elle writes

speak only if it improves upon the silence // eng-fil 

[paper-twilights]

Tell me who your monsters are,

I’ll tell you who mine is. 

They’re the ones who keep me up

at night, when you, I miss.

[paper-twilights]

The talks we had.

I want to talk to you so bad. I don’t know what’s stopping me, honestly. We used to talk all the time. We used to talk about the things people don’t normally talk about at 1 am in the morning. We wanted to know who we were at that time. We shared secrets that were to be kept only between us. We shared laughs that were only heard through the electronic devices that separated us. We shared sorrow, sad memories, and things that once broke us, and we realized that maybe we needed to fix each other. We knew, and so we tried. But I was too foolish enough to think that we both actually wanted to do that. I realized it was only me. So I stopped talking to you, afraid that I might try to fix you, and expect you to fix me back. I didn’t want to break myself.

I wanted to talk to you so bad. I just don’t know where to start anymore.

[paper-twilights]

She didn’t want to be sad

It’s 12:17 AM, the light from her phone glows amidst the darkness of the room that enveloped her like a blanket. She was still awake. She couldn’t put herself to sleep, no, not with all these loud thoughts screaming inside her head. She kept scrolling through social medias, trying to distract herself from the deafening screeches of her anxiety, telling her that she deserves none of the good things in this world. Her heart was empty but somehow managed to be filled with hatred, with anger, and with loneliness. “I won’t cry.” She whispers to herself, convincing herself that she was okay, and that maybe everything she’s feeling was temporary. “I’m sleep-deprived.” She continued convincing herself. That’s what she’s good at anyway, telling herself that all’s good when in all honesty everything is falling apart. It’s 12:23 AM, she placed her phone down and realized the lies she kept telling herself. Quiet sobbing filled the pitch black room. No one but her knew what drowned her during this times of her life. Only she, alone, could fix herself. But with this feeling of emptiness, she had no idea, despite her cleverness, how to help herself. She then settled that crying was okay. Maybe she just needed to remove all these bottled up emotions. It’s 12:34 AM, staring blankly at the darkness, she mumbled to herself, “I didn’t want to be sad.”

[paper-twilights]

three empty words

I, for once, never forced anyone to love me back. I never asked them to return the love I gave them. I wanted to see if someone would return it voluntarily, without me asking them at all. Because as I grew up asking for people to give back the same amount of love I gave, I realized how bland it was. Whenever I wanted to hear those three words from the people I expect to love me back, they sound dead. Those three empty words. The more I hear it come from the wrong mouths, with the wrong tune, and with the wrong feeling, I realized it made me empty. Can you ever imagine the person you love, looking at you dead in the eye, seeing his lips move only so partially and letting go of those three words so carelessly. It kinda hurts, does it? Those three words lost its meaning to me. Those three words were said too much, but not enough, just not enough for me to feel what its supposed to make me feel. Every damn time, those three empty words would only make me feel worse. “I love you.” But do you really?

[paper-twilights]

I promised myself

It’s already past midnight and I find myself still awake

My mind, my thoughts, clouded by the thoughts of you, for fuck’s sake

I remember the notebooks I wrote on, sitting on the shelf,

dust has settled on it, and I’m crying alone, by myself.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t let you complete me.

But here I am, lying on the cold floor, thinking of ways on how to set you free

I thought my heart could take it without you in it.

But before I realized, you took parts of me as you left, bit by bit.

[paper-twilights]

autumn vibe

What is with you and your autumn vibe that gave me so much warmth inside? The way your lips move the way it is, the way you brush your hair back without noticing. Everything about you is so mesmerizing. All I ever write about is you, and sometimes I wonder if it’ll ever change. The way the thought of you comes spilling out of my ink and then suddenly everything is about you. You give me flowers in my lungs and although they’re beautiful, it’s making me hard to breathe.

[paper-twilights]

Hindi ka dapat napupuyat para sa taong bangungot lang sayo.

d.n.a.

[paper-twilights]

Tila ba’y natatakot na makita kang muli

natatakot nang mahulog, tas sa huli’y hihikbi.

Alam kong hindi lumisan ang pag-ibig ko sayo dati

mahalin kang muli ay para bang mali.

[paper-twilights]

Ayan na naman sila.

Hinahalukay nanaman nila ang nakaraan.

Hindi nagsawa, hindi mabitawan.

Kay hirap kong inilibing at kinalimutan,

Pero ibabalik parin ang kinalimutang pagmamahalan.

Nakakapagod magmahal, masaktan, at kumalimot.

Paikot-ikot, paulit-ulit, palaging “okay lang” ang sagot.

Gusto nang kalimutan ang sakit na naidulot,

Pusong nawasak na walang pahintulot.

[paper-twilights]

Ayoko na. Ayoko nang ipagkasya ang sarili ko sa taong hindi sigurado.

d.n.a.

[paper-twilights]

Alam na ng isip ko, hindi lang handa ang puso ko.

d.n.a.

[paper-twilights]

I’m all I have.

It’s ten o’ clock and suddenly you’re on my mind. I just managed to keep you out of it but you managed to find a way in. You don’t know when to stop, do you? It’s not your fault anyway. It was my fault to fall too deeply to you. I’ve spent three years breaking and mending my own heart for you, thinking that you might accept it. I don’t know, maybe you were too good for me. You were too much for me and maybe God thought that you deserved better. I wasn’t enough, but I’m all I have.

[paper-twilights]

I asked if I knew you before and my soul said yes.

hopefully, yours did too