Pair. and a Spare.

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Speed Dating.

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this just in.

the guy who hate fucked me back in college.. 

[this one -- did mad drugs all night. and drank. then everyone paired off.. and I got stuck with this one. he did the whole "oh you can just sleep in my bed.. I won't try anything. It'll be so much more comfortable than the couch. And I promise.. I'll keep my hands to myself."

Fast forward 15 min (tops), he's passed out. and it's 6am on a Sunday. And snoring. LOUD. as fuck. So, I snuck out. Walk of shamed back to the sorority house -- yep. holding my heels and looking a mess. and seeing people walk their dogs before they head to church. die.]

..is now engaged. And one of my best girl's RSJ's fuck buddy from most of college -- "the douche" as he so lovingly came to be called.. got married over the weekend.

Somehow, these dickhead guys are finding girls. to marry. and to have their children. to have families with them.

and my girls and I are still single. Albeit further in our careers than a lot of girls post-grad who are married.. and generally pretty happy with where we're at. But I know I have no real prospects in sight. As much fun as being single and focusing on myself is.. It's exhausting sometimes.. and annoying. and just getting old.

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The perfect first date dress is one that says 'You can take me home to your mom, and I may give you a blowjob on the way'.

[attimirubati-deactivated2012042]

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Isaac's Live Lip-Dub Proposal (by RobertaFosse)

I generally hate this crap. But this is beautiful.. 

[tomyhusband]

A Rational, Intelligent Argument

I don’t mind having one. I don’t even mind losing one. I only mind if you don’t know how to make one.

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Do you ever think..

shit. I'm going to be single forever? 

Am I too picky? Am I not picky enough and waste my time on these dickheads? 

And then I think. fuck that. I know a) I'm a catch and I'm not fucking crazy and b) I'm not settling. I don't have delusions of grandeur when it comes to romance.. I don't want some knight in shining armor. That shit is for the birds. 

What I do want is a complement to myself and where I am in life. Someone to call me on my bullshit, and someone I want to spend time with, meanwhile keeping my own identity. Someone who my girls love and can go out with him even without me and its not weird for anyone. It's not too much to ask, because I've seen it. 

So now I'm stuck. Do I continue to go on dates.. and hope that one of these guys ends up being "that guy" (I don't like saying "the one".. b/c who knows.. there definitely is "the one for that point in life" which may happen to be your whole life.. but who can say..) OR do I just stop looking as to what's out there and hope for the best. I generally like being proactive with my life.. being idle was never my thing. But maybe it's worth a shot.

Dating is fun.. and is also bullshit. Meh.

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The "Consultant".

This one is actually a name he's given himself. According to instagram. How do I know this? He found me on there, and creepily likes random photos of mine.  Keep in mind, we went on ONE date.

I assume he's a consultant. I zoned out, and focused in on the bottles of wine on the table instead of listening to him ramble on (and on and on) about him and his life. Without even asking me if I like shrimp (not their biggest fan) he went ahead an ordered for us (eyeroll) a ridiculously shrimp-y appetizer. And I ordered for us, the most expensive bottle of red. tit for tat.

The date was a bust.. and I forgot about him.  He texted once every couple of days while I was traveling to visit family, and I never told him I returned.  Well that became quickly apparent when I was out with 2 of my best friends down here at the bar he actually took me to for our first date. I remember it being really cute, and one that I'd never heard of before.. so I made note of it for future reference.  I guess it's his first date spot.. because on that exact random Thursday night, he came there with a dreadfully depressing looking girl.  And I wish I was exaggerating. 

Instead of politely saying hello and moving to another part of the bar, he sits down with his date next to us. NEXT to. Really. He stares at me for a while until he gets my attention, and then we exchange "hello"s and we go back to our separate convos. Then when we want to order our next round, we find out from the bartender that he has offered to buy our next round. Top shelf cocktails, hello.

If that's not enough, and extremely embarrassing for his date (we thanked him in her face), he started to text me during their date. Calling me "boo" (bye) and saying that they were just "fiends" (spellcheck please) and that it was "good to see you". Greaattt.

What's there to say, but thank you? Then we politely nod goodbye.. and leave. He was obnoxiously talking at full volume about all his accomplishments to his date with flourishes.. thus confirming my good decision to never text him again.

If only he got the hint that we're not friends.. nor am I his "boo". Tragic. Now I got to figure out how to block people on instagram. gah.

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Dating is like poker..

Never reveal your hand too soon. Straight. Face, y'all.

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Ew. Just. gross.

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Vacation. Stacked.

Finally have a vacation.. and after spending a weekend with my favorite girls and catching up with some of my best people from school, it's time to get my swag back on. I have another week of real vacation before school starts to take over my life and really kick my butt again, so I'm taking full advantage.

Friday: drinks with this guy who was more handsome in pics than IRL (but cute nonetheless) but turns out a racist, a homophobe.. and slightly sexist. Lose my number.

Saturday: Lunch with this ridiculously hot guy.. who doesn't speak. Or ask questions. It lasted exactly as long as our food took to order and scarf down. Fast. Next. Then drinks with this smart guy, same program, adjacent school. The PhD we'll call him bc he is as such already.. bearded, tall, glasses, ripped.. everything a girl like me wants in a man. We went from drinks to dinner.. and he even showed up with a rose and dogbones for my dog.. winner.

