Retrospective of a time I wasn't myself.
I am not seeking forgiveness, although I do feel sorry for what I became when I was with you. I was fucked up too. I had a lot of problems and I couldn’t deal with them fully to the capacity that I can today. I was younger and didn’t want to grow up. I was immature. I didn’t know how to deal with your mood swings let alone my own. I wasn’t able to grab ahold of my own thoughts because I felt like you were trying to control me. I just felt like everything I did was in your control or the control of my parents and that my thoughts were not my own. I know it’s not right how I ended things, how things ended up, but here we are. You didn’t have to hear me out when my brother died, and you knew exactly what to say to hurt me the way I hurt you. It was a double edged sword. At the time I wanted nothing to do with you because, wow I know that you were my ex but I didn’t think it mattered since I was in crisis. I knew where we stood from that time forward. Now you’ve come to me with some heart breaking news about your mother. What am I supposed to do? You know that I cared about her because she treated me so kindly. What the fuck am I supposed to do? It’s really hard because what’s happening to her hits close to home for me, I lost my grandmother to breast cancer. Do I show you compassion? Am I supposed to even care? It makes me sick because I am conflicted. Makes me sad because I know what it’s like to see someone you love hurt the way you yourself cannot imagine.