Kitten 🖤

Just a girl and her thoughts.

[pastelgothkitten]

“Joke”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. It's always "You can't take a joke" Because obviously not finding belittling comments funny makes me uptight. I can't take a joke because with you, they're never jokes. You use humor to break people down and tear them apart. For 19 years I have laughed off your "jokes" as they killed me inside. Waited for you to leave before letting the tears rain down. I thought jokes were supposed to be funny. I thought they were supposed to make me feel better. I'm done laughing off your ignorance. When is it ever your turn? When do you get to be the butt of the joke. You're a bully. That's all you'll ever be. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

[pastelgothkitten]

The Stars

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

I often find myself looking for the stars. Middle of the day, Sun's a shinin' The air warm with a gentle breeze. But I'm not looking to the sky, Not for planets, Nor celebs we see in the movies. I'm searching for the little lights guiding me through the tunnel. My tunnel. The dark endless tunnel of life. There's a light at the end, But I'm still at the beginning. So I look for the stars, The places I feel the safest. The people who make me the happiest. The things I cherish and the memories I hold. Because in the darkness of the tunnel, They create galaxies of hope, and wonder. Little lights guiding me to the end.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

[pastelgothkitten]

Love Hurts

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

I can't make you love me. No matter how much I want to. I can love you though. Care for you. Cherish you. But I can't make you want me. It hurts. To love someone who doesn't love you back. I can't make you love me. And I can't make me not love you.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

[pastelgothkitten]

The Scars

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

I wish I could forget you. Pretend you don't exist. Erase you from my life. You're destructive. Damaging. You leave physical scars everyone can see and emotional ones just for me. If I talk about you I get to wear cute grippy socks on vacation. You tell me I deserve it. That you're my only hope.. My only option. You sold me a dream of change and happiness. I bought every word. You were a permanent solution.. To a temporary problem. Now I cover your memory with tattoos. Edit you out of every photo. I had hundreds of lies to cover you up. "That dang cat." I didn't have a cat. If I cried for help you screamed louder. I was drowning in your noise. I hate you. I hate that I listen to you. I hate what you do to me. Why do I listen? I long for control and you give me the feeling. I'm suffocating in your presence. Let me go. Please let me go..

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

[pastelgothkitten]

My Inner Child

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. My spirit lingers in places my body never lived. The hopes and dreams of a child, long forgotten. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

[pastelgothkitten]

The Living Tree

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

My branches were strong. I stood tall with many leaves. Beautiful flowers would blossom from within. I would catch the morning sun and the midnight moonbeams. Offered shade to those in need. I was home to birds and squirrels.

But I'm dying now. My branches are weak and falling. I no longer grow leaves. No flowers blossom. The sun shows my weakness and the moon hides my pain. I can no longer offer shade. I am no longer home.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

[pastelgothkitten]

Wax & Flame

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. As a candle burns it's flame dances in the dark. Casting shadows with it's elegant movements. The bright yet soft glow offering hope through the darkness and uncertainty. Though it's flame is never, everlasting. Some candles burn a long beautiful life. Others drown in their own puddle of melted wax. Each's life brighter or darker than another. The scent of home and hope or the dark sinister memories we've suppressed. At times it's flame can burn so bright their delicate outer glass casing shatters leaving them in fragments of what they once were. In the end a candle is only wax. Burning only to die and be forgotten.  .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

[pastelgothkitten]

An Anxious Song

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. The tippy tap of my toes on the ceramic tiles beneath my feet. The clitter of my nails beating against the wooden table top. The rhythm of my heart beat perfectly on tempo. The way my eyes dart, Back and forth, Back and forth, Just like a metronome. The chatter of my teeth. The rumble of my stomach. Both working in perfect unison carrying the tempo. Everything coming together creating a symphony of my thoughts. Without my mouth speaking a word. Anxiety. Almost musical isn't it? .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

[pastelgothkitten]

Homeless

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. This house has everything a home "should" have. Food on the table. A loving mother. A protective father. A room just for me. Fresh running water. A roof to keep me dry. Walls to keep me safe. Years and years of memories. Laughter and tears. I live in this house. I wake up and fall asleep in this house. I should be happy, grateful even. Yet I am homeless. .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

[pastelgothkitten]

Your Silence

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. I'm always seconding guessing myself. Always looking for your approval. I let your silence control me. My head was flooded with thoughts, Why weren't you saying anything..? I'm boring you aren't I..? Did I do something wrong..? Had I said something wrong..? Nobody likes me do they..? Why was I always messing up..? You still hadn't texted back. Spiraling because you were silent. Questioning my worth at your lack of response. Letting something as small as a reply impact something so large, So important. I let your silence define me. He ignored me because I was annoying. You were just busy.  .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

[pastelgothkitten]

Your Kitten

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Your words cause her freckled face to burn bright red like a juicy fresh strawberry. 

Your touch causing her squishy tummy to flutter like beautiful butterflies in spring. 

Your laugh sounds like beautiful symphonies playing in her small delicate ears.

Your soft gentle hands feel like home in her small nervous paws.

Your warm welcoming smile causes her loud aggressive thoughts to stop and adds calm to her storm.

You are her safe space.

You are her home <3

 .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

[pastelgothkitten]

The Ghost I Am

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. Grasping for a hand. Calling for help. I'm reaching out for your embrace. I'm screaming for your assistance. But nothing. You can't see me over my laughter. You can't hear me over my smile. Drowning in my own thoughts. I'm giving up hope. I'm letting go. If I smile. You can't hear me. If I laugh. You can't see me. I feel like a ghost drifting in your presence. Standing directly in front of you. You're looking right at me. Our eyes meeting holding each other's gaze. You still can't see me. You never have. You never will.  .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

[pastelgothkitten]

Losing in Love

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. Holding on too tight and, Letting go too soon. Never enough yet, Always too much. Overthinking. Overloving. Overcaring.  A heavy heart with a broken soul.  .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

[pastelgothkitten]

The Weight in Weightless

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

As she exhales I catch her wind. Drifting along the cold dark streets. A street lamp flickers as I float by. I'm weightless but full of memory. Dark memories of abuse and screams. Watching from a distance. Helpless. Light memories of dancing and laughter. The bright smile on her rosy freckled face. But here I am. Floating through the damp air. Left with memories and the weight of her childhood. A gentle breeze blows, catching me in it's path. I soon find myself softly landing on the surface of a cool body of water. Now drifting with the tide, I wait. Holding all of her memories. Weightless waiting for a wave to pull me under. After all, I am only a feather.

 .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.