had to quit his job and he doesn’t sleep anymore, every time he closes his eyes he sees his baby dead, and the image never goes away no matter how much alcohol he drinks. And at school your best friend sees that your seat is empty and she gets this sick feeling in her stomach and that’s when she hears the announcement. You killed yourself. And suddenly she’s screaming and crying in the middle of class and no one even bothers comforting because they’re all  busy sitting there staring at your empty seat with tears dripping down their cheeks and all she wants is for you to hug her and tell her it’s gonna be okay like you always did, but this time, you’re not there to do it, everything is dark now that you’re gone and her grades are slipping, she barely goes to school anymore and she ended up in hospital after taking too many pills because she wanted to see you again. the girls who used to make fun of the way you dressed feel their throats get tight, they don’t talk to each other anymore, they don’t talk to anyone, they’re all in therapy trying so hard not to blame themselves but nothing works. and your teacher who always gave you a hard time stares blankly at the wall, she quits her job a few days later. And then your boyfriend hears the news and he can’t breathe, he still calls you a lot just to hear your voice and he talks to you on facebook but you never message him back, he can’t fall in love again because every girl he meets reminds him of you, he’s never going to get over you, he loved you and he cries himself to sleep every night, hating himself and slicing his skin because he couldn’t save you and he’s never going to hold you in his arms or hear you laugh again. Now everyone who knew you, whether they were a big part of your life or someone you passed in the hallway a few times a week, they carry this aching feeling around inside them because you’re gone, and they miss you, and they don’t know why you left but it must’ve been their fault and they should’ve stopped you and they should’ve told you they loved you more and that feeling is never going to go away. And so you killed yourself

but you killed everyone else around you too. 

[martinawrites]

this need to be on everyone’s blog

[sleepybambi]

this makes me think..

[janoskipornhub-deactivated20150]

God bless whoever wrote this.

[ioanaslovesongs]

im crying

[phanscuddles]

I never usually reblog things like this.. but if it saves just one persons life… please take thime to read this even if you think there is no point in living. Please.

[sent-imental]

please please PLEASE reblog this

[painfully-smiling]

tarot reader: now I will show you your fortune

me: cool I guess

tarot reader: why is every card death, what the fuck, I don't even have that many death cards

me: figures

[coral]

[slayybbygrl]

[boys-and-suicide-deactivated201]

I just wanted everyone to see how scary having an eating disorder is, especially coming from someone who struggled with it for several years.

[littlemissprincessjellyfish]

This made me cry…

[breannavida]

My mom suffered from bulimia most of her life. My junior year of high school she was hospitalized because it got so bad. She weighed 103 at 5'6. She never explained to my sister and I, at how bad it was until they made her inpatient. She just said she’s going to a place where “she can get help”. She’s also a recovering addict so I assumed it was that. I didn’t see her for 2 months and we would visit every weekend when she was there. I still remember the day we all sat on the grass in front on a blanket and she finally told us why she was there. I was 17. Now I am 23 and years later I had a college course on nutrition. I watched a video of women struggling to keep weight on and having various eating disorders. I couldn’t sit through the movie because it hurt so bad to watch them struggle. I’m reblogging this because it isn’t always the person with the eating disorder that suffers. She hasn’t purged since 2008. I just want you all to know you can get through this and love yourself. Please know you’re worth so much more than you think you are. I swear and I promise, you will get through this. Don’t give up!

[jeonkookiejar-deactivated202107]

I had been bullied into an eating disorder to the point that I was in a hospital with a feeding tube down my throat. Watch out what you tell people guys because of my eating disorder I have a lot of stomach and digestion problems and can barely eat now whether I want to or not. It’s terrifying, but for those fighting one now don’t give up, things get better

[boys-and-suicide-deactivated201]

This post gets better each time I check it

[brunetteversusworld]

I was hospitalized over a year ago after being diagnosed with anorexia. Today I thought about letting myself relapse because I felt like no one else understood what it was like for someone battling an eating disorder… I thought only people with eating disorders understood. That comment, coming from the girl whose mother had bulimia, just changing my plans. Thank you. 507 days free from Ana.

[boys-and-suicide-deactivated201]

This is so powerful

[cityofbluemangos-deactivated202]

please reblog this

[laura-palmers-library]

this is honestly how it feels. please get out of you still can. trust me the pounds lost aren’t worth the other health issues

[idontlikethisgameanymore]

[domharris]

But at some point you have to stop being so angry, you have to stop being so sad, you have to stop killing yourself and start being gentle with yourself. At some point you have to just let it all go and be happy, you have to spread love instead of being afraid of it. You have to love yourself and everyone around you before its too late. Dont waste away being unhappy over trivial things dear. Dont do it. Dont do it to yourself and dont let other people do it to you.

N (via askabout-nikki)

advice

(via itcuddles)

[sunnydaysseemfaraway]