Something I've been thinking about lately:
A lot can change after you let enough time pass.
I remember being 16, depressed, feeling pressured that I didn't have life figured out yet while my friends were thriving in college and already knew what they wanted to do after that. I didn't even know if I was pursuing the right field of study. I was stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship. My relationship with my parents was also a mess. I felt alone, very alone, and I couldn't imagine what my life would look like beyond my teenage years.
At 19, I slept every night with pills under my pillow. Just holding on until I couldn't take it anymore and it's time to swallow them all.
I was so fixated on feeling so doomed, that I was sure enough I would be ending my own life before I even reach my 20's.
For a long time, it felt like I was just destined to keep suffering. I didn't know that a peaceful life was ever in the cards for me. A life where I don't feel doubted by my family. A life where I don't have to have a meltdown over everything I wore and what I looked like. A life where I wasn't afraid to leave my house.
By 20, things got much harder. I've gone through experiences I don't really want to speak about. But, it did kind of solidify what I already thought my reality was forever doomed to be: it doesn't get better, maybe at least not for myself. My decision-making hasn't improved much either. I've made some very questionable choices.
Then, my life was split into a before and after.
I've grieved many losses. It's hard to remember events that transpired within the past few years. All I know is that I just had to keep going. I kept pushing through the grief and maybe it's exactly the grief that fueled me here.
Lately, my life has been feeling a little mundane. I work a lot. Too much for my own good that it's been causing me some health issues. I have very little time for myself and my social life. I've been feeling restless.
Until one night, I was on my way to my partner's place when I suddenly felt like I just snapped out of a trance. I was thinking to myself: here I am, alive, at an age I never imagined I would live long enough to see. I'm in a car ride to see the love of my life, something that happens almost every week. I see city lights and skyscrapers everyday; something I dreamed of when I was a kid are now just daily mundane sights for me.
Then I thought: how did I get here? I forgot what it felt like to be so depressed all the time. I can't even remember what it feels like to look in the mirror and not recognize the person in the reflection. I used to sleep every night with a heavy heart.
I'm 27 now, turning 28 soon. I haven't written on here in a very long time. I finally remember how things were like back then, after all the repressing that I did. The things I thought were impossible are what my life is like now. I still haven't got everything figured out, but nobody does. I seem to have a new set of problems and things to worry about. I also never thought I would find someone who completely understood and cherished me, but somehow I did.
I owe it all to my younger self. All those years of heartache, suffering, and self doubt, have finally passed. Only she and I know what it really took to get here. And so, I will live my life the way we've always wanted. I'll take as many car rides as I can to see my lover as often as possible until the day I don't have to travel anymore just to see him. And it will be eternal peace.
Life gets better :)