pathfin-dear prudence

Bullshit tales of the inner sea region

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A huge thank you to our followers who stuck with us through this ‘Darkest Timeline’ joke session! Hopefully laughs were had by all, tune in next week to resume our actual plot line!

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Our entire party gets to have a hand in killing the final boss, Hitler. So we go around the party:

Elf Player: I go with my standard dagger to the throat. Druid Player: I use Wild Shape to transform into a German Shepherd and start attacking him. DM: *as Hitler* Blondi!?  Cleric Player: I use Sound Burst to echo the voices of 6 million Bernie Sanders’ screaming at him for charging too much for salami.

This continues for a few more turns and allies.

DM: As Hitler dies, he whispers “I’ve failed you, leader.” As he fades away, you see a vortex of dark magic appears in the middle of the chamber, eminating with pure malace. Emerging is a girl wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. She was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. As you all stare at her, she puts up her middle finger at you, and the world goes black. You see Shia Labeouf stand and begin to clap. 

You all wake up in the sewer from the beginning of the session. This was all a dream.

Fin. 

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DM: The man behind the curtain finally stands up, after all of his allies are defeated. He rips off his disguise to reveal a plain man with a tiny little mustache. Party: ...... DM: It’s Hitler!

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Mid boss-battle, which is imostly narrative.

Our Elf Barbarian had previously cut the One Ring off of Sauron’s hand, and this round a huge, red eye appears in the middle of the room.  Cleric Player: I create 40 gallons of water on the Eye of Sauron. DM: You hear a booming voice scream “MY BRAND” and the eye sizzles out of existence.

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Mid boss-battle, which is mostly narrative.

Ranger Player: So I go up to Skeletor who is berating all of his comrades. And I’m just really annoyed and I’m like “who do you think you are?” and he says “Who do I think I am? WHO DO I THINK I AM? I’M-” *Ranger player points to druid player* Druid Player: JOHN CENA! Ranger Player: AND JOHN CENA RIPS THROUGH SKELETOR’S CHEST, KILLING HIM.

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Still in the boss battle, which is mostly narrative.

Cleric Player: So I’m fighting with Goku, and Krillan walks in. He goes “Man Goku, there’s a GREAT sandwich place downstairs!” and at that moment, Frieza turns and launches Krillan into the air, forcing him to explode. I use obscuring mist and all you see in the middle is a yellow glow.

DM: Can I take over?  Cleric: Yeah it’s cool go for it. DM: Thanks. *as Goku* FRIEZA I DON’T KNOW WHAT HOLE YOU CAME OUT OF BUT I’M ABOUT TO SEND YOU BACK TO IT. *he goes Super Saiyan*

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The party, the allies, and the enemies are all fighting in the throne room. The fight is mostly narrative, rather than based on rolls.

Druid Player: Toph and I start whispering. She describes something to me, and then I use Wild Shape to give myself the appearance of Azula’s Father. Azula: *frozen in shock* Fa-father? Druid Player: Toph uses her being stunned, and creates shackles from the granite floor around all four of her limbs, leaving her unable to lightning bend. 

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Boba Fett flies over to Indiana Jones 

Boba: WE MEET AGAIN, SOLO. Indy: I’M NOT-

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We’re approaching what appears to be the boss battle. The ‘leader’ is sitting in a throne behind a curtain, but his final protective forces are teleporting in one by one.

So far: Boba Fett, Megatron, Frieza, The Joker, Sauron, Skeletor, Azula, The Villain from the Last Crusade, Walter White, and Corypheus.

BUT WHO IS ON THE THRONE?????

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DM: Toph holds up her hands- “I hear three people approaching.” The figures appear and you hear “Prepare for trouble- and make it double!” Players: NO NO NO NO DM: The renegade option pops up- Shepard and Masterchief both hit it and you hear two gunshots. When the smoke clears, Jessie and James are lying dead on the floor. Elf Player: Where’s Meowth!? DM: He and Happy are slap-fighting on the floor.

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Elf Player: I stare at all the beautiful tough men here. Druid: I leave Toph with my badger and run to Faryn (the elf)... You need me to wingman? Elf: I don’t even know who I need help wing-manning with! Druid: All of them? I’ll get started.

Indiana and Han are leaning against a wall facing each other, trying to see the resemblance. Shepard and Masterchief are trying to one-up each other with war stories.

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After Han Solo is released from the cell, he walks over to the Elf Barbarian- Han: Oh hello there, my name is Han *kisses hand* Elf Barbarian: I role intimidate to keep my cool and seem awesome and scary. *rolls low*... I blush.  Druid Player: I intimidate him because he’s hitting on my friend. *rolls high* I CLIMB UP HIM AND GRAB HIS LAPEL. Han: Why is this child climbing me? Druid: I AM NO CHILD, I AM YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE. *slaps him*

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We arrive at the Dungeon, and approach the eighth cell of allies. 

DM: In the very last cell, you hear a young girl’s voice. Druid Player: IS IT TOPH? CAN IT BE TOPH? LET IT BE TOPH. I run to the cell. DM: It’s a small girl with bangs over her eyes, and green clothing on. She isn’t wearing shoes. Ranger: Oh look, another halfling. Toph: ... I’m a child. Ranger: Oh. Druid: Sooooo... you’re a kid? Why are you in a cell? What kind of stuff do you like? Toph: I like Earth bending... and Earth Bending... And... Earth bending?  Druid: Do you like animals? I have a badger. Toph: Like a badgermole!? Can I meet him?! Druid: No... like a badger. Moles are different things.  Toph: No, I mean a badgermole. Druid: Badger... Mole. Toph: Yeah, badgermole. Druid: No, there’s a space between the words. Ranger: No, space is where the dragon people with cool guns came from. 

See who was in the seventh cell here. 

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We arrive at the Dungeon, and approach the seventh cell of allies. 

A guy in green armor is kneeling on the gound, looking stoic, with his gun over his shoulder.  Ranger: I let him out and then knock on his helmet. DM: A green holo-visor appears to protect him. He says “Thanks for freeing me, time to finish this fight.”

See who was in the sixth cell here. 

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We arrive at the Dungeon, and approach the sixth cell of allies.

DM: While Indy is introducing himself, you hear *wookie noise* from the next cell over. Ranger: Oh, it’s a... Yeti? With Brown fur? Cleric: Being brown doesn’t make him any less of a Yeti. DM: *wookie noise* Suddenly a man steps out from behind the Yeti, who looks weirdly like the last guy. “Chewy, relax, they’re here to let us out.” Ranger: You know you look a lot like the other guy? Han: I’ve been getting that a lot lately, I don’t see it. 

See who was in the fifth cell here. 

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We arrive at the Dungeon, and approach the fifth cell of allies.

DM: The next cell contains a human man, he has a whip at his side and a pretty cool hat.  Cleric: That’s a pretty cool hat. Do you have another one? Indy: No. Indiana Jones, pleased to meet you.

See who was in the fourth cell here.

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We arrive at the Dungeon, and approach the fourth cell of allies.

DM: The next cell is kinda weird. It’s just a semi-truck with a tractor trailer attached. Ranger Player: HOW DID HE EVEN GET DOWN HERE? DM: “Freedom is the right of all sentient beings, I would be proud to fight by your side. I am Optimus Prime of Cybertron.” The truck starts folding into itsself until a huge robot is in front of you. Ranger: I get the transformation magic, but why a weird carriage?

See who was in the third cell here.