Another rant about some things Iāve read about Trin because Iād represent that man in court
Before BOCās announcement for the fancon, pretty much everyone on my feed was blaming and villainizing Trin for leaving Tanwa when he was at his lowest, which I can understand to some extent as I was upset too. But WHERE do you think Trin stood, probably only a few days after he saw the dead body of someone precious to him, whom he wanted to protect so badly because he saw the girlfriend he couldnāt protect in him ?
I feel like I say this ten times a day since the last episode aired, but Trin was grieving and reliving his trauma (and we have seen him having a PTSD episode so letās not forget how deeply he was still affected by said trauma even before Victorās death.) Healing from that is a long process, and in episode eight Trin is likely still in shock. Would it have been more obvious that he was suffering if we had seen him sobbing and refusing to leave his house ? Yes, but I donāt think we needed it, because people have widely different and complex reactions to such tragedies.Ā
Him and Tanwa process their sorrows differently: on one hand, we see Tanwa crashing out and hallucinating because he collapsed into drugs and alcohol; on the other hand, Trin is focusing on work and shutting down. This is not the first time weāve seen that, but Iāll come back to that later. Just keep in mind that itās worse this time because the situation is also so much worse.
One thing Iāve seen a lot is that Trin has gone from kind and empathetic to cold and emotionally distant.Ā
First of all, shutting down and therefore distancing yourself emotionally after a traumatizing experience is completely normal, itās quite literally your brain protecting you from the trauma. Itās some kind of dissociation, if you will. Dissociation can happen as a result of emotional trauma, which can be caused by physical or sexual assault, an accident, or any other traumatic event ā such as sudden and poorly supported bereavement (that should ring a bell).Ā
Traumatic dissociation causes emotional numbness, which prevent the person dissociating from reacting or even perceiving things properly. It can also cause withdrawal or relational discomfort. But even if he is not dissociating in the strict sense of the term, we knew that Trin has PTSD since the first episode; then he tells Krailert that he might have depression in the third episode; self isolation and emotional distance as a symptom/result of such mental health issues are not unheard of. So I feel like itās really not fair to blame Trin for being Ā«Ā emotionally distantĀ Ā».Ā
Side note: Iāve seen some posts from neurodivergent people who experience meltdowns and shutdowns saying they recognized themselves in him in these latest episodes (also, people who have experienced dissociation, which is why I mentioned it). I canāt tell whether Trin was meant to come across as neurodivergent, but given that his attachment to cleanliness and precise organization can resemble OCD, it's interesting to see that this could be a possible interpretation of his character.
And even if we were to not take his mental health issues into account, Trin has still every right to be mad at Tanwa and not to want to see him. Before anyone starts, I LOVE Tanwa, Iāll always be his number one defender and you will never catch me saying he was responsible for Victorās death or that he deserved to suffer like that. But we REALLY need to put ourselves in Trinās shoes here.
Trin did everything he could, but he surely thought he could have done even more if Tanwa had told him the truth. Logically, it probably wouldn't have changed anything, because even if Tanwa had told him the truth right away, Victorās mind still wasn't going to be changed and he was going to attend a protest where an armed person intended to shoot at the studentsā and therefore neither Tanwa nor he himself were to blame. And of course, all Tanwa wanted was to protect him. But there is a difference between what is logical, what Trin knows deep down or would gradually realize as he grieves, and what he feels. And what he feels is that Tanwa betrayed him by hiding the truth, which prevented him from trying to protect Victor as soon as possible, even though he told him he couldn't bear to lose anyone else.
He thinks Tanwa knew what was going to happen and chose not to tell anyone, and kept him away from the protest knowing full well that he wanted to do everything he could to protect the students BECAUSE THATāS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE FROM HIS POINT OF VIEW. Even if he understood that Tanwa wasn't responsible for Victor's death, it would have been understandable if Trin was still unable to forgive Tanwa for lying to him about something so serious, and therefore didn't want to see him.
