april is a motherfucker

death & resurrection of the english language taglist

[paradoxsuite]

i think i feel awful in the downtime today despite the good day events because well i did finally much delayed tell kim i do not want to hang 1:1 and i managed to do it while saying it is ofc cool to hang in groups without lying that it's not personal. bc it mostly isn't but it is a little bit personal! there is no situation in which i want to hang with someone who says shit like "it's so nice not being the one to have a public panic attack" when i am coming down from having one. so their trauma is worse than anyone else's in the room, objectively, they're allowed to joke about it & i'm allowed to never want to be the butt of their fucking jokes again. & i am not interested in reconciliation; that was like 2 years ago, i've just been done and our paths crossed so infrequently.

i put it off bc i get the impression they always shittalk ppl who leave their life - even if it's sth the other person fucked up, i (feel like i) know that they will bitch about me to others bc it looks like i lied abt blocking their texts. it's stupider! i blocked them on twitter on purpose and phone when i was blocking all unknown numbers last summer. i remember getting an unknown number bday text and blocking it thinking: if this was someone i wanted to contact, i'd know them or i'll hear about it. so that part wasn't personal. some of my hesitation isn't their fault - they stayed with micah returning from australia, so, good on micah good on kim, but jesus i still need so much distance there. and with the gossiping, what does micah say about me or not? even if nothing it's another anxiety in a long list of minor reasons not to reconnect.

i do not want coffee or texts or catching up. end of. i'll be polite and equal in groups but fuck no.

[paradoxsuite]

high as balls and my sister texts me at 130am to make sure im ok no pressure to respond to other messages and i do, bc she's been so good abt never ever holding it against me to take 3+ times reaching out to actually connect. But also bc after her friend was killed i thought, this time of night i bet she's anxious or even if not i could say something that wouldn't be a source of anxiety. And she was thinking of taylar. there's no lesson here other than my sister and i have reflections of grief at diff ages and now she has some scars i cant share, diff from mine. But i can text back proof of life if nothing else. That is its own kind of something

[paradoxsuite]

my cousin (who i am not close to, but.) will likely be dead before the weekend is out and lisa is pregnant. neither of which are about me at all ofc but like the whiplash of my life lately + the soupiness of workdays lately is. A lot! Just a lot, mentally, even as things are. Fine

[paradoxsuite]

the terrible urge to burn someone a CD

[paradoxsuite]

"I showered and cleaned and organized my emails and forgave myself for not working and ate a reasonable meal and my kitchen is pretty clean and i'm about to do laundry, why do i feel so awful still" well perhaps it's the news i read first thing in the morning. just because i knew it two weeks ago tonight doesn't mean finally reading the details for myself wasn't shattering. and the funeral's tomorrow and i need to ask if i should go over and watch the dogs. while everyone goes.

[paradoxsuite]

was strongly considering going to the north outlook bc it's a nice day and i feel fucked and so on, but trying to find if the stairs are closed/not if it's driveable/not found a tyler gerth memorial photography hike. one of the people killed during the breonna taylor protests. everything is so, so much

[paradoxsuite]

"I showered and cleaned and organized my emails and forgave myself for not working and ate a reasonable meal and my kitchen is pretty clean and i'm about to do laundry, why do i feel so awful still" well perhaps it's the news i read first thing in the morning. just because i knew it two weeks ago tonight doesn't mean finally reading the details for myself wasn't shattering. and the funeral's tomorrow and i need to ask if i should go over and watch the dogs. while everyone goes.

[paradoxsuite]

genuinely awful coincidence (?) that funtown comedown, the album, precedes the great funtown comedown, the public bipolar breakdown that made such a great impression on me post-diagnosis. here is your diagnostic kin, on the news for... well! not the worst, but also, i kind of am always periodically asking myself is this a choice that leads me toward or away from a kind of funtown disaster. and we must always move away

[paradoxsuite]

if i don't stop hearing i believe in coyotes in time as an abstract in my brain i'm going to have to do something really drastic.

