a more personal reflection in response to mikoto's t3, about how diagnostic labels tend to only be applied after a breaking point, and how societal systems often fail us
you know how sometimes there's characters we find fascinating because their story is compelling, even though they aren't necessarily relatable? and then, there's others that we grow attached to because we see so much of ourselves in them?
i'd always considered mikoto to be in the first category for me, but after seeing the report, i realized there's actually a strong similarity to my own reckoning with mental health. it's left me reflecting on how easily we dismiss things that are unlabeled as insignificant, and even after finding a label that fits, it can feel restrictive, binding. we start thinking of the diagnosis as the source of all issues, rather than recognizing it simply as a term to describe an individual's experience.
i find the claims that "the report says mikoto couldn't have developed DID in childhood" misguided at best and insulting at worst for a multitude of reasons... but what i want to focus on for now is this notion that if somebody is successful in school/work and has little to no social disturbances, then that person must not have any mental disorders. in fact, they have no right to claim any sort of suffering, and it's insulting to those who have real problems.
i've heard this kind of rhetoric for all my life, internalized it as a child, carried that with me through teenage years and into young adulthood, mocked and diminished myself with it even in the absence of others.
i lived in a stable, middle-class home with parents that took care of me, so why would i have any problems? nevermind the fact that i was never taken seriously when i was "too emotional", or that my opinions were often talked over or turned into an argument (which would lead into the "too emotional, you're irrational" problem again), to the point where i'd avoid conversations by zoning out, and never disclosed anything about my personal thoughts or interests, feeling like my family never knew the "real" me.
but hey, we'd always eat dinner together. and if i really needed to buy something, i could always ask and usually get it. and if i got a call from home, i'd definitely pick up and let them know how work was going fine, not to worry about me, because i'd want them to be proud...
oh, right, and there's also the thing about how mikoto thought of himself as a genius, and never had setbacks or disappointments.
i was precisely that stereotype of the asian kid who's better than you at everything. straight As with minimal effort, shelves full of awards for musical performance, mathematics, athletics, so on and so forth. and that didn't end for me after high school, like it does for many "gifted" children. actually, i excelled even more in university, where the only reason my perfect GPA became "blemished" was because of a severe sinus infection during finals, and an unreasonable professor who wouldn't allow me to take the exam at another time when i was healthy. and no, i didn't have to sell my soul pulling all-nighters to study. actually, i spent most of my time having fun with various social circles, and would often skip classes to sleep in after a night out.
i always, always feel an ick when i bring up these facts about my life because there is inevitably someone who sees all this and thinks, "wow, we get it. you're very talented and smart and everything comes easily to you. lay off the bragging, would you? you're not special." idk, maybe that's just the critic in my own head talking, but hey, i got that voice from somewhere for a reason.
i bring all this up because mikoto's spectacular crash-and-burn in his first job after graduating is hilariously and horribly relatable to me.
i'd secured a great position with one of the largest healthtech companies in the country. i'd impressed them during my internship, and felt confident that i could continue doing good work there. and, at first, that seemed to be the case. training went off without a hitch, i was getting along with my coworkers, and i was excited to finally manage my own apartment space...
fast-forward a year, and i was struggling to clock in on time. project deadlines felt overwhelming, and meetings were filled with technical jargon that i couldn't parse at all. my peers were being promoted to leadership positions, while i was struggling not to be left behind. i was told that 8 hours a day wasn't enough, because my coworkers were usually working 9 hours at minimum, and i ought to match their efforts, right? i'd often alternate between hours spent zoning out staring at a blank wall, and hours stuck at my desk late into the evening because i'd finally gotten into the flow of things, and if i stopped working now, i'd lose all my progress! only to finally come home to an empty, dark apartment, and realize, "oh, i still need to make dinner..."
the apartment was starting to smell. i was too tired to clean, too tired to cook, too tired to shower. dirty dishes, rotten groceries, infested garbage can. that's disgusting, isn't it? it's ok, nobody noticed, so nobody cared. people are pretty good at hiding the ugly signs of mental illness.
i couldn't even admit it was mental illness at the time. it was laziness, it was burnout, it was... idk. not that bad. it was all my own fault.
once my absenteeism became too much for my company to ignore, i became partially hospitalized for depression. i learned a lot while i was there and started making real connections with people for the first time since graduating, but just when things were starting to look up for me, my insurance coverage was pulled, with the reason being, "i wasn't depressed enough". how did they determine this? by the number i filled out on a 1-10 survey about how much i thought about suicide. ridiculous.
i went back to work feeling betrayed and let down by the healthcare system, and within a few months, i was finally fired. finally, i say, because i felt relieved that it was over. i'd "failed", if we imagine this whole school -> employment pipeline as some kind of massive exam, but i was glad. i could still start over.
looking back, it was only because of this "failure" that i was finally able to consider that i had ADHD in addition to depression, and receive a diagnosis and medication. up until then, i'd always thought, "well, i have some traits that fit the description for ADHD, but it doesn't impair my day-to-day function, so i don't have it!" it was only after i became impaired to the point of partial hospitalization and unemployment that i could even consider a diagnosis. and even after receiving that label, did my issues get magically resolved? absolutely not.
so, what does this mean when we think about what the label of DID does for mikoto?
i like to think about what yamanaka said once about his character writing, which is that rather than thinking of labels first and then working inward, he prefers to start with the character's inner traits and work outward. from there, certain labels will naturally bloom as a result. with this kind of writing, it is easy for a character to be misinterpreted or misunderstood, but it reflects much more accurately what people are like in real life.
we ought to remind ourselves that behind every label is a living, breathing person with a wealth of personal experiences. and just like es said, every person's suffering is unique to them. there is no benefit to playing comparison games where we say, "this person had it worse," "that doesn't count as abuse," "you should be grateful you didn't deal with x," and so on. living comes first; labels come after.
doubting mikoto's experience with DID on the basis of him having a "perfect childhood" is reductive, dismissive, and misinformed.
i've gotten flack for "treating mikoto like a real person" with this line of thought, but does it not make sense to think that if you apply this kind of framework to a fictional character, you might apply it to real people as well? can you understand that people who relate to mikoto's experiences (including pwDID) might feel shut down and invalidated when they see his character getting mocked for being "unrealistic" and "harmful"?
there's a whole other tangent i can dive into about how the label of DID is forced onto mikoto specifically in the context of a criminal justice system, but as that goes beyond my personal experience and has been explored by other people in the community, i won't harp on it anymore.
this is a more vulnerable post for me, who has been scared off from online spaces before, but this kind of self-reflection helps me to evaluate myself and issues we can improve upon on both a societal and personal level, so i hope it helps at least one other person to do the same.
theartofmadeline
andulkaphoto
germansingergirl
amandla