To add, it's completely normal, when you've just lost someone dear to you, to find it hard to accept that there was nothing you could doāwhich is exactly what's happening to Trin. He cannot accept the fact that he did everything he could but it wasn't enough (so it would be unfair to expect him to accept an hypothetical situation in which Tanwa told him the truth from the beginning and he still couldn't do anything). Getting angry at the world and/or at someone we have designated as guilty because we associate them with the loss is also normal when grieving. It's unfair to the person on the receiving end of this anger, and irrational, but also normal; we are not capable of thinking rationally at times like these.Ā
And one night is not enough for it to pass.Ā
Then, by leaving for Paris, he left everything behind because staying in Thailand was too painful, and he went so far as to rationalize and intellectualize his past by approaching it through existentialist philosophy, but also by using past tense to write about the choices he made, as if he wanted to detach himself from the emotions associated with those memories.Ā
And that shouldn't be so surprising coming from him, given how he acted when he was trying to understand his sexuality: he buried himself in books and his journal, in which he never once expresses his feelings (both in these scenes and after the time skips), except when he writes about his kiss with Tanwaābut he ends up lying to himself and rationalizing what he did and felt by justifying it with his cannabis use. He has a very cold, almost academic, and impersonal approach to his own feelings and experiences (especially when he is disturbed by said feelings and experiences), even when he talks about something as personal as his kiss with Tanwa, until he sees Tanwa and his heart takes over. And this will be the case again when they meet again and in the moments leading up to it.Ā
Because although he gives the impression of having moved on, his repressed feelings for Tanwa have not disappeared, and his own destiny eventually catches up with him.
Second of all, saying that Trin isnāt the kind, gentle person he was isnāt right either. Just look at how he was acting around Krailert: laying in his head on his lap so he can caress his hair, hugging him, addressing him as Ā«Ā Klai RungĀ Ā» to show his acceptance and understandingā¦Trin is pretty much the only one who brought Krailert comfort after what happened with Dhevi. Then, one might wonder why Trin was able to forgive and be nice to Krailert but not Tanwa, and my answer is simple: Trin didnāt open his heart to Krailert like he did with Tanwa. Tanwa was his safe place, he confided in him about Claire and played him his song (even though Dhevi pointed out that he hadn't played in a long time, and when he explains the meaning of his song, we can guess why); he could only be completely himself and vulnerable with himānot to mention the small detail that he is in love with him. For all these reasons, Tanwaās betrayal hurts more than Krailertās.Ā Ā
Thereās also the fact that Krailert revealed the truth about the armyās actions on live television, thus indirectly telling Trin what his part in what happened to Victor truly was. Tanwa, on the other hand, didn't try to talk to Trin, neither about his promise to Victor, nor that he had warned him; he could have done so when he first told him the truth about the protest, but he didn't; and he could have gone to see Trin once he had calmed down, but he didn't. Of course, he didn't do it because he was well aware that Trin didn't want to see him, and because he felt too guilty to even try. Donāt get me wrong, this is absolutely not me blaming him.
And the thing is, this is not surprising coming from Tanwa's character: from the end of the fifth episode to the sixth, his way of dealing with his conflict with Trin is to remain silent and leave, not to fight to make himself heard, then to let himself be overwhelmed by his sadness and guilt and drown his emotions in alcohol and drugs (incidentally, Trin does not chase after him for answers either; he focuses on his work so as not to think about his feelings). Following this, when he senses that Trin has been in danger, he realizes that he wants to stay with him and starts to fight for it; this is ultimately progress he has made on his own, so Trin saying that he has to face things on his own is not out of place. Of course, Iāve said it multiple times before and Iām certainly not taking it back now, but this problem of conflicting views on love ā with Tanwa unable to commit due to years of unresolved trauma and Trin determined not to make the same mistake he made with Claire by letting him drift away from him ā is not comparable to what happened after Victor's death, with Trin in shock and reliving his trauma. But we can still see a pattern ā and in both cases they fail to be there for each other and suffer alone.
Ultimately, Tanwa's suffering at that moment was intrinsically linked to his fear of losing the people he loved and being abandoned because of his traumatic family history. And so it was only by facing up to this family history, with the help of his father and a better understanding of his mother's state of mind before her suicide, that he was able to overcome it ā so Trin couldn't help him. They both needed to separate in order to recover from their respective traumas without falling into codependency.