[paradoxsuite]

i should hang out with my (great) aunt nan more. I have this unfounded certainty I will end up like her and i hope half as loved in that dementia. Does something to watch all four sisters on oxygen or rollators or struggling but still there, my grandma poking at nan's ears or neck with love like she does to me and nan tolerating it flinching like i do to her because it is a love imperfectly expressed but not gotten anywhere else really. And it was a good day, in that way, for nan's mwmory and she beat my cousin and did bits with her coins bc it was funny not bc she was lost and my grandmother was in so much pain feom the accident but we all stayed almost til 8. It was a good day in an unfathomably bad string of them for others and I am smiling and I almost am crying for both the grief and grief borrowed and the happiness. For however long and contained.

[paradoxsuite]

my grandma crashed her car and went to the hospital and a couple hours later my sister's best friend was shot and killed in her apartment by the police. nothing is real yet, my grandma's home and no broken bones but i cannot begin to fathom what my sister is feeling. we called, wasn't much to say other than tears and sorries and jesus christ it's not right, no additional details could make it right. she was supposed to go to disney with my sister and my parents over the summer. i never knew her well but every memory i do have is so sweet, hanging out at family gatherings or dinners when sam'd bring her too. it's not real yet. ian's death still doesn't feel real. people younger than me should never die, especially not of random heart conditions or police murders. i don't know. tomorrow is family easter. i don't know.

[paradoxsuite]

went thru my old screenshots for a particular benign and general reason, found a lot of twitter convos circa 2020 that make me want to die with embarrasment but also make me. well i miss it. i do! i do. better down and out. etc.

[paradoxsuite]

i know he's on record saying it was for meter-like reasons but bpb singing "if you were alone you could walk away / from looey-ville" is so insanely cruel. lmao

[paradoxsuite]

suddenly recalling i had a dream the other day where there was a - restaurant or store, i guess, that was named EST QUOD EST.

[paradoxsuite]

also, like, finding i have a crush still after a year of pretty much no talking, no real contact, and my brain goes i love you which - i don't, know them enough to really mean that, but i think it on reflex and it's not worth pursuing, pretty much, but god damn the humiliation of it. it's more manageable now than a year ago ofc but holy shit! it's so much easier when it's irrelevant and not triggering synchronicities that don't have anything to do with this goofy nothing crush!

[paradoxsuite]

i am having an episode. i haven't been able to sleep for going on two adaptations clubs at least. i am writing again, which is nice, mostly. unfortunately i think the writing is coming from crazyinsane synchronicity places masquerading as self-reflection that is Actually just signs & omens all over again in a slightly less delusional package, which is good, but, still. i think it will pass before it jeopardizes my job (plus i have a lot of goodwill stored up) so as bad as it is experientially right now (for two months?) i will survive it. and i do think that if i have more episodes like this later this year and it is the same kind of job-agony i might have to get medicated or - something. but it feels like i could come to manage it on my own for work. the sleep stuff sucks really bad. if i lived in germantown i'd be all the way to st therese right now. i'd be in the cemetery. i'm having a drink because i'm out of benadryl but i'm tempted to go walking anyway. i probably won't because i have a community work event tomorrow. but i'll think about it.

[paradoxsuite]

returning to my old job but with 3 years of confidence getting into arguments with people and winning via corporate speak and occasional strategic self-mortification is crazy because i really would have rolled over & deferred to others on so much unless i was specifically authorized to run a thing. and now i will interrupt long winded people to reframe their points and keep them on track and say We Will Talk About It Like This. and people love it because i'm right! what the fuck!

[paradoxsuite]

having a bunch of big stupid feelings abt how my mom tried to do several nice things for me while she was catsitting but All of them esp combined made me feel ashamed and overwhelmed and burst into tears upon coming home and it is a lot like being a teenager in a bad way and it makes me feel so so stupid and mean when she just says Ok nothing else when i try to explain it upset me and i know it isnt rational but i said i was really upset! And maybe that hurt her but I feel bad that i somehow fucked up by not being able to recieve the gift she was trying to give me and what i want is an "im sorry" or a "are you ok, since you said you were upset?" but even though my parents try and are really loving they do not fucking get any of the shit Ive had going on since i was a little kid. And there's no way to ask for an I'm sorry for all That either. Without making it stupider and more hurtful and worde.