it's divine justice.

by her hand.

[patercida]

AN IDLE BRAIN INVITES THE DEVIL IN. — ᅠan independent and private portrayal of rebecka "becka" grove from margaret atwood's the testaments. this portrayal is entirely show based with no book influences present. tw: religious trauma, political themes, patricide and in universe homophobia. — FATHER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS.

navigation:ᅠcarrd. pinterest. playlist. twitter.

[patercida]

small little starter call?

[melamemea]

angst prompts .

a collection of sentences tied to those rough patches in life and the moments where those who once stood close proved to be different than what you almost dared to hope for.

“ but it hurts, it hurts more than you can even imagine. ” 

“ when you’ve been through the kind of crap that i have, you sort of get it. ”

“ i thought i would learn something from all this pain, but i’ve never felt more stupid. ”

“ if life’s teaching me a lesson then i want to skip it. ”

“ it’s a burden that’s constantly there, constantly looming, constantly wearing me down. ”

“ it just won’t let go. ”

“ sometimes it just feels like i’m failing the world, and the world is failing me back.”

“ life’s got to be the worst tinder match in history. ”

“ i would very much like to stop feeling like this, but it’s not that easy. ”

“i watched you lose interest in someone you said you’d love till the end of time. from that moment on i realized i’d never fully trust the words of a lover's mouth again.” 

“i watched our folded hands was change, and now we would never see each other again.”

“i gave up being pretty when society raised the bar of beauty. “

“i slept so comfy in your embrace but then i realized that you weren't really there.”

“to be portrayed as a burden by someone whose supposed to be your rock is the greatest weight in the world.”

“it’s as if something is eating me up inside, and i don’t even want to stop it.”

“and maybe i am supposed to feel sad. maybe it’s karma. maybe I do deserve it.”

"i don't know how to feel."

"but you did leave me. you did leave me, and i waited for you."

"you don't get it do you? what it feels like to let someone inside your heart, your life and your very soul, only for them to tear it all apart as if it was nothing. you did that to me."

"i waited for you, over and over again."

"do you really think i forgot, after all this time?"

"everyone seems to have found their happy ever after and i don't even know if i'm made for that."

"everyone who touched me took a part of me with them."

"to break and to mend myself over and over again, i'm sick of it."

"don't to dare look at me like that when you brought us here in the first place – don't you dare make me feel this way."

"i moved on, i moved away from you."

"so, that's it then? nothing else? just ... done?"

"all the ones that claimed to love me... i just pushed them away."

"who is to say that you won't leave me, too?"

"right, because that's how it goes. you crack a joke, i laugh and then i'm supposed to fall for you, just like that. a snap of a finger... and then a snap of my heart when you've had enough of me."

"everyone says that they can take it, that they will love me no matter what but the moment i peel away that exterior i've worked so hard on, everyone pulls away... and i can't even find it in me to blame them."

"nothing good will come from regretting."

"the worst part is how i started to think that you were different."

"i could have expected it from everyone else but... not you."

"hands have never been kind to me, and words nothing but sly."

[ormundshightower]

The Testaments S01E09 "Marat Sade"

[kawaii-prozac-pills]

[thefallgvy]

colt has been through a lot in his lifetime. he had a questionable childhood. it wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t great either. he was pretty badly behaved and eventually raised by a single mother after his parents divorced. he was a highschool drop out and went straight to stunt work since he was seventeen years of age, wasn’t even an adult yet. it’s all colts ever known. he got mixed in with bad people, broke his back and temporarily put his life on pause for eighteen months. he came back to hell. colt’s life somehow spiralled even more, he was nearly killed several times… accused and framed of murder, got tortured, waterboarded, beaten to pulp. somehow he managed to recover from all of that and had been somewhat living a normal life again. things were good with jody, they went back to work. she directed the movies and he did all the stunt work.

everything was normal until it wasn’t, colt had been somewhat debriefed on everything about becka, but he was probably missing an incredible amount of detail. it was hard to believe that there was a place like that full of young girls that didn’t deserve to be living such a controlled life. there was no way in hell that he’d ever turn down the offer to take her home into something much more civilised. colt wasn’t the dad type. jesus, the man could barely take care of himself. he was good with kids. his friends at set sometimes brought their kids to come visit, but that was only for a couple hours. this was permanent. regardless. he was willing to learn. he’d be the father figure that becka needed

“yeah?” his head hung back with a sigh so hard he banged it against the wall. who knew clothes shopping would be so difficult? he assumed this would be the easy part. colt was trying. he really was. part of him wished that he forced jody to come along with him, surely there was some sort of …. girl code thing? like, they’d just be able to figure out clothes sizes just by looking at it “i’m sorry, kid” colt offered an apologietic smile as he pushed himself to stand up straight “sure we can. y’know, you can chose some other stuff too? you don’t always have to wear a dress. could wear something a little more comfortable”

[patercida]

THE BRUNETTE SHIFTS awkwardly in place, billowing garment swaying with each movement. “ it's alright. it's isn't your fault, pray obviously. ” she bets shunnamite would know how to style clothes in the world outside of gilead. she always seemed to put together something fashionable, even in the shared colors they all wore. mind can not help but to wander, to think of her friends left behind within the country. what would happen to them? were they all still getting married, running their households as new wives? had shunnamite finally become a green? where was agnes? was she okay?

for a second it feels like she'll be lost in thought forever, until... ( "you don't always have to wear a dress. could wear something a little more comfortable." ) “ like a skirt? i saw some with the rest of the clothes, they were very short. do women really wear something so immodest? do they not feel terrible & ungodly for tempting men in such a way? ” ( you are not blameless, girls, aunt estee would say. ) “ this place is wrought with sin. ” forgive her, colt. unlearning gilead teachings would take far longer than a few days. “ i'm going to get changed. ”

a swift turn on her heel, stepping back into the dressing room to shed the oversized garment. maybe this whole thing would feel more hopeless were it not for whatever pop song was falling faintly from overhead speakers. music outside of gilead, still a new one. once secured in her arrival outfit once more, she leaves the confines of the fitting room. chestnut hues look at the tag upon the dress, the letter L staring back at her. features scrunch, obvious frustration over not understanding. why was nothing a simple picture here? “ what size is this? ” dress is handed over with ease, “ we need to get the one that comes before this. ”

[bo-kryzze]

THE TESTAMENTS 1.04 "Green Tea"

[patercida]

HE'S TRYING, REALLY he is. that much becka is aware of, something she takes into account more & more each day. it must be difficult, to receive a girl like her within his care. the way all adults outside of gilead seemed to look at her was evident. that sense of pity, of something else she couldn't quite place. especially those at the refugee center. what had they told @thefallgvy right before bringing him to her? was he debriefed as she was? were they merely two individuals stumbling blindly through this whole thing? trying to understand each other & the worlds they came from. part of her is certain her dear uncle was not fit for parenthood. that this is a position he never saw himself within. how much of that was the truth?

“ this one is too big. ” the words come from the other side of the dressing room door, becka gazing upon her own reflection within the mirror. she felt ridiculous. things were so easy within gilead. her mother acquired all her new clothes, measurements taken by the aunts when she began to blossom. she never had to learn such tedious things or take into account what her shoe size must be. she never had to develop her own sense of fashion. perhaps that's why she now feels so out of place, picking at the dress that enveloped her form. since when had she cared this much about her appearance?

( "prideful girls lead to sinful women, rebecka. would god want you to be prideful?" no, aunt vidala, he would not. ) “ i look like i'm wearing a blanket. ” door handle turns, the teen stepping out into fluorescent changing room lights. the fabric was like a tent across petite frame, daring to swallow her whole. in this moment, she misses her purple adornments most of all. the freedom to choose was dizzying, in the worst way possible. “ could we find another dress? ”

[patercida]

IT'S DIVINE JUSTICE. | an ind. portrayal of rebecka grove from margaret atwood's the testaments. entirely show based with no novel influences. as told by Anna-Belle (21+).