So the fact that Trin doesn't even say goodbye to Tanwa and says that he has to face what is causing him pain on his own is tragically ironic, for someone who said that love meant being there for each other in joy and sorrows, and who criticized Tanwa for not opening up to him and not being there for him when he was struggling.
But unfortunately, once again, these two situations are not comparable. Victor's death is a much more violent shock for both of them than Tanwa's commitment issues and their different views on love. It's not that Trin doesn't follow his own principles or that he doesn't love Tanwa, but what happened is too much for him to bearā again, weāre talking about the guy who, a few nights before, cradled Victorās face and begged him to wake up, had to be forcibly pulled away from his body by Krailert, and then wandered in the streets all night, wailing and hitting himself. Trin's love for Tanwa isn't the issue, not when their relationship has fallen apart because of this tragedy.Ā
On top of it all, he saw his uncle's life ruined without being able to do anything to help him, and finally, the cherry on top of the cake is that he is also heartbroken because of Tanwaās betrayal. But he still DID try to go see him, only to see that Tanwa had fallen back into drugs and alcohol. To put it simply, he has too much to deal with to have the emotional space in his head to help Tanwa as well.
It is also possible that Trin is projecting his experience with Claire onto Tanwa, especially since he already saw Claire in Victor: itās as if Tanwa had taken his place and he had taken Claire's, except that it was not he who died. In both cases, Claire and Trin were faced with a choice, the person they loved wanted to stop them from making it, and someone ended up dying. And because Trin was alone when he had to mourn Claire and deal with the guilt of staying still, he thinks Tanwa will have to go through the same thing. But not because he wants that for him or because he considers it a form of Ā«Ā justiceĀ Ā» ; simply because it's the only way to recover from what happened that he knows ā if you can call itĀ Ā«Ā recoveringĀ Ā» (because Iām not convinced he ever forgave himself for Claire's death and he is clearly still haunted by this trauma).
As for those who say that Trin didnāt love Tanwa as much as Tanwa loved him or that he didnāt do anything for their relationship, PLEASE just rewatch the show. Trin has been looking at him like he hung the moon from the very first episode and couldnāt ever bring himself to throw away the origamis Tanwa gifted him ā the literal representation of their feelings for each other btw ā even after he ended things with him in episode five (and from what it looks like from the fancon preview, even after he left for Paris !!) ; Trin was so affectionate too, and so gentle with him, he kept touching his face and hair and always waited or leaned in for more whenever they kissed ; Trin was the only one who stood up for him when is father was hitting him in front of everyone, even though that could have gotten him in serious trouble ; Trin wanted a future for them, as he wanted to take him to Paris to see the vanilla sky together, wanted to put a word on their relationship and was hurt by Tanwa acting like he wanted to keep things between them casual ; Trin, like I said before, considered him his safe place and only trusted him with his most vulnerable side; and as soon as he learned the truth about Tanwaās decision, he got teary-eyed and desperately tried to talk to him, then dropped everything to go back to him when that failed.
Sure, Tanwa got to him first, but that was still Trin chasing him: he had NO IDEA that Tanwa was going to surprise him, just look at his face when he saw Tanwa again ā he couldnāt believe it. He WAS going to go back to Thailand for him.
And donāt get me wrong, I understand why one might feel like we shouldāve seen them actually talk, or even more grovelling on Trinās part, and I donāt completely disagree, but please hear me out, this scene is so beautiful and touching.
Firstly, it is Moira, whose name means Ā«Ā fateĀ Ā», Ā«Ā destinyĀ Ā», who brings them back together, who makes Trin realize that they are meant (destined) to be together. She is the one who sends Trin Tanwa's book, a book that is a message to Trināa declaration of love and at the same time a revelation of what really happened, of the promise he made to Victor. Learning that not being protected was Victor's choice, and suddenly being confronted with the love that he and Tanwa have for him, allows Trin to accept what happened and realize that he never stopped loving Tanwa. So this is where his heart finally takes over from his intellectualized and philosophical approach to what he went through in Thailand (once again, an approach that puts distance between him and what he feels deep down). Overcome with emotion, he does everything he can think of to find Tanwa.
Then, Tanwa got ahead of Trin and surprised him in Paris; the very content and title of the book Indigo Moon, which identified Trin as the person for whom it was written, were not the only secret messages: the pseudonym Ā«Ā RimtaraĀ Ā» was another.
