Arrgh I hate having Asperger's Syndrome
Sometimes people give me pity and I hate it.
My brother finally took a glance at me playing Pokemon for 5 seconds to completely judge the game, and I was just trying to catch the garbage Pokemon with a Pokeball. He stared at the screen with his head out (out of pity, to pretend he thinks it looks awesome.)
There's a curse on me!! He literally always looks at the screen deeply judgementally at the worst times/parts of all the anime and gaming stuff I watch and play. Like when his Nephew was watching me play an older Kingdom Hearts game, and I was fighting an ugly Heartless boss battle, and my brother kept mocking it and asking my Nephew if he really likes this game or not and stuff.
I hate the pity I get!! My mom keeps saying, why the heck does it bother me that when in Gym class 20 or whatever years ago, when I hit the volleyball into another session's court, everyone clapped their hands and said in a very corny voice "Nice job!!!" to me, so that I wouldn't feel embarrassed that I'm so freaking bad at Volleyball and sports in general that I knocked the ball in a weird direction to a completely other group of Volleyball players, back in 6th grade.
I miss doodling in College in my Computer Science classes. I really think I could make cool games, if people encouraged me. For my final project in C# class in 11th grade in high school, I made a clone of Animal Crossing (but as a text-only adventure style game with randomly generated villagers everytime,) and the teacher was impressed and gave it a 104 out of 100.
I can't make anything at all now, very obviously; I have no friends!
Anyways, I hate the pity that I get. There are even times in online games where I get anxious and have a slow reaction and shoot my rocket too late and I end up killing the player in the game, and I always feel sure that the player was like 'what the heck' at my slow reaction time to shoot and that they actually give me a few milliseconds to go ahead and shoot them (this might not be a thing though, there is no proof after all so it might just be all in my head.)
Anyways, I just want to be friends with mature, adult friends. My favorite person ever, who is like a superhero to me and I look up to them a lot (the one that wrote on Twitter "He's gonna catch these hands.." and their lover told me to die and that they wish that I was dead) told my friend that I don't need her in my life because I should appreciate my "new friends." Give me a break, I love my following but there's too many millenuels but spelled right among them that don't know the hardcore, manly things that some of us know about (the early seasons of Blues Clues and the Rugrats. And Rocko's Modern Life, Disgaea, oldschool Nintendo games, and Card Captor Sakura (actually there is a new series/season of that. Which is great!!) and Ojomajo Doremi.
Like puke up a buffalo's butthole, and you can tell I'm being dead yoshin serious, because I just quoted the better Angry Video Game Nerd YouTube videos, and not the not-as-good Angry Video Game Nerd episodes.
Also, no one ever takes me seriously!! Especially when I'm in pain, which is where I try to act like a clown and entertain others and make them laugh so that they'll pay attention to me and help me out of my suicidal deep depression. I got hurt HARD in gym class in 7th grade, but when I said (I forget what, but I was saying stupid stuff) the person on my team actually said after someone seemed concerned about me, "Dude don't worry about it, he's fine! He'll get up" when DUDE I just said "Mommies.. helpies.. panties.. Only manly men wear panties!!!" when I was gasping for air HARD and my stomach hurt soooo bad from the ball hitting me very, extremely hard in the stomach that time in 7th grade.
And I got banned from a mental health discord and the mods tell me it's because I'm a clear "bad example of someone that has Asperger's Syndrome" and stuff.
Anyways, my family keeps ignoring me and I feel all alone and I started crying in the bathroom at the restaurant earlier today and I am now so don't mind me venting
I just bother everyone and I seriously keep imagining that the only way the people I care about the most in the world (the ones that said they want to strangle me to death on their Twitter etc.) will be happy in regards to me, would be if they heard that I died
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