You were somebody to me once, but now you’re a fiction. Someone that I made up.
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@paultair
You were somebody to me once, but now you’re a fiction. Someone that I made up.
This year wasn’t much of a battle for me, I’ve battled greater giants and wrestled viler demons yet still I stood tall. Instead, this year gave me milk and honey.
January brought me assurance. That even though things may not always be there for me physically, the mere faith that they are there is enough.
February taught me process. Not everything that starts slow is bound to die early. Things take time. Friendship takes time. Healing takes time.
March forced me to hustle alone. It taught me that I am more than capable of doing work if I just put my mind to it.
April reminded me of family. Despite of how much I run away from them, they always got my back. Even through shit. Always.
May was the consideration of love. You made me feel flowers even though you didn’t mean to and I was too much of a hopeless romantic to oversee how your eyes scream nothing.
June ignited friendships. There are way too much things to see beyond my biases and criticisms.
July shoved down 9 shots of rum in my throat. Burned my mouth just to say how much I love you, and appreciated your face, and how much I don’t want to feel this way.
August were the laughters.
September urged me to try. To try and get things done. To try and get up. To try and forget you. To collapse every night, only to burn myself in the morning. The same way how galaxies are made.
October, I thought, was the end.
November was the notice. Of how much I was loved by the people around me. Of how much my presence reminded them of sunshine. Of how much capable I am of being loved.
December nights whispered a secret: that I have to be brave else, nothing will change.
I may not have come out from this year bruised and filled with cuts but i sure did bring with me my spoils of war. The flowers in my ribs may not have been bled on, but they grew still.
maybe I was in love with the proximity.
of how the gaps in between teases and laughter jolted gentle sparks of hope and vulnerability.
of how our eyes met; mine full of forecasts and yours cloudy yet rumbling.
of how you slip in pieces of yourself through verses of songs that mimic the sound of raindrops on deserts.
you remind me of the sun shining on a rainy day so much - warm, and peaceful, and brooding all at once but maybe I was never in love with you. maybe I was in love in theory.
7.2.17
here's the thing, i wanna get drunk with you so that i can spill all the secrets i'm not brave enough to tell you sober. I don't want to hostage you with my feelings - no, you dont even have to acknowledge them. I just want to lift these weight off of me. Call me selfish but i think u make me sad in ways i didnt even know i am capable of.
i've always wanted to be the ball of sunshine radiating positivity to everyone but instead im drowning in my own bravado - false bravery, false happiness, false everything. instead, i have become the storm.
When I say that I identify myself as bisexual with a preference for men and I may still like girls does that make sense to you?
7 things I must (or mustn't) do in 2017
1. be friendlier towards other people despite the depth of the relationship. Try greeting them first!
2. force myself into any relationship. Some people are just not within the range of your wavelength - that's all. No one is at fault.
3. be gentler in dealing with things - words, expressions, people, animals, myself.
4. strengthen my patience. Not everyone is going the same pace as I am. Let people go their own pace the same way I let myself.
5. try to be closer with my family and understand them and their flaws because we were carved after the same flaws, after all.
6. let go as the tides do. let the universe do its thing.
7. be real with my feelings - accept what is and reject what might be. Cut the "if only" mentally because it's one hell of an exhausting idea.
We grew apart. If there’s any consolation, at least we are growing.
I wanna be loved, too.
when people say you have to love with your eyes closed, do they only mean that you ought to love people despite of their physical aesthetics?
Almost 3 years through college yet I still feel like I don’t belong anywhere
That’s what you get for having feelings. People get to make fun of you. What a terrible way to live, to be bounded by knee-deep grimy morality. A system founded on a bit of ignorance and a bunch of bigotry.
You are a taboo; a preemptive action in order to prevent the violation of societal norms set up by people who are too lethargic to think about the depth of emotions and feelings.
You are sin; your love is an epitome of immorality. Your existence is the proof of the decaying ethics of the world. No matter how great, or noble, or honest your feelings are, you ought to disregard them for they are, as what society considers, invalid.
You are a showcase of detterence; a play that dwells on how it tastes like to be in your own skin. People gnaw their teeth at the sight of you, their hands claw upon your existence just for the spite of it.
But you never let them
because you are the devil; the revolting arbiter of malice. It is you who greatly influences the ideals of the angels that try to surround you. It is you who sorts out the opinions of the sheep from the howls of the wolves. It is you who gathers the wicked and aids their retribution.
And when they laugh at you for all the things that you’ve become, stab their necks with the shards of their broken reflection. Let them see themselves laugh at their own broken pieces for they have not known what true beauty is.
42616
When your weeping is even harder than the actual leaving. When you need to look strong because people around you also pretended to do so. When you have to make up ways to mask your sadness with laughter. When you feel like you are alone in this world. When you prayed to God for strength. When you desperately needed the soothing words or the empathetic embrace of a friend but you continue to deceive yourself by saying that you can get over the circumstance. When the world has shifted yet again. When you left the words rot in your mouth.
At the end of the day, you still are everything you thought you were not. Suck it up, big man. There’s still life ahead of you. Do not let yourself hinder your growth. This too, shall pass.
this is me getting tired of being sad so im paving my own way towards happiness
Please play Saturn - Sleeping at Last on my funeral. No im not writing this with even a single trace of sadness in me. i just fell in love with the song ✌🏽
Hello tumblr! It’s been like what? 8- 9 months since I last posted? I most likely forgot that this account existed not that my life has been interesting and all. It’s the first of January (um, cheers to that?). I opened tumblr at this ungodly hour not knowing what to post and why. I think I’m just gonna let my heart bleed out until it bleeds no more? (lol).
So, 2015, huh? I think yesterday/last year, above all, has been the year that let me grow into a much more introverted/sensitive person than I ever was compared to past years. My skin paper; my bones glass. I have become, yet again, very vulnerable (and it is very much exhausting). I get offended easily when others invalidate me (I mean, who wouldn’t right? You’re right there and you’re existing and you thought you were part of something but then as you go through the details, nope. no you’re not. And I have experienced this not just once so yey me!). This is not even about what I should and should not do. It’s about me not doing the things that are natural to me (note the italicized word bc I may be labelled hypocrite by people wink wink who knew me but then they don’t really. lol at u if u r reading dis). There’s the me who do me. I mean the me that doesn’t need a single effort to do stuff that I do. And on the other hand, there’s the me who do things to please the non-me (and if u didn’t understand, its u its they. Anything aside from me that needs pleasing). I mean suppressing the me that pleases the non-me surely is inspirational really that’s like saying “be yourself” or “don’t mind them, carry on” that’s sounding like a facebook motivational photo and it’s great but smothering the natural me? wtf bro. you. need. to. stop. You just can’t stop me from being me just ‘cause you don’t approve of my hardwired actions. Reality check, I never owed you any debt and I can still function normally w/o you in my life? Wow this post has been ha hell lotta roller coaster ride this sentence even came out of nowhere but I need to stop ranting one way or another and this post has taken too much space already hahaha. Whoever you are, if you are reading this, happy holidays! Cheers to a bright year ahead of us!
sometimes i find peace
in the edge of a blade
sliding upon my wrist