Rimtara means Ā«Ā by the waterĀ Ā», and Tanwa and Trin meet near the Seine. In fact, the pseudonym was an invitation ; an invitation to see the Parisian vanilla skyĀ together, as Trin had wanted before they parted ways. In his book, Tanwa essentially told Trin that he hoped to see him again and how he hoped that would happen.
And Trin accepted this invitation even before he knew that Tanwa would surprise him, as he goes to the Pont Neuf carrying Tanwa's book with him, as if he were taking a part of Tanwa with him to admire the vanilla sky.
At that moment, words are unnecessary ; thanks to his book, Tanwa has found the strength and the means to reach the Ā«Ā moonĀ Ā» ā Trin, that is.
Remember that gut-wrenching scene where he is overcome with despair when he looks at the sky that he and Trin painted together and does not see the moon ? yet they painted the vanilla sky, that is, the sunset, the moment when the moon still hasnāt appeared, just as Trin hasnāt appeared in front of him after the night Victor died. In short, Trin is Tanwaās moon.Ā
But he hasn't really lost the moon: the moon is still there ā he just has to leave the room where he drowns his sorrow in drugs and paper stars to see it. His love for Trin is still there; and Trin himself is far away from him, like the moon, but people can be sent to the moon now; so he can get closer to Trin, he just needs to clear his head by leaving this room to realize it, to find a way to do it. And he ends up doing it, thanks to his book entitled Ā«Ā Indigo MoonĀ Ā»; the reference to the moon in the title clearly showing, like I said, that this book is a message intended for him even before Trin reads it.
This is Tanwaās way of telling Trin what he wasnāt ready to hear at the time of their separation. And because Trin is coming to find him, Tanwa knows that his message has been heard and accepted.Ā
And then emotion takes over, their rekindled love overcoming words ; the renewal is symbolized by the fact that they introduce themselves to each other as if for the first time, and they kiss. The words will come later, when Trin apologizes for what happened between them
One thing that makes this scene even more beautiful is the fact that Trin is the one who initiated the kiss ; Trin, who struggled with internalized homophobia at the beginning of the series and, even after accepting himself, expressed fear of what potential witnesses to the affection between him and Tanwa might think of him, kissed Tanwa in public at a time when homosexuality was deeply stigmatized, as @indianchindian pointed out in one of their posts. This clearly shows that at that moment, he is thinking of nothing but Tanwa. To me, thatās yet another proof that Trin loved him so much, btw.
Anyway, this post was meant to be another rant of mine about the way a big part of this fandom treated Trinās character so letās go back to that. First it was Tanwa who was villainized for having issues with communication and commitment. Because some people apparently couldnāt understand that he wanted to show Trin only happiness because thatās what his mother did with him before ending her life ā leaving him with abandonment issues and an abusive father who didnāt show him love until he hit rock bottom (Iām trying to cut him some slack by not judging him through todayās lenses because violence was seen as an educational method, but Iām still bitter about the slaps and public humiliation). So Tanwa associated his pain with people leaving him, but no, actually heās just a bad partner and Trin deserves better and Victor (a kid in Trinās eyes, mind you) treats him better so THEY should get together and yadda yadda yadda (although I did see some people blaming Trin for not understanding Tanwa, as if Trin is not only a mind reader, but is also able to pick up on things that Tanwa himself is most likely unaware of.)
Then it was Trin whose feelings were invalidated and whose character got reduced to actions that, yes, werenāt right, but were also totally contextualized. Iām tired of seeing people beg for plots and complex characters and then proceed to watch things with a black and white lense (or obsess over whoās going to be the top and whoās going to be the bottom, or make it all about the ships ā donāt get me started on the whole TrinVictor drama)
Every single character has done good and bad things, and we can understand where theyāre coming from every time (except for the general). Not liking Trin is one thing ā I mean I adore him so I donāt get it but Iām also aware that complex characters elicit complex reactions ā but what really bothers me is that it looks like part of the audience was expecting him to put his own pain aside to help Tanwa in the name of their love or something, which is not only unfair but also unrealistic. And Shine isnāt the kind of show where love fixes everything.Ā
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