Sunday: Phone sex with ATL. He texts me pretty much everyday about random things.. pussy got him hooked, obviously. Such a good guy, and funny.. but like.. not here.

Monday: Grab a drink with PhD again.. walks me to my car.. NO kiss goodnight. Excuse me, what? He's not a big drinker (2 or 3 max.. so.. upside is he'll always be DD. Downside.. he may be the sober judgey guy. But maybe not.. time will tell). So I'ma play aloof for a while bc if he gets to date 3 and there's no kiss.. adios.

Tomorrow? (Tuesday): Date with this new guy on the rotation.. he looks a lot like Mac from Always Sunny (before he got fat) and we have ridiculously similar tastes in music.

Wed: Date with another new guy who I'm not really sure about. 1hr max, with option to bail. He's handsome, seems funny.. but a little reserved..? Great arm tats and ripped.. so.. hello.

Meeting friends after each happy hour date to catch up and fill them in.. plus it's vacay, so time to rage a little before life sucks again. This is fun, y'all. And why not..

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That awkward moment when.. he pulls these out.. and sure he's big.. but he's not MAGNUM big. Err.

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If your ring is any indication.. there will be a cash bar.

This was the weekend of what seemed like a hundred engagements.  And sure, I'm happy for you.. until I saw the rings.

Please. I'm not working this hard to get my career on track for you to get me a half carat (or less).  Sure love isn't about money.. but the ring matters, and if it's close to a carat, that shit better be flawless.  But also. I wouldn't turn down 2 carats. ha.

Judge if you want, but deep down, most girls want what they want.  And I'm looking for an equal. Emotionally.. and financially. I'm not working this hard to let some guy get into my piggy bank. Unless he's raising our kids.

He's paying for the rock. I'll pay for the party. And put down for the mortgage. Fair is fair.

Now get off my newsfeed/timeline with your busted fiancees and your miniscule rings.  If I have to read "I'm marrying my best friend" one more time.. 

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Excuse me, what?

This isn't a proper email. This is what I would expect a drunk person on the street to scream at someone (that's not me).  If this is dating in New Orleans, I'll be single until I leave this town.

I really also don't even understand what he's saying.. or care.

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Hi, crazy. [a convo after 1 date]

[preface -- we had set up an AM date for 11am to watch the St. Patty's Day parade. He called me at 1130 just waking up. So I said very matter-of-fact'ly that I would need to reschedule.. I have a lot to do today, If I finish early, maybe I'll stop by the parade and say hi, but "no promises". Direct quote. Ok..]

Guy: I'm headed to my garage to get my truck.. I'll be about 20-25 min. [15 min later] I'll hangtight for a few while you're looking at your 12:30

Me: [1 hr later] Sorry, just saw this - I'm with a realtor now. He's showing me some properties.

Guy: Ok. How long do you think?

Me: I'm not sure.. I really need to find a place today bc I need to get this handled.

Guy: I hear ya. I would think today is the worst day to look for a place. [1 minute later] I'm really sorry I was late.. I'd really like to see you later.. I'm trying to park [3 minutes later] I just found out one of my life long friends is in the hospital and has been for 2 weeks. This is turning into a shitty day.

Me: I'm sorry to hear that...

Guy: Thanks. [1 minute later] Can you give me a call when you finish up? [30 minutes later] Again, sorry for being late.. I hope you let me make it up to you..

Me: [no response]

Guy: [8 hrs later] Will you allow me to make it up to you? I'll never be late again. I've been kicking myself in the ass all day. I like you a lot.

Me: [no response]

Guy: [20 hrs later] Did I really piss you off that bad??

Me: No you didn't.. but after being bombarded with texts it's getting a little overwhelming, sorry. I'm just not interested in going on another date. I think you're a nice guy, but I don't think it's going to work. Sorry.

Guy: What the hell?? [1 minute later] Bombarded? I don't like being ignored.

Me: [no response]

Guy: Sorry I overslept. My alarm didn't go off. The highlight of my weekend was going to be seeing you sat.

Me: [no response]

Guy: Maybe if you'd just talk to me, all would be well.

Me: We've been on one date.. so I'm confused where this is coming from. I just think you're expecting too much after knowing me for one day..

Guy: [he calls. 2x.]

Me: I'm in the library. [lies.]

Guy: Not really. All I'd like now is for you to talk to me. [1 minute later] Like.. a conversation on the phone, not a damn text.

Me: I'm working right now. And need to concentrate on that because it is incredibly important. Please respect that. And please never contact me again.

Guy: Wow. That's hardcore. What did I do to you? I just wanted to make up for my error.

Me: [no response]

Guy: Why are you being so cold? I realize you're studying. All I wanted was a chance to make up for saturday. Why be a jerk to me?

Me: I'm not trying to be a jerk I'm just not interested anymore. I'm not looking for someone who is pushy, which is what you're coming across as right now. I'm not going to discuss this anymore with you. Have a good night.

Guy: You're coming across as a real jerk. Do you think I meant to mess up Saturday? I could tell you were upset with me. I've just been trying to make it up to you ever since.

Me: [no response]

Guy: Can you please call me when you have a moment? That's all I ask.

Me: [no response]

Guy: [18 hours later] Can you please call me when you have a moment?

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I'm a good woman. If he let's me go, someone's gonna scoop my good ol' ass up.

Nene Leakes. Real talk, ladies.