My response to his text:UNTIL YOU CHANGE YOUR APPTITUDE Hi César, I am going to come clean and tell you how I feel my attitude will change for the positive regarding you and I and our history. For me, my biggest thing that hurts me most with anyone regardless of friends or a boyfriend, especially, when I love the person is the idea that I have been lied too. The lie is worse than the action being lied about. What has been hard for me in this healing process for you and I has been the rumors, including Orlin's, from when I was in Granada to the second person, who told me you were cheating on me the entire time during our relationship. I love you so much but there are these allegations floating out there. They feed the fears I get that you call jealousy. That is not jealousy. That's evidence that leads to a conclusion. With life and love, unfortunately, not all things are proven in a court of law. circunstancial evidence, or in this case evidences leads many to conclusions. Regardless, if they are true or not, there is no worse feeling than not knowing the person you gave your heart and soul to in hopes to be loved back was or had been deceitful. It challenges what you know about trust. It challenges your faith. When you said it wasn't true and to trust you I tried so hard too. However, with the apps being downloaded (let's not forget the Catfishing) the darkroom in Bulgaria, the incident in February with the 9pm meeting at Plaza Einstein where I had to get my keys for the flat and you were meeting an "ex" the "Spanish Couple", and all the photos with random guys who are in and out of your life, then add how you didn't want it known by many that I was your boyfriend, not only hurt but challenged me to trust and continue to have faith in you and us. What I do know is that I Love you. I wanted to do whatever I could to make you happy, Including the wiliness to find a way to live in Spain permanently. Even today, I still love you but it continuously hurts. I did work for the office for you, I built things, I tried to take you different places to have experiences, not because I was older or it was expected. I did it organically to show you I loved you. Today, to have you say my attitude needs to change before you will come to Chicago, how do you expect it to change? When all I really want is truth for closure on the past. My response on Seattle is the same defense. I have had extensive conversations with certain people in my life. I have cried a lot. I have had sleepless nights. I have gone to the movies on Sunday with a friend and felt guilty because that was our thing. What I keep coming back to is that I just want to know what is true. I want it to come from the heart. I guess all I needed from you the whole time was for you to hug me and hold me and tell me what was true and what wasn't it to offer some comfort in the turmoil. It's the only way I can ever have trust again and to have closure for all the things in the past. Regardless if we are together or just friends or nothing at all, it's something I need to move forward. When I said to you at your birthday what I felt about you, it came from my heart. You did make me a better person and value myself more. But you and those around you challenged my views on trust and faith in the person I loved and people In general but and I would have done anything in the world to make you Happy. But To punish me for somethings I didn't do, other than try to be your boyfriend and love you and stay above all the errors is unfair. I admit my mistakes. As time went on and as things progressed I become more hard. I felt less important to you than many people in your life. I become resentful. But on the same token you have to consider the mental challenge this had on me. I had never had anyone tell me "You will never be happy with anyone else other than me" and that pushed the envelope on narcissistic tendencies on your part by pushing insecurities on to me. As far as we are concern. I meant what I said that I love you and that you are one of my greatest loves. I want us to be friends. If there was anyway to build our lives In the future at this moment I would. You have been that important to me. I hate creating a distance between us but it's my only defense to all the stuff I have had to overlook to love you. It's my only defense to all the random guys you meet and post. All these past incidents in combination with current actions draw a picture for me the person you call "babe" and I think you call your boyfriend. Ultimately, when I think about my life and what I want, it is to built a home to come too. To travel and see the world. To focus on health and happiness for both. I so wanted that with you. That was my dream. As far as I am concerned I have a world full of friends. I don't need to keep meeting more people unless it's on the street, with other friends, and they can be gay, straight, male or female. My identity isn't built on just being gay. There is much more to me than that. I know you didn't expect this outpouring of my thoughts but this is the thing that will ultimately get clarity in my head to move on with or without you in my life. I hope it will improve my attitude to hopefully we can have you here in Chicago or me with you in Seattle.