the world begins with you

showing up to hell 15 minutes late with Starbucks

[nekomato-nekomata-deactivated20]

[pantheracantus]

so, the fewest amount of people i know irl follow me here, and i am needing to put pen to paper on some thoughts

i am really struggling with my sexual identity and desires these past few months. i’ve identified as straight my whole life and i’m in a monogamous straight relationship with a man that i love more than i can begin to describe. but i have been becoming less and less intimate with him. i hate feeling my body move when we have sex. i try to ignore how my body rolls and jiggles and squishes but it makes me sick. nothing makes me feel less sexy. he tries in those moments to affirm my beauty, but my self-hatred overrides everything.

i also have moments of what i can almost describe as ptsd when we are intimate. when he tries to touch me and tend to me, 9 times out of 10 i just end up thinking about hands that were there without my permission, and that made me sex-indifferent for a long time. i just try to grin and bear it. wriggle out of it into something else that keeps things going without me having to keep feeling so overwhelmed. i’ve tiptoed around the topic, but i’m too scared to bring it up with him. he has never done anything but respect me in those situations. how can i bring this up to him without him feeling shame? or like i consider him the same as those horrible boys? i want to be able to go with the flow and love every second without feeling gross, and without making him feel guilt.

i also have been reflecting on my sexual identity. specifically, if i like feminine people. or girls. am i bi? pan? do i just have aesthetic attraction? i am attracted to women as well as men, but the thought of being intimate with a woman scares me. well, being intimate with men hasn’t been smooth sailing for me. maybe it’s an intimacy thing. i remember being in highschool and wondering if i was developing a crush on my best girl friend, but suppressed it quickly. either way, i can’t explore this to see how i feel. i love my partner too much to bring it up, out of fear that i’m wrong, or worse that i’d hurt his feelings. i don’t want to make him feel like he isn’t “what i want” because he is the light of my life. i don’t want to step out of the relationship to figure things out.

or, what’s worse: do i just not want to identify as straight? am i selfishly not wanting to be a part of the main privileged identities that i am so angry at for the state of affairs in my world? growing up i was the most proud of my japanese heritage, all 25% of it. i was proud of being japanese. i loved my nana and what little culture she shared with me. i also love that i felt different in my whitebread town, if i’m being honest. but I moved to Vancouver and it became blatantly clear that I’m White, capital W. not to mention all the other levels of privilege i’ve experienced. I have family that loves me and supports me as best they can, my partner as well. i will never experience body dysmorphia due to gender. i haven’t ever felt the hot shame of queerness in a small town highschool. i’m a woman who has dealt with her own brand of bullshit, but i can’t argue the good cards i’ve been dealt in life. i dunno. my existence is a part of a large social systematic problem and i want to push myself away from it and i’m so saddened and tired to own my part in the puzzle. idk. i’m just so sad and exhausted from crying and being sick today. i want to see a therapist. 

[botan]

[vickisigh]

Dragon Symmetra has been summoned! 

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[fuckyeahselenita]

Selena Gomez on set in New York, September 21

[aestatemagazine]

[cybergata]

[pantheracantus]

today I missed a call from my mom. she left a voicemail while she was driving home (using bluetooth and being safe, I feel the need to mention). she’s listening to CBC radio as she always does, and I guess the mentioned that they will be airing a full interview with Ai WeiWei tomorrow on air. the voicemail was short but it’s left me sorting through a lot of positive emotions right now.

when my mom and I still lived together, our relationship was becoming quite toxic. we fought and clashed more as the years when on. I didn’t make things easy on her. for years my mother had been trying to nurture and rebuild my self-esteem that had been shattered for reasons she didn’t know. there I was, an adult in her eyes, but who acted as an immature child with no self control. she had watched me balloon in size and my mental health fluctuate. she had discovered my lies and was just tired of trying to help.

it all was at it’s boiling point when we all still lived downtown. I remember having my first full-blown crippling panic attack. I don’t know how long it had gone on for, but it started with normal crying but had escalated to me clutching the toilet and dry-heaving while screaming/crying into the toilet. at some point my mom flung the door open and I was terrified. her face was dripping with what I took as anger, that her initial response was to come downstairs to yell at me to stop. I remember being threatened with being institutionalized and beign put on meds. my dad and brother had come down, with my brother being yelled at to go upstairs and with him scared of what was happening to me. my dad deescalated the situation and said we were driving to the hospital. before we got there he pulled over and had me call a hotline, where I got talked down.

I know now where my parents were each coming from. my dad saw his mom undergo electroshock therapy and other terrible treatments for her breakdowns. my mom was terrified and didn’t know how to handle her baby in hysterics. she had me book a session with a councillor the next morning, and we talked a lot that day.

that was 2 years ago now. when we talk now it makes my heart flutter. I maybe see her once every month or two. I miss her so much. she calls me when she sees cool art stuff or learns about trans/gender issues that remind her of me and my interests that I’ve now talked about with her. I feel a connection growing with my mother again and it makes me so happy. I have so much love and respect for my mother and i’m so glad i’m in a space where we both are nurturing that.

[netflixtrip-blog]

they flew next to my boat!!!! 

[hawk-feathers]

This little bug has thoroughly stolen my heart.

[disgustinganimals]

This is a bird

[battlevilla]

[keytocouture]

Dolce & Gabbana Fall 2012 RTW

[shuarchy-blog]

ご飯の量がおかしいwwwww

[xekstrin]

Hot

[voiceoflightcity]

(loose translation: "I messed up the amount of rice wwwwwwww”)

[voulair]

[grilledsharks-deactivated202101]

me the whole day vs at 4am

[driflloon]

remember new york: noemie abigail for pop mag #36

[polygonalfish]

Hey, Barry can you add a smiling burger floating gently from right to left?

Thank you Barry.