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i dont have a lot of outlets these days to really get my feelings out so...
im back to an old blog and ranting about an unfortunately horrible old friend...
idk what it is
you know?
i tell myself, oh it’s just the culture here...people are so selfish and self-centered they don’t know how to deal with someone who just wants to make people happy and give them what they want
but either which way, our inculcated competitiveness withstanding, it’s fucking hard to connect with others in the US
really fucking hard
and now for legit the fifth time?? in my life??
i have had a massive friend breakup
and like i know it is partially me
like i know doormatting is also a behavioral choice
and that’s why ive had to have these breakups...
cuz i realized being suuuuch a fucking pushover for so many years actually conditioned that other person into thinking it’s ok to be an asshole to me all the fucking time
to control every interaction
to get me to wriggle until i fit with the rest of the bait in their schemes
to not have the BASIC DECENCY TO RESPECT ANY OF ANOTHER PERSON’S BOUNDARIES
like
you just cant unspoil a bad egg
you cant! it’s impossible
you try and try and try
but theres no use in that! no amount of boiling or seasoning is going to make such a rotten ingredient good
but basically...i had a friend visit me in 2020 during the pandemic
to OFFICIATE MY WEDDING
this is how close we were
and she did
and then my husband and i started to shift into overdrive “ok we need this much savings, we need all these documents, we need to get this fucker home asap before another one of his grandmas dies” (my husby is from brazil and one of his grans passed during the pandemic while he definitely couldnt go home)
and so i got an extra job at a hellish coffee shop
not until after
helping my friend move from michigan to massachusetts
she expressed to me “oh wow i reaally reaaaally like it there wouldnt it be greaaaat to live near each other”
last time she did this
mind you
she invited herself
to my parents’ hoarding house
where she photographed my parents’ filth and showed it to her friends for a laugh, she tried to break up my sister and her girlfriend because that’s what queer women just do I guess????? (no um this is not a serious comment but she acted like it was normal and her right as a queer woman to be idk?? aggressive and territorial towards other queer women??), and began a hypochondriacal spiral almost seemingly specifically cuz i had recently had a diagnosis and she hadnt...
anyway
so we put all that behind us cuz
oh yeah i had been such a woebegone stump that uncountable hatchets had been buried in me already and id forgotten how shitty it felt to assume yet another
anywayyyyyy
we (aka i) put it all behind me even tho SHE TRIED TO TURN IT AROUND ON ME and make me somehow the aggressor and wrong one
legit like i remember the phone convo we had where she was accusing me of the MOST obtuse shit cuz of course i had to somehow also be in the wrong for her to be exculpated...that’s what this bitch was all about
oh well
im so guilt-ridden i wont rest until youve admitted to also being shitty
no bitch
no
never again
anywayyyyyyyyyyyy
i get her a job, she moves into my apt, i give her mattresses, pants, shirts, boots, let her use MY CAR
she never willfully offers to get me back
for anything
we have to demand she wash dishes or buy food and pitch in at the apt
she lasts 2 weeks
my brazilian roomies see instantly she is a one-way-streeter
and come to me all
she has to go we cant do this if she doesnt know how to support the collective
so boom
she has to find a place
i help her move
then she has to find another place
i help her move again
so then we’re working together at this coffee shop
i get fired for being gender nonconforming
which she is also just in the acceptable way of afab goes butch(ish)
and she SIDES WITH MY BOSS
i talk about suing the guy and she sides with HER JOB THERE and the boss
in the SAME CONVO in which we are sitting IN MY CAR that she is DRIVING AND REFUSING TO OFFER TO PAY ME ANYTHING FOR
(all the while doing that thing where ungenerous people go “oh if youuuuu need anything from meee well then you better speak up” aka start a fight with you about how you arent generous lol...its not on ME TO HOLD YOUUUU TO BASIC SOCIAL EXPECTATION! It is on YOU a grown adult to not shove that off on your friend. ZERO. ACCOUNTABILITY????)
anyway
we were sitting in MY CAR that she was driving to and from HER WORKPLACE
she was wearing the boots and pants AND WINTER JACKET I GAVE HER
and this bitch
has the audacity to say
“I just have no material support here!”
Theennnn
and this was the heartbreak
she says she did my wedding as a favor to me and couldnt believe that i didnt put her up in a nice hotel for it
like YOWZAH
she knows im a musician and DIRT BROKE
and she did get put up for free
SHE GOT TO SLEEP ON MY EXTRA MATTRESSES
ugh just NO REALISM
legit off in her own fucked up lil world where someone she is always the one wronged and never the wronger
The beloved actor, best known for roles on stage and in films such as Die Hard and the Harry Potter franchise, has died at age 69. We look back over his career in photographs.
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