~Off The Grid~

I always wish for better words. 

[2gris]

[darkvveb]

a little bit of reassurance for all of my fellow psychotics struggling with delusions right now, because we all need it sometimes.

you are real.

you are not in a coma.

you are not in a simulation.

you are not in danger.

you are not a bad person because of your psychosis.

nobody is out to get you.

nobody is following you.

nobody is trying to hurt you.

nobody is trying to poison you.

nobody is filming you.

nobody is hiding in your home.

you are safe.

you are loved.

you are valuable.

you are worthy.

[forever90s]

[ashstfu]

so many songs about love. not enough about i really want to fake my death, change my identity and flea the country.

[sparkandashes]

[mulabby]

2021 will bring me happiness. I will break free from the chains of the past & heal. I will be the happiest, the prettiest, and the most confident! fully loving myself and living for nothing but the satisfaction & better will of myself and health. 2021 me will be unstoppable.

[moonsofsappho]

The concept of having a person who fully understands you and how your mind works, having a person you can tell anything to without fear of judgement. Simply to have someone who you can talk to without a single lie. That, is what I wish for. Yet, my mind is forcing me to believe that its unattainable.

[understands]

[thehellboundtart]

Switch thriftiness: bought these for a pet but, oops, they also look great on me.

[assyrianjalebi]

[holyunholy]

i get hostile in environments

[noa-deactivated20210607]

babygirl i have symptoms you've never even heard of

[iridessence]

I hope you fall in love with yourself. Not because you have to for anyone else to, or because I say so, but just because you deserve to be happy with the person you are spending your entire life with.

[blasphemousbuck-archive]

I hate how fucking gullible I am. I hate how deeply that gut reaction is ingrained in me. I hear of one coincidence, one horrible thing that matches up with false prophecy, with their claims that the end is near, and I feel frantic, and sick. My mind goes into overdrive trying to figure out how I’ll survive, to what extent I need to repent, to how hard I need to pray, to what I need to give up.

I’m tired. This pandemic is taking its toll on me and I’m so, so tired.

[exreligionrage-archive]

I will not forget.

I will not forget the traumas of the church and the fear always present in my childhood.

I will not forget my undying loyalty, I will not forget my willingness to die for Heavenly Father by the age of 7. I will not forget all the trauma and mental fuckery that could have been avoided.

I will not forget the guilt. I will not forget how I willingly isolated myself for the sake of keeping myself from “sin.” I will not forget my separation from the secular world, the idea that it could have saved me earlier keeps me up at night. I will not forget confessing mundane things I thought were sin to my mother. I will not forget the gaslighting and the guilt. I will not forget the invasion of my right to privacy. I will not forget the feeling of being watched every second of my life. I will not forget the paranoia.

I will not forget my baptism on Saint Patrick’s. I will not forget my father saying the prayer twice, I will not forget the interview or my lack of choice. I will not forget the four-leaf clover I found and I will not forget my dearest friend.

I will not forget the nights spent staying up late and praying for forgiveness. I will not forget attempting to choke myself out in my mother’s bedroom. I will not forget the first time I seriously thought about, and almost attempted, suicide at the age of 11. I will not forget all the crying and the headaches. I will not forget first coming out to my brother, the only person who knew how it felt. I will not forget my mother deceiving me when I asked her to keep a single secret safe because I was not ready to face the trauma of it. I will not forget the intense self-loathing and the first cuts on my legs and the videos.

I will not forget my father leaving me to suffer. I will not forget how he turned a blind eye to my indoctrination. He could have saved me. But he didn’t. He knew how bad it was, he knew how it fucked up my other siblings, but he did nothing. I will not forget how he allowed me to be traumatized and I will not forget him not taking responsibility for how miserable I was and I will not forget how he failed to realize that my mental illnesses were a direct result of continuous trauma.

I will not forget the yelling. I will not forget the pounding sound of footsteps. I will not forget praying for mercy while in fetal position. I will not forget the closet I stayed in to try to hide. I will not forget fearing for my life. I will not forget the regret and the thought that maybe, I should have stayed.

I will not forget the sting of cuts on my thighs and how it burnt like a bruise. I will not forget my best friends. I will not forget the isolation and the hatred that boiled within me. I will not forgive the people who hurt me, but I will also not forget to have gratitude for the people who allowed me to grow. I will not forget the small acts of kindness that kept me going. I will not forget my journey and I won’t forget that I’m still recovering. We all are.

[spinneraki-deactivated20210217]

theres so much cruelty in repression, in being forced to conform and follow a strict set of rules. you know not to ask questions, or to try and understand the world. you know wanting to learn will result in being punished. why would you need to question god? why would you want to break his rules? you are holy in your conformity, you are holy in your faith. would you really throw it all away just to be free? would you really throw away peace and prosperity for the sake of knowledge?

you didnt mean to break the rules. you didnt mean to break away… but the questions keep coming out, burning your throat like vomit. you feel desperate to be accepted again, to be back in the world of faith. you want to be holy again. you want to stop thinking for yourself. you cannot handle thinking for yourself. you were lead by god for so many years, letting him guide you and control you as he wished. 

but your mind kept wandering to rebellious places. you kept wondering what more there was to learn… you wanted knowledge, and with knowledge came freedom. but with freedom comes pain, with freedom comes uncertain ground. freedom is banishment, freedom is loss of support. freedom is having your god spit in your face, telling you that you never should have questioned him. 

you feel the flames of hell crawling up your leg, slowly consuming you. you scream for help, begging your god to save you. you cry out for forgiveness, promising to never question him again. you promise to let go of knowledge, let go of freedom, if only the pain would end.

but he doesnt listen. and he lets you burn. and he lets you change into a new being, a monstrosity who will only know evil. a creature who only wishes to learn, who questions everything. a creature who embraces freedom, no matter how painful it is. and you still wish you could take it all back, to go back to the safety of that holy place. to be fully controlled, to follow every order. but when you choose freedom you can never take it back, you can never forget the things you have learned.

[dukeofankh]

My Parents: "I mean, ADHD is definitely real, but I don't think that anyone in our family has it. We don't and you probably don't have it either."

Also My Parents: "Okay so there's this thing called 'generational sin" where there's like this spiritual taint on someone's bloodline which leads multiple generations of a family struggle with impulse control, lust, and addiction."

Me: can you not just all go to a real therapist like, one time even.