[painnus]

I have no where else to turn.

I'm sad. I'm really sad. Still.

[painnus]

I feel alone.

I keep speratically crying. I need to hold it together.

[painnus]

I'm scared I'm going to lose you.

I love you.

[painnus]

cute

[painnus]

uhhh....

So last week I decided to get ahead of schedule and organize my next few months, more efficiently. That way I have more time for more important things...

.....I've realized with this extra time... I just sit around and think of my ex.

FAIL.

[cosmicwizdom]

[painnus]

Rant

The challenging endeavor of seizing ones own feelings of love and endearment for anothers benefit is a challenging one. I see myself in repitition; some moments aloof and able; others, breaking behind my smile. Although any whom that look upon me would not see the shattered ankles in which keep me moving forward, they are shattered, nontheless. 

I find myself questioning whether or not I'm a regret or just a nuisance in which would not move on. I know that because of how uncertain I am between these two, breaks me even more. How uncertain I am if you love/loved me, breaks me even more. My emotions and feeling remain the same for you but I stand fast at the words in which you said to me and I am attempting to fulfill them. I am trying. Its difficult. Its difficulties just bare more hardships then waiting for you to return. 

The reasoning why is because;... Throughout my life, I had waited for you. All the moments I was alone, as I am now, I had waited for you. The story behind this is too long explain to an audience without anyone listening. Maybe one day, I'll explain why, thoroughly. But that is only if you ever wish to know. 

[hplyrikz]

I can relate to this

[painnus]

I hate how true this is ._. .....and I dont hate a lot of things.

[painnus]

imagine

Turn on Subtitles for Lyrics.. This is just a excerpt to the actual song. Tell me what you think. :)

I wrote this a few weeks ago but decided to excerpt it. Its a onetake recording so the vocals are ratchet, but its the unedited version. anyways. enjoy 

[painnus]

To you.

I don't know how I'm getting through each day. I don't know how I go days without crying when all I really want to do is cry. I cant say there hasn't been a moment I haven't thought of you. I'm so ashamed of myself for reacting this way. I'm trying. I'm really trying to move on. But its hard.... Love and infatuation was truly defined when I met you. But I knew I was going to. Its so hard to not tell you the truth to how long I've been waiting for you. When I truly first found out you existed, and how my whole life of love and relationships all led up to you. Its so hard not to tell you I miss you,... When I always have. I wonder if you ever thought about why I took SOOOO many pictures when we were together. I wonder if you REALIZEd how I knew. I wonder a lot of things. Whatever.. I'm suppose to be over you. So i'm just going to pretend I am until I am... Which I never will be. I love you though. I really do.

[words-of-emotion]

x

[kushandwizdom]

[veryfunnymemes]

Good Vibes HERE

[uncoveredbylove-deactivated2023]

[painnus]

bleh

[painnus]

Ji Hyon.

In times when I cant smile. I will smile for you-so you wont see the weight I carry. When I cant talk from the breath's I dont take, I will walk away, and sit within my spaces in spaces- so you wont see the weight I carry. When the floods fall from my eyes, you will not hear the thunder from my cry- so you wont see or hear, the weight I carry. but know- I cry every millisecond in seconds of seconds, even in smiles, laughs, and in the silence of words unsaid- because of the weight I carry. But if ever you do hear, see, feel, what I've tried to hide. The pain of my own, of waiting forever and a night. ...Apologies. I didnt know i'd break either... from the weight I carry. conclusively. I will treasure those moments in wait for no one-is what i'll say. Even though, I was always waiting for you, ji hyon. Every moment. Every day.

I love you.

I sought to humble my treasures. The few things that I can call my own- but most importantly, the ones that circumference me. A time ago, when the earth, circled the sun one less time than it has now. I had shattered from the sights that my eyes had saw. Though frailty is the risk in which we carry when we love. I built my own, ---unbreakable- but it broke that day. In the chapel of the lords some seek in this world, I sat a row adjacent to see the one I thought was to sit at my side, do as they all have. ....It broke me. I cried so many tears, that even my tears fell from my eyes. as I sat in my spaces in spaces. and even as time had passed, one time, two times, tears fall from my eyes, even when i'm in spaces in spaces. you said to me last week, "i'm sorry for hurting you continuously, but you're also doing this to yourself." May I ask? Am I? ...I was not aware that loving someone parallel to what some may define as unconditionally, is actually an attempt to self inflict an emotional burden upon myself. This whole time, I thoguht it meant that I will never stop loving you and putting you first. I guess i'm just a bit silly then. Although I'm certain these words you will never see, I want to include, I'm sorry and I love you thats why I'm trying to let you go, for you. But my emotions do not fade. i stand there. Still. So still. I waited without movement for 8 years for 3 weeks, with you. Held myself in patience for love for 2 more years.... For it is LOVE that is worth the scars I feel... So as I finish this last few lines of chatter, I want you to understand- Just because my feelings arent recipricated- That does not mean my love for you is not for you. I love you. So I let you go. As you had asked me to.

...But every moment, of every day. Know i'm crying in my spaces in spaces as my pain and us, .. remained.. just my pain.

[painnus]

I'm a little more okay, today.. For not being okay at all. 

I sat alone... ..All along. 

I guess the seat next to me is just a foot rest. :/

[painnus]

Just another 24 hours...

Counting each second as it passes... 

..Hiding these words from my lips...

.....But never hidden...

......I've waited so long to tell you..

....I Love You. 

April 19th, 2013. You and I were at the Vera Project Studio (KEY ARENA), backstage to Jason Chen and Tiffany Alvord's Concert. You wore a dingy black pair of jeans, a purple top, and a long sleeve button-up that wasn't buttoned-up; for more of a casual dress compilation. You had these large loop earrings that beautifully accented your face, as your bangs parted to the left. You had a thin pair of frames with lens' as thick as a magnifying glass with these cute black boots on...  But to me, ------all that was just details... To Love someone in a distant parallel as I have loved you, could only be defined as Loving someone-unconditionally.

I Loved You, unconditionally.

                         ...and then some.

                  As I cherished those fleeting moments where having you adjacent to me were already a rare occasion, I chose to spend each precious moment of it solidifying your certainty on how much I Loved You. 

        As our fickle relationship began to consist of one-sided text messages, glittered starlight-nights laying in the grass, and too little time-and too busy being busy for me, again-days; I had realized that not Loving You was NOT an option. Instead, I had spent those days and nights as my pockets clenched my Phablet like a lighthouse to a ship, jumping and at each sound of my ringtone-just in case you decided to reply. All in the while, wishing you were at my side instead of spending another night alone. 

           "Honestly, I'm not sure if I should Just keep holding on or let go;

       its stupid to hold on to something that just keeps hurting, but its also

                      stupid to let go of everything you've ever wanted". -Torin Rush

    You made me happy thinking about not being alone, anymore. 

Do you remember what I said??? "No matter what happens, I just want you to be SURE that I LOVE YOU... KNOW I LOVE YOU. .. BECAUSE.. I'VE ALWAYS LOVED YOU."

Lastly, go to your E-Mail. [email protected] I left one final message for you there. 

[yebrensaye]

[dinocor]

One of the worst feelings in life is watching the person you love, love someone else. As much as it hurts you to not be the one by their side, all you can really do is be happy for them and hope that they get treated right.

[painnus]

I KNOW RIGHT?!!!              The struggle. ._. RAWR