Paranoia turned me into a Cynic

I don't know how to use tumblr

[paranoidcynic]

Why do I have reoccurring nightmares about the apocalypse

[paranoidcynic]

Red cheeks

Black eyes

[paranoidcynic]

The day you went away.

I don't even have a date to remember you by.

You don't even look the same.

The broken hearts and spilled tears

are nothing more than tactics to you.

I lost someone who I never thought I'd lose.

I can't even tell my own mother.

Mercy.

I think I have to recognize you're just toxic in my life.

The memories will fade.

It'll get easier.

I just don't know who you are anymore.

Nor do I care to find out.

You take the form of whomever you're with.

I will pray for you both to split.

I won't hold it over your head.

Maybe one day you'll come back.

Maybe.

I'll do you the favor of not holding my breath.

I dread these coming holidays.

Please stay away from me.

When you've returned my sister, I'll be there for her.

Just like a brother should.

The worst of it is I know this will still hurt you.

I am powerless.

I've hated living without you.

You're gone, now I'll leave too.

[paranoidcynic]

What's the difference between being self-destructive

and just wanted to experience something new?

[paranoidcynic]

I heard you moved on;

so I brought a plague upon the world.

[paranoidcynic]

I don't like who I am and I can't figure out how to change

[paranoidcynic]

devoid and lonely.

I've been having panic attacks more often lately. Once a month so far.

I keep thinking about dying. More so how getting older is inevitable and never stopping. I can only assume this is common and perfectly normal?

Do people really get so old that they welcome death? I hope for that.

One day I'll just stop existing. Just nothingness. Not even sleeping, because I won't be dreaming and I won't wake up.

I won't even know that I'm dead. I'll just be gone.

If I keep typing this out I'm going to have another panic attack.

This is truly Hell.

My brain is just forcing me to experience terror and anxiety. I'm sweaty, fast heart rate, breathing shallow.

The thought of not existing truly horrifies me. All I can do is call out to those who might respond to me.

Do I really have to just distract my brain for the rest of my life? Or should I confront these feelings and live in the panic attack until it's over and gone for good. Is that even possible? Could I even make it out if it was?

07-10-20 10:00PM

[paranoidcynic]

Liv Tyler - Mikel Roberts 1997

[paranoidcynic]

One day I just literally won't wake up.

Nothing matters.

I'm just going to STOP being. Stop existing.

Stop being aware.

I'm just gone one day. Sooner and sooner every second.

Nothing matters.

Then why is it that these thoughts scare the fuck out of me? Why am I on the cusp of another panic attack in the middle of the night thinking about how one day I just won't be anymore?

Where are you? I just need help sometimes. A distraction. Something.

Just sit with me, talk to me, be with me. Be with me for as long as you can. Because one day, no one will be.

[paranoidcynic]

Beauty = Fleeting

[paranoidcynic]

I am broken I am beaten

I'm mistreated and I'm torn

I am cold with no direction

But I'm lost without your warmth

I'm trying hard to find some hope

That I might get the chance to breathe

Get off my mind, give back my heart

And get the fuck away from me

[paranoidcynic]

Julia Fox - Noah Blough/Dec 2016

[paranoidcynic]

It's been a long lonely December

I could contact you

I won't block your number

We still don't talk though

[paranoidcynic]

[paranoidcynic]

time to float

[paranoidcynic]

I watched the sun rise and set through a sheet of plastic, covered in exploded insects.

[paranoidcynic]

I'm a sucker for flowers and hip bones