hollow shell in a nutshell

ignore me. you'll forget about me anyway.

[paradoxicalhollowshell]

maybe the reason why I keep lingering on my past, reminiscing about my younger days with my friends is because I don't have a future to look forward to unlike when I was younger.

I watched this Harry Potter IG reel where the trio grew up together and cried for their last shooting. what makes it even sadder Landslide by Fleetwood Mac was played in the background.

I keep missing my old days especially with the best friends I had... I hope we can still share memories together although it sounds selfish of me because they all are in their own journey and paths.

it gets scarier because I don't know what the future holds, looking back to the past gives me this guilty pleasure of something I know existed, it gives me comfort; in the past I won't lose any of them.

I just feel so lost and running out of time as I keep getting older, I'm going to pass my mid 20s this year and I don't really have anything that could ensure my future. I'm afraid of looking for a stable job but I feel like I'm running out of time if only depending on this one job. my parents are getting older too, I don't know what I can do to help them when they don't have the same energy anymore.

I feel bad there's a lot of negative energy I bring, but tumblr is just the right place for me to cast all of this negativity away.

I think this is the longest tumblr I ever wrote, maybe there were some grammar errors or unnecessary usage of words but that's fine, I'm letting it all out like when I watched the reel I cried my eyes out like a baby.

[paradoxicalhollowshell]

I feel like I've been living my life as if I'm an outcast. I feel far away from my friends, away from God, away from dreams, away from hope.

and now I don't know how to have it all together again.

I live as an outcast in the familiar.

how long does it take for me to bear all this? I've been living my life with a mind of how I will no longer be anywhere.

simply existing at the edges of the familiar.

[paradoxicalhollowshell]

what if one day I'm gone and noone found this page of mine? this is a part of myself that I don't want anybody I know to forget but... I don't want anyone to find it, yet.

[paradoxicalhollowshell]

the grief of nostalgia, not because of someone's passing but... something's passing.

the memories of what i had with my dear best friends who are no longer near beside me, the moments we shared together, the childhood we spent together.

it pained me i cried every night wishing i could turn back the time and meet all my lovely friends at the same place where we were young.

the memories haunted me, kept me stay awake until the sun rose. the grief of yearning those memories to come back to live.

the grief of longing it by myself while others, moved on.

[paradoxicalhollowshell]

I've been happy, but the dark skies lurk at me mostly at the end of the day.

that's just how my life is going. I'm not even mad at it, as it already became a friend of mine; a companion I didn't ask for, but comforts me still. it's kind of ironic.

but I've been happy anyways.

nothing's much happening. met new people, became friends, and lost some. but mostly, nothing's much more. just the same scene over and over with different filters once or twice.

and I've been happy. probably happily sad.

[paradoxicalhollowshell]

“why would you expect romance when you cannot do a damn thing right...” my 2.41 a.m. self uttered.

[picsthatmakeyougohmm]

[perfectfeelings]

“One day someone is going to hug you so tight, that all of your broken pieces will stick back together.”

— Unknown

[paradoxicalhollowshell]

a portion of me still wants it but he already forgot which pieces were broken.

[paradoxicalhollowshell]

maybe I, by default, enjoy silence

I tend to speak less, though I may text a lot

maybe I, by instinct, don’t enjoy silence

for when I speak, their lips start to rot

[paradoxicalhollowshell]

i bear a backpack of heartbreaks, it suffocates me.

the heartbreaks of how the world is, i wish i had a solace.

my heart's still beating, but it hurts every time it beats.

[i-am-a-fish]

hey pal, take it easy! you're scrolling with way too much intensity. look at this horse

[paradoxicalhollowshell]

was listening to Sophia and the drums perfectly matched the horse's jumping lol

[basketballhoopshowerhead]

you have been on tumblr for like 12 years why

the earth doesmt want me

[paradoxicalhollowshell]

i have a pantry of words, not as big as a kitchen nor as small as a bowl stored inside my mind. “maybe i can make a living out of it.” i suggest myself. “but the pantry door won't be opened by itself until you feel worse of yourself. that's the only way to get in, buddy.” i tell myself in disappointment.

[paradoxicalhollowshell]

it's still dark but the shy sunlight lurks, unaware my mouth utters “what if i leave this world... intentionally?” i gulp the very last word into my stomach.

maybe i just need enough sleep.

[paradoxicalhollowshell]

God, if you hate me so much why would let me live?

[perfectfeelings]

“One day someone is going to hug you so tight, that all of your broken pieces will stick back together.”

— Unknown

[paradoxicalhollowshell]

when i'm not fully myself

though i feel most of myself

i don't need to hear words

i just need silent